Chapter Text
“So, Craig Tucker, huh?”
He probably could’ve phrased it better to avoid the daggers that were shot across the counter from the hazel eyes. He couldn’t help it though. It was kind of adorable. Which is also something he should’ve really kept to himself.
Instead he said: “Hey, no judgement. It’s kinda cute.”
“Why are you bringing this up?!” Tweek snapped out in a hush.
“I promised I’d help you! I keep my promises.”
“I don’t want your help!”
The conversation was cut short by someone entering the quaint little coffee shop in the quaint little mountain town. Tweek tore himself away to serve the customer with a strained smile as Kenny loitered against the end of the counter like the youth he was. He gave a polite smile and nod to the woman who was being served. She turned away.
Context would probably help.
Today was Saturday, which made yesterday Friday, which made it party day. Kenny tried his best to usually steer clear of too much alcohol – there were only so many drunk people that could be in their house, especially if someone had to be sober enough to look after Karen or go to work the next day. Tweek usually did as well as far as he knew, but that night he found the blonde taking shot after shot with a furrowed brow and a slight glisten in his eyes.
So Kenny took Tweek to one side and asked what was wrong, like the good friend he was. He wasn’t sure he’d ever heard anyone talk so fast in his life.
It turned out the woes of Teenage Infatuation had made their rounds to Tweek Tweak, the neurotic workaholic who always seemed to shy away from romance. The few passes people had made to him he’d swiftly turned down. But from the sounds of things it was due to a long, ongoing, one-sided crush.
A crush on Craig Tucker, Tweek’s sort of best friend.
From what Kenny managed to decipher through the drunken crying was that Tweek had liked Craig for a while. He’d hoped it would just fizzle out and go away, but it wasn’t, and now junior prom was coming up and couples were everywhere and his feelings were becoming too much to handle because all he wanted was to go to prom with Craig, who had never showed an interest in prom or Tweek and would probably just think Tweek wanted to go as friends which would be the worst.
So, continuing with the good friend theme, he offered his assistance to help Tweek capture the icy cold heart of one Craig Tucker.
Drunk-Tweek had been overflowing with gratitude. Sober-Tweek looked ready to hit him over the head with the coffee machine and hide his body out back.
“Thank you for your offer, but get out my shop,” Tweek hissed as he finished with the woman, lowering his voice now there were actual customers in the store. “I don’t want help.”
“So you don’t want to go to prom with Craig?”
“Would you-?!” Tweek flailed his arms in frustration. “Don’t say it out loud!”
“Oh, come on, who’s listening?”
“I don’t know! That’s the problem! No one knows!”
Kenny rolled his eyes. “Fine, do you not want my help getting a date for prom?”
“Not really!”
“Yesterday-!”
“Yesterday I was drunk and upset! Today I’m hung-over and full of regret, so can we just…drop it?”
He pursed his lips, leaning in across the counter. “Okay; if you can tell me, straight faced, looking me in the eyes, that you don’t want my help, then I’ll drop it-!”
“-I don’t wan-!”
“But!” he pressed a finger to Tweek’s over-eager lips. “Keep in mind who it was that scored Marjorine a date with none other than star quarterback, Stan Marsh, yeah?”
Tweek hesitated.
“Or Heidi and Clyde?”
“I thought that was Cartman?”
“He had help. A lot of help. From me.”
Tweek practically pouted.
“Come on then, tell me you don’t want my help.”
“I-!” hazel eyes looked up. They flickered down. “I need to think about it.”
“Yes!”
“That’s not a yes! It’s a maybe!”
“That’s better than a no!” Kenny pointed out. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”
“What do you get out of it?”
It was a good question. He hadn’t really considered any kind of reward other than the satisfaction of seeing a happy couple. When he’d helped Marjorine it was because she’d asked, and when he helped Cartman with his dumb little set ups it was because Cartman had expected it to make the girl miserable, and Kenny knew it would only make Cartman miserable. Which was entertaining, even if they were childhood besties.
“One hot chocolate, to go.”
“You want a hot chocolate?”
“Yeah! As a reward!”
“How many hot chocolates?”
“How many are you willing to give me?”
Tweek raised a brow. “One a week. On the house.”
“Every Saturday evening?”
“Uh, sure. Saturdays. Whatever. Now would you get gone?! It’s nearly ten o’clock, people are gonna start coming in soon and I have a headache!”
“Self inflicted,” Kenny said with a shrug. “I’ll be back for my payment later.”
