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It’s four o’clock. Dina knows what she’s doing counts as day-drinking, but the thought doesn’t stop her from popping open the whiskey from hers and Ellie's secret cabinet.
Fuck it.
It burns all the way down, and she coughs. How the hell does Ellie drink this shit straight? Dina’s always been one to go for a mixed drink instead, but right now, she’s only drinking to get hammered. There’s no enjoyment in it. She takes another swig.
It hasn't hit her this hard in years- she's always been okay in some way or another, seeking out Ellie or Jesse or some form of escapism to distract herself from the day. Today, however, Ellie isn't home until later, and Dina has no work left to finish. JJ already got dropped off at his grandparents for the weekend, so it's not like she could even play a game with him or read a book together. There are no distractions left, and she knows from personal experience that that's when things get dangerous.
So she intends on blocking them out fully.
By the time she hears the door, it’s through a not-insubstantial haze of alcohol. Dina’s worked up a hell of a tolerance over the years, but there’s a lot to drink in the cabinet.
“Babe?” Ellie calls out. “I’m home.”
“Living room, c’mere,” she slurs back. The sounds of Ellie’s coat and shoes get a little more rushed, and she steps into the room a moment later. Her wide smile drops when she sees her wife lying on the couch, staring off into space.
“Are you okay?”
“‘M great, how’re you?” Dina feels Ellie sit down beside her, her hand landing on her leg comfortingly. She stares into the bottle, now a lot more empty. Still half full, though, or whatever that dumb saying is.
“I feel like something is wrong,” Ellie starts carefully. “Why the drinks?”
Dina sighs and falls into her lap, resting her head against the side of the couch. Ellie’s hand is in her hair seconds later, combing through it gently with her fingers.
Quietly, almost too quiet to be heard, she mumbles, “I miss everyone.”
“What do you mean?” She sounds concerned, a little worried, and God, Dina hates that. She knows she’s supposed to ask her for help sometimes, but making her worry more than she already does feels like-
It feels like something she’s not allowed to do. The kind of thing that has consequences.
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “Just sad.” Ellie’s other hand gives her hip a light squeeze, one of her small ways of comfort that Dina’s always loved. “I’ll be okay, it’ll go away soon.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet it will, you drank a lot,” Ellie says, her tone half-joking. Dina gives her a short laugh. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She does, but there’s always a small part of her that worries it’s not something Ellie can handle, that she should be putting her pain away quietly instead to make her life easier. Helping people makes Dina feel better, it always has, and if she can help Ellie, then most of the time she feels like she can be okay. Like they can be okay.
They’ve been working on this, though, since she came back. No more hiding things. No more pretending there’s no hurt when there is.
“Kind of,” she responds quietly. It still sort of feels like a lot to ask, but when she turns her body to look up at Ellie, she’s smiling a little, and then there’s a small sense of pride, too. They’re rebuilding this together, and maybe it’s the alcohol, but that’s so nice that it makes her tear up a little.
“Do you wanna do it now or wait until you’re sober?”
Dina hums in consideration and folds her arms over her chest. “Later. I wanna be smart with my words for it.”
“Okay.” Ellie leans in and kisses her on the forehead, then the tip of her nose, then her mouth, soft and sweet. Dina’s eyes flutter shut. She feels a little better already- not completely, not even close, but better. She also feels very tired. She doesn’t bother with opening her eyes again.
“You sleepy?” Ellie chuckles.
“Mhmm.”
“Alright.” Dina cracks her eyes open as she feels Ellie lifting her with a small grunt.
“What’re you doin’?”
“You’re not sleeping on the couch again,” she explains. “You’ll get back cramps.”
“You’re so nice,” Dina tells her, wrapping her arms around her neck as Ellie carries her to the bedroom. She’s tucked in bed warmly and Ellie gives her another kiss, this time on her cheek as she sits down next to her, tucking Dina’s hair behind her ear.
“I’d love to stay,” she whispers, “but I haven’t eaten yet and I need a shower, like, really bad. I smell like you.” Ellie makes a face, and Dina’s drunk enough for it to be really funny. She is, however, proud that Ellie’s not skipping her meals anymore. Makes her even better to cuddle with.
“I don’t smell bad,” she protests.
“You do when you’ve been out in the stables, you smell like horse shit.” Ellie’s laughing, though, and they both know it’s not mean-spirited. Dina giggles and snuggles further down into the sheets.
“Okay, go eat now. I love you, stinky,” she murmurs.
Ellie sighs, exasperated, but turns off the lamp and goes to leave. “I love you too, baby.”
