Chapter Text
Tick tock. Tick tock.
Usually, if you and the rest of your friends were together, the room would never be this quiet. The second you guys walked into a private space together, someone would let out a joke or harmless snide, followed by laughter and a half-assed reply.
But not now, not when someone was missing from this circle of friendship.
Everything was still so vivid in your mind, in all of your minds. How you cheered after the attack in Marley could be considered a success, your arms wrapped around Sasha and teased her that she would be back to eat Niccolo's food — and then seeing him again, now with brown hair reaching his shoulders and a thin facial hair adorning his face.
There was an urge to tackle him with affection, you even let out a sob the second you laid your eyes on him in Marley. Though Jean assured you that there would be time for that. And with how your lover had his hands restrained within handcuffs and chains, you knew that now was not even the right time.
Those emerald eyes darkened when they fell on you, as if he was so disgusted by your mere presence. The excitement and longing that you felt were gone in an instant as you tensed up from his cold upbringing.
He was not hostile to anyone, anyone else but you.
With a heavy heart, you decided to just get back to the rest of your friends, letting Armin and Mikasa handle whatever would happen next. You could feel his emerald eyes weighing your body for every footstep that you took. But you never turned your face to him, afraid to see such emotion twirled inside his orbs.
What happened next felt like time passed in slow motion.
You closed the metal door, leaning your back as you took a deep breath. Connie was waving his hand toward you, laughter and cheers filled the room, and you could not help but smile, letting the joy of winning this attack seep into your heart instead of wallowing in worry of why your lover looked at you like that.
And then you saw it, little hands crawling up inside the airship. You saw it, when two familiar kids that you knew as warrior candidates infiltrated the place you were in. And you saw it too — the long rifle on her tiny hands, one eye closed as she aimed it at anyone, would be good if it was an important person.
You could not process what happened next after that.
Your feet brought you fast to your friends, ignoring how some of the soldiers looked at you with a question mark on top of their heads. You could not breathe, you were almost there, you just needed to push them all away and they would be saved.
Bang!
You gasped as you could feel the bullet grazing your hip. The pain was excruciating even for you, you felt it once leaving a hole in your arms back then inside Reiss Chapel, and now you felt it again. But thinking about your own injury was not your priority right now.
Your priority was to open your eyes and scan the faces of your friends. Connie was looking in your direction with jaw hanging slack. Jean had his pupils widened at the sight of you — and how your arms wrapped around Sasha's neck.
It was warm, suddenly you could feel a warm liquid seeping through your uniform at a rapid pace. A second later and crimson was now splattered upon your face as your friend choked out blood.
The next, her body went limp. The next, your vision was blinded with tears.
You pushed Jean away as he screamed at you to snap out of it, one hand gently touched your wound that you could not feel as your heart was ripped apart, even way more painful than the physical pain.
The night was not supposed to end like this, with the death of your comrade, with the death of your best friend. Meat, that's what she said. That was the last word that slipped from her lips.
It suited her. When you let the word roll down your tongue, it was so Sasha.
To remember someone as gluttonous as her even thinking about sharing the precious food all those years ago, you could only let out a bitter laugh.
Your fingers slipped in between her damped strands of hair, full of battle sweat. She loved it, saying that it made her feel secure, but only if you were the one who did that. No one else but you, not even the handsome chef.
You were supposed to do that with her head laying on your thigh, both of you rambling about what food Niccolo would cook for everyone once the airship touchdown safely in the Island of Paradis, home.
But it was not possible as the light in her eyes was forever gone, soon followed with pitch-black flooding your vision.
You let out a sigh to stop yourself from recalling the night even more. Your head was gently resting on Jean's shoulder, opposite you was Armin and Mikasa, both quiet as they were busy with their own thoughts.
"How is your wound?" Jean whispered as he knew how quiet it was in the room, didn't want to bother the others with the chit-chat. His question made your hand move subconsciously from your thigh to touch the bandaged side of your hip. "Is it still hurting?"
You chuckled softly at his question, which earned you a raised eyebrow from your friends as they were now focused on your direction. Not wanting to worry them, you raised one of your hands to dismiss their concern aside.
"I am fine, it was nothing." Clearing your throat, you tried to sound as sure as possible. "You guys knew I felt worse than this before."
