Archive of Our Own

The snow crushes under the weight of the guilt, the pain, and most importantly, the person itself who carries the whole thing.

He could barely acknowledge the heaviness of his winter coat, hell he could barely acknowledge the heaviness of anything physical around him. The only acknowledgment he could feel was the throbbing in his heart, the stinging pain in his eyes, with the tears threatening to fall, but he couldn’t shut his eyes, he couldn’t blink, he couldn’t rest before he sought what he was looking for.

But at the same time, he wishes he could just fall asleep, that he could just drop dead right on the spot, to fall into a lullaby and hopes that this whole day is just a nightmare he never intends or wishes to ever happen, the only solution to the entire problem was to face the issue itself.

It was only after a few minutes when he found the problem that he fears entirely, and he couldn’t believe it, he didn’t wish to believe in it, but the truth was already smacked to his face, and all his feelings, all his emotions just came pouring out, the pain lingering in his whole body,

He doesn’t remember much after that, just the screaming in his ears, maybe it was him who was the one screaming, he didn’t know. He remembers the hands crowding him, touching him in all sorts of places, he knew it was supposed to be a sense of comfort, like a pat on the back, or ruffle on the hair, but it didn’t feel that way for him. He remembers himself flinching and trembling tremendously to the touches, they felt rough against the skin, and the only person that could touch him for a sense of comfort was Ash Lynx. Aslan Jade Callenreese, and no one else.

The next thing he knew, was waking up on a cold, hard surface. The first time he thought was that it was just a bad dream, nothing more. But the reality was so much colder than that, this time around, he didn’t feel the truth being smacked to his face, it was just the cold hard truth facing him because he already knew, he just didn’t wish to believe it.

He realized he was lying on a wooden bench, with his head elevated on something else, his eyes flickered to Ibe-san, who was looking down in disquiet. The look on the face he has seen more than he has expected ever since they first came to America.

He decides he shouldn’t be resting anymore, but instead look for the man he sought for. Only to have Ibe-san putting his rough hands on his shoulders, not expecting the slight flinch when they made contact. He couldn’t bear any longer to look at what expression Ibe-san is making from that, and just proceeded to stand up from the hard surface, only to fall forward and have his face almost fall flat into the snow. But thankfully, Ibe-san wasn’t having any of it and lunged forward to catch him before he could even react.

He could still feel exhaustion lingering in him, both physically and mentally. There were ringing sounds surrounding him, he could see Ibe-san’s lips moving, but no vocals were heard, all except that annoying ringing hammering his head. But he had only one clear objective that he had to accomplish, and he would do it no matter what. He could feel his legs moving forward, ignoring Ibe-san. His head still felt a sense of spinning, the lightheadedness was getting to him, the loss of balance was also getting to him. But his legs continued to move around, despite the protest from the rest of his body.

Ash.

That’s the only thing he could think of, the objective that he would sacrifice himself to finish.

The distance wasn't so far away, but it felt like a hundred miles away with his condition. Help did come for him, for when he felt his arms being supported, by both Ibe-san on the right, and Sing on the left. He then realized that right behind him, the whole of Ash’s and the Chinatown gang was following him, all the familiar faces, Alex, Bones, Kong, and a few other people he just couldn’t remember at the top of his head now.

And when he finally reached his destination, he could feel tears falling again, he could feel his heartthrob once more, but he knew he had to get through this, he had to face it eventually.

“W-Why?”

The first word struggled to come out of his mouth, his throat was hoarse and rough after screaming loudly before, he was stumbling through his words, but once the gate opened, all the feelings flooded around him, all the words, filled with his feelings, were all coming out.

“Why would you le-leave me a-alone? Y-You promised... You promised me you would come with me! You promised me you would come with me to Japan! How could you just break your promise like this?!”

Everyone around him was bowing their heads, there were sniffles, and sobbing. But no one dared to stop him, no one wanted to, after all, he was bottling so many emotions inside himself.

“YOU PROMISED! HOW COULD YOU JUST SAID GOODBYE? I SHOULDN’T HAVE-”

He hesitated in his words, before whimpering softly.

“I shouldn’t have taught you that word… I shouldn’t have…”

At that point in time, he was gripping onto the casket so tightly, on his knees, with his forehead leaning onto the casket, he was weeping loudly, sniffling between words, feeling his throat closing up, the tears streaming down his face.

“I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! YOU PROMISED! I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!”

He obviously doesn’t mean it, it is just the feelings of guilt and anger controlling him.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry Ash, I didn’t mean it… I want to see you again, I want to hold you, I want to make you your favorite shrimp and avocado salad, I want to go to the library with you again, I want to be able to drag you out of bed to wake you up, I want to scare you with pumpkins during Halloween, I want to comfort you when you have nightmares, I want to hear your stupid jokes. I want you to be with me again, I want you to be there for me. I love you, Ash… I love you so much…”

At that point in time, everyone around him was either bawling or holding onto someone else for comfort, all grieving for the loss of their boss, their friend.

“That same night Aslan Jade Callenreese’s funeral took place, an event has happened in the New York City public library, was found another man who was found dead due to a drug overdose, which was suspected to be sleeping pills, by the substance found on the table itself. On the table was also a note, which was scribbled to be, ‘Sayonara, Aslan. It won’t be long before I am there with you, wait for me.’ The man who had unfortunately passed away was analyzed to be a 19-year-old man, named Okumura Eiji. The same man who was cross-referenced to be the same person that was mentioned in the letter that the infamous gang leader, Ash Lynx, had held onto at his death in the same library which Okumura Eiji had died on. It is highly suspected that it is not a coincidence, considering the specific seat in which Okumura Eiji died, was opposite the seat Ash Lynx died on. We will bring to you further news from the ABC news channel."

A couple of days later, a new casket was buried under, next to the grave of Ash Lynx.

“Okaerinasai, Eiji.”

“Tadaima, Aslan.”