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“Mr. Hero, what are you doing?” Ravio’s shrill voice cuts across the room, freezing Link’s hand in mid-air.
“Eating cookies,” Link responds through his final mouthful, brushing crumbs off his tunic thoughtfully. “‘S’all right, isn’t it? I didn’t see a price tag…”
Ravio strides up to the table and swats the hero’s hovering hand away. “You didn’t see it because I forgot to put it up!” He props a sign that reads One (1) Complimentary Cookie Per Customer next to the plate and scolds, “That’s the last cookie! I thought you had the Pendant of Wisdom, not Greed!” His hand reaches hopefully for the lone treat left on the plate, but before he snags the prize, Link curls his arm around the plate and drags it toward himself.
“I know you ate half the batch before you set the rest out,” Link teases.
“You know no such thing,” Ravio retorts, trying to drag the plate back but failing to get a purchase with his fingertips on the slippery rim.
“Let’s play rock paper scissors for it,” Link suggests, keeping a tight hold on his treasure.
Taking a step back from the table, Ravio says, “Everything has to be a competition with you, doesn’t it?”
“This way you get a fair shot at winning,” Link says in a way that sounds both utterly honorable and completely insincere.
“Fine.” Ravio faces Link with a huff, fist brandished in the air between them. Link’s certain Ravio’s sticking his tongue out at him, and he wishes he could knock that silly hat right off his head.
“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”
They both throw scissors. Ravio giggles quietly beneath his mask. Link’s face remains impassive while his shoulders visibly tense.
“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”
This time, they both throw paper. Ravio’s giggling swells into full-blown laughter. Link raises an eyebrow.
They try again and again, their movements matching each other’s so perfectly it’s like watching a pantomime in front of a mirror. By the twentieth tied round, Ravio’s lapsed into silence, and Link’s muscles are so strained he feels like a drawn bowstring.
The rabbit-hooded man speaks up. “It’s obvious this is getting us nowhere.” Link tilts his head to the side, inviting Ravio to keep talking, but keeps his fist raised. He’s not about to let the merchant distract him with his manipulative words. “Why don’t we take this up a notch by dueling with real weapons?”
Link swears he sees the appliqued eyes on Ravio’s hood gleam with mischief. “What’s the catch?” The cowardly man isn’t exactly known for his combat skills. He can’t even smack a spider with a broom.
“There’s no catch!” Ravio says, sounding mildly offended. “Why do you always think there’s a catch? The rules couldn’t be simpler.” He begins to pace back and forth in front of his opponent, a finger held up to count off his points. "One: Three rounds, best two out of three wins. Two: First touch wins, not first blood, or first dismemberment, or first knock-out. First touch." Now it's Link's turn to take offense at the pointed words, but he makes no effort to object, he just frowns and makes a hurry-up motion with his still-fisted hand. "Three: Each person may choose one weapon per round. If the weapon is from your personal stock, fine. If it's an unclaimed item chosen from the shop, then you must pay a rental fee."
"But it's just a game!" Link interrupts, throwing his hands into the air. "How long is this possibly going to take? A few minutes? No way will you last longer than an hour. I'll give it right back!"
Ravio laughs. "I'm not bending my rental rules for you, buddy, even if you're my favorite customer. It's a slippery slope from, 'I'm only using it for a few minutes' to 'Let me borrow that Ice Rod; I'll give it back after I freeze all the lava in Turtle Town', or whatever that place is called." He tugs on the end of his scarf and bounces in place. "What's more is, my income can't take the hit!"
Link groans. It always comes down to Rupees with this one, but he accepts the terms of the game with a firm handshake, leaving Ravio massaging his knuckles.
They stand and face each other from opposite sides of the large front room. Link has decided to stick with his trusty Master Sword, and Ravio has chosen the hammer. The cookie holds the place of honor at the back of the room, where both combatants can see it. The duel begins.
Link comes in low and fast, hoping to overwhelm Ravio with his aggression. It works, but not in the way he wants it to. Ravio screams and bolts diagonally across the room, swinging the hammer wildly as he runs. It's unexpected enough to make Link jump back, but Ravio can't take advantage of it, since he's decided to stay as far away from the swordsman as possible.
Link charges again, and Ravio darts away, safe for the moment thanks to his fleet feet. They perform this dance for several more minutes before Link realizes he's got to change his approach if he wants to win the round. Squaring his shoulders, he runs towards his opponent, sword up and held close to his chest. Predictably, Ravio flees, and when he's still reasonably close, Link swerves, crouches, and sweeps the ground with his sword. The blade flashes under the frenzied swing of the hammer and taps Ravio on the ankle with the flat of it as gently as he can. He's learned a lot about sword fighting during his recent adventures, though he's never imagined he'd be using his skills in a duel with his roommate over the last cookie.
