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The room was still and quiet, save the scribbling of Hajime’s pencil. The silence was a nice change in pace given how loud his roommate had been lately. But, fortunately, he had left for the night. It was a Friday evening, after all, and only losers would stay inside of their rooms and do homework. It wasn’t as if Hajime didn’t have friends; he did. He just knew what Souda was up to and he wanted no part in it.
Everyone had a soul mate; that’s what he had heard since he was a child. Their life and your life were supposed to be one, and that’s why all soulmates shared the same marks they received on their skin. From injuries to marker, from blemishes to stickers, whatever was on your skin stayed on your soulmate’s skin, too. The only way two people could know if they were soulmates was by their shared imperfections.
That’s why a new trend had grown popular on the Internet. One that was incredibly stupid, but Hajime’s roommate still wanted to try it out. The idea was to get a huge, nasty black eye and look around for someone with a similar injury. Souda swore it would be the fastest and easiest way to find his soulmate. He was getting kind of desperate after writing his phone number on his skin failed to encourage his soulmate to slide into his DMs. He refused to listen to Hajime’s counterarguments. (“Wouldn’t she just stay inside and hide if she had a bruise she couldn’t explain? Or cover it up with makeup? If everyone on the Internet is doing it, how do you know the person you find isn’t just some other idiot who did the same thing?”) He was confident that it would work. He invited Hajime to get drunk with him and do the same, but Hajime had quickly rejected the idea. He didn’t even know if his soulmate was on campus, and if they were, he wasn’t going to torture them by leaving them with an unexplainable injury. From what Hajime knew, they had already been through enough as it was.
Like Souda, Hajime didn’t have a clue what his soulmate was like. He didn’t know their gender (thanks, bisexuality) or personality. All he could guess was that the other must’ve been terribly clumsy.
As a child, Hajime constantly found bumps, bruises, and scratches on his arms and legs that didn’t come from him. None of the injuries hurt, so he never particularly cared about how reckless his soulmate was. That is, until second grade when the nameless offender got Hajime into trouble.
Hajime’s teacher had a strict rule about drawing on your skin, mainly due to the other misbehaved children who had ink covering their whole body. This rule made no trouble for Hajime; he was well-behaved and would never draw on his own skin. It was messy and prevented him from focusing in school.
However, it appeared Hajime’s soulmate did not have a teacher with the same rules, because they had no problem drawing on their left hand and arm. When his teacher had seen the results, she was furious. She said how disappointed she was and made him stay inside during recess. Hajime had tried to explain that he hadn’t done it and how it just showed up on his arm, but she didn’t believe him. Now convinced he was a liar AND a rule-breaker, she extended the one-day punishment to one-week punishment.
Hajime disdained his soulmate for a while after that. Even years later, when the memory no longer caused him embarrassment, he found himself getting aggravated with the bruises that kept appearing all over his body. His parents worried about whoever was receiving the injuries, especially when some were rather severe, and borderline life-threatening, but Hajime wasn’t concerned. He just wished his soulmate would stop getting themselves into trouble.
Sighing to himself, Hajime focused his thoughts back on his homework. His right hand moved as fast as his thoughts, but his thoughts slowly came to a stop as he noticed something strange happening on his skin.
As if drawn by a marker, a thin red line appeared on Hajime’s left forearm. He blinked and watched it grow longer until it stopped. He sat there, looking at the scar that had just appeared in exasperation. Seriously, he didn’t know who his soulmate was, but their inability to stay safe was getting really annoying.
Hajime rolled his eyes and turned back to his homework. He wrote a few more words before becoming distracted again by how the line on his arm was getting deeper and wider. The line that looked as if it had been drawn by a fine-tipped pen was turning into a deeper gash. The lines kept appearing, piled on top of each other.
Hajime stared. What the hell was his soulmate doing? What, were they trying to cuddle an enraged cat or something? And, if that were the case, did that seriously mean he had a soulmate that stupid?
Before he could question it any further, another line just directly above the first one. Like the last, it quickly became deeper. Then another cut above that one. And another. They were so carefully created, it couldn’t have been an accident.
Hajime frowned. Were they in danger? Was someone hurting them?
Well, that didn’t make sense…he had noticed no other injuries up until then, and the wounds were created at an angle that wouldn’t have been possible for another person to do. Hajime watched and noticed the pattern. The wounds were working their way up to the wrist…
Hajime’s eyes flew open as he realized what his soulmate was doing.
Oh no.
He jumped to his feet, heart racing. What was he going to do? What could he do?! A person he didn’t even know was trying to kill themselves and he didn’t know how to stop them!
Hajime started frantically searching around his desk, trying to find some way to tell them to stop. If he could just write them a message, maybe they’d stop. He threw open one of the desk drawers and found a ballpoint pen. He uncapped it with shaky hands before wondering where he was going to get his soulmate’s attention. If they were harming their left arm, then it must be the work of their right hand, he figured.
