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“Xiao-ge,” comes the whisper from above his cubicle. Xiao Zhan’s doe eyes move from the stack of papers with various floor plans and designs, to peer at the head peeking from above his cubicle. He can imagine Meitong’s position right now; the junior half astride on her office desk right opposite his so she can rest her chin comfortably on her arms against the divider.
Xiao Zhan keeps his impassive expression but a glint of mirth dances in his eyes. It is a quarter past the end of office hour, the floor looking jarringly wide with no chatters and people bumping shoulders. It is a slow day at work so everyone leaves as soon as the clock strikes. In other words, Meitong purposely stays behind to talk to him.
The junior looks flustered from her senior’s stare before breaking into a sheepish smile – feeling caught. “Xiao-ge,” she tries again after composing herself. “Yes, Liu-xiaojie?” Xiao Zhan replies this time.
At this, Meitong’s face visibly lights up as she hops off her desk to round the cubicle and stops right on her senior’s left. “What do you think of my offer the other day?”
Xiao Zhan feigns ignorance. This manages to rile up the younger woman a little as she huffs before pulling the chair from the desk behind them. She is literally buzzing with energy that Xiao Zhan can feel it prickles on the back of his neck as she rolls closer to his side. The man is still boring holes into the papers with his eyes, though both know better his attention is long gone.
“The blind date!” She declares as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. Xiao Zhan only manages to heave a sigh.
Ever since this junior of his found out about his preference (accidentally), she has made it her personal goal to find the perfect partner for the proclaimed best team leader and hottest bachelor in the company. Xiao Zhan partially regretted indulging her that day. Plus, he had clearly stated that he only ever dated a man once and that was a long time ago. All his partners before and after that are women.
That does nothing to hinder the woman from setting up a blind date for him. Because apparently, despite all his goodness, there is this whole ‘darkness’ looming over their beloved team leader and a good partner can help him with it. Xiao Zhan does not deny nor agree with it.
Or really, it is just that the office somehow caught a whiff of his failed engagement.
“What blind date? I don’t remember signing up for any mixer.” He keeps up the nonchalance front even when a smile threatens to break on his face at the frustrated look Meitong is sending his way. This is probably the thrill of messing with your younger siblings.
“Xiao-ge, I told you it’s not a mixer. He already agrees to go on a date with you.” Pitying the girl, Xiao Zhan heaves another sigh and drops his act before replying, “What friend? You guys met at the arcade or whatever. I doubt you have met him at least twice.”
The woman looks sheepish, feeling scolded. She scratches her cheek while thinking of a comeback, her eyes lighting up when she found one. “How old are you? I met him through an online game,” she pauses, holding her hand in front of Xiao Zhan as if telling him to let her finish. “And for the record, we never met but I talk to him on the regular and sometimes we even video called.”
The eye-roll from Xiao Zhan is totally expected of the man but giving up is not in Meitong’s dictionary. “Why don’t you date him instead if he’s that good that you trust him before you even met him face to face?” This time Meitong retorts with a scoff, “He’s as gay as can be, such a pity really. He’s totally my type.”
Sensing her attention getting averted, she whines, “Xiao-ge!”
Xiao Zhan does nothing to placate the frustrated woman, instead, he breaks into a fit of laughter. “Anyways, he has odd working hours, so it is hard for me to meet up with him. Kind of expected from a video game programmer, really. It feels like he is constantly working.” The senior has an eyebrow raised listening to the younger’s rambling. “Sounds like a nerd you got there,” Xiao Zhan throws in the comment carelessly.
“Don’t say it like you don’t have various One Piece figurines on your desk right now.” Xiao Zhan puts his hand on his chest with a scandalous look as they both turn to look at his work desk. There is Chopper clipped to his monitor, for one.
“Back to the main topic!” Meitong claps her hand once, now staring intently at the only other person in the room sitting across her. “This Friday night, eight-thirty at our usual hotpot spot. I’m giving away my opportunity to meet my best friend to you, Xiao-ge. You better appreciate it.”
Before the man can even retaliate, Meitong rises from her seat and before long, Xiao Zhan is left alone in the office, gaping at his monitor.
✶✶✶
Bless her, Xiao Zhan thought cynically.
He does not even get a name. But in Meitong’s defence, he never tells the girl he is going on the blind date. God, what is he even thinking coming here?
It is totally understandable if he bailed since he almost forgot about it, leaving work in haste when he realised the sun is long gone, replaced with the lonely moonlight. But he is here anyway, if this is just a prank then guess he can grab dinner and go home.
The clock hanging on the wall right in front of the entrance shows that it is almost nine. Xiao Zhan is sweating through his office wear. That is not bad for a first impression, right?
The man managed to punch in a hasty message to Meitong on his way there and thankfully received a reply right when his DiDi ride stops on the side of the road.
So, his mission now is to find table number 8, all the way at the back corner of the hotpot house. Hopefully, the man is still there. If not, hopefully, the table is still not taken by anybody else, so he does not have to embarrass himself by making a turn back to the main area.
“This better be him,” he whispers to the deities when he sees a nest of dark brown hair peeking from the booth.