The next morning, Dina wakes up to warm sunlight from the window and a headache that, while bad, is honestly not nearly as awful as she’d expected. She turns to see Ellie, hair a wild mess across her pillow and turned bright red by the light, looking peaceful in her sleep. That had been happening frequently now- they’d often joked that JJ had learned to sleep through the night before she had, and nowadays more often than not Ellie wakes up late like she did when she was younger, always telling Dina of a dream she’d had.
This is what Dina had wanted, what she’d thought after Seattle she would never get. It was truly like a dream some days.
If Jesse could be here to see it, he’d have been so happy.
Dina frowns. She just woke up, there’s really no need to make herself sad again-
But now she’s done it, and she’s remembering him. It’s hard enough to avoid the memories most days anyways (some days she sees her son and the force of it feels like being slapped- JJ is so much of his smile, his simple joy, his eyes and his stupid taste in jokes) but when it hits full force, when she’s not prepared-
It feels like a betrayal, and Dina knows that’s unreasonable. He didn't leave her, he never would do that on purpose. He was a good man.
Everyone always leaves her, though, whether they want to or not.
Tears prick at the corner of her eyes, and lying on her back, she holds a hand to her mouth to quiet her crying. This is why she was drinking, this is what she’d wanted to forget.
Ellie hadn’t even stayed.
At the same time as that thought surfaces in her mind, she hears her groggy voice next to her. “Babe? What’s happening?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what-” she tries. Ellie mumbles something and wiggles over to hug her, practically on top of her.
“Hey, ‘s okay,” she whispers, stroking Dina’s hair. “You’re okay, let it out.”
It takes her a minute, but she calms somewhat, breathing heavily and sniffling. She looks down at Ellie, who has propped her head in her hand.
“I think we should talk about it now,” she prompts gently. Dina sighs and smiles. “Why were you crying?”
“It’s kind of dumb,” Dina starts, but Ellie raises an eyebrow. Right, no dumb thoughts.
“Okay, complicated, then,” she decides. “I feel sad because I miss some people.”
“Who?”
Who? A lot of people. Jesse. Talia. Her mother, her father, even though she barely remembers him. Joel, even, because if he were here they might’ve had somewhere to go for advice- he had always been so good to Ellie’s friends like that. Some days it feels like everything she should’ve had has been stolen out from under her, and Ellie and JJ were the last things she had been able to snatch back.
“This morning it was Jesse,” she sighs. “Yesterday, though, it was Talia.”
“Is it the anniversary soon?” Ellie asks quietly.
“Today.”
She still remembers so much of it, but what she’s forgotten terrifies her. She remembers her choked gasps, coughing up blood in Dina’s arms, but she can’t quite remember the sound of her voice singing prayers. The pain Dina had seen in her eyes when she was dying is still with her, but not the exact curve of her smile. It’s like the books they find sometimes outside the walls, the important parts molded over and waterlogged until they’re illegible.
She had been thirteen. Thirteen, stumbling through the gates to Jackson starving and alone when she should’ve had a family to be with her, to keep her safe.
Thirteen was too young to lose them.
“Jesus, really? I’m sorry, I nearly forgot.” Ellie pushes herself up to face her properly, sitting with her legs half tucked under her.
“It’s okay, you don’t really have to remember or anything. It’s not a holiday,” Dina jokes halfheartedly.
“Yeah, but I want to remember with you. We’ll go out today, if you’re up to it. How does a lake trip sound?” Dina almost starts to tear up again. Every year since they’d been friends, Ellie had silently planned something for the day. A secret trip outside, a new game to share, even finding out about parties she normally hated going to but went to anyway because she knew Dina liked them. Dina had never asked her to look after her- Ellie had just decided, one day, to do it.
“That sounds great.” She smiles, and Ellie returns it, reaching out for her hand and twining the fingers she has left with Dina’s.
“Is that all?” Ellie asks.
“What?”
“All you were sad about. Was there something else?”
Dina opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to word a response. “No, there was something else too,” she admits.
The way Ellie cocks her head reminds Dina of a puppy, and it makes her smile despite herself. “What else?”
“Well…” Dina shakes her head. It still feels a little stupid. The rational part of her knows it isn’t true. “I was just thinking about a lot of people who are gone.”
“Yeah?” Ellie prompts.
“And… I don’t know, it sucks that they’re not here anymore.”
Ellie hums, rubbing her thumb on the back of Dina’s hand. “So you’re sad because of everyone being gone.”
“Yes,” she breathes, thrilled that she seems to get it. Saying it out loud feels like admitting to some kind of selfishness Dina usually tries to avoid. “I wish they didn’t have to leave.” She doesn’t end the sentence with “me” the way she wants to.
“Well, we can still remember them, right? That’s what Doc Schmidt and I are working on.” So she doesn’t fully get it. Dina’s heart sinks just a little. Life would be a lot easier if nobody ever had to actually tell anyone how they were feeling.