He didn’t have time to think about it. A mark had appeared right over a vein, and if it would be anything like the pattern displayed before, it wouldn’t be long before the wound became deeper.
Holding the pen in his non-dominant hand, Hajime slammed his right hand flat on the desk with his palm facing the wood. It was difficult controlling his left-hand, but awkwardly holding the pen he started writing the only thing that his mind was screaming.
S T O P
His pen went over the letters again and again until they were thick and impossible to ignore. It covered the entire back of his hand.
After he finished, Hajime flipped his arm over to examine the wounds. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw his message had worked. The most recent cut was not deep enough to harm the vein and no other injuries appeared.
Breathing heavily, he frowned, not sure what to do now; he couldn’t just leave them like this. But, now that the inside of his left arm was covered in cuts, he didn’t have a surface to write a lot on. And he couldn’t possibly write out a note convincing his soulmate to stay alive with his left hand.
Don’t do this. Please text me
Hajime wrote the message and his phone number on the back of his left arm. He had no idea if his soulmate would even do what he asked, but this was his only option.
He placed the cap back on the pen and sank back into his chair. He looked towards his phone in anticipation. Minutes passed, but no notifications popped up.
Hajime sighed, glancing at his left arm again. Well, even if his soulmate didn’t text him, at least they weren’t hurting themselves anymore, from what he could tell. It looked like he would just have to be content with that.
And then his phone vibrated.
Hajime’s skipped a beat as his hand grabbed for the phone. He turned it over to see a text had come from a random number.
???: Hello?
So, they had texted after all. Hajime’s fingers flew as he texted back as fast as he could.
Hajime: Hello, are you okay?
Hajime barely sent it before the other messaged him again.
???: I’m so so sorry I didn’t know I had a soulmate I didn’t know the marks would appear on someone else, please forgive me I had no idea
Hajime blinked. What were they talking about?
Hajime: Don’t apologize for that! I couldn’t care less about that, I just want to know if you’re okay
???: Oh god I’m sorry I’m so so so sorry I didn’t even think about it now everyone around you will think that you’re hurting yourself just because of me I feel horrible I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am
What was this person’s problem? He didn’t care! Sure, it was a bit inconvenient, but that was the least of his worries! They knew that, right?
Hajime: I’m serious, I don’t mind! I’m not worried about that I’m worried about you! Are you okay?
He waited in silence. He just needed one word. That was all he needed.
???: Yes, I am alright. I apologize for forcing you to worry about me
Hajime decided to ignore that last comment.
Hajime: Why were you hurting yourself? Were you trying to kill yourself?
Yeah, it was blunt, but he was past the point about worrying about approaching a taboo subject.
???: Well, yes. Again if I had known they would appear on you I would’ve chosen a more conventional method I’m really sorry
Hajime: Why are you still apologizing for that?? I told you I’m okay!
Hajime: I don’t know what you’re going through I don’t even know who you are but please don’t kill yourself. It can get better! You deserve to keep living, please don’t hurt yourself or try to die
Was he helping at all? He wasn’t a psychologist, he had no idea what he could say to someone suffering like this.
???: You’re very kind…I doubt you would feel the same if you actually knew me, though
Hajime: No, I would feel the same. No one deserves to kill themselves. Everyone deserves to keep living
Hajime: So please don’t kill yourself. I know I’m not very good at comforting people but if you need someone to talk to, I’ll listen
Hajime waited. He didn’t know if he had said the right things…he didn’t know what he should be saying in the first place.
After a while, he started to worry again. Did he screw everything up? Had the person now resorted to another method to carry out their plan?
Hajime: Hello? Are you there?
???: Ah yes I’m here! I’m sorry for not responding, I was just kind of in shock I suppose
Hajime: Oh. Why?
???: Well, I never knew I had a soulmate and now it turns out I do. And on top of that you’re so incredibly kind. I don’t know how I deserve it. I don’t. I really am lucky…it’s almost worrisome.
…why was that worrisome? He decided not to ask about it.
Hajime: Well don’t worry about it, I’m not that great, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself. You really scared me
???: I’m sorry…I’m sure it must have been terrifying to have random marks appearing on your skin
Hajime: Well yeah I guess but I was more scared for you
???: Oh…
Hajime didn’t know what his soulmate looked like, but he could imagine them sitting by themselves in a bathroom or bedroom, their plan interrupted by a person they didn’t even know existed. What was so horribly wrong in their lives that they resorted to this?
He wished he was there with them, whoever they were.
