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Kim Taehyung is not a boy.
Kim Taehyung is not a boy.
Kim Taehyung is not a boy.
He brings his fist up to the mirror, tracing his reflection, and lies over and over again.
Because he's lying, he's got to be fucking lying to himself, look right there. Look at him. That's what a boy looks like. That's what Kim-Fucking-Taehyung looks like, so he's fucking kidding himself if he thinks that he could ever be anything else, right? The proof is right there.
His chest hurts. His throat is ragged, from holding back screams. His head hurts.
Existing hurts.
He isn't even sure he's existing anymore. There's Kim Taehyung, and then there's Kim Taehyung, and the latter makes him want to throw up, because it's the persona that everyone else sees him as.
(And everyone else sees you as a boy, a man, so just accept it, okay?)
He can't accept it because it's not right, and it never has been. It's just that now that it's on such a large scale, he doesn't know how to suppress it anymore.
"Taehyung?"
Namjoon's voice comes from outside the bathroom door and Taehyung jolts, pushing the thoughts away for later. His arms fall to his sides, wincing at the stinging in his fingers. He pushes his hair back over his eyes, because maybe it will hide the tears. "Yeah?"
"You've been in there awhile. You okay?"
Taehyung twists the knob open, masking the frown on his face from before. "Yeah, of course. Don't worry."
(All that sentence does is make Namjoon worried, fuck!)
Namjoon is leaning on the wall across the hallway, eyes trained on him. "Tae—" He begins, just to be cut off by Jungkook rounding the corner.
Jungkook's eyes are bright. "Oh good, Tae's finally out of the bathroom. He takes forever." He nudges past Taehyung, not noticing how the older has frozen in place.
(He...)
Namjoon doesn't notice the way Taehyung has frozen at the simple word, and tries again. "Taehyung?"
"I'm good, Namjoon." It's scary how easily Taehyung morphs his face back into a smile. "I'm going to go see what Yoongi's up to."
Taehyung does not go see what Yoongi is up to. He doesn't even know where Yoongi is, first of all, so that puts a small dent in the plan. And in all honesty, seeing Yoongi wasn't part of the plan at all. Not that he had much of a plan, because surely him curled up in his bed staring at the ceiling isn't a plan.
(He. He. He.)
Jungkook's words make him want to throw up. The bile is already in the back of his throat and he tries his best to swallow it down but it comes bubbling back up.
(He was talking to you. Kim Taehyung. Kim Taehyung is a he.)
He throws one of his pillows across the room. He can't explain why his stomach feels so sick, why suddenly the simple fucking pronoun is killing him, it's killing him, he's going to die right here.
It's not like he likes being called it, even on most days. It's uncomfortable at best. Embarrassing at worst. It doesn't fit. It isn't him. But that's what boys are called, so he needs to shut up, and stop whining about it.
God, pronouns are so fucking stupid.
It's stupid that the word "he" feels like a knife to his throat, pinning him to this expectation of something he could never be.
Maybe Taehyung isn't a boy.
(Maybe Taehyung doesn't deserve to be alive)
Taehyung starts to tune out whenever people call him "he". It's difficult at first, and it hurts, it still hurts, it hurts in his chest, it feels like one of his organs is out of place. But the alternative is breaking down and explaining to the other members that he's wrong, that something as simple as his gender is wrong.
So he swallows down the tears that threaten to spill over and digs his nails into his skin instead.
It hurts, but it's a different way then people calling him "he", and he thinks that he might actually like this way better. It leaves a little crescent-shaped mark in his palm, too, which he kind of likes in a weird way, so he finds a new way to cope with being wrong.
He leaves a mark for every "he" he gets called. It doesn't take long for his palms to grow rough, red dents scattered throughout.
He does it while Yoongi's talking about Dynamite, specifically his part in Dynamite, and he digs his nails in a little harder than the last time he did it.
"Tae?"
Hoseok's eyes are on his hands. "What are you doing?" He whispers.
Taehyung digs his nails in further and doesn't look at Hoseok, even when the man places a hand over his.
He tries again: "Tae?"
Hoseok's hands are warm over his.
"You feeling okay?"
Taehyung nods. He feels dizzy. Maybe Hoseok hasn't noticed that his hands are bleeding. Maybe he won't ever notice. Maybe this can be his dirty little secret that he takes to the grave, just like the secret of his own fucking identity.
