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The sky was almost red.
Langa stared at the setting sun in the distance. A small gust of wind hit his face gently, and he closed his eyes for a split second.
The ache was still there.
Ruthless and unmoving and stone-like.
It had been a week. A week since the last time he had spoken to Reki – an exchange the effects of which were still very happening and present.
Almost exactly at the moment Reki walked away that rainy night, Langa was hit by the ginormous wave of realization – the implications of his own words which he failed to perceive when he had uttered them. But Adam is an amazing skater.
God, he so wished he could slap himself in that moment and never say those words to Reki.
Of course, he knew – Adam was a despicable man to say the least. The way he had treated Reki had served as the base for his main motivation to skate against Adam and defeat him. But after he skated against that maniac, though he loathed him thoroughly, he couldn’t shake off the familiar feeling coursing through his veins.
It felt all too similar to a thrill he had experienced before – when he snowboarded with his father back in Canada.
Reki’s face had softened when he had mentioned his father, he recalled. But soon it shifted to an admission of defeat, of despair, that tore Langa’s heart apart right there.
Asking Reki to acknowledge the skills in a sport – particularly skating, something that Reki adored above all – of Adam, was like asking the victim of a perpetrator to look behind the latter’s offence and objectively acknowledge something positive about them.
When the heavy implications of his own words hit Langa, he felt nauseous and sick. But his feet were as if tied to the wet ground, they wouldn’t move. His heart dropped when he saw Reki turning away from him, but his fucking body just wouldn’t move. He should’ve run after him. He should’ve made things better.
A week later, his conflict of should-haves had only intensified; with every passing day that he let Reki go though he wanted the very contrary of it, he was building up a wall between them slowly reaching the point of impenetrability.
He was bringing grocery from the store back home. He was on his skateboard. The skateboard that Reki had designed only for him.
It was getting dark.
Absent-mindedly, he wondered what Reki would be doing, where he was. Reki had lived in Okinawa all his life and he had probably known his classmates for just as long. Still, since Langa arrived in the city and into Reki’s life, he didn’t seem to spend much time outside of school with anyone other than the skyblue-haired skater. Langa wondered with a pang whether Reki was out with any of his other friends, laughing and sharing drinks and...unbothered by Langa’s absence.
Whether the redhead had already moved past everything the two of them had shared in such a short span of time.
Fuck, it hurt. It hurt so much.
Langa had probably been looking the other way, because suddenly he bumped onto someone hard and rolled down the slanting, grassy terrain. “I’m so sor –”
“Sorry –”
“Reki?”
The redhead was staring down at him, slightly flustered at this abrupt confrontation. However, his expression changed to stone very quickly as he grabbed his skateboard and turned around to make his way back. Instinctively, Langa clutched the wrist of Reki’s free left hand while was still seated on the grass.
Langa was immediately reminded of that night once more – and how Reki had wrung his hand free of Langa’s grip. He was half expecting him to do the same again.
But Reki stayed. Turned away from him, sure, but he was there.
“Reki,” Langa said in a small voice. His heart was racing. He was not good with words, had never been. He didn’t know where to begin. What the right things to say were. All he knew was that he loved Reki and he wanted him back in his life.
God, he was in love with him, wasn’t he? Somehow the realization wasn’t something of a shock, but more of something that made sense of things.
“What is it, Langa?” Reki asked.
“I’m sorry, Reki,” Langa muttered. Then, with more emphasis, “I’m really sorry. Please.”
“I already told you to not apologize,” Reki said, and he just sounded tired, which was way worse than him being expressively angry or upset. It was almost as if he had given up on Langa. “Let me go, Langa.”
Let me go, Langa.
“No,” Langa almost immediately said, without a second thought. “No, not without trying first.” Reki turned to look at him, sighing deeply.
“There’s nothing to try here,” Reki said, crouching down before Langa. Reki’s face turned soft, but it was mostly still sad, and he shook his head as if he had gone over everything in his mind already. Then, biting his lip, he said, “I get it. It’s not your fault.”
“But it is my fault,” Langa insistently said. Now he was confused. What was Reki saying?
“Langa, I’m glad that I was the one who taught you how to skateboard,” Reki said, sitting down in front of the other boy. The corner of his lips twisted in a way that Langa recognised as Reki forcibly trudging past his conflicting emotions. “But you’re – you’re basically a prodigy. You know what Miya and Cherry were saying the other day at S? That you can probably compete on the national level.”
“And are you not happy with that?” Langa asked, his voice almost a whisper. His throat felt dry.
“Of course I’m happy,” Reki supplied, smiling. But it was a sad smile. “I’m the happiest. I’m the one who taught you how to stand on that goddamn board after all.”
“...but?”
