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Okay, okay, come on Harry, you’re okay, just breathe. Everything was too much, too loud, too bright, just too overwhelming. I shook my hands in front of me, biting my lip as I slid down the wall. I was in what seemed to be a small, empty cupboard. I let out my habitual sounds I always made when things got too much- two ‘Brr’s, two ‘Choo’s and then three whistles in a row, two short and one long, repeated until I could think properly again- but it didn’t seem to help. Screwing my eyes closed tightly, I slammed the heels of my hands together as hard as I could over and over until I could feel the skin start to bruise, but even that wasn’t helping for once. I could feel tears start to push out of the scrunched-up corners of my eyes and smacked both hands to the sides of my head, rocking back and forth as I tried to breathe as evenly as I could whilst digging my teeth into my lower lip harshly. I could still hear the overwhelming noise breaking through the flimsy door, but the idea of having to cast a silencing charm and listen to the buzzing magic sounded even worse than having to deal with the noise. I pulled my sweater down over my knees and the sleeves over my hands, pressing my face into the soft yarn and clamping my hands over my ears, continuing to rock back and forth and repeating my sounds again. The tears were finally slowing when I heard the door creak open. Please be Hermione or Ron, please be Hermione or Ron, please be….
“Potter?” Shit. I looked up, right into the angular, handsome face of Draco Malfoy. Of fucking course, of all people to find me like this, it had to be him. We’d not been antagonizing one another this year, and so I wasn’t too worried about him taking the piss, but it was definitely embarrassing to have my crush-slash-ex-rival walk in on me like this. “Are you okay?” I almost laughed- I knew what I must look like, tear-streaks down my face, my hair even wilder than normal, still rocking back and forth with my hands clapped tightly over my ears. I just shrugged. “What’s wrong?” The blond dropped to the floor on my right side, depositing his bag to his left and pulling his long, slender legs up to his chest.
Fuck it. “’S just… too much.” Draco nodded as if this made perfect sense, which wasn’t a reaction anything like Hermione or Ron’s when I’d said a similar thing to them. His silvery eyes flicked up to my hands and he grabbed his bag, unzipping it and taking out what looked like muggle headphones, much to my confusion, and he tapped his wand to them briefly before holding them out to me.
I looked at him in confusion and he smiled slightly. “Put them on.” I nodded and reached out with a shaky hand, slipping them on. I was shocked when everything went completely silent. Instantly, I started feeling calmer, although still not great.
“What?” My voice was uneven and croaky, and I couldn’t figure out how to articulate what I wanted to ask…. What are these? Where did you get them? Can I get some? How do they work?
I was somewhat surprised by how clearly Draco’s voice came through the silence. “They’re muggle ear defenders, but I added a series of charms that let me add specific people’s magical signatures by having them touch their wand to them so their voices can still be heard. Pansy got annoyed with having to write notes to me when I had them on, so it was her idea. The charm resets itself every time they’re taken off.”
“Why?” Draco cocked his head. “Why do you have them?” I elaborated.
“Things get too much for me too.” I was surprised by that.
“Why muggle?”
“Silencing charms are too…” He stopped talking for a second, seemingly looking for the right word as he twisted the signet ring on his left hand. “Buzzy. I tried a bunch of different ones, and Severus even tried to create me one once when I was younger, but they never worked out.” I was stunned by this- only Luna had ever known what I was talking about when I talked about how buzzy silencing charms were, and as much as I like her, I would never call Luna a good judge of what is normal. I nodded vehemently. “Mm. Yes, so when father found out about the different things muggles had to help people like me, he told mother and she convinced him to buy me some. He wasn’t always as… dogmatic in his beliefs of blood purity.” He shrugged awkwardly, looking down at his hands as he twisted them together in his lap.
“What do you mean, people like you?”
Draco looked up at me, seemingly a little startled by the question. Did he not mean to say that? He swallowed and shook his hands out, not unlike the way I was when I first shut myself into the cupboard. “I’m autistic.”
“What’s that?” I didn’t think I’d ever heard that word before.