Hoseok tugs at his hand gently. "Come on, I'll bandage your hand."
Maybe he fucking hates Hoseok.
The thing is, he can't hate Hoseok, as hard as he tries.
Not even when the rapper is shoving his hands under the bathroom faucet, damn near giving him hypothermia from how cold the water is. He wants to ask Hoseok to change the water temperature, but he doesn't want to speak at all, so he doesn't.
Once they're cleaned and dried, Hoseok comes at him with gauze, wrapping it from around his wrist to in between his fingers. It feels unnecessary. He opens his mouth to protest, but Hoseok shoots him down immediately:
"You could get an infection."
When he's done, his hands linger over Taehyung's.
"Why?"
He doesn't know.
Doesn't know why the fuck Hoseok is in the bathroom with him, helping him. What did he do to deserve this?
Why the fuck is he making himself bleed over a stupid fucking pronoun?
"It was an accident." He mumbles.
But maybe the true accident was just Taehyung being born. Because surely he wasn't meant to be born into this body that he doesn't want. It doesn't make sense. It's wrong, and the more he focuses on it, the longer he looks in the mirror, he doesn't even recognize the person staring back at him.
There's a word for it.
He read it online, in a mass of comments on videos, because it seemed to be something that a good portion of ARMYs were struggling with, so he googled it out of curiosity.
Dysphoria.
A state of feeling uneasy, unhappy, or unwell.
That's the general definition of it, but when put in conjunction with gender, as it often is, it describes Taehyung perfectly.
He is uneasy and unhappy at the idea of him being a boy.
It's not like this is anything new to him. Of course he doesn't want to be a boy— He's accepted that by now. It's just that he doesn't know that there's any alternative.
It's what he finds when he digs deeper that surprises him. That there's people like this. He isn't the only one. There's tons of people out there, with dysphoria, dealing with it. They're not something talked about much in Korea, but they're out there.
He learns what transitioning is.
He learns what it means to be a trans woman, and it fits, a tiny bit, but not all the way. Taehyung isn't a boy, but he doesn't think he's a girl either. He isn't either, he's somewhere in between and also somewhere far off the map entirely.
Just as he's about to start spiraling again, thinking about how wrong he is, he sees a link on being nonbinary. He doesn't even realize he's clicked on it until the page loads.
It fits.
It is only a text block of 237 words, but it is Taehyung. It is absolutely Taehyung.
It's them.
"Taehyung?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you looking at?"
Taehyung slams the laptop shut, their fingers slippery with sweat. They don't meet Yoongi's eyes.
"Porn."
The euphoria from discovering the website doesn't last very long.
Sure, it helps, it quiets the voice in their head that is still trying to tell them how wrong they are, and that they're faking it. But all that is in Taehyung's head, and it does fuck all to fix the dysphoria brought on by other people, by his bandmates, by ARMYs, who don't know that simply referring to them incorrectly hurts. Because how are they to know that it's incorrect? It doesn't fix how much their body still looks like a boy.
They could tell the members.
They could.
Or, Taehyung could keep their mouth shut, because everyone else surely has better things to worry about.
"Taehyung?"
"Mm?" They lock their phone and looks up at Seokjin. "What's up?"
"You've been avoiding us." Seokjin sits down next to them, sinking into the cushion, and that's when Taehyung knows that this is serious, that they've caused genuine worry.
"No I haven't been."
(Yes they have been, because they're terrified that all people see when they look at them is boy.)
"Taehyung."
"I'm fine. Just a little tired lately."
Their fingernails are back in their palms, straining to press against the skin, pushing aside the gauze that's still there. If Seokjin notices it, he doesn't say anything. Instead, he says, "Do you want to talk about anything?"
(Yes.)
"No." Taehyung knits their brows together. "It's all good. Trust me."
"Namjoon...?"
Two weeks later, Taehyung summons the courage to ask the leader about something. They're alone in the studio, Taehyung having just finished up some vocals for the newest album. They hates how the songs have turned out, but they doesn't say anything about it, because what they hate is that they sound like a boy, and there's no way to tell the producers that without letting loose everything he's been trying to keep secret.
"Yeah?" Immediately Namjoon has turned away from the lyrics he was looking at, focusing all of his attention on Taehyung, eyes wide. He always pays attention like this, never wanting to miss a word anyone says, but right now Taehyung loves him for it so much more.
