Chapter Text
If it is to be believed that fairy tales are in fact tales passed down from fairies, then they might say they live by a certain code with which to tell these tales.
Only the best stories from the fairies get passed down and all aspiring fairies look forward to the day where their oration lives on through generations and adaptations.
And what makes a legendary tale, one might ask?
Well, it's rather simple actually.
Step one: it must always begin with any of the following- 'long ago', 'once upon a time', or 'once there was a __'
Step two: there's always a heroic being and a villainous being
Step three: the tale was almost always witnessed in a far away, distant place. Bonus points if the story is so fantastical, the listeners are convinced the land is make believe
Step four: good always wins after all problems are solved by the end.
Step five: include wishes, creatures like dragons, and, of course, the fairies
Step six: magic (although, it must be remembered that all magic comes with a price)
Step seven: a happy ending
More bonus points if the subjects break out into song and/or dance, as well as if there's royalty and talking animals.
Fairies spend most of their apprenticeship studying great classics, relishing in each generations' adaptations, inspiring human authors to pen these tales. The blueprint is foolproof. It withstands the tests of time.
If any fairy or fae is ever so lucky to bear witness and tell the tales of true love, they're elevated high in rank and status. It's the dream come true to be able to narrate one's own fairy tale.
Maybe you're reading this and you're thinking this is the build up for that sort of tale. Rest assured, it is not.
In fact, this is the tale of how NOT to fairy tale. Perhaps the most disastrous fairy tale ever to be told. It could be archived as a lesson plan for what not to do. Take this ENTIRELY as a precautionary measure, if you will.
But for nostalgia's sake, let's just start it off with once upon a time...
Where one might think two lovers are cuddled together in sweet embrace.
But these lovers are in fact bickering. Because that's typically what they do.
This is a tale about a couple who seems to thrive in chaos and nothing but chaos. Sure, there are elements of sweet, sweet love and care between them. They're entirely whipped for each other. It's quite sickening, if you ask their friends. But mostly? Chaos. Are they older lovers? Not at all, yet squabble seems to be the language of their love.
That's actually how they met. It might have been a misunderstanding, but one that led in bickering that eventually led to the two pressed against each other in the closet at a mutual friend's Christmas celebration-- to the surprise of literally no one. It all started when one best friend of one lover decided to date the other best friend of the other lover. These lovers decided to bring their friend group together, excited for the pair to meet.
Big mistake.
One misunderstood compliment got taken the wrong way, causing a chain reaction of a back and forth ping pong match in creative insults while their friends all watched until they got tired. And it stayed that way for three months. Three! Because they're both two sides of stubborn. One, outright stubborn and refusing to be the first to apologize. The other? Recognized the first was being stubborn so intentionally kept goading until they had to be separated so as not to come to blows.
It got to the point where their friends expected something to be utterly wrong when they weren't slinging insults at each other. But they dared not point out things like when one was missing, the other would inquire and maybe send a sweet text message to check in (followed by an insult, naturally).
Three long months until they fully reverted back to the high schoolers they were playing out to be by re-enacting Seven Minutes in Heaven. And maybe their friends weren't surprised but the rapid loss of clothes definitely had a few disgusted.
That was almost 7 years ago. Now? They're in this thing full swing. Much to the chagrin of their tortured friends. Kisses and cuddles, petty fights and wise cracks. Are they even married? No, but they might as well be. Their friends are exhausted. One glimpse into their lives and everyone might feel their pain.
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"You're being so unfair!" Jimin whines. The pout™ comes next, followed by the flailing limbs.
Except Yoongi's not giving in. Nope. Not this time. This time, Yoongi comes prepared for the epic Park Jimin meltdown™ and preemptively looks at his phone. Nothing but his phone.
Feet stamp the floor, little fists are balled, arms flail but Yoongi won't look up.
The whining gets louder, more paced. He knows what might be next.
And sure enough, like clockwork, Jimin spreads his body out across the couch, pushing at Yoongi's thigh with his cartoon socked feet.
"And you're not even listening to me! You're the worst lover ever. I want a divorce right now!" He demands in full whine.
Yoongi sighs but doesn't look up from his phone. If he makes eye contact, it's over. He has to keep his resolve.
"We're not married yet..." he starts but Jimin huffs, then whines and pouts while pushing his feet against Yoongi's thigh again.
"Because I won't marry you because you're taking too long to propose, by the way, and you're an awful, terrible, meanie boyfriend and that's why we're divorced." Jimin logic™.
Yoongi tries not to break but the smirk threatens to show itself. It's a very fine line. If he shows too much, the pillow against his head might come next. If he doesn't show enough, Jimin might do something even more rash. But, like Goldilocks, if he's just right in his manner, this whole thing could blow over in a few minutes. Then Yoongi will pepper him with sweet kisses and cuddles and Jimin will have forgotten all about it. And Yoongi's a patient man. He thinks he can hold out for a few more minutes.
