Work Text:
COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT OF "Prince Henry Reads Thirst Tweets / FSOTUS Reads Mean Tweets" (2021) © Buzzfeed, Inc
INT. HRH & ACD
MID-SHOT
HENRY and ALEX are sitting on a table, each of them holding a clear plastic bowl. They are laughing at each other.
ALEX
(vexed)
Why the fuck does he get thirst tweets and I get stuck with the mean ones? I don't think that's fair.
HENRY
(teasing)
Gather they were wanting for choice where you were concerned.
ALEX gestures with his pointer finger and makes circular motions around his face.
ALEX
Baby, look at this face. You're telling me this doesn't do it for the people?
jump cut to
INT. HRH & ACD
ALEX
Hi, this is His Royal Highness, Prince Henry George Edward James Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
HENRY
(choking)
Fucking Christ, can't you be normal—
ALEX
(chuckling)
It's your name!
jump cut to BEEP SFX
ALEX gestures to HENRY.
ALEX
Hi, this is Prince Henry and he'll be reading Thirst Tweets.
HENRY gestures to ALEX.
HENRY
And this is Alex Claremont-Diaz and he'll be reading Mean Tweets.
TRANSITION TO "THIRST TWEETS" OBB
Text reads: Thirst Tweets & Mean Tweets with Prince Henry and FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz.
cut to
INT. HRH & ACD
MID-SHOT.
ALEX is reaching into the plastic bowl and fishes for a scrap of paper. HENRY watches him fondly.
ALEX
I still don't understand why I get the mean ones. HENRY's the one who likes it when you're mean to him.
HENRY
I like it when you're mean to me. Big difference. I'm still a royal; being mean to me's risking finding yourself at Her Majesty's pleasure.
ALEX
Why would I ever want to be at—
HENRY
That's not—
ALEX fishes out one tweet from the bowl and reads it aloud.
ALEX
(reading)
"i, too, am a short gay with undiagnosed adhd but god damn, alex c-d takes it a whole new fucking level"
(to camera, pointedly)
Okay, first of all, fuck you. I am five foot nine.
HENRY
Eight and a half, really.
HENRY is trying to stifle his chuckles. He pulls at the sleeve of his shirt and tries to hide his chuckling. ALEX sees this and playfully shoves him by the arm.
ALEX
(grinning)
Shut the fuck up! It's not my fault you're a giant!
HENRY
No comment on the ADHD, though?
ALEX
(shrugging)
Eh. When you're right, you're right.
(to camera)
Correction, though. I am diagnosed, thank you very much. And, y'know—good luck with that, pal. It's torture when it gets bad but it's manageable. You'll be alright.
It's now the Prince's turn. HENRY reaches into the plastic bowl and fishes out a tweet. He rolls it out and reads from it.
HENRY
(reading)
"okay but prince henry in the spring burberry collection. my bussy is ready."
(to Alex)
I don't think there's ever been a royal who has had to say "bussy" in front of a camera before.
ALEX nearly doubles over in laughter. He peers over HENRY's shoulder to peek at the tweet.
ALEX
(to camera)
So is mine, Twitter user swiftiesotus.
HENRY
(muttering)
Jesus Christ.
ALEX
Me again!
ALEX takes out another tweet from his bowl.
ALEX
(reading)
"alex claremont-diaz looks like he shops at the gap."
(to camera)
And what about it? Huh?
ALEX slams both of his hands on the table and leans toward CAMERA A. He's joking as there is still a small smile on his face.
ALEX
GAP has some nice things and I will not be fashion-shamed by someone with the username [REDACTED/BLEEP SFX].
(to Henry, hushed)
Wait, can I say that on camera?
(to unseen BuzzFeed staffer)
You can edit that out, right?
BUZZFEED STAFFER (O.C.)
We can bleep it out, it's fine.
HENRY
(reading)
"HRH Prince Henry of Wales is so god damn fine, I'm about to let a white man colonize my ass. Sorry to my ancestors but I'm different."
(stuttering, to camera)
Uh, I-I—I don't... I think my ilk's colonized enough in this planet's lifetime, I don't—I don't think I need to contribute more to that legacy but thanks. Thank you. Very kind. Next, please.
HENRY flicks the paper over his shoulder as ALEX reaches into his bowl for another tweet to read.
ALEX
(reading)
"alex and henry are not han and leia because alex is 4 feet tall. they are clearly r2d2 and c3po."
ALEX angrily looks to camera and pauses. He stares down CAMERA A. HENRY, on the other end of the table, is covering his mouth with his hands, clearly laughing. ALEX turns to him.
ALEX
The fuck are you laughing at?
HENRY
(mumbled, his mouth covered by his hand)
I'm not doing anything!
ALEX raises the bowl with one hand and shakes it.
ALEX
Are all these fucking tweets about my height? I hate literally all y'all. I am keeping these and I'm blocking every single one of y'all.
HENRY
(to Alex)
Relax, love.