Reki sighed again, jaws set hard. “I’m not a prodigy, Langa. I love skating more than anything else in the world, but I’m not you. I never will be. So...” Reki swallowed, shutting his eyes close. Then, he let out a bitter sound of laugh and said, “You can say what I’m doing is some sort of twisted defence mechanism. Being as good as you are, you’re bound to leave me behind at some point. So I’m cutting you off before I let you do that to me.”
Langa’s heart thumped hard and shuddered. Somehow, the fact that Reki seemed so calm and composed and resolute, and not at all a whirlwind of intense emotions that Langa had expected, was more unsettling than relieving. He began to panic.
“Reki...” he was sure his voice was wobbling at the edges. “You know I will never leave you.”
“Do I?” Reki flashed that sad smile again, and Langa wanted to cry.
“Yes, you do,” Langa desperately said, leaning towards Reki and clutching onto his hands tight. “I can never leave you, Reki. You have to know that. You have to believe that.”
Silence. Reki looked to the other side wordlessly, lips pressed together. Just how deep a wound had Langa inflicted on the boy? “Reki, please, look at me,” Langa pleaded, cupping the redhead’s face gently.
“Reki, I’m so sorry for what I said the other night,” Langa began, holding onto Reki’s clammy hands for dear life. “About Adam...and asking you to recognise him as a good skater...I wasn’t – I wasn’t thinking. It was cruel of me to say that, insensitive and inconsiderate. He literally fucking injured you to the point of hospitalization; of course you can’t look past those actions. And you shouldn’t. Fuck, I’m so sorry for that.”
“Yes it was,” Reki slowly said, brows creasing together. “It was extremely insensitive of you to say that. And you acknowledging his skills also felt like a blow of betrayal...but I understand. For the absolute piece of trash that Adam is, he is a genius skater. Of course, it makes sense that skating with him is what you desire.”
Though he was saying those words mostly in a very understanding manner, there was a sting to it – and the very fact that Reki was intentionally hiding the sting of his words was infinitely worrying.
It was as if he had worked everything out in his head and nothing Langa said anymore would make any difference.
“I’m sorry for breaking our promise,” Langa miserably said. “I was only doing it for the thrill it gave me – the thrill I’ve not had since...my father...”
“Hey,” Reki softly said, caressing Langa’s face softly. “I know. You don’t have to apologize for it.” As Reki’s hand detached from his face, his heart suddenly seized up in his chest.
“Stop it!” A broken whimper tore out of Langa. “Stop doing that...stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like –like...” Langa frantically searched for the words. “Like nothing I say will change anything. Like you’ve made up your mind to the point of no-return.”
Reki opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. “I...have.”
“But I’m trying,” Langa squeezed his eyes. “I don’t want you to go. I want us to be the way we were. I know I hurt you, but won’t you even let me mend it?”
“It won’t do any good.”
“Stop being like this!” Langa was breathing hard, and he was sure Reki’s hands had nail marks on them at that point. “Don’t you – don’t you want me as much as I want you? Did you already get over everything we’ve shared together?” As he uttered those words, his heart sank to his feet and his grip on Reki’s hands loosened.
This time, Reki clasped Langa’s hand tightly again, and said, “Don’t even. Don’t even for a second think that. That is the farthest thing from the truth.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Langa begged, resting his head against Reki’s chest. “Please tell me.”
“I know you think you won’t leave me behind even though your talents are flourishing beyond measure...but,” Reki gulped hard, muttering a small chikuso under his breath. “But that’s not how the real world works, Langa. You will leave me behind and you won’t even realise it until much later. But I will. I will know. I will notice every small detail of you slowly drifting away and I...will be helpless against it.”
A cool breeze blew between them as Reki held Langa to his chest in silence. Langa didn’t utter a word after what Reki said either. Their hands were still intertwined in place.
Langa’s shoulders began to shake gently and his fingers curled tightly around Reki’s own. “Langa?” Reki asked, his hands travelling to Langa’s skyblue hair. His face was still pressed against Reki’s chest and he couldn’t see it. “Langa, look at me,” Reki, with a little force, raised the Canadian’s face. Langa was weeping.
“Langa,” Reki softly uttered his name again. “Hey, what is it?”
“You don’t get it,” Langa lowly said, wiping his tears with his elbow. “You don’t get it at all.”
“What do I not get?”
“Reki, I would never leave you,” Langa said, voice shaking. “I could never. You don’t get it because you don’t...trust that. Don’t trust me. Skating with Adam is thrilling, true, but for me, it’s mostly my competitive streak coming to the forefront. But skating with you, Reki, is completely different. Skating with you is fun. It’s exciting. It’s our little world, our little language. It’s our very own promise. It’s knowing that we have each other’s back always. It’s finding comfort in the other’s presence. It’s like coming home. You feel like coming home to me, Reki.”