There was no doubt in Kenny’s mind that Tweek would accept his deal. He powered through his shift at work with an air of confidence, as if he just won a bet.
No one could argue that it was nothing short of a miracle that he got Heidi and Clyde together. He liked sports, and she liked studying. He was a closeted cry-baby, and she had a mean streak hidden beneath her caring nature. When Cartman had suggested it Kenny knew it was because he’d wanted to get back at Heidi, even if the bigger teen swore it was to see her finally ‘move on’.
But Heidi was a vegan in a small town with cattle farms surrounding it. Her diet of choice was…as controversial as a diet could be, he supposed. And there was no one in town that loved food as much as Clyde. At least, that loved food and was willing to eat new things.
He was also best friends with Craig, who had a mean streak that would put Heidi’s to shame, so he clearly had some kind of backbone. Or maybe he just liked to be stepped on. Either worked.
Marjorine and Stan were a little more understandable. It was no secret the sweet girl had a crush on the star quarterback, as much as she tried to keep it to herself. It had happened some time after she’d begun her transition into the woman she was meant to be, and it was honestly one of the cutest things Kenny had ever seen.
Stan was oblivious, and a fool, and a sucker for getting his ego stroked. He liked puppies and compliments and his best friends. And as one of Stan’s best friends, and one of Marjorine’s best friends, it had been easy to trick them into going on a date together.
It still made him smile, the sweet way they’d look at each other at the very beginning. Like neither quite knew what they were doing.
When Kenny went back in later that day to pick up his hot chocolate, Tweek wasn’t there. His mother was instead, a kind smile on her face as she passed him his drink and said Tweek had told her Kenny got a free cocoa for helping him with homework.
He just had to wait till school. Tweek would come to him. He knew it.
--
He didn’t wait very long.
Upon entering the building Kenny saw the twitchy blonde by Kenny's locker, looking even more high-strung than usual. Kenny tried his best not to look too smug as he approached, not bothering to open his locker and instead just rested against it as he waited for Tweek to speak.
“Jesus, I hate you,” Tweek growled through gritted teeth as he glared up at Kenny. “I hate you so much.”
“What? ‘The fuck did I do?”
“You come parading in here looking all smug!”
A grin split across Kenny’s face. “I kinda assumed the hot chocolate from your mom was a yes.”
“This is crazy,” Tweek muttered. “This whole thing is crazy. I’m crazy, for even entertaining you with this. This is – it’s crazy.”
“You said.”
“But…” Tweek glanced away from him with downturned lips. “I guess it is…I’m not handling it very well.”
“I’d say you were doing a good job.”
“No, I’m not. I thought it would just go away, and it hasn’t. So if you think you can…help, then…?”
Kenny held his breath as he waited for the words.
“Then I’d be crazy to say no.”
“You won’t regret it,” Kenny promised as he clapped Tweek on the shoulder. Sure, he'd expected Tweek to agree, but he felt a rush of pure pride at the words actually acknowledging it.
“Where do we – what’s the start?”
“The start is you let me make a game plan,” Kenny explained as he opened the locker. “It’s not that you need loads of help speaking to Craig, you’re like, best friends, you talk a lot. You lack the confidence to flirt.”
There was an annoyed grumble, but Tweek didn’t argue with him.
“That can be taught. We gotta find a way to get you on his radar. For that?” he shut his locker and turned back to Tweek. “Give me two days.”
Hazel eyes were narrowed as the boy’s nostrils flared. “What are you going to do?”
“You gotta trust me if this is going to work.”
“Ugh,” Tweek’s nose scrunched up. “Fine! But don’t do anything…weird, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Gotta trust you,” Tweek muttered. “Fucking - how the hell am I meant to trust you, when you’re always looking so suspicious?”
“I’m not suspicious!”
“You’re the most suspicious,” Tweek argued. “You’re like, always so present and quiet and paying attention to things, who even needs to pay that much attention to things? Suspicious. Totally suspicious.”
Any defence he could’ve had ready was cut short by the sound of the bell ringing around them, warning them they only had five minutes to get to class. Tweek turned narrowed hazel eyes up to him, lips pulled into a thin line as he took a step closer, voice low as he spoke.
“Two days?”
“Yup. Two days. I’ll message you.”
“Do you even have my number?”
“Uh, probably? Have you changed it recently?”
“I always change it every time I get a new phone. It’s better that way.”
“Oh,” Kenny shrugged. “Well, do you have my number? Because mine’s still the same.”
"I think so.”
“You text me then,” Kenny suggested. “And then I’ll be able to message you.”