ALEX
(to Henry)
You wouldn't be so smug if everybody kept calling you short when you're not.
HENRY
(to Alex)
You know, surprisingly enough, I've never had that problem.
ALEX rolls his eyes.
ALEX
Fuck you.
HENRY only smiles smugly at his boyfriend as he reaches into his clear bowl and gets out another tweet to read.
HENRY
(reading)
"maybe it's just me but prince henry is cordially invited to rearrange my guts and break my back yes daddy let me eat that ass"
(to camera)
I don't like this daddy thing. I don't like it. It's very not me. And before you say that it's very unbecoming for a royal to be speaking like this to camera, I am just reading verbatim, as instructed. Also, I was also told it was rather unbecoming for a prince in line for the throne to be gay but we've already burnt that bridge, haven't we?
ALEX
Heyoooooooo!
ALEX reaches into the bowl for another tweet.
ALEX (cont'd)
(muttering)
If this is another height joke, I swear to God—
(reading)
"i want to know why fsotus dresses like he's about tell me the best time to invest in bitcoin is yesterday—"
(to camera)
What is wrong with my clothes?! I look nice—I dress well, how dare you?! And, anyway, joke's on you, I don't know shit about bitcoin.
HENRY
I do want to say, for the record, that he's always hounding me about the way I dress and says I'm the one of us who's—
(using air quotes)
"too boring"
ALEX
Okay, listen, sweetheart, I am getting mean tweets by design over here. Don't get it twisted.
(to camera)
This is y'alls doing. You're making a goddamn monster.
HENRY fishes out another tweet.
HENRY
(reading)
"Prince Henry is the cutest bb soft boi, too pure and too good for this world. Do you think he would choke me if I asked politely?"
(chokes on a laugh, then speaks to camera)
That is not where I thought that'd be going, not going to lie. And I don't—
(to Alex)
I don't know where they're getting this 'too pure' bollocks, I mean—come on. They've read the e-mails.
(to camera)
You've read the e-mails, don't lie to yourselves.
ALEX
(to the tune of '...Baby One More Time')
He's not that in-no-cent!
(to Henry, normally)
Would you, though?
HENRY
(to Alex)
Would I what?
ALEX only waggles his brow and grins. HENRY reads the tweet again, closes his eyes, and sighs. Notably, HENRY turns into a much deeper shade of red. HENRY bows his head and pinches the skin between his eyebrows.
HENRY (cont'd)
(sotto voce)
I hate you so much.
ALEX grins widely to camera while he fishes another tweet from his bowl.
ALEX
(reading)
"oh look at me i'm alex claremont-diaz, i'm—"
ALEX has to stop reading as he bursts into giggles.
ALEX (cont'd)
(reading, grinning as he reads; he reads with a funny voice)
"oh look at me i'm alex claremont-diaz, i'm a historic political figure and bicon before the age of 22, have a fairytale prince boyfriend and perfect hair and teeth and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. go fuck yourself alex claremont-diaz."
(smirks to camera)
Oh, bless your heart.
HENRY
(smirking)
There is no way that's all in one tweet.
ALEX
(to Henry)
You callin' me a liar, baby?
HENRY
(in a really bad accent)
Ain't callin' you a truth'a.
ALEX chokes on a laugh. HENRY looks fondly at him as he tries to get another tweet from the bowl.
HENRY (cont'd)
(reading)
"i am so thirsty for prince henry fox-mountchristen-windsor that i memorised his entire name"
(to camera)
I mean, that's not my entire name but good effort. Thank you very much.
ALEX gets another tweet from the bowl.
ALEX
(reading)
"@AlexClaremontDiaz i mean this as disrespectfully as possible: choke on a dick"
ALEX makes a face—almost like a pout, his eyes darting upward. He looks like he's considering it. ALEX drifts his gaze to HENRY and smirks.
ALEX
(mouths to camera)
Been there.
ALEX winks at the camera. HENRY sighs loudly and clears his throat as he gets out another tweet.
HENRY
Anyway...
(reading)
"i want prince henry to top the shit out of me and destroy my ass but i know he's a bottom"
HENRY flicks away the paper behind him.
HENRY (cont'd)
Decidedly false, but anyway... I have no further comment.
ALEX licks his lips as he bites back a laugh. He reaches to his bowl for another mean tweet.
ALEX
(reading)
"@AlexClaremontDiaz i hope the next time you order a latte they make it with whole milk instead of oat milk"
HENRY
(to Alex)
Now that's just unnecessarily mean, who is that—
ALEX shows HENRY the tweet.
HENRY (cont'd)
(to camera)
Listen here, Twitter user @HoziersFirstPrince, that could very well be an attempted assassination of someone who isn't just a member of the First Family of the United States of America but is also the partner of a living prince of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Do not test me.
ALEX is fondly looking at HENRY, resting his chin on his hand.
ALEX
(eyes to camera; sotto voce)
That was hot.