“Uh. It basically means that my brain works a bit differently?” He didn’t seem too confident in his explanation. “Like, I don’t do too good with social… stuff, and I sort of have, uhm, sensory issues? So, sound can get really overwhelming, so can bright lights, or like, I have issues with certain textures or whatever, and, I don’t know, I can get, like obsessive over things? And even though I’m really sarcastic, I don’t always notice when other people use sarcasm? I don’t know.” He looked like he was really struggling with his explanation, his face scrunched up and his hands flapping again.
“Oh. Okay.” I thought that all sounded pretty normal to me, and said so- “Is that… not normal?”
“Not really? Like, neurotypical people, that’s people who aren’t ‘neurodiverse’, which means people with, like, autism, or ADHD, or whatever, they don’t tend to hear silencing charms, or stim, or whatever.”
“Oh. What’s stim?”
“Stimming is, like, doing repetitive things that can, like, calm you down, or show that you’re happy, or whatever. I’m really not the best at describing this stuff.”
“But….” I stopped. I felt really confused.
“What?” Draco rested his head on his knees and looked at me, and I noticed that he seemed to be focusing on my hair instead of my eyes like Ron and Hermione always tried to do- I was glad, that always made me feel squirmy and uncomfortable.
“I do all that stuff, I think?” I squeezed my eyes closed again and twisted my wrists back and forth at my sides.
“Yeah.” Draco seemed entirely unsurprised by that.
“What do you mean, yeah?” I snapped out, opening my eyes again, and flinched as I realized how rude it came out, but Draco didn’t seem to even notice, or if he did, he didn’t care.
“I mean yeah. I heard you vocal stimming before I came in, and you’ve been rocking back and forth this entire time, and you said a bunch of stuff that sounds like you’re probably autistic, or at least have some kind of sensory issues.” He shrugged awkwardly.
“B-but…. No one ever…” I trailed off.
“I’m surprised Granger never noticed anything, but it’s not something people really talk about in the Wizarding world. It’s not difficult to find out though. Come on.” Draco got to his feet and held out his left hand to help pull me up. I took it, feeling my face flushing at the feeling of his soft skin on mine and hoping that my dark skin covered it up.
“Where are we going?”
“To Madame Pomfrey. She’ll know the diagnosis spell.” I nodded and followed him out of the cupboard, very aware of the fact I was still wearing his ear defenders and his hand was still in mine. My fingers were much wider and more calloused than his, which were graceful, long and slender, and a part of me wished he’d never let go.
People were staring at us in the corridor and I tensed up, stepping closer to him and looking down at my feet. He squeezed my hand and I smiled to myself. Eventually, we made it to the Hospital wing, where thankfully there was no one to stare at us.
“You’ll need to take off the ear-defenders so you can hear her.” Draco’s voice was low and soft. I nodded, moving them until they were around my neck instead. Actually, the weight of them is quite pleasant too.
“Mr Malfoy, Mr Potter. Please don’t tell me one of you have managed to injure yourselves again?” Madame Pomfrey smiled at us, standing up from her chair and smoothing down her skirt.
“No, ma’am. I think Harry might be autistic, so we’re here for you to test him.”
Madame Pomfrey startled and then nodded. “Right, okay, no problem. Mr Potter, please take a seat.” She nodded at the end of the closest bed, and I had to finally let go of Draco’s hand to sit down. “Its just one quick spell, and it will take about 5 minutes to get a result, alright?”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Divergi Diagnosi.” Madame Pomfrey waved her wand in a complex pattern and I felt the tingly spell settle over me. Thankfully, it only lasted a few seconds before dissipating, leaving behind an odd grey glow. I looked over at Draco, who smiled at me- he really was very attractive, particularly when he smiled. I was still somewhat embarrassed that he had seen me earlier, but I was also thankful that instead of looking down at me for it, he’d been helpful and even kind. And the way he’d held my hand made a traitorous part of me think that, just maybe, he might like me back. Unlikely, but still, a guy can dream, right?
The grey light slowly shifted to a vibrant purple. “Yes, Mr Potter, it seems you are autistic. I can recommend some techniques for dealing with any issues that you may have relating to this, although you may be better speaking with Mr Malfoy, here.” She looked over at Draco and he nodded.