???: I’m sorry I’m just going to say this upfront. I hate to disappoint you but I doubt I’m as great as you think I am. I know people must assume their soulmates to be like their deepest fantasies but I assure you I’m anything but that. I’m truly sorry you have someone like me as a soulmate
Hajime: You don’t need to apologize! I’ll be honest, I never really thought about it that much before, so I don’t have any expectations. And no offense but I don’t think you have a great self-image so you’re probably pretty biased. I’m sure you’re not as bad as you think you are
Hajime sighed sadly. Up until now, whoever his soulmate was had annoyed him, but now that he knew how they felt, he hurt for them.
All he had was a mental picture of a person he didn’t know. He wished he could protect them. He wished he could clear their area of dangerous items so they wouldn’t hurt themselves anymore. He didn’t know why they were in pain, but it didn’t matter. He wanted them to be safe.
But he couldn’t do anything. It made his chest ache.
Hajime: I’m sorry for asking something so hard but…can you promise me you won’t hurt yourself again? Like in any way? Please?
They didn’t respond for a few minutes.
???: Ah…
???: Well…you are right, that is kind of hard to promise…
Hajime: I know it must be, but please I won’t be able to sleep at night otherwise. I really want you to stay alive. Please don’t do anything to yourself
A few more minutes passed as Hajime sat rigidly.
???: Well…since you went out of your way to talk to me…I won’t. I won’t do anything
He finally let himself breathe out the air he hadn’t noticed he had been holding. Thank God.
Hajime: Thank you so much
Hajime: What’s your name?
???: I’m sorry, I’d rather not say. I apologize…
Hajime: No worries, I kind of figured you’d say something like that haha
Yeah, he was a little disappointed, but it made sense why the person wouldn’t want to tell him. He decided to change the subject before it could get any more awkward.
Hajime: You should take care of your arm, is it still bleeding?
???: Yes, a little, but it’s nothing to worry about!
Hajime: Well too bad I’m worried about it. Put some pressure on it and then wash it with soap and water, then bandage it. I want you to take care of yourself since I’m not with you to do it myself
…was he being too forward? He didn’t know.
???: You’re too kind…I honestly don’t know what to say…
Hajime: Say you’ll take care of it
???: Alright, then, I promise I’ll clean it for your sake
Hajime: Okay good. Hopefully someday you’ll want to clean it for your own sake and not mine!
???: Ahh I don’t know about that…
???: But thank you again.
???: You’ve been too kind to me, kinder than I deserve. Please, if there’s anything I can do to return the favor let me know
Hajime: Don’t worry about it, just stay safe alright? And text me if you ever start thinking about dying again.
???: Okay…if that’s all you really want…
Hajime: Yeah that’s all
???: But if I ever meet you in person, I’ll find a way to make it up to you.
Hajime: ?
???: I feel bad for making marks show up on your skin, and the kindness you’ve shown me that I don’t deserve.
Hajime: You deserve kindness just as much as anyone else.
Hajime: And you seriously don’t need to make it up to me, I didn’t do anything
???: I’ll feel bad if I don’t try, though…
Hajime: Okay well just buy me a coffee or something and we’ll call it good
???: That’s all?
Hajime: Yeah that’s all
???: Huh
???: Well okay then:)
It was just a smiley-face, but for some reason the sight of it made his heart flutter.
???: I’ll get out of your hair for now but thank you again for your kindness
Hajime: You sure you’re alright? You’re not going to do anything?
???: I promised I wouldn’t
Hajime: I know I know I just wanted to make sure
???: You’re very kind. You shouldn’t worry about someone like me but thank you
Hajime: No problem. Get some rest and take care of yourself, please
???: Okay. Thank you, whoever you are. Goodnight
Hajime: Goodnight
5 months later
The scars on his arms healed faster than Hajime expected them to. It wasn’t as if they weren’t serious injuries, because they were, but he assumed that whoever caused them must have been treating them well. Hajime liked to hope it was because they no longer hated themselves so much, but he knew that probably wasn’t the case. From the conversation they had that one night, it was probable that his soulmate felt guilty for causing the marks to appear on a random person’s skin. Whatever the reason, Hajime always smiled as he saw the marks get lighter. It was the only sign he had that showed his soulmate was still alive.
Despite his offer, his soulmate never texted Hajime again. Hajime wasn’t sure if it was because they were no longer suicidal or they were still suicidal but not telling him. Either way, he had to admit he was kind of disappointed when he didn’t receive any more texts from the mysterious person. Sure, the initial meeting wasn’t exactly ideal and it must have been awkward for them, but Hajime wanted to hear from them again. They were his soulmate, after all. He just hoped they were okay.
Well, at the moment, he wasn’t worried about it; he was busy zoning out in his political heritage class.
Out of all of Hajime’s classes that semester, political heritage had to be his least favorite. It was just so…boring. Sure, hearing different philosopher’s points of view was interesting, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Now that they were nearing the end of the semester, though, and Hajime was desperately trying to cultivate what little motivation he still had.