“It’s not the same, though.”
“Yeah, I know it isn’t.” Ellie’s eyes drop, and her smile becomes sadder, sympathetic. “We don’t really have any other choice, though.”
Dina turns to lie on her side and presses her lips together. Quietly, she repeats, “I wish they didn’t have to leave me .”
Realization dawns on Ellie’s face, and her mouth falls open in a quiet “oh”. She lies down facing Dina and drapes her arm around her waist, running her hands up and down her back softly. “So this isn’t really just about them being dead.” Dina shakes her head, partially blocked by her pillow, and twists her mouth in an effort to hold back tears again.
“Sometimes,” she admits, “it feels like… like they left me behind. Like it was on purpose and the universe is just out to get me.” She laughs bitterly.
Ellie doesn’t quite meet her eyes. “Yeah, I feel that.”
They lie there for a minute, Dina breathing deeply and Ellie comforting her in silence.
“Have I ever told you what I’m most scared of?” Ellie asks quietly.
“Scorpions,” Dina laughs, “because you’re a wuss.”
“I am not a wuss!” Ellie’s face reddens.
“You still call me if you find a spider in the house-”
“Shut up, shut up, they’re creepy, Dina,” she insists before groaning and putting her hand over her face. “No, I’m not most afraid of scorpions .”
“What is it, then?”
Ellie takes a deep breath. “I’m scared of ending up alone.” Her tone becomes much more serious, more vulnerable, and Dina slides a little closer to her. “And that- that scared me, really bad, for a long time. When Joel died-” she says this with only a small strain in her throat, and that, to Dina, is a testament to how far she’s come- “I thought that’s it, I’m never gonna have any family again . But it wasn’t.” She lays a palm on Dina’s cheek.
“It’s okay, and it’s so hard to deal with. Losing him fucking destroyed me, you know that. But you, you and JJ- I have you now, and it’s the best thing I could ever ask for. And I guess my point is that you’re never gonna be fully alone, okay? You have us.”
“And you’re basically allergic to dying,” Dina giggles weakly. Ellie grins.
“And I’m allergic to dying. So I’m never gonna leave you like that, okay?”
“It just feels like everyone abandons me,” Dina blurts out. Ellie first looks surprised, then guilty, then just sad.
“Is that… am I part of that?”
“... Yeah. Kind of.” The look on Ellie’s face makes Dina’s chest hurt. “But not- I know you’re back now, and I don’t want you to feel bad for something that’s in the past- it’s fine-”
“It’s not fine,” Ellie mumbles. “Don’t say you’re fine when you’re not.” She moves closer to Dina and wraps her in a tight hug.
“You don’t have to apologize again. I would feel even worse if I made you feel guilty over it,” Dina says into her hoodie.
“Okay, I won’t apologize, then. But I do want to say that I hate that I hurt you. And I’m never, ever gonna do anything like that again.” She kisses the top of Dina’s head and loosens her embrace a little, cupping Dina’s face in her hands.
“Do you hear me? I’m never leaving you again,” she whispers. “Never, Dina. I swear on my life.”
“I believe you.” Dina leans in and kisses her lips, a little chapped and tasting stale. It’s somehow still perfect. “Thank you, baby.”
“Hey, don’t thank me for doing my job!” Ellie grins. “I’m your wife, I’m supposed to make you happy.”
“I thought your job was to make me c-”
“Okay,” Ellie rolls her eyes, cutting her off, and Dina bursts into giggles. She waits a beat before she raises her eyebrows and asks, “Would it help if I did my other job right about now?”
“Probably, yeah.”
“Alright, then.” She leans forward and kisses Dina again, deeply this time in the way that still sometimes makes her weak at the knees, and when she pulls away she slides her tongue over Dina’s bottom lip. Ellie swings a leg over her, straddling her, and whispers into her ear in a rough voice, “That can be arranged.”
The rest of the day goes by smoothly- far better than Dina had expected. They pick up JJ at noon as planned and spend the afternoon preparing sandwiches and cupcakes with him, and keeping him from eating icing straight out of the bowl proves to be a two-woman job. The picnic they end up going on is wonderful, too- the sun, the lake and her wife and son with her, telling stupid jokes and making up stories. It’s the exact kind of distraction Dina had needed.
Later on, Ellie asks her to tell her and JJ about Talia, and Dina does. It’s hard to get the words out, and she cries, but it feels good. They trade memories of Jesse, too, and Ellie manages a few of Joel, more than Dina had expected. JJ is enthralled with them all and perks up when Ellie mentions an old museum she’d been to with his grandfather, forcing them to promise they’d take him someday, too- “it’s dinosaurs, Mama, please , we’ve gotta!”. Tonight, with her newest family, it feels for the first time like she still has her old one with her, too.