He can't let an opportunity like this go, though. "Park Jimin, you could always propose to me, huh! I deserve to be romanced too."
Jimin swats at him playfully, face scrunched in contempt. "I want my fairy tale, Min Yoongi! That's what we agreed to and you can't take back what you- hey!"
Damn. Yoongi thought, surely, this might be just the thing to help move Jimin's mind away from where it was originally. He was hoping to steer him towards a very important topic on his mind.
But before that, part two of Jimin's tactics™. Next thing Yoongi knows, there's ruffling then part of the couch closest to where he's sitting dips.
"Baby," Jimin coos sweetly.
Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact.
"Hmm?"
He feels Jimin's nose nuzzle against his neck. Right in that spot that drives him mad. Jimin's pulling out all of the stops.
"Chubs...?" It's just as sweet but laced with something a bit more impatient. He wants Yoongi's eye contact.
But he can't give it. He must not give in.
So he grunts instead. Intelligently. And he swears he can hear Jimin growl at this.
"Don't you love me?" Jimin tries, just so sweet.
Yoongi nods. "With all my heart." And he keeps scrolling on his phone.
He hears Jimin coo. Can tell as he straddles Yoongi's lap that he's preening from the admission.
"Remember that thing I did last night? You really liked that, I could tell." And he's definitely not playing fair.
But Yoongi can't say he's too surprised by this offensive. He knows his boyfriend after all. Seven years. Two (ridiculously) teetering the lines of friendship, then five officially together will do that.
He feels the hand holding his phone being moved then connecting with Jimin's soft, pillowy lips. Jimin places the phone gently on the coffee table, then proceeds to plant delicate kisses on each finger tip. It's so nice. Such a sweet baby he has. Except he's not. He's a full menace.
Yoongi finds a focal point as Jimin's cute little nose rubs against Yoongi's palm. When that doesn't seem to stir Yoongi too much, a soft kiss goes to Yoongi's wrist then the back of his hand. Kisses trail up to his neck. To that same spot Jimin knows is bound to land results.
"There's so much more where that left off. I've been reading up on some new things we could try that I think we both might like..." He whispers in a singsong voice.
Now he's nibbling at the lobe of Yoongi's ear and Yoongi can tell he's grinning. Can tell Jimin is really going to lay it on thick. Can tell he's going to try to work every single angle of cute until Yoongi folds.
He even goes so far as to place Yoongi's free hand on his ass. Holding it there until Yoongi complies, giving it a squeeze. He can feel the way Jimin's body responds. Hears the way Jimin reels once again.
If Min Yoongi were a lesser man, he might crumble. But he is not the inexperienced boyfriend to the force that is Park Jimin. No, indeed, he could write a book on how to survive Park Jimin's wicked ways.
Okay, while he may not be a lesser man, he's still a man with a hand on the very nice and supple ass of his love. So yes, he finds himself massaging and patting Jimin's ass appreciatively while Jimin continues his ministrations, sweet kisses all around his face.
Unbeknownst to the pair, a passerby happens upon them and starts observing two lovers in their natural habitat.
"Ahh yay! Love! On my first outing! This is nice." The fae peaks, squealing, bouncing up and down excitedly while swooning affectionately.
It must be his lucky day! First official day on the job, he'd completed his first assignment and in a timely manner, too. It wasn't the biggest task. Merely tasked with exploring the human realm and finding the joy of a child.
He hadn't realized just how fast and absurd some parts of the human world could be. He made sure to take copious notes though, just like he was trained! He's supposed to report back but along the way, he gets the pleasure of seeing two lovers, entangled in sweet embrace. Lucky day, indeed!
He knows he should get back very soon. He's got a lot to report and the pixies are throwing a party that's the talk of all the realms. His outfit's been hanging on the side of his bed all day (of course, he won't admit that if anyone asks). Yet he can't help but to bask in his first encounter of love in the human realm. Maybe, just maybe, this might just be a prosperous venture that could lead to a fast promotion!
He's known of one other who got promoted within their first two weeks but nothing this fast! This could set a record if he plays this right. And even if he decides to leave the lovers be, it's enough just to be able to take in this sight for the very first time in his entire fae life.
Love is so beautiful!
"Jimin-ah," he sees the brown haired, gruffy-sounding, cat-looking human say. Odd, how he doesn't seem to look his lover in the eye. But hearing the inflection of this human's tone, he can tell just how much love bounces from his timbres.
He swoons at how he's been trained to pick up on these things. He wasn't the top of Cupid's class for nothing, okay? But none of that beats firsthand field experience. He can't wait to add this to his report to his superiors!
The other, with wild hair like the sun, straddled across cat-faced human, seems to perk up. "Yes, baby?"
The cat-faced human looks fairly young, judging by his dumpling-like face but he doesn't look like much of a baby. The fae remembers studying human babies. These two don't appear to be the tallest humans but the cat looking human is surely bigger than a baby. Though, from looking at footage of babies and meeting one earlier, this human surely seems to pout like one.