"Ha! First touch!" he cries. Ravio skids to a stop, rests the hammer on his shoulder, and rubs at his ankle over the layers of robe and boot.
"You got me, buddy.” There’s a pout in his voice that disappears when he stands. “Now try to do it again."
They move back to their starting positions, keeping the same weapons for round two. Now that they've seen each other's fighting styles, they start to adapt. Link moves faster and more unpredictably as he chases Ravio around the house, although he knows he'll never be as fast as the man in the rabbit costume. It should have been obvious, he thinks as he watches the long purple ears bobbing just out of reach.
Ravio grows more confident with his oversized hammer. He aims it toward his opponent instead of using it for zone defense. This is how he finally manages to score his point, and breaks Link's elbow in the process.
"I thought we agreed NOT to kill each other!" Link moans from the ground, curled in a ball, cradling his arm.
"If you had let me eat the cookie, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Ravio replies, setting the hammer on a table and hurrying over to the fallen hero. Kneeling, he rummages around in his robe and removes a small bottle from a hidden pocket. "Here, drink this potion and you'll be good to go for the tie-breaker!"
Link eyes the bottle suspiciously through his pain. "How much does it cost?"
The ears on Ravio's hood jump in surprise. "Are you questioning my motives? I hurt you and I'm trying to apologize!" Link remains motionless on the floor, gaze fixed on the rabbit hood's exaggerated features. "Do I really have to spell it out for you? It's free," Ravio huffs, thrusting the potion at him. Apparently satisfied, Link swipes the bottle from Ravio's hand. "But if you're feeling generous, I'll trade it for that cookie over there!"
"Nope," says Link, and downs the potion.
The third and final round begins. They're not just fighting over a cookie any more. They fight for respect, for honor, for consideration, for the restoration of the unspoken rules of the household. Ravio has ditched the hammer for the hook shot; Link sticks with his tried-and-true sword. Their movements are frantic, hurried; they hunger for the sweet taste of victory.
Ravio's new weapon requires a new strategy for both wielder and defender. It has a long range of attack, which benefits the cowardly merchant, who still hesitates to get close to the Hylian hero. Link rolls and leaps away from the grasping claw, feeling every cookie in his stomach jump along with him. When the hook shot's chain retracts, Ravio is vulnerable, leaving him with one option: Run away fast. But he's been doing that for so long, he's running out of energy.
Ravio's labored breathing echoes in his hood, but it's not loud enough to block the sound of Link's voice as he taunts him from across the room.
"That cookie's looking pretty tasty, isn't it? Too bad I'll be the one eating it!"
"What kind of hero eats the last cookie?" Ravio replies, tracking Link across the rug and firing the hook shot at where he thinks he's going to be. Link pivots with unearthly grace and runs in toward Ravio. Fortunately, Ravio's given himself plenty of space to escape.
Link backs away. Is he calculating his next move? Is he tired? Ravio doesn't know. Link says, "That's one of the benefits about being a hero. Getting to eat the last cookie!" He charges forward again, but his gait is uneven. He's getting tired, too.
In a last-ditch effort to catch Link off-guard, Ravio says, "I'll let you look in my Rupee bag if you give up now!"
Link knows Ravio’s lying, but he makes the mistake of wondering just for a moment what’s in that mysterious bag. His sword drifts to the side, leaving himself wide open. Ravio aims none-too-carefully in his haste to claim his point, and sends the hook flying, hitting and latching onto the legendary sword.
Ravio whoops with glee, but the fight isn't over yet. Link twists his wrist, wrapping the chain around his blade for extra leverage, and pulls. He yanks so hard, the hook shot flies right out of Ravio's hands and rips the sword from his own grip as well. Both weapons land across the room in a noisy tangle of sharp-edged metal.
They look at each other and shrug, identical grins splitting their faces.
"I'm not playing tag with you," Link says.
Ravio nods. He didn’t make a rule for unarmed combat. Something tells him they'll end up in another stalemate no matter what game they play. He says, "We should just—"
"—split the cookie," Link finishes.
They turn toward the back of the house, rivalry forgotten, ready to share the spoils. Their gazes are drawn to the plate on the table, where the cookie has been waiting for the victor to claim it.
The cookie is gone.
Sheerow perches in its place, pecking contentedly at a few remaining crumbs.
Link stares at the barren plate and grumbles, "Isn't he trained? He should have retrieved your hook shot instead!” In all the chaos of the duel, neither of them has kept track of the merchant's animal companion, and this small oversight has cost them their reward.
Ravio collapses to the floor, overcome with laughter.
The next time Link visits the shop, there's a whole cookie buffet spread out on the back table. He's careful to read the signs placed next to each plate — Customers, Mr. Hero, Staff, Sheerow — before he takes one off the Mr. Hero plate, then doubles back and takes one from the Customer plate for good measure. All the rest of the Mr. Hero cookies get swept into his adventure bag. Being a hero does have its perks, after all.