“Fine, fine. Let’s just get to class.”
He waved the grumpy blonde stalk his way through the halls, feeling that same smug smile spread across his face as he did so. There was something satisfying about knowing that he’d be able to set up another two of his friends, and about knowing that his help was sought after.
Made him feel useful.
He did need to make a game plan, though, and he spent his time up until his study period making one.
When he worked on getting Heidi and Clyde together, he spent a lot of time chatting with Red. She was happy to help him out for a nominal fee of ten bucks, planting whatever thoughts in Heidi’s head that he needed and feeding him information on her responses to the brunette boy.
He would have Tweek there in his pocket, so he needed someone to be able to provide him with a direct line to Craig, who wasn’t part of his gang, because the last thing he needed was Tweek to catch wind of his man on the inside. He couldn't imagine the earful he'd get about telling his secret to someone. It made the selection process easier, at least, as Token, Clyde, and Jimmy were all out the picture.
Bebe played games with him, but was far too gossipy to trust. Wendy was in his study group, but she was more Tweek’s friend than Craig’s from what Kenny gathered.
There was another person who was in the same study group as Wendy and Craig, who Kenny was pretty confident he could trust.
“Hey,” he greeted as he clattered down opposite one redheaded boy in the library, nose buried in a book and sharp eyes full of suspicion as they looked up at him. “How’s…history?”
“What do you want?”
He gave a mocking gasp. “Can’t I just ask about your interests without being suspicious?”
“No, you can’t,” the book clattered onto the table and a wry smile crossed his face. “Out with it, dude. What is it?"
Kyle Broflovski would be his ticket to success.
Kenny sucked in a breath as he prepared himself for some resistance. “So, do you remember when I set up Stan and Marjorine?”
“I guess?” Kyle furrowed his brow.
“And Heidi and Clyde, right?”
Kyle scoffed. “How could I forget, with how much Cartman fucking whined to me about it.”
“Well, I have a new request, and I was hoping that you might be able to help me.”
Kyle did not look okay with that idea, and he didn't even know what he was being asked to do yet. “Who is it?”
“Craig and Tweek,” Kenny explained. “It’s – I need you to help me with Craig.”
“You want me to…what?”
Kenny shrugged it off. “Y’know, just a little helping hand. It’ll be fun.”
“Sounds like a bad idea to me.”
“C’mon, Kyle, I need your help with it!”
“Why do you need my help?”
“Because Craig respects you, you guys study together. You can be, like, my inside person.”
Kyle turned away with a twist in his face. “I wouldn’t go that far. What would you even want me to do?”
“Talk to him, see if you can get any insight on if he likes anyone, if he has plans for prom, that kind of thing.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You’re friends!”
“Yeah, but not the kind of friends who do girl-talk and gossip,” Kyle scoffed. “Last time we talked about things remotely personal was when I went on an hour long rant about Ike popping my basketball and then trying to hide it in the attic.”
“I believe in you. You’re the best person for this job.”
“How am-?”
“The best option that I have, between you and Wendy.”
Kyle scoffed. “Wendy would probably be a better option, honestly.”
Kenny waited with bated breath.
“But I’ll...try. Don’t expect anything, though. Jesus, I’d have to get him away from the rest of the group, first.”
“Thanks, dude! I knew I could trust you.”
“Is that all you needed?” Kyle asked, voice disapproving despite the small smile on his face. “Can I go back to my work now? My teacher’s around somewhere, supervising our library time.”
“Yeah, I know, he’s off chatting with the librarian, so I’d say you’re safe,” Kenny assured as he pushed his seat out and stood up. “But I know when I’m not wanted.”
“You can stay, just let me get on with my work. Don’t you have your own to do?”
“Work? Don’t know her.”
“You’re a nightmare, sometimes.”
While he was waiting for Kyle to bring him information, he had his own work to be doing. If he was going to figure out how far Tweek had to go as far as wooing his friend went, he needed to get a better handle on what their relationship looked like now.
He was going to stalk them. It – there was no ‘nice’ way of putting it, he was just going to spy on them.
--
Over the next two days, he kept a close eye on the friendship of Tweek and Craig. Every class he had with them he spent subtly watching them interact while he pretended to do his work, and classes he shared with just Craig he watched how the boy interacted with people who weren’t Tweek. Because to figure out how Craig felt, he needed to see if there was a difference.
Tucker wasn’t easy to read, which really didn’t surprise him. If there was one thing he did notice, it was that there was the fraction of a difference to how Craig treat Tweek. What it meant? He wasn’t entirely sure yet.
