Chapter Text
It was the middle of the night and she could feel her entire body shivering. She was wide awake, looking at the ceiling, her heart beating way too fast.
She tried to keep her breathing steady, to focus on the sound of the rain coming from outside. She was shivering, and started wondering what were the symptoms of an heart attack.
Her phone had buzzed a few minutes before with a text that made tears running down her cheeks. Her heart broke as she read the words again.
Maybe if I tell you that I’m not drunk and about to take a woman to my home you will answer me.
She took a deep breathe and put the phone back on the night stand. She was still cold and shivering from the pain and sadness of reading those words. Definitely not an heart attack. Still. It hurt the same.
She thought Tegan could understand her need for loneliness during this time of grief. She thought it was okay to spend almost a month alone (with her mother and sister) to grief her two best friends.
Even if Bonnie and Frank were more than her best friends. Frank was…her step-son. It felt weird to think of him that way, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized he was nothing like Sam. He was as smart as his father yes, but he was loyal and funny. He was always there for her, something Sam had stopped doing at some point during their marriage. He needed her as much as she needed him. Frank, her son. The hand she knew she could always caught if needed.
She wanted to talked at his funerals but she couldn’t. Not in front of the entire Delfino family who was crying their son. Because the truth couldn’t be said that day. So she talked in front of his grave a few days later. Told him she forgave him and loved him. That she couldn’t thank him enough for protecting her.
She was angry too, because his selfless actions on the trial’s day led to Bonnie’s death. But somehow, she felt more peace than anger. They were together, reunited and in peace. Frank and Bonnie, forever.
And Bonnie. Her dear Bonnie. Her best friend, her daughter, her sister, her partner. Bonnie was everything. And she missed her so much she felt a hole in herself.
Bonnie had been with her for the good and for the bad. When she lost baby Sam, when she tried to kill herself. Bonnie had stayed by her side for fifteen years. Even if she hurt her, Bonnie would always come back. Bonnie was sweet, kind and dedicated to her.
Her sweet Bonnie.
Annalise knew that somehow it was her fault if Tegan was sending her this text. She could have answered her first text almost a month before. Or answered one of her calls. But it was just too much at the moment. She needed her time, she needed her mother and her sister to be with her.
During the first week, Tegan had called once and sent her first text message. Then, the second week, she had called three times and sent a second message. The third week, she hadn’t called but sent two others texts messages.
And for the past week, she had sent messages every night. She had called too, never left a voicemail. And Annalise started to feel guilt. The pain of losing Bonnie and Frank was still there, and it was too much. She couldn’t leave her penthouse without thinking of them.
She was afraid, sad, in pain. She was alone.
She missed her friend. Tegan was funny, her rock as she had called her more than a year before. She meant it, she trusted the Latina with her life.
Her phone kept buzzing, two calls and another text.
“Are you going to answer that damn phone Anna Mae ?”
“Nope.” she said but grabbed the phone from the nightstand and read all the texts she had received the past month from her friend.
Hey. I’m here if you need anything. Even if it’s ice cream in the middle of the night.
Or in the middle of the day.
Hey, it’s me. You know, your friend Tegan, I know it’s hard, you’re in pain but don’t turn me down please.
Hey, I’m worried about you. Please call me.
And then it was the drunk texts. Every night, between 2 am and 3 am.
The first night of the fourth week, after reading the text she wanted to call her. Because she missed her too and she was wondering if alcohol and sex could ease her pain. But she didn’t call or answered, she couldn’t take the risk of hurting her.
I miss you.
Asshole.
Sorry, it was the alcohol talking last night. Still I miss you.
I have so much alcohol in my body I am going to pee tequila.
I woke up with a terrible headache, and now I’m so fucking drunk I will wake with the same headache in the morning.
I hate that you ignore me. I really hate it.
Please call me. I miss you.
I’m so drunk Annalise. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I can’t loose you.
I’ve lost my parents, I’ve lost my brothers and sisters. I can’t loose you too.
Fuck. Fuck you Annalise.
Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s impossible.
Or for once you’re wrong. And we can do this together.
Sometimes in the near future, I hope you and I can talk. I really miss my friend.
Fuck you.
Sorry.
If that’s what you want.
And then there were today’s texts. Annalise was trying to keep the tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to deal with that with her mother sitting next to her.
Maybe if I tell you I’m not drunk and about to take a woman to my home you will answer me.
Tegan again, not drunk at all and you still haven’t answered me.
I know you’re alive because I called this afternoon and your mother answered your phone.
Sorry about that.
And you know what, yes I’m wasted and I just got home. I was at the club and there was a girl.
Now, it’s 3 am and I wish I had taken her home so I could forget you.
“Oh baby. I forgot to tell you.” said Ophelia sitting up in the bed “Your lady friend called this afternoon when you were napping.”
“Yeah?”
“What’s her name again ? I forgot…”
“Tegan.”
“Oh yes. She was worried, you should call her.”
“I can’t.”
“Why ?”
“Because Mama, I can’t.”
There was another buzz from her phone, and there was so many tears in her eyes that it took her half a minute to read the message.
I can’t even do that to you.
I want you. Whatever it takes.
She got up and went to her bathroom. She let herself fall on the floor and cried silently for half an hour. Then her phone buzzed with a call. Tegan. Again.
It took her ten more minutes before she decided to listen to the message.
“Hey it’s me.” she said and Annalise guessed how intoxicated she was at how her words sounded “After the funeral, when we were going back to your place, you were holding my hand and you told me you needed time. And I understood that. I’ve been where you are. But..I can’t… I can’t stand it anymore. You don’t have to do this alone. I can be there for you Annalise. Trust me. Let me in. I swear I will take care of you.”
Tegan stopped talking and sobbed for a moment.
“I am sorry for the texts…I…When I called this afternoon, I didn’t expect an answer. Your mother picked up and I didn’t know what to say…So I just asked her to tell you to call me. I guess I felt hurt that you haven’t answered me for a month and I wanted to hurt you. If you want me to stop loving you then tell me. Because I won’t stop until you say so…”
There was another pause, and Annalise heard Tegan breathe in the phone, her mouth opening and closing multiple times.
“I wish there was something I could do to repair you. I hope I will hear from you soon. I love you.”