Reki looked like he had just witnessed something unbelievable happen before his very eyes. “Langa...”
“And Reki?” Langa said, heart in his throat. If he was going all out, he was going to go all the way. “I love you. Like, I’m in love with you. Not that it matters, but...”
Suddenly, Langa was being pushed back and if he hadn’t reacted in time, he would’ve probably fallen flat on his back.
And Reki...Reki was kissing him.
In his fit of surprise, he pulled back and gasped, looking at Reki with shocked eyes. “What...what –”
“What, I thought people who are in love with each other like to kiss,” Reki said, his eyes shining with a beautiful light for the first time in what felt like so long. “Unless you’re not into that stuff, which by the way, I’m totally cool with –”
Who are in love with each other.
So Reki loved him, too? Just as much?
Langa smashed his lips against Reki’s already parted ones, hands travelling down to his waist. It was messy, to say the least, not at all the perfect synchronisation and musical way that kisses seem to work in books and movies. Langa didn’t know how exactly to move his lips so he kissed him everywhere, and by the looks of it, Reki wasn’t doing any better. One of Reki’s hands was wound around Langa’s neck, and the other was awkwardly clutching at his hair. No, there was no music to accompany them kissing, but the loud hammering of their hearts echoing between them felt enough, more than enough. Reki laughed softly in between, and yes, Langa loved the thrill of skateboarding, but he was sure that nothing could ever compare to that.
It made his heart flutter and combust in way he could never get used to.
“So you love me, too?” Langa asked, a shy blush creeping up his cheeks.
Reki brushed his nose, chuckling tenderly. “Would I kiss you if I didn’t?” To that, Langa’s blush deepened but it was quickly followed up by the blue-haired boy pouting and nuzzling his face against Reki’s neck with a low, childish whine.
“Alright, fine, I’ll say it,” Reki raised Langa’s face so he was now looking at the redhead, as he said, “Langa, I love you. I have for a while now.”
Reki flashed a toothy smile to hide his own darkening blush. The look in Langa’s eyes was one of wonder and giddiness and Reki just wanted to keep kissing him till they ran out of breath. The sun was down. It was dark. They kissed and they laughed, and they laughed and they kissed, and neither knew what to do beyond the discovery of this newfound high of loving and being loved.
“But Reki,” Langa said, after they had bitten on each other’s lips so many times that they were essentially two blobs of redness. “About what I was saying earlier...if you don’t trust me enough...I don’t know what to do. I’m powerless against it.”
“No,” Reki said this time, grinning. “No. I do trust you, it’s not that I don’t, or didn’t. I was just scared – shitscared of being hurt, Langa. I was protecting myself from it, by resigning to something I don’t want – for you to go – but I told myself to suck it up and deal with it. Told myself that since you’re on a whole different level, it would be selfish of me to hold onto you – to keep you away from completely immersing in it just because I can’t do it. Fuck, Langa, it hurt like a bitch because I love you so much but I felt like the sooner I made peace with this reality, the better it would be for both of us.”
“You’re wrong,” Langa said.
“Yes, perhaps –”
“No, I mean,” Langa interjected, eyes serious and full of conviction. “I’m not denying that I have talent – maybe a substantial amount of it – but I have snowboarded all my life, Reki. I know what it looks like – a guy who’s never been on a skateboard suddenly picked it up in lightening fast speed and is now acing it – but it’s mostly because I’m constantly combining my already honed moves into this new sport. I’m not saying that’s an easy task, but then neither is building a personalised board catering to my exact needs, Reki. What you’ve done is genius, too, and without this board, I wouldn’t be where I am. That’s where you’re wrong. Because you’re continuously downplaying yourself. The way I look at it, you’re fucking amazing, and it’s time you started owning up to it.”
“You really think so?” Reki’s eyes gleamed, shone so bright that Langa’s heart warmed.
“I know so,” Langa sincerely said. “Because it’s the truth.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Reki said, nervously biting his lower lip. “I fell too deep into a blackhole of insecurities and was only set upon protecting myself from getting hurt any further. But now...I believe you. I’m not scared of you leaving anymore. I’m sorry that my fear overshadowed everything else.”
“And for the record,” Langa said, leaning in so that their foreheads were touching. He closed his eyes. “I’m just as terrified of you leaving. So please, if we ever face any obstacle, big or small, in the future, promise me you’ll be willing to work it through with me before jumping to your own conclusions and distancing yourself from me.” Letting out a wobbly chuckle, he added, “That was not very nice.”
Reki smiled big, eyes swimming with fondness. He captured Langa’s lips with his own and caressed the latter’s cheeks gently. “I promise.”