"Have you heard about...um...like gender dysphoria and being uh— Not a girl or boy—" Taehyung is careful to speak quickly but clearly, to force all of his thoughts out before Namjoon responds. "I heard about it, but I thought you might know more about it than I do, and I was just— Ah, I was just wondering."
Namjoon is quiet for a moment, and Taehyung starts to worry.
"You don't— You don't have to tell me, it's stupid, it's not that important—"
"Is it important to you?" Namjoon interrupts.
Taehyung doesn't answer, gnawing on their bottom lip.
"Yeah, I've heard about it. It's normal. Ah— maybe that's not the right word for it, but it's not bad. It's okay. It's okay to be one or the other. It's okay to be neither. It's okay to be whoever you are, Tae."
"Oh." Taehyung swallows, trying not to think about the "you" in the last sentence and the possibility that Namjoon already knows.
"Is there— Is there something you want to—"
Taehyung shakes their head before Namjoon has finished.
Namjoon gives them a long look, eyes narrowing in on them, but he sighs and nods. "It's okay," He repeats.
(And maybe it is okay, but that doesn't make it any less scary)
"What happened to your hand, Tae?"
Jungkook grabs their hand while Taehyung is laying on their couch a few days later, inspecting their palm. The gauze is still there, blood stained and wrinkled.
"Accident."
"What was an accident?" Jungkook's voice grows louder.
Taehyung avoids his eyes. "I was cutting vegetables the other day."
"Since when do you cook?"
"Since when did you ask me so many questions?" They snap, and Jungkook flinches.
Namjoon looks at them from across the room. "Guys..."
Jungkook drops their hand. "At least I don't alienate my friends for weeks on end, when they're obviously worried as fuck about me."
He sounds angry, but when Taehyung tries to look him in the eyes, they think they can see tears. Before they know for sure though, Jungkook has fled the room, and they're left staring at Namjoon, who stares back with a look that is equal parts sorrow and pleading.
Taehyung has to tell someone.
A few days later, they find themself alone in the dorm with Yoongi, and they know they have to do it now before they lose their nerve.
"Yoongi?"
Yoongi is flipping through channels on the TV. He makes a noise that might be "Hmm?"
Taehyung's throat is dry, the words barely forming. He sits down on the couch next to Yoongi, and the rapper sets the remote down and looks at them.
"I'm—" The words get caught in their throat. "I'm nonbinary."
Yoongi keeps looking at them.
"I'm not—" They have to stop again, this time to swallow back tears. "I'm not a boy. Or a girl. I'm not either, and I know it sounds weird as fuck and I'm sorry, but I can't keep going like this."
"It's okay."
It's not okay, it shouldn't be, because Taehyung feels like they've just committed the gravest sin in all eternity, and yet Yoongi is looking at them like they're the most precious thing in the world.
Yoongi's arm is around him, tugging him into a hug, smushing Taehyung's face against his neck. And it's quiet like that for a few seconds, just the sound of Yoongi breathing in his ear, slow and steady. Taehyung thinks they could stay like this forever.
And then Yoongi's breathing speeds up, and he whispers, "Is it bad that I kind of guessed?"
He pulls away to look at Taehyung, and his hands are cupping their face gently.
"You've been...off. For a few weeks now. Like you were trying to fight something off, and it didn't work, and it just made you more miserable trying to deny it." Yoongi pauses, unsure of how to describe it. "I just... I'm not surprised."
Taehyung swallows. "Oh." And suddenly everything's crashing down on him, because if Yoongi could tell, then who else could tell? Did everyone else know before they did? Have they been kidding themself, thinking it was a secret this whole time? If everyone can read them like an open book, then what was the point of hiding in the first place?
Yoongi can see the panic set in. "Shit."
"Does everyone know then?" Taehyung's voice is shaking.
"No!" Yoongi strokes Taehyung's cheek, still cradling their face in his hands. "I don't think they do. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But I think we all could tell that you were struggling with something."
Taehyung's heart rate slows, almost back to normal speed. "Oh."
"Do you...do you want to use they/them pronouns? Those are most common for nonbinary people, right?" Yoongi's eyes are lit up. "Or other ones, sorry, you don't have to use they/them—"
Taehyung cuts him off. "I like they/them."
"Okay," Yoongi is grinning now. "I'm really happy you told me."
At this, Taehyung shakily matches his grin. "Yeah."
"Are you going to tell the other members?"
