Chapter Text
Kaoru Hakaze thought that he knew himself quite well. He knew he was charming, if all the dates he went to throughout his high school years were any indication. He knew that he could barely show up to practice and still perform all of Rei's convoluted dance routines and most importantly, that he was straight .
But now that everything that he knew was seemingly changing, he was starting to wonder if he really knew himself as well as he claimed he did. He hadn't been on dates for a good couple of months, and he hadn't even tried hitting on a girl despite UNDEAD's ever growing popularity. Even his supposed crush on Anzu was seemingly withering away, and he couldn’t even bring himself to slip into his usual flirty persona around her.
Kaoru even took practice more seriously. He was past the point of being insecure about simply being in the same practice room as men, and besides, regardless of his insecurities, he cared about his unit too much to not give it his all after all the chaos that his team has been through.
So, in retrospect, maybe he didn't know himself quite as well as he thought he did. It's not like he feels like he's a different person or anything, he's still the same Kaoru, just a slightly more confident version of himself.
Hanging out with men no longer scares him. Which was fine, good for him, most idols he hung out with were men anyways, so it's a good thing that he's grown more comfortable with their general presence.
What isn't so good though is the weird feelings he gets around guys. Objectively speaking, it isn't gay to appreciace a good looking guy. They're idols, being attractive is kind of in the job description, so Kaoru could totally just be a straight guy who just vaguely admires the way other guys look.
Although straight men probably don't have embarrassingly romantic dreams featuring their very platonic friend that involve kissing. And they also probably don't look forward to meeting that friend with a lovesick grin on their face. Or think about how soft and nice his lips look, or how pretty said friend's eyes are, or-
" Fufu~ Is Kaoru-kun early for practice? It makes this poor old man's heart happy to see you take practice so seriously~♪ "
Rei's loud voice was enough to break Kaoru out of whatever sexuality crisis induced trance he was in. He also didn't appreciate the implication that him being early was some sort of rare accomplishment.
" C'mon Rei-kun, it's been a while since I've skipped practice. I'm totally serious about cleaning up my act, you know~ "
" Hm, I suppose that is true, and yet I cannot help but feel as though you didn't come here to idly wait around. Is something bothering you, Kaoru-kun? I'm always willing to lend an ear, you know~ "
Curse vampires and their damn perceptiveness. " Uhm, I'm not really sure what you mean though? I'm totally fine, Rei-kun, nothing to worry about~ ".
" Kaoru-kun. "
There really was no getting out of this, was there? " Y-yeah? "
" I'm serious, you are free to share your worries with me. Of course, if it is a sensitive matter, then I will not bother you any further, but I'd like to think of us as close enough for you to feel comfortable talking to me at least. "
" ...Rei-kun, how did you know you liked guys? "
Oh god, he hadn't meant to say that loud. He'd laugh at how caught off guard Rei looked if his callosal mess up wasn't the reason behind it. He probably looked even more shocked than Rei. " I-I'm sorry! I just blurted it out! You're probably straight anyway. J-Just forget I said anything. "
" ...There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Kaoru-kun, I was simply caught off guard. I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but I was somewhat anticipating this conversation to happen. Although I cannot say that I was expecting it to happen quite so soon. "
" Y-You w-what?! ". Was he that obvious? Did anyone besides Rei know? It's not like he was the walking stereotype of someone deeply insecure about their sexuality or anything.
" Kaoru-kun, relax, it is alright, there is no judgement here. And it’s not as if your assumptions about me are wrong, so you do not have to feel embarrassed. I'm not sure I can be of much help to you, I'm assuming 'I simply knew ' will not suffice for an answer. "
" It's just… for how long have you known? About me, I mean. Just… tell me before I start freaking out again. "
" I don't think you'll like the answer too much. "
" Just tell me. "
" ...I may have known since we met. "
Since they met?! That was years ago at this point, and besides, how could Rei just… know? Did he fit into some sort of gay box that he was unaware of?
" Kaoru-kun, you're overthinking again. "
" Do you expect me not to? "
" No, I assume your reaction is to be expected. Maybe I should have been more gentle with my approach, I suppose I'm used to these topics being approached a tad more casually. If you want me to be truly honest, you hadn't done anything flamboyant or whatever else you're assuming. "
" Then how did you know? And don't say you just ' did ', I must have done something . "
Rei went quiet. Which was a rarity. It was hard to get him to stop going on tangents usually, so having the vampire stop talking was unsettling to say the least.
" I suppose there is no treading this lightly. To put it simply you… ' checked me out ' as the youth would say, quite frequently upon our meeting. It's not as if that's enough to assume anything, but your general behavior, mixed with how… flustered you'd get around men, and how vocally you'd protest any implications of you being anything but heterosexual… Well, it wasn’t hard to put the puzzle pieces together. "
Was he really so… transparent? It had taken him years to come to terms with questioning himself, so to think that everyone but him had seemingly already known was… uncomfortable. Rei probably wasn't the only person to know, his classmates had also probably figured it out. Did everyone know? Did… Kanata know?
" Kaoru-kun, are you alright? I wasn't trying to push all of this onto you, it's been awhile since I've had this sort of conversation. I hope this isn't too much to ask, but has anything brought this conversation on? You asked me impulsively, so I assume this topic has been on your mind. "
When Kaoru first arrived to the practice room, he hadn't expected to have his unit leader act like his wise gay mentor. Well, that was Rei's usual aesthetic anyways, so maybe it wasn’t too shocking. It was still a lot to process, but if Rei was already aware of his… issue, so it's not like he had anything to lose by indulging any further information.
" Y-Yeah, you're right. Uhm, I know you told me to tone down the romance, but I… think I have a crush? "
" You're this distraught over having a crush? "
" Not all of us are gay sex magnets, Rei-kun, and besides, you knew I wasn't serious about anyone back then. "
" So you’re serious about this man? My, I'm shocked~. To think I'd see you grow out of your frivolous ways, I'm proud~♪ Besides, you have my trust and approval, I do sincerely believe that you'll be sensible with the rumors may they arise. "
" Well… thanks, it's not like I'm actually dating anyone though, you know? I'm barely holding myself together just talking about gay stuff with you, so I don’t know if I can actually handle asking him out. "
Or could he? He also didn't think that he'd ever talk about his struggles out loud. Most of his gay musings were done under his blankets at home while he cried himself to sleep. Even if he was better about it now, it was hard to not have his dad's words ring in his ear. In a way, it was nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with. He was already relatively calm from the revelation that everyone has been following his identity crisis for years now.
So if he could talk about his sexuality with someone now, maybe he'd be able to act upon said sexuality sooner or later. Whatever it was. He was still figuring that part out.
" Well, whatever you choose to do, I shall be here to support you, both as your unit leader and as a friend. And as pleasant as this chat was, Wanko and Adonis-kun will arrive shortly. We did arrive to practice, after all. "
" Yeah… you're right. Um, thank you, Rei-kun. Really. "
Rei gave him his usual tired smile, and Kaoru found himself smiling back. Even with just Rei rooting for him, his chances suddenly didn't look so bleak.
" Oh, and Kaoru-kun? "
" Yeah? "
" Tell Shinkai-kun I said hi when you meet him~♪ "
…Of course he already knew. Damn vampires and their perceptiveness indeed.