Slipping a laugh from your lips, your friends were all having a thin smile on their faces. You were always the positive one, a naive — if they decided to go with what people said about you. Someone so pure and caring to everyone that she loved, yet if something endangered her loved one, she could turn into a monster.
"He didn't even say anything."
But the warm atmosphere only lasted for a few seconds.
"He knew that you were injured, that you lost so much blood too." Connie's eyes never left the windows in front of him, he was the only one who didn't smile at your attempt to loosen up. "But what?" You glanced at him, seeing how his hand balled into a fist. "That bastard Eren didn't even blink or care for you."
"Connie!"
Mikasa hissed at the truth that was being thrown in the air. She didn't know what angered herself more at this point. It was either how Connie insulted Eren for being apathetic, or his words that she knew too well left a sting of pain in your heart.
"Mikasa, it's al—" You stood up abruptly in an attempt to calm her down, but the pain jolted on your hips, making you gasp as you felt the wound stretch a little. She ignored Connie, and in an instance was striding beside you as her hand rested on your back, easing you to sit down again beside Jean.
"Don't rush. You are still healing."
The ravenette had her hands going up and down to distract you from the pain, Connie was silent for a while as he felt guilty for lashing out like that. You couldn't blame him, he lost half of his soul once Sasha took her last breath. You knew the pain, you were just better at hiding it.
Silence engulfed the room once again as your friends focused on making you feel better. You didn't want to worry them, and you could only curse at yourself for hissing out of pain like that before.
Connie was distressed, no. Everyone was distressed at this point for losing a dear friend. You knew at the back of their minds, they would think that this grief they felt right now would never exist if only Eren did not try to infiltrate Marley with the rest of the Survey Corps.
Well, that was true, but you felt like there was more to it. There must be a reason why your lover wanted to show up this night. Either it was just because he wanted to get revenge as fast as he could (a reason that you thought was enough to remember how emotional he used to be), or maybe it was just a start of a longtime plan, but you just believed that there would be a good reason for his doing.
"I am going to talk to him."
You voiced out your thoughts, and that even made Connie whip his face toward you. "He must have felt so lonely down there." With your head hanging low, fingers fiddling around the promise ring that was given by Eren after all of you reclaimed Shiganshina, you were making up your mind. "Maybe I could get him to talk, any kind of information would be important, right?"
Your friends looked at you as if you were crazy. Everyone could see how much he had changed. From a suicidal maniac, to now an empty, emotionless human. They even wondered if he was still human or not with how eerie his aura could be from time to time.
"Don't be stupid, he didn't even say anything when Captain Levi asked him." Jean scoffed as he straightened his back, perhaps wanting to intimidate you.
"Jean is right, with how unstable Eren is right now, we know if he wanted to, he would do something drastic." The soft voice that belonged to Armin filled the room, the gear inside his brain never stopped spinning to think of all the possibilities that might come if you decided to confront the long-haired brunette.
Mikasa stayed silent, while Connie felt like he needed to say something. But as his eyes landed on your pained expression, he decided to shut his mouth for now. He wouldn't say anything, at least not when you were around, not with how much you loved Eren and his words might make you sad even more.
"But I need to." You said out loud sternly, in the process, are demanding everyone to agree. "He loves you, all of you. But his love for me was not just a friendship or brotherhood bond." You squint your eyes a little as your words felt like you were trying to convince yourself. "It's romantic love." And it was stronger .
They gulped when they heard your statement. Even Armin could not argue that you might be the only one who could make Eren open up. You never pitied him, you were there to support, to cheer, to believe that he would be alright, even on the battlefield that was supposed to worry you with how low the chances of survival was.
And with how you treated him, the blonde knew that his best friend appreciated you even more than Mikasa. Because you treated him like a man, because you believed in his ability to manage a life and death situation, because even though you mourn with him while he was thinking about his mother, you were there to provide comfort, not to gaze at him with orbs full of pity.
"Even though we all agree to that," Armin paused, thinking for the right words. "How are you going to visit him? No one was allowed to go down there."
There was a smug smile tugged on your lips as you stood up, palms dusting your wrinkled clothes before walking toward the door. Your aura was reeking with confidence as if you had everything planned out. The blonde should have known by now. Whatever happened, nothing could actually separate you from Eren.