“Sorry, I was running late at work. Hope… you don’t mind the wait.” Xiao Zhan’s voice falters by the end of his introduction. He cannot believe his eyes. He must be dreaming.
This cannot be happening to him. The universe does not have that twisted of humour, right?
“Xiao Zhan?”
Said man breaks from his stupor, shaking his head to regain his composure as the other man – Meitong’s best friend – rises from his seat. They stared at each other for an awkward minute before the taller of the two hastily ushered himself into the seat opposite the man who just called him by his full name.
“Wang Yibo… it’s really you?” The man – Wang Yibo – is dressed in the usual business casual attire of people in his industry, contrary to the more professional one of Xiao Zhan’s. He has a bomber jacket thrown over the flannel shirt fully unbuttoned to reveal his white undershirt.
Wang Yibo also seems to take a while to process the whole situation. Once everything sinks in, Xiao Zhan barely manages to stop himself from getting caught staring at the man’s chest. He is much more filled than what he remembers. Then again…
“Meitong’s qianbei?” Shit, what a small world. Xiao Zhan gulps before nodding in response.
At this, Wang Yibo has a baffled look on his face as he droops in his seat, head leaning on the booth. “What a small world, huh?” He chuckles humourlessly, staring in the way that got Xiao Zhan hot under his collar.
The other man only replies with a ‘yeah’ meekly, purposely avoiding Wang Yibo’s sharp gaze. “Whatever,” the latter whispers to himself, then clearing his throat and offering a sincere smile to Xiao Zhan. “Since we’re here already, I’ve placed the order. Half-half, hope you’re still okay with that. This might not go as she planned but at least we can do this for the old-time, right? Zhan-ge.”
Xiao Zhan almost jumps in his seat, maybe flinches a little when he hears that nickname again. He is conflicted about whether he wants the night to end already or not.
If there is one thing he is sure about at the moment, it is that he is sort of glad he finally has the chance to be on the same table with the only man he ever gave his heart too.
✶✶✶
It is not the best relationship for Xiao Zhan, per se. One, because he was somehow the first person the younger man ever got committed too. Two, both were pretty young at the time, Wang Yibo mostly. Xiao Zhan never thought he could be attracted to a man but well, things happened.
Just like how fast they entered their relationship – Xiao Zhan was a man Wang Yibo picked up at his regular nightclub and they decided to go on a brunch the next morning – the end of it came almost instantly and inevitably like a snowball going downhill. There were fights, growing insecurities and Xiao Zhan was the one to throw in the towel first.
Wang Yibo was almost never home, despite being the one to bring up the whole living together idea. Xiao Zhan was fighting tooth and nail to get his career started in a city far from home. He just lost his job because the company went bankrupt nearing the end of their relationships. One thing led to another and they both found themselves on different roads. A clean-cut to a chapter of their youths.
“So,” Xiao Zhan half-whispers, as if talking to himself. They found themselves sitting at a bench in a park nearby after dinner. He spares a glance at the man sitting on his left. Wang Yibo still has the unlit cigarette perch between his shut lips. The man hums, turning his head to stare back at Xiao Zhan, posture casual with arms thrown on the backrest of the bench.
There is a lot in his mind at the moment, thoughts spilling like lava when he looks at his ex-boyfriend in the face again. Eight years went by, it is impossible for the younger man to remain the same or for the older to remember every detail clearly. But there is a nagging feeling too like it has only been yesterday.
So, Xiao Zhan settles on what he thinks does not sound as intrusive as the many other questions in his head. After all, this is the man he used to love and care for. The circumstances of their separation may not be the best, might be considered an unfinished business even, but Xiao Zhan cannot help from being curious about the well-being of the man he thought he knew everything about.
“You began smoking again, huh?”
The chuckle that sounds like thunder in his chest is Yibo’s automatic response. He throws the white rolled paper between his legs before crashing it with the tip of his sneakers. “Nah, not really. Sometimes, I guess. Need something to distract me.”
Deep down, Xiao Zhan knew why he did what he just did. He stopped smoking because of me. He used to hate the smell so much, his tolerance barely improving over the years.
Wang Yibo suddenly started coughing beside him and this put a smile on Xiao Zhan’s face. “See, you should start a new habit.” I used to make boiled pear for him. “Ah, in such a fast world, I can’t help but look for an instant solution,” Yibo replies, humour in his voice as he smiles up at the night sky.
“You… make video games now,” Xiao Zhan states matter-of-factly. Yibo only bothers answering with an “Mn.”
“What happened to dancing?” Here comes the bomb. For a moment, the air stills around them. Xiao Zhan holds his breath as he waits for Yibo to conjure up his answers. The former finds the can of coffee in his hands more interesting until Yibo catches his attention with a sigh. Almost like he has been carrying the world on his back.
“Things. Happened, that is. I grew up, I guess. Can’t live your youth forever, right?” His laugh sounds hollow and offensive to Xiao Zhan’s ears. There is so much he used to know and not know about this man anymore. But the latter does not dare to pry, instead letting the younger man elaborates at his own pace.