"I don't know. I guess I have to, now that I've already told you."
"I mean, I would be pretty honored if I was the only one to know." Yoongi smiles before a more serious look settles onto his face. "You should tell them though. They'll want to know."
"I know."
Yoongi pats their back gently. "Good luck."
Taehyung opts for doing it over text.
They send a picture of the nonbinary flag, because it's subtle (kind of). If they back out of it, they can just say the colors are pretty.
Jimin: what the fuck is that.
Jungkook: that is the ugliest shade of yellow i've ever seen
Namjoon: jungkook!! don't be mean to taehyung's art!
Taehyung: ITS NOT MY ART 😭
Jungkook: good, i knew you'd have better drawing skills then that
Hoseok: pretty colors
Yoongi: that's not even art what the fuck are you guys on it's just lines
Taehyung can't tell if Yoongi is being oblivious on purpose or he just has never seen the flag before.
Taehyung: guys where's jin
Jungkook: idk last i saw he was asleep
Namjoon: so anyway, to quote jimin, what the fuck IS that
Hoseok: do u guys want to go out for dinner tonight
Yoongi: shut up hobi taehyung's typing
Taehyung: flag
Namjoon: ?????
Jimin: the canadian flag? i thought it looked familiar
Taehyung: i'm nonbinary
Hoseok: ??????
Namjoon: oh
Yoongi: :)
Jimin: is that what the flag is ??
Jungkook: ohhhhh
The chat is quiet for a few seconds, no one sending anything.
Namjoon: Tae, where are you?
Taehyung: my room
They're left on read but they don't have time to be upset about it, because Hoseok is already hovering in their doorway.
"Hey," He says, crossing the room to sit down on Taehyung's bed.
"Hi." Taehyung's voice is small.
Jungkook and Seokjin follow. "I woke him up for this," Jungkook says, referring to how Seokjin is still rubbing at his eyes groggily.
Namjoon and Jimin are last to enter, followed by Yoongi, who pulls Taehyung into his lap as soon as he sits down.
Taehyung's eyes are wet with tears, almost ready to spill over. Namjoon takes notice of it.
"Nooo, don't cry, Tae, it's okay." He shuffles closer. "We still love you."The rest of them nod in succession.
"I'm still scared."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't feel like..." They pause and correct themself. "...I'm not a girl or a boy. I'm nonbinary, and I really want you guys to stop using he/him pronouns and calling me a guy and stuff. You can still call me Taehyung though."
"Yeah, of course," Hoseok says.
"So what pronouns do you want?" Jungkook asks.
"They/them."
"Okay."
Jimin reaches over and squeezes his hand.
"Did you want to go...public with this?"
Taehyung groans, slumping back against Yoongi. "I wish I could...but I know it's not realistic." They wait to see if anyone will protest, because they're the biggest pop group in the world right now, could something like this really hurt them?
No one protests though, and Taehyung hates it but they know they're right. At least for right now, it has to stay private.Besides, coming out to the members was scary enough. They don't think they could handle the whole world knowing.
Yoongi rests his head on their shoulder and starts humming to calm Taehyung down.
"Taehyung?" Jungkook pipes up.
Everyone turns to look at him.
"Ah...Could you go more in depth about what it feels like...being nonbinary?" Jungkook's eyes are averted, looking at the wall now.
"I don't..." Taehyung stares at the wall too. "Being a guy, what I was born as, feels weird. Like I don't recognize myself sometimes, and I see other people with this body and I don't feel connected to them at all. Like I experience things in a completely different way from them. And it feels like I'm faking it, and whenever I'm dressed like, overly masculine, it feels like a costume. It doesn't feel like me."
Jungkook is gnawing on his bottom lip.
"And I know I'm not a woman, because the idea makes me almost as uncomfortable as the idea of being a man. Not quite as uncomfortable, because it's not something that's been forced upon me my entire life, I don't hate it, but I'm pretty sure it isn't me either. I don't feel like either."
Something dawns on Jungkook then, Taehyung can see it in his eyes, but before he can talk to Jungkook further, Namjoon says something.
"We love you, Tae."
"Thanks." Taehyung's voice sounds dull.
"No—" Namjoon reaches over and grabs their hand. "Really. I'm happy for you."
Taehyung smiles softly and looks back over at Jungkook, who's still trying to say something. He finally gets the words out: "Taehyung?"
"Mmhmm?"
"What if I feel like both?"