But then a thought comes to him. He remembers something from just before he entered the human realm.
"That's right!" he tells himself.
In his Human Colloquialisms and Terminologies course, he learned this could be considered an affectionate term for lovers. He coos, wanting nothing more but to delve further into this sweet, intimate display of love. How grand and blessed is he to witness this firsthand!
And so he goes back to observing this adoring pair. He loves love. Spent so much time studying it. And now, here it is! He aspires to be a prominent recordkeeper for all things love, especially in the human realm, as he's heard it's been a rarity at times. He starts envisioning his life where he's regaling in his journey of how he was witness to human love on his first day.
"No matter how much you bat those pretty, puppy eyes, you're not getting the remote." The cat-faced human says, dully.
This causes the other human, who seems to look more like a duckling than a puppy if he were to say, to shriek and so the poor fae has to cover his little ears and duck against the window sill, clearly snapped out of his reverie.
When he looks back up, the duckling-faced human is wailing on the cat-faced human with a pillow and his tiny fists of fury. And to the fae's surprise, the cat human seems to be laughing. This makes no sense!
"You are the worst, most awful, most... most... poopheaded boyfriend ever. That's it! I mean it this time. I want a divorce. You're so mean! I'm gonna call you Mean Yoongi from now on!"
Oh no! Not a divorce. That's an awful word, according to The Fae Guide to Human Emotions book the fae's painstakingly memorized.
"Says the person who just tried to manipulate me with sex. Just admit you're a brat and go, Park Jimin."
"You knew I was a brat the moment you met me, Mean Yoongi."
"I know, and I've been ruing the day ever since." Oh no. Not ruing! The fae clutches at his chest. He can't be witness to ruing already!
"Hyung, stop being like this!" Duckling human whines.
Cat human rolls his eyes. "We do this every week, Jimin-ah. It's my turn this week, fair and square."
Well, if it's fair and square, then it's fair and square, the fae reasons.
Of course, he hasn't seen whether or not they pinky promised. Because then, that's entirely binding. No going back on that.
"But I want to watch Titanic!" Duckling human whines.
Cat human rolls his eyes again. His mouth seems to poke out in a pout again. "We literally watched it last week! And it was still my turn for movie night and you still got your way."
Then he turns on a giant black box. If memory serves correctly, this is one way humans find entertainment. Through moving pictures. Pretty, bright lights and boxes with words in different shapes and colors show up on the screen.
The cat-faced human's hand seems to be pointing at the box and moving the pictures.
The fae gasps. He didn't know humans used such magic here in this realm. A second later reveals perhaps it is not magic but something the human possesses in his hand that changes the pictures.
"You pick boring movies, hyung! I don't wanna watch sci-fi!" The duckling faced one whines more.
"You don't even know what I'm going-" before he can continue, the duckling faced human lets out some kind of battle cry that sounds more like a duck squawking, then moves from straddling to lunging towards the cat-faced human's outstretched hand.
They tussle a bit for this item and the duckling human successfully takes it after biting the cat-faced human. Oh no! This is awful. Whatever this object is must be cursing them!
He's not sure what kind of magic it carries but it's fast acting so he, too, must be fast acting! He just wants to get the blasted thing away so they can go back to being loving towards each other.
The duckling-faced human changes the pictures to something else but then gets scooped from behind at the waist by the cat-faced human. Duckling human squeals as cat human lifts him then wheezes, tumbling towards their seating apparatus. In a gravity-defying display of acrobatics, duckling human manages to maneuver his body around to cat human's back. But cat human now has the picture changer. There's snarling, screeching, maybe even a few more battle cries as the picture keeps changing rapidly. This is absolutely dreadful!
"Jimin... ow! You're fighting dirty!" Yoongi shrieks, yet he's still chuckling as Jimin pulls Yoongi's hair while trying to lean over him to grab the remote again.
They're so ridiculous sometimes and Yoongi loves everything about them.
Jimin keeps giggling while hanging his body over Yoongi's back. Yoongi uses his long arms to his advantage while Jimin pushes his legs against the back of the couch to gain momentum as he tries reaching for the remote again. They keep going back and forth changing through different categories and the next thing they know, black.
Everything fades to black.
The device drops to the floor.
And well, to say the fae is shocked is an understatement. He'd been aiming his wand directly at the rectangle-shaped device between the lovers' hands. He figured that was the source of their curse and if he could easily eradicate it, they'd return to loving each other! The fighting was becoming feral and the longer he waited, the worse it was!
But he's never had to rush his magic so fast. And naturally, that caused his little body to feel a bit out of sorts. So of course, he hadn't anticipated sneezing right at the moment he let his magic free. Which caused the magic to miss the device entirely, catching the lovers instead.
And that's the story of how the two human lovers he observes end up sent to a realm inside the giant black box called, "Disney."