Sensing the man is not going to say more, Xiao Zhan antes and says something that he knows always managed to brighten up the younger man back then. Or knew.
Because Wang Yibo’s face turned impossibly darker at the mention of his grandmother. He knows Xiao Zhan means nothing when he asked about the lovely lady that always sent them gifts back then.
“She passed, a month after,” Yibo lets his words hang in the air, his hands gesturing vaguely, not daring himself to say, ‘their break-up.’ Xiao Zhan wanted to say sorry for his loss so much but knows better it is not something someone like Wang Yibo would appreciate. He himself feels down after hearing it, after all, the lady was really accepting of their relationship back then.
“Life went to shit after that you know, regrets. One after the other, gnawing at me when I was so lost already. So, I did the next best thing, I quit the crew after the group I was backing for finished their gig in the States. I thought I have been compromising a lot for my own happiness. It was really selfish of me. I lost the only family who supported my dream to dance, by dancing far across the oceans when she was on her deathbed. It backfired on me.” Yibo clears his throat when his voice began to tremble. Xiao Zhan also finds himself subconsciously scooting closer, their knees knocking, offering comfort without any big touch.
Yibo’s laugh sounds wet when he throws his head back to stare at the sky again. Xiao Zhan can barely see in the dim light, but he is sure the sparkles he sees in the younger man’s eyes are not a reflection of the stars barely visible among the light pollution, but rather the tears he rarely let out.
“You know, Zhan-ge,” he pauses again as if pondering. Xiao Zhan hums, signalling he is all ears. He is sure after all these years, one thing that is not going to change is Yibo’s ability to be vulnerable in front of others. This is a rare sight, so Xiao Zhan waits. He waits until the younger man drops his head and turns in his direction, though he is looking at the coffee in Xiao Zhan’s hands instead of his eyes.
“I know I am never one to let regret brings me down. No matter how much they pile up. So, at the time I thought I need to get back home. I didn’t care about the cost. I lost you, I didn’t get to say goodbye to popo. I want mama and baba. I had been such an insolent child, going against their words,” he whispers. His voice low as if afraid the world is going to know his secret. “Here I am now, I guess. What is losing a job compared to losing the purpose of your life, right? I have a degree anyways, it’s time to make use of it. You can’t stick to one thing your whole life.”
Xiao Zhan ignores the nagging in his head to take Yibo’s large hand into his. He caresses the calloused fingertips, trying to offer the comfort that words cannot convey.
He knows how much the younger man loves dancing. He went against all odds – literally – for this one particular thing. He had been sick, he had been rejected, he had been scorned for not coming from the proper background. But on the night, they met many years ago, Wang Yibo was celebrating with his new crew for scoring his first gig after joining them. The burst of serotonin was probably what pushed the younger man to ask the then freshly graduated Xiao Zhan on a date the next day.
“Enough about me. Meitong told me this mysterious leader of her was supposed to get married…” He purposely trails off in a teasing manner, a silent encouragement for Xiao Zhan to finish off in his own words. Yibo turns his palm up to wrap it securely around Xiao Zhan’s smaller hand. The latter looks a little dazed at the sight.
“A-ah. About that. It’s not so bad. I guess. I don’t really know what people say about it. One day she decided to further her studies overseas and told me she could not do long distance. The next I know; she was back in Beijing a year later to get married to a man she met in her class before settling down back in the country she left for.” Xiao Zhan berates himself for sounding pathetic. His misfortune seems minuscule when he puts it side by side with what Yibo had gone through.
But he knows this guy – this Wang Yibo – is not a bad guy. He has his flaws, sure. But he has a good heart. Instead of laughing at him, Yibo continues to massage the back of his hand with his thumb. Never one to be good at words, but loud in his acts.
“Come on, it’s getting late. We’re old men now anyways. Can’t miss the extra hours for sleep,” Yibo teases, rising up from the bench but still holding on to Xiao Zhan’s hand.
Xiao Zhan gasps at the insult to his age. “Excuse me? I’m not even forty yet.” He almost whines when Yibo lets go of his hand to laugh at him freely, shoulders shaking as he croaks like a frog. “I’m already in my mid-thirty, what does that say about you?” Yibo laughs a little more and finally calms down when his vision clears to reveal Xiao Zhan pouting, unamused.
“Let’s go. Which way is your home? I’ll walk you back.” He offers his hand and let Xiao Zhan takes it before leading them in the direction of the older man's apartment complex. No one comments on how Xiao Zhan does not hesitate to take the offer.
“Hey, it’s almost time for Lantern Festival,” Xiao Zhan says absentmindedly, walking closer to the shorter man until their shoulders rubbed. He can feel the stare on the side of his head.
Xiao Zhan whispers, like he is telling a secret to the night sky, “It would have been our tenth anniversary soon.”
Wang Yibo does not come up with an immediate response and Xiao Zhan does not expect him to. But the former suddenly says something that makes him halts his step.
“Let’s start from the beginning. I’m Wang Yibo, and you are?” There is familiarity in the way they walk holding hands but Xiao Zhan plays along. “Hi, I’m Xiao Zhan.”