Work Text:
In one day, one day gray as the others, Todd who always wrote his feelings and his thoughts to try to get rid of them sat down at his chair in his side of the bedroom and wrote all that he was feeling these days. All that he was feeling about Neil’s absence. Wrote what he hasn’t told anyone, and maybe never will. He just wrote as if Neil would read it. Like he could read. The whole of it in the typewriter, because in that one he couldn’t undo that.
It ended being this:
My Dearest, Neil
I do not know if that was the most appropriate way to start this, do not think so but I don’t have any other idea. If you were here you may have known. Because you were amazing.
Today, it has already been a month that we received the news that you decided to leave us. I do not understand why, but know that you had your reasons and I wanted so much to have been there, just to try to convince you that it would not be worth it. To have stayed with you in your last moments. Hear what was going on in your very mysterious head. Being for you in such a complicated moment like you were for me in mine - like my birthday, that was probably the best of them until now or maybe forever. I would give everything to listen to you mutter once again your words in the play just one more time. However, I do not know if I could, knowing that it would be the last. What hurts more in me is knowing that if I had just one more last moment on your side I could not tell you what I thus want. I am not as brave as you Neil.
I know that you would not like to hear me mourn what happened. That you would like that I just move on and keep writing my bad poetry that you liked so much. Although I can not. My inspiration isn’t at my side anymore.
I never was fond of changes, I know that you have known that. Everything is changing so fast… so fast that I can not follow. I have not swallowed the biggest of all, so how can I survive the smaller ones? I can not even look to your side of our room. Even that is not like how you left. Your parents took everything. Everything but one thing. Charles succeeded in taking the book. Our Book. The Dead Poets Society book. He gave me in the day after the filch, saying that I needed more than the others. I think he knows… but honestly, I kind of do not care - you would be proud. Yet I just do not care because every time I look at it I thresh in tears, Neil. It remembers me so much of you. I have tried to read it once or twice. Howsoever, had to stop after a few words. It seems so wrong to read The Book outside the cave. Our Cave. The cave that we abandon after everything that happened, everything that has fallen apart. Did not have a single meet of the Society after all.
Even the literature classes are not what they were before because Mr. Keating was fired, I know that you would hate this as much as I do. So, they believe that he,… well, that he incentivized you to do that. Sorry, I can not name what you have done. I do not like the word. It makes so less about the wonderful person that you were. Returning to the subject of our Capitan, Cameron snitched him. He told about the Society, but this isn’t the reason that we do not go there anymore. The reason is that you can not go with us anymore - I say ‘us’ like if you could come back, and wanted, I would not be selfish and not take you all for me.
Neil without you I am so lonely…
Knox, Charles, Meeks, and the others try to make me company, to help me go through this. They can not because they do not know the truth - at least not all of them, as I have said before I think that Charles suspects - and will never know. Like you as well will never know.
Neil, the thing I most wanted to say to you in life, was that I liked you. Only it is not true anymore.
I love you. In the present. With purpose. Everything that I wrote was related to you. Once that you are not by my side. It feels like I do not have any reason to wake up the next day. Nevertheless, I wake with the annoying sound of the alarm clock, I get up, dress up and then go to class. Just because I know that this is what you would want. That I move on. I do not know if I will succeed, but I will try my best. Even if it looks like when you were gone, a part of myself - one that was really important, I just have not known that before - has gone too.
In the middle of the night, I still dream that someday you will go in that pesky door, with that pesky smile - that pesky smile that I love so much, that is going to be printed in my memory until the end of my days, supposing that amnesia did not fetch that before (if it fetches it would be pleased to have such an amazing work of art). Unfortunately, this dream is not real. It does not matter how much I desire that it all will be a dream. That you will wake me up because I will be late as always and tomorrow will still be the day of your opening in the play. The play that you gave your blood, sweat, and tears. If that would happen I would tell you how much I love you. Because rejection would be better than nothing, than one “Dammit Todd! I don’t feel the same way as you. I hope that we can still be friends” - you always with your mannerless mouth that I love so much. Because anything is better than the regret of not saying anything and you do not being here anymore.
So, Neil, I think that our history ends up here. At Least I can guarantee that it will be marked in my soul. While I live.
With all the love that fits in me, from the forever yours,
Todd Anderson.