Craig always seemed visibly annoyed by Clyde, in a very affectionate way, especially when Clyde and Tweek were interacting. The pair of them spiralled off on tangents with all the energy in the world between them, while Craig watched on. Kenny had to admit, it was tiring just watching them from a distance, never mind close up.
One thing he did notice was that Craig and Tweek seemed to gravitate together. He wasn’t sure if it was Craig responding to how Tweek would seek him out, but they were a little closer to each other than the others in their little group. A little like a protective shroud to either stop Tweek getting upset, or to stop him doing something he’d regret.
Kenny had always expected Token to be the mom friend of their group, but it seemed often that it was Craig trying to corral a bunch of kids together than Token, who watched on and laughed.
He texted Tweek near the end of the day, requesting that they meet up. The response was pretty quick, and he could imagine the reluctant face that Tweek must’ve pulled when he agreed.
They decided to meet out back of the school. By the time Kenny arrived, Tweek was already there, foot bouncing and hands twisting the strap of his messenger bag as he waited. Kenny barely got within a few feet of him before Tweek launched into a speech.
“I spent all day feeling like someone was just around the corner and the only person who was there all day was you, and then Clyde said it was probably all in my head but then you asked to meet up and it just seems a little suspicious that-?”
“It was me, yeah.”
Tweek threw his hands in the air. “What the fuck?!”
“I needed to get a feel for you and Craig.”
“Shh!” he hissed, rushing towards Kenny as he pressed a finger to his lips. “Don’t talk so loud!”
“Dude, you’re talking louder than me.”
Tweek looked ready to pull his hair out.
“It doesn’t matter, we’re here to talk about our plan.”
“Ugh, fine,” Tweek shuffled his weight from foot to foot as he folded his arms across his chest. “What’s your grand master plan then?”
“So glad you asked. As you know, I’ve been watching you two closely today-?”
“I can’t believe you stalked me.”
“-And I wanted to just check a few things with you, to figure out where you think you stand.”
Tweek furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
“Well, for starters, who’s Craig closest to in your little group?”
“Clyde.”
He had no hesitation on his face as he answered.
“It’s Clyde.”
“Alright,” Kenny nodded and moved on. “And what about you, when you’re upset, who comes to you first?”
He shrugged. “Whoever’s closest, I guess. I dunno, I feel like they take it in turns. I get anxious easily. I’m a lot to handle.”
“Dude, you’re so blind.”
Tweek gave a bark of protest.
“What I saw,” Kenny started. “Was that Craig is nearly always the one who calms you down.”
Tweek snapped his mouth shut.
“I don’t know if it’s just that he’s better at it than everyone else because, well,” Kenny gave a sly grin. “You might respond to him better.”
“Fuck you.”
“But I also think he’s closer to you than Clyde.”
“They hang out all the time!” Tweek argued. “Whenever they bother me at work, they’re together.”
“Yeah, exactly, at work. He’d probably hang out with you more outside of school if you weren’t working so much.”
Tweek grumbled.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas on how to work on that confidence you clearly lack. Then we can figure out what exactly flirting will look like from Tweek Tweak.”
“I can flirt fine.”
Kenny snorted. “Yeah right. You’re pretty standoffish sometimes, and I think if I told you to go flirt with Craig you’d - yeah, see that face? That’s the face we’ve got to work on.”
Tweek’s nose was scrunched up, lips pulled down as his cheeks began to darken with colour.
“How are you meant to reach the point where he looks at you and thinks, ‘that’s my date for prom’, when you can’t even stomach the thought of flirting with him?”
“I’m having second thoughts.”
“Yeah, that’s like, classic you though, isn’t it?”
“Ugh, you’re an asshole.”
Kenny only grinned in response. “When are you free, next?”
“For what?”
“I’m gonna give you a makeover.”
Tweek gave a long, drawn out groan. “Can I change my mind?”
“No, you already agreed, you have to see this through.”
“Fine, I – I’ll try get an afternoon off work. Don’t bank on it, though.”
Kenny grinned. “Perfect, sounds like a good starting point. We’re making progress already!”
“Whatever. I have work to get to,” Tweek announced. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“I would never.”
Despite Tweek's attitude, Kenny left the conversation feeling like it had been a resounding success.
--
Kyle texted him requesting to meet up, with nothing more than a few words cussing Kenny’s stupid plan. He found Kyle at the park, shooting hoops on his own while he waited for Kenny. The blonde arrived with what he hoped was a charming smile that would lessen some of Kyle’s fury with him.