"Well, Armin, you knew that Hange had a soft spot for me, right?" You wiggled your eyebrows playfully, earning a little chuckle from your friend. "If only you guys showed interest too when they talked about titan, which is actually interesting despite their non-stop excitement, you all might get some extra privilege!"
Jean shook his head in amusement when he thought about it, you were the only one (except maybe Moblit — oh, Moblit, you missed that man) that could listen to Hange rambling about how magnificent titan was.
Mikasa and Armin only showed soft smiles for seeing your antics, while Connie just stayed silent and scratched his now (slightly) longer hair.
"Alright you suicidal girlfriend, go on then." Jean playfully insulted you, making you snort for it had been months since the last time you heard that nickname. "Just don't move around too much, walk like a proper lady."
"Bruh, even Historia walked like she stomped the ground anywhere she went." You rolled your eyes before settling your hand on the door's handle. "And she is the queen."
Jean snickered from your words before laying his back on the soft cushion. Somehow feeling at ease that the tension from before was now slowly replaced with a relaxed atmosphere. You hummed softly before opening up the door, now ready to search for Hange.
Hopefully, this plan will work out. Hopefully, he could open up to you.
"Alright, see you—"
"Be careful, okay?"
You jolted, slightly taken aback when Connie cut you off. Something was lingering there as he spoke, as if he knew something that you didn't know. It was like a warning, telling you not to let your guard down.
"My, my, Connie." You let out a soft chuckle and take a peek from your shoulder to look at your friends once more. "This is just Eren, he wouldn't do anything to me." Assurance, always tried to make everyone around you felt better. And you could see from the corner of your eyes that Connie's shoulders started to relax.
Gripping the handle a little bit tighter, you sighed before dazzling them with a wide smile. "Okay, see you guys later. Love you all!"
Your ears didn't find any answers from them. But the snort that you heard, and the little chuckle and a visible smile on their faces were enough for you to close the door behind with a soft click. Now you were ready.
〄
Once you left, the room was once again engulfed with silence. An impatient sigh slipped from Jean as he peered at the clock wall once again. It had been around an hour after you left. With how long you have been out, they were all sure that somehow you could get a yes from Commander Hange.
Though, he could not remember how it came to this . At first, they were all just talking about the war, the infiltration in Marley, or what Commander Pyxis thought about the plan. They were all sharing what they thought, everything was civil.
Until Connie asked, with terror in his eyes, whether Eren who was now locked behind the bar, was the same person that they all used to know. Jean knew that he should have kept his mouth shut, he should not have argued back to Mikasa.
But he was desperate, he wanted her to see the truth.
"That must be because he trusts us!"
Yet he knew, no matter how much Eren would stray into the darkness, even though sometimes there were times when she doubted, she would follow that man.
Just like you, sadly, just like you.
But you were so much more in another level of faith.
Both you and Mikasa put Eren on a pedestal. You were like his worshipper, giving your heart completely to the man with emerald eyes as if he was God. Praises would be sung, and no matter how your mind was a lot more rational than the ravenette woman, you would still believe him as the most devoted follower.
And Mikasa saw him as a saviour, extending his hand to her so she could keep on living. She believed that without him, she would have died a long time ago. To know that a man like Eren Yeager had not one but two powerful people who would gladly do anything for him, made Jean's blood boil.
"Mikasa," Connie whispered out, finally turning to face them all again. Even though Jean currently had his head hanging low, somehow he could see the terror in his friend's eyes. "What do you think Eren did when Sasha died? What do you think he did when he saw (Y/n)'s unconscious body with blood all over her torso?"
Mikasa was lost, it was as if she wanted to plug her ears so she could not hear what came next. "Do you think he cried? Do you think he was frustrated?" His voice was stable, yet everyone could hear the sorrow coated in his words. "He didn't even panic when he saw his goddamn lover with a weak pulse!"
"Connie, stop it."
"That bastard laugh, Mikasa! That bastard you called family dared to laugh when Sasha died!" And now the dam has broken. "I wonder what he found so funny. Which part of Sasha's death?" The water had flooded their mind, the truth once again made them question their comrades.
Connie did not want to break you even more, holding back his question before when you were there. And on top of that, he knew that somehow you could make them believe in Eren with how smooth you were with words.