HENRY rolls his eyes. He reaches into his bowl for another tweet.
HENRY
(reading)
"prince henry getting his back blown out every single night by alex claremont-diaz,,, god i see what you have done for others and i want that for me"
(to camera)
I mean—not every night.
ALEX playfully pretends to cover his mouth from HENRY and mouths "it is every night" to CAMERA A while nodding. HENRY sees him do this and looks directly to CAMERA A and shakes his head, unamused.
ALEX fishes out his final mean tweet.
ALEX
Oof. Alright, last one, here we go!
(reading)
"i hope you all have a great weekend. except you, alex claremont-diaz. fuck you."
(to camera)
Thanks, Juniper. Love you too.
HENRY snickers as he also grabs his last thirst tweet from the fish bowl.
HENRY
(reading)
"feel like pure shit, just want my guts rearranged and my asshole ripped apart between prince henry's massive dick and alex claremont-diaz, spinning between them like a rotisserie chicken"
ALEX bursts into laughter and nearly falls off his chair. HENRY looks straight into the camera, a little horrified.
ALEX
(high-pitched, still laughing)
ROTISSERIE CHICKEN!
ALEX appears like he might cry from laughter. He crosses his arms along the table and hides his face, shaking as he laughs. HENRY looks as if he's holding back his own laugh while watching ALEX basically lose his mind.
HENRY
(to camera)
It's not massive! It's perfectly... decent.
ALEX raises his head and wags a finger to the camera.
ALEX
(to Henry)
I mean...
HENRY
(to Alex)
Please stop encouraging the internet into thinking I've got a massive dick.
ALEX
(to camera, pointing a finger)
I mean, they shouldn't say it—
(to Henry)
But they're not wrong.
ALEX and HENRY are both laughing, looking into each other's eyes.
BUZZFEED STAFFER (O.C.)
Are we sure we can even air this? Why would they agree to this?
The voice captures ALEX'S attention and he looks at the staffer.
ALEX
Sorry, what? What'd you mean by that?
BUZZFEED STAFFER (O.C.)
It's just—we wouldn't want y'all to get in trouble, and—
ALEX
I mean, it's fine, we agreed to it, it's to raise awareness for the foundation—
BUZZFEED STAFFER (O.C.)
I just mean in the future, if you're planning on running for office, and—
ALEX scoffs. HENRY only looks at ALEX, gently rubbing his shoulder.
ALEX
You mean, how politicians don't talk about their sex lives on camera? Yeah, I know. I know that. And if we had any say in how we got to tell our story, neither of us would ever be doing this.
There is a smirk on ALEX'S lips but there is no mirth present the expression. There is a rage in his eyes that sparks too suddenly; it flows into his voice, barely controlled. ALEX does not stop.
ALEX (cont'd)
Because I know what I am and I know what I want to be. But the thing is, that option was ripped away from both of us and now, no matter what it is either of us do, those emails are going to come up at some point. Those emails, those private thoughts that we used every means of protecting but were violated and spread like wildfire. They were stolen from us. The opportunity to be dignified and mysterious in the way that traditional politicians have always been has been stolen from us to such a degree that it'll be used against me as a politician no matter what it is I do for the rest of my career—I do just mean me here because, hey, it's not like he gets voted in anywhere.
HENRY reaches for ALEX'S hand and holds it in his. He does not try to stop him from speaking. HENRY does not look away from him; he squeezes ALEX'S hands. ALEX squeezes back. But ALEX stares intently at the BuzzFeed staffer.
ALEX (cont'd)
And to be perfectly frank, those leaks were made to make us feel small and ashamed. Like what we are and what we do is something to be kept in the shadows. And I would do anything for the opportunity to have kept those moments with him sacred. But the moment's gone and all that's left is to own it. So I own it. I am nothing but transparent and I want to be as honest as I can because that's all I can be.
(to camera)
We are two grown men—fully realized adults and we're in love.
(to Henry)
I love him so much it makes everything inside me want to burst out of my skin just looking at him.
(to camera)
And we have sex. A lot of it. I mean, can you blame me? Look at him.
ALEX gestures to HENRY with his free hand as if this should be obvious. HENRY, bashful, bows slightly and shakes his head while smiling.
ALEX (cont'd)
(to camera)
And sex, when it's good and right, is nothing to be ashamed of. It's amazing, it's fun, and I will never get tired of getting to be with him. So, yeah. I have sex with my boyfriend. I acknowledge that it's something that happens. I really, really don't want it to be the only thing people know about me. I am—and we are—so, so much more than that. And I will joke about it, knowing absolutely that I have political aspirations. I'm going to talk about it. Because why not? Everyone else gets to.
HENRY covers ALEX'S hand that he's holding with his other hand. HENRY looks then to the BuzzFeed staffer and offers them a tight-lipped smile.
HENRY
That's probably so much more than what you bargained for.
ALEX huffs out a laugh. He looks at HENRY. HENRY looks at him. They smile.
cut to black