The ball went wide, and he scrambled to grab it before it went into the sandpit. When he looked up, Kyle was glaring at him. He passed the ball back.
He decided not to try any pleasantries. Kyle really didn’t look like he was in the mood.
“How did it go?”
“Awful?” Kyle spat with a glare. “I can’t believe you convinced me to help you with this.”
“Did you get any juicy info?”
“He’s not interested in anyone.”
Kenny tilted his head. “What, at all?”
“Unless he was lying, which is a possibility,” Kyle pointed out as he bounced the ball against the floor three times before taking a shot. He nailed it. “You way overestimate how much trust he puts in me.”
“My options were limited,” he admitted as he grasped hold of the ball and began dribbling.
“You mentioned. Why not ask Clyde? You two get on.”
“Because I don’t want Craig finding out. I’m doing this for Tweek, it’ll ruin it if Craig figures it out, and Clyde is kind of a blabbermouth.”
Kyle scoffed. “That’s true. So, Tweek asked you to help him?”
“More or less.”
The redhead at least had the grace to let him take – and fail – his shot before grilling him further. “More or less? Did you coerce Tweek into letting you play matchmaker?”
“I didn’t coerce anyone into anything, Tweek was practically begging for help.”
“Why, was he drunk?”
It was said as a joke, but Kenny’s complete silence as Kyle shot the ball through the net kind of gave him away.
“Oh my god,” Kyle turned to him with furrowed brows. “Dude, you totally coerced him into it.”
“You don’t get it Kyle, because you don’t have human emotions, but-?”
Kyle gave an annoyed groan.
“-Tweek was hopeless, I couldn’t just abandon him. I’m a good friend, I help people when they need help, even if they would rather pretend their problems don’t exist.”
Kyle huffed out as he swiped the ball from Kenny, holding it in his hands. “Why do you have to drag me into it?”
“I told you, my options were limited.”
“Fine. Well, I found out your info for you. No interests, no crushes, no dates.”
“That makes things a little easier in some ways, I guess,” Kenny mused. “Part of me was hoping you’d come back with Tweek being the answer, but I guess that would make things boring.”
“You’re welcome, by the way.”
“Thanks, but I’m not done with you yet.”
Kyle looked horrified.
“Now that you’ve planted the seed that it’s something he can talk to you about, you gotta let me know if he mentions anything.”
“Me making casual enquiries about his love life isn’t putting seeds anywhere!” Kyle argued. “If anything it probably put him off, considering how not casual they were.”
“That sounds like a failing on your part.”
“You think I’m used to doing this kind of shit, I didn’t know how to ask!”
Kenny bit back his smile as he asked his next question. “How did you ask?”
Kyle’s jaw snapped shut fast enough that it clacked.
“C’mon, Kyle, buddy. What did you say?”
“I...” Kyle shrugged his shoulders. “I just said about how, Wendy wasn’t there cause she was with the student council discussing prom, and was he planning on asking anyone?”
“That’s not as bad as I was picturing, actually.”
Kyle glared as he tossed the ball into Kenny’s chest. Hard.
“Ow!”
“Take your fucking shot.”
He did as he was told before he started their next conversation. “So, do you have plans to ask anyone to the dance?”
“No, and I don’t need your help. I’ll let Tweek suffer through that on his own.”
“Oh, come on! I’m not that bad! And I wasn’t planning on offering.”
“I don’t want to risk it.”
“You’re such a grumpy fuck.”
His next half hour was spent on the court with Kyle, their conversation leaving the topic of Tweek and Craig and dates to the dance and instead turned to annoying things their siblings had done, or extra work that Kyle had been given from his teachers who expected far too much from him, or how Kenny had been asked to cover extra shifts at City Wok again, and he was sick of coming home smelling of Chinese food.
They continued even when Kenny had decided he’d excised enough, lying down on the ground in the middle of the court claiming to be an extra obstacle to make it harder for the redhead to score, to which Kyle rolled his eyes. They continued until the sun began to set.
Hanging out with Kyle wasn’t unusual now that Stan lived so far out of town, especially as usually his visits into town involved spending some time with Marjorine. Not to mention Cartman’s growing list of extracurricular activities that kept him out of trouble left Kenny with few people to spend time with.
On his way home his phone buzzed with a message, opening it to see one from the very blonde that had been taking up what little free time he had left. He smiled as he opened it and read the contents, confirming a date for his dreaded make-over.
Tomorrow after school. Text when you arrive don’t knock.