“Right. Yeah. Alright.” I nodded, standing up and making my way back over to Draco’s side, smothering a grin when he immediately reached out and took my hand again.
“I will need to inform Headmistress McGonagall, and I would recommend letting your friends know as well, although I cannot force you to do so. I will also, with your permission, inform Professor Flitwick, who is trained in supporting students with neurodivergencies and mental health issues.”
“Uh, yeah, alright, no problem.” I nodded.
“Okay, if that is all?” She turned away in clear dismissal. I moved back towards the door, half-pulling Draco by the hand.
“Congratulations, Harry, welcome to the club.” Draco smirked at me as he opened the door for me.
“Do I get a membership card?” I grinned up at him and he laughed.
“Yep, absolutely. You should be honoured to be a member of such a cool and exclusive club. So far as I know, there’s only me, you, Luna, and Astoria Greengrass in this school.”
“Luna? Oh, that… actually makes a lot of sense. Who’s Astoria?”
“She’s a Slytherin sixth year, Daphne’s sister. She’s pretty cool, actually.” He said, fondly. Oh. Maybe he likes her. I thought, sadly, and dropped his hand. “What’s wrong?” He turned to me, his brow furrowed.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?” He stopped in the hall, pulling me into an alcove.
“Do you like her?” I asked before I could think about it, then clamped my mouth shut.
“I don’t understand.”
I sighed. Well, too late now. “Do you like her? Like, I don’t know, like her?”
I wasn’t expecting Draco to burst out laughing, but he did. “What?! Harry, no. I’m gay, and she’s a lesbian.” He leaned back against the wall, his head tilted back as he laughed, and I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth- I could see how sharp his teeth were, and I couldn’t help but think that I sort of liked them.
“Oh.” I knew my face would be bright red now.
He seemed to sober at my short answer, tilting his head down. “You don’t… have an issue with that, do you?”
“What?!” I was shocked by how he took that. “No, no, of course not! I’m bi!” I shouted, and then realized that we were in a fairly public space and I had, in fact, just yelled out my sexuality to my crush when I hadn’t even told my best friends. Shit.
“I-oh. Okay. Good.” Draco’s pale cheeks were flushed pink, and it was beautiful. He took my hand again. “We should probably head back to the tower.” I just nodded and followed him out into the corridor. About half way back to the eighth-year tower, the sounds of the busy hallways got to be too much for me again, and I used my free hand to pull Draco’s ear defenders back up, stepping closer to him unconsciously.
Almost as soon as we stepped into the common room, we were practically stampeded by Hermione. I could see that she was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her. I pulled down the ear defenders, only to be met with a wave of noise even worse than Gryffindor tower had been. I flinched and pulled the ear defenders back up, and I could see Draco starting to get anxious too- he was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet and kept twitching his neck. I pulled him towards the stairs and he smiled at me, motioning for Hermione to follow us. She turned and grabbed Ron’s arm and pulled him after us. I was about to head towards mine and Ron’s room when he caught my attention and shook his head, guiding us to his room instead. As soon as we got into his room, he flopped down onto his bed, letting go of my hand to pull an odd-looking blanket up over his shoulders. I sat directly on his left side and he smiled to himself, leaning towards me.
I looked over at Hermione and saw that she looked incredibly confused, while Ron just looked vaguely sick. I took off the ear defenders and asked “What’s up?”.
“Why are we in Malfoy’s room?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Draco, why are we in your room?”
“Needed my blanket.” He muttered, and I just nodded.
“Because he needed his blanket.”
“Harry! I meant, why did you come in holding Malfoy’s hand, and why did we follow him in here?”
“Oh.” Why didn’t you ask that then? “Uh, he found me earlier when everything got too much and I was, like, not okay...”
Draco butted in quietly, “You were having a meltdown.”
I turned to look at him. “Is that what it’s called?” He nodded. “Okay, he found me having a meltdown, and he lent me these,” I held up the ear defenders, “Which, I really need to get a pair, but yeah, basically, it turns out that I’m autistic.”
“Uhm, mate, I think you missed, like, all of the information?” Ron piped up.