Professor Yukizome made this difficult when she assigned a huge group project. He had known of its existence ever since he looked through the syllabus on his first day of class, but it didn’t make its existence any less unpleasant.
“Alright, I’m going to be passing around some papers with a philosopher’s name on it to every other person. That’s the philosopher you’ll be doing your project on! I don’t want to hear any arguments, you’re stuck with them! You’ll be working with the person next to you…you’re going to be a pair for the rest of the semester! How exciting!”
Hajime was beginning to seriously feel like he was still in high school with Professor Yukizome using this tactic, but he had no time to brood because a folded paper was shoved into his hands by the professor. He watched her continue to pass along some papers before turning back to his piece of paper.
He opened it and read the philosopher. ‘St. Augustine.’ It could be worse, he figured; at least his controversial views on humanity would make for an interesting presentation.
“Alright, now start coming up with some ideas with your partner!” The teacher beamed. She was too excited about this, especially seeing how it was still 9 in the morning.
Hajime turned to the boy on his left, finally getting a good look at who his new partner was. Though they had been sitting next to each other all semester, the two had only exchanged occasional greetings and smiles. He never actually talked to him or looked at him before.
He was…well, quite attractive. His white hair was messy and his skin was seriously pale. And as the boy turned to look back at him, he could see his eyes were a subdued shade of gray. He smiled at him.
“Hey, I guess we’re partners! So, which philosopher are we working with?”
Hajime wordlessly passed the paper to him, watching as the boy read the name and grimaced.
“That’s a shame…I’m not really a fan of Augustine,” he sighed. Hajime nodded.
“Yeah, me neither. But I guess something we disagree with could make an interesting presentation, right?”
“Yeah…you’re right!” The boy grinned. Dang, his mood changed fast. “We’ll show them that City of God isn’t a great source for ethics and how flawed it really is!”
“Yeah, sure,” Hajime agreed, barely enthused at all. “Sorry, I didn’t get your name…”
“Oh, how rude of me, sorry." The boy toned down his energy a bit and smiled. "My name is Nagito Komaeda.”
“I’m Hajime Hinata, nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too!”
With that, the two began to discuss the project. They tossed around some ideas together, occasionally broke out into friendly conversation as well. He learned that Nagito was another student who had taken POLI 202 as a general elective. He was nice enough and pretty clever, noticing small details and arguments that had gone over Hajime’s head.
The time flew by and Hajime was surprised when he realized the class was over. The other college students were beginning to leave the classroom, chatting with each other. Hajime quickly finished jotting down one final note before closing his notebook, satisfied with where they were so far.
“Oh, yeah, could I get your number so I can get in contact with you later? In case we get any ideas or something?” Nagito asked. Hajime smiled.
“Sure, good idea.” He fished his phone out of his pocket and began unlocking it before he noticed Nagito’s hands were empty. He was feeling the pockets of his pants but must have found all of them empty.
“I guess I forgot my phone at home. Whoops.” He grabbed a pen that was lying abandoned on one of the tables nearby. “I’ll just write it down on my hand.”
“Really?” Hajime frowned. “Why not just write it on a piece of paper or something?”
“Well, I might lose the paper,” Nagito mused, frowning. “Then we can’t get in contact until next week. Knowing my luck, that’s probably what would happen. My hand, though…” He smiled. “I can’t lose that!” His smile fell as he stared off into space, lost in an abrupt trance. “Unless I sawed it off or something...”
Hajime blinked. “…what?” Where the hell did that idea come from?!
“Oh, I’m sorry, that must have sounded weird…” Nagito laughed easily, snapping back into reality. Hajime smiled wearily.
“A little…but, it’s fine, whatever.” Hajime recited his phone number from memory and watched as Nagito wrote the numbers on the palm of his left hand.
“Alright, perfect!” Nagito smiled, looking back up at him. “I promise I’ll text you as soon as I get home!”
“Alright, cool.” Hajime scooped up his notebook with his right hand. “See you later.” With that, Hajime waved at him with his free hand before turning around and walking away.
He only made it a few steps before he caught something in the corner of his eye. His left hand had gotten a bit messy. Maybe some ink rubbed on it and he hadn’t realized.
He turned his palm around so he could get a better look at it but quickly froze. He was met with the sight of his phone number staring back at him.
Wait…
Hajime whirled around to see Nagito was staring at him, eyes wide in disbelief. His partner in a project...actually turned out to be...
This is…him?
It was him. It was really him.
He couldn’t find the words to say as he felt the force of his realization hit him like a punch to the gut. Fortunately, Nagito recovered quicker than he had and broke the silence, clearing his throat. He offered him a small, shaky smile.
“…so…I guess I owe you a coffee?”