He could see how you would stand up and hug him, he could hear your whisper of how Eren's laugh was something out of grief, maybe because that man remembering something beautiful from the past that made him mad at the universe. He knew that you would do anything to make sure they all still believed in Eren without force. Just by your words.
Maybe that was the reason why Connie spoke up now. Because he knew that Mikasa could never answer his question, so he could have someone to blame, so his selfish mind could at least unleash his frustration on someone else.
"Tell me, Mikasa." He continued, needing to release his sadness away by anger. "You know everything about Eren, right?" An answer would never slip from the woman, so he pushed, again and again. "Why did he laugh over Sasha's death? Why was he not even afraid that his girlfriend could be dead too?!"
Knock knock.
Connie gasped for air.
He leaned his back to the window, hands slowly went up to his head, nails scratching on his scalp as he tried to compose himself. No one knew who that was. And they immediately straightened up their posture as they waited for their guest to come in.
If it was you, you would just open up the door with a bang, as childish as you could get. They would see a smile and excitement beaming from you as you gushed at how glad you were to have a chance to talk with your lover. Your friends could see it all, knowing how predictable you were sometimes, especially when it came to Eren Yeager.
But they surely did not expect Commander Hange themselves to be the one behind the door. Jean, Mikasa, and Armin immediately stood up. Connie walked toward Jean before they were altogether given the surprisingly quiet commander a perfect salute.
"At ease."
This was scary. They all just got back from a traumatic infiltration with how their closest comrades died in the battle. The Commanders themselves gave them some time to relax, telling them that the report and meeting would be held tomorrow instead of right after their return.
So now, they were all questioning the same thing.
Why would Commander Hange have an expression that they would only show when the situation was deadly serious?
Armin's brain never stopped working, he tried to understand the situation by scrutinizing every detail that he could find from the veteran scout. Hange's body was still, lips shaped into a thin line as their eyes fell into the air. They didn't look at any of them, eyes empty as if they were trying to drain any kind of emotion out from their heart.
"This would be hard for all of you."
That was the first sentence that they said after a long pause. Breathe in, breathe out, blue eyes that belonged to Armin now could see the sweat and the tremble on Hange's hand. He could only swallow a huge lump as he waited for further information. "I shouldn't have let—"
The commander cleared their throat when realisation dawned upon them that they almost broke down in front of those who deserved to know the truth. Fast.
Everyone was now alarmed with how vulnerable their commander was standing in front of them. Hange that was never let anyone control their fear and emotion, now completely ruined with whatever guilt that seeping inside their mind. Everyone thought the same thing. "I am sorry."
They were broken.
Mikasa was now agitated. She wanted to push them for just spitting out the information. All she ever wanted was just rest, and with how the commander had something that they needed to share, somehow she doubted that she could get any rest soon.
"(Y/n)'s dead."
And now, she was sure that she could not even get any rest at all.
"I found her body already slumped on the ground."
She was screaming, a massive headache struck her as if it would split her head into two. Armin tried to calm her down, but it was no use with how panic his voice sounded right now, not even including the hiccup and sob that followed after as he finally processed the information.
Connie laughed like a maniac, thinking it was a joke. Now maybe he knew why Eren laughed when he heard Sasha's death. This was too painful to understand, too much to be taken in one night after everything that happened just a few hours ago.
And then there was Jean, who only had his legs wobbled a little.
"Where?"
Jean was the only one who dared to ask, who was still collected enough to push all the truth on the table. "Commander Hange, with all due respect. I needed to know. We needed to know." Even in between all the sobs and agonizing screams, the two scouts stared at each other with an unreadable expression on both of their faces.
"Commander Hange," He called out again, "Where did you find her?"
Silence.
Four pairs of eyes immediately flee toward the brown-haired scout.
They all indeed — needed to know.
"Eren's cell."
Everyone gasped, simultaneously. And they thought about the same thing, they were sure that someone tried to kill Eren and you were caught in between. They already had their eyes blazing with fire, ready to hunt down whoever dared to steal your life away.
Maybe a Marleyan, yes, or maybe some random soldier who had seen so many deaths on the infiltration that made them mad.
But the world was just as cruel as it was already.
They could only wish it were that simple.
"And there was no sign of someone breaking in."