Draco rolled his eyes. “I found Harry having a meltdown, and as I am also autistic, I recognised the signs, then once he calmed down, I took him to Madame Pomfrey to get diagnosed, and then we came back here, and because of the noise in the common room I needed to sooth myself before I ended up having a meltdown, so we had to come in here so I could get my weighted blanket.”
“Its weighted?” I asked, ignoring my friends. He nodded. “That sounds nice.” He grinned prettily at that.
“It is. Here.” He shifted it, lifting up one side so I could scoot closer to him and wrap it around my shoulders too. The weight was instantly calming- it released tension I wasn’t even aware I had.
“Oh, that is nice.”
Ron coughed awkwardly. “Uh, mate, that doesn’t explain why you were holding hands?”
“I dunno. I just wanted to.” Draco nodded, leaning closer to me until his head was almost on my shoulder. I saw Ron open his mouth again, but he was silenced by Hermione nudging him.
“I need to go-” Hermione started, before both me and Ron cut in simultaneously.
“To the library.” We laughed.
She huffed. “Yes, well, I really don’t know that much about Autism, so I need to do some research. Harry, I’m glad you told us. I love you.” She leaned in and gave me a quick hug, before turning and heading towards the door, grabbing Ron’s arm on her way out.
“Yeah, what she said. Charlie and dad are autistic, too, you know. Wait, that probably means I know more about something than Hermione!”
“Cool.” I wasn’t sure what to say about that. It was cool to know that Charlie and Arthur were autistic too.
“Well, then, Ronald, you can help me with my research.” Ron groaned and followed her out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
I shifted to look at Draco. “That went almost exactly as I expected.”
“Hm, yes, your friends are rather predictable.” Draco’s eyes were closed and his head was leaning on my right shoulder.
“Oi!”
“It’s not an insult. They just are predictable. Granger has to research everything, and will likely return with all of the knowledge on Autism the library has, and Weasley was Weasley.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I admitted. Draco hummed.
“I want to lay down. Do you want to stay?”
I felt myself flushing. “Uh, yeah, if that’s alright.”
“Yes, that’s good.” Draco pulled the blanket from our shoulders and laid down on the bed, waiting until I was laid beside him, our chests almost touching, before pulling the blanket back over us. I laid my head on his pillow, just looking at him. He really was absolutely gorgeous. His cheekbones were high and regal, his jawline sharp and angular. His eyes, when they were open, were as silver as the mercury we used in potions class, and his lips, currently slightly parted, were perfect and pointed. I could see the white scar up the left side of his face, tapering off just before it hit his cheekbone, that I knew was caused by the sectumsempra I’d hit him with in sixth year- I had apologised to him for that at his trial, and he had assured me it was okay. I reached up my right hand and ran it along the scar lightly, and his eyes fluttered open. “What are you doing?”
I opened my mouth to reply with something like ‘tracing your scar’, but instead what I said was “Can I kiss you?”
Instead of replying verbally, Draco leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, both of our eyes closing this time. He clutched the front of my sweater and I kept my hand on the side of his jaw as I traced his lips with my tongue. Draco gasped at the sensation, his mouth opening and his tongue coming out to meet mine. He tasted slightly sweet, like he’d just eaten fruit, and his mouth was warm and soft and lovely. After a few minutes, he pulled back. “Why?”
“I’m in love with you.” That…. Was probably too much. Way too strong. Oops. Well, no going back now. “I have been for years. I figured it out when I was on the run last year.”
Draco looked stunned, and I was sort of worried that he was going to kick me out when he pulled me into another kiss. “I’m in love with you too. Since we met, more or less.” Oh my fucking god. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I kissed him deeply, pulling him right up to my chest and smiling into the kiss as he shifted his leg until it was slung over my thighs. I adjusted the blanket over us until it was covering us both from our feet to our shoulders and just relaxed into the kiss.
Eventually, us stopped kissing, both of us droopy-eyed and sleepy, curled together. Draco’s sleepy voice broke the silence. “Do you want to go to muggle London tomorrow? We can get you some ear defenders and stuff, and your own weighted blanket, if you want.”
“Mh, sounds good. ‘m tired. Love you.”
The last thing I heard before drifting off to sleep was Draco’s soft “Love you, too.”