PS.: I put lots of ‘I’s but if I correct it I will cry again, and you would not have wanted it. Foolish me, writhing here as you would read it…
**A couple of months later, 3 months from Neil’s death**
Neil’s mom goes to Welton Academy and asks to see Todd who was in a lecture. So she just waits for him. After his morning classes, she takes him to lunch with her in a different place, a restaurant which she liked and was close to the school.
They lunch, while they stayed on light topics, talked about his classes, school, the weather, everything that did not include, even remotely, Neil. After that Todd asks: “Miss. Perry, I do not want to be meddlesome, but would you mind if I asked what are you doing here? Because you do not look like a person who would come all the way here just to take me to lunch” He says done with the small talk and the awful silence that was followed.
“No, Todd, I don’t mind you asking that. And yes I’m not here just to take you to lunch, I’m here because I found something in Neil’s old bedroom.” She says just before taking out of her enormous handbag a piece of paper folded messily into four pieces. “I found this paper last week, and when I looked at it, it was intended to you and I had to bring it to you before my husband found it - also I’m sorry it was way too personal for me to read, but I was curious, maybe these could take me to why my son has done that…” The woman finishes with the eyes full of tears unfallen while giving it to him.
He reads, he reads every word, every comma, everything. It says in messy handwriting, Neil’s messy handwriting:
Todd,
If you are reading this, it means that:
One: I’m dead, I took my own life because I didn’t want to live encapsulated in my father’s world anymore, I was suffocating, like in your poem about the blanket? Remember? The one with the old man? The one with Walt Whitman? Including, that was unbelievably great. I loved it.
Two: Someone, probably my mom - because if it was my father he would have burnt it and pretended that I never was born - found it and took it to you. I’m thankful for this person because I needed you to read what I’m gonna write.
So Neil I’ll be succinct, I like you very much, but not like a friend. Like a lover. I can even risk saying that I love you, yeah that’s it. I love you. I’m feeling so better now that I said wrote it. Probably you do not feel the same way, but it’s alright. I couldn’t tell you these in life because I am afraid that you would not just reject me, but also run away from me. It’s what you do when you’re scared (truly, it’s kinda cute). I couldn’t tolerate having a life knowing that I made you run away. I’m not as brave as you thought right now, aren’t I?
You probably don’t understand why I took my own life. Don’t you? It has been disturbing you, isn’t it?
It’s not that I don’t like being alive, Todd. I like it, very much. In life, I have you, my mom, Mr. Keating, and the other boys of the society. But in life, I also lived afraid of my father discovering that I’m gay. In life, I live with the pressure of being someone that I’m not, that I don’t want to be, that I don’t pretend to be. A doctor… a straight doctor. That would have to be my role for life. I would be acting all the time, without in any moment being me. I just can’t. I expect that if you do not understand, just try to respect ok? It would make me very happy.
Now, about you. Never stop writing. You have a gift with the words. Take a course on it one day, write a book about anything. The world will be gifted with your amazing writing, it already becomes a better place just having you in it. So perpetuate it. Here go some ideas if you don’t know how to start, write about: the person you like, maybe about what you think when you look at the face of one poet (in this one, include pictures), about you (your feelings!!!), a fiction, a catch of poetry (like the one you keep under your mattress, yes I saw), tales, about the society, the boys or even about me. Write Todd, just that. Write about all the ideas I gave you and even more. You are great Todd. Believe me, I was your roommate, your friend, I lived with you all the time. I Love You.
So, Todd, I think that our story, everything ends up here. Do not feel guilty of not noticing anything before Todd, it will make me sad and feeling responsible about it. I’m very grateful for you, the boys, the society, and our Captain. And again, do not give up on Writing, NEVER. That is the only way to change the world, and everything you write is wonderful.
Loving you,
Neil.
After he reads it, Todd just puts the paper down breathlessly. He tries to give the letter back to Neil’s mom, but the woman just shoves his arm back like saying “He wrote it for you, you have to keep it”. She also adds just a tone above a whisper, probably thinking that he wouldn’t hear: “It’s not like he wouldn’t take it away from me if he found it at home…”. With ‘he’ Todd supposes that she is referring to Neil’s father, Mr. Perry.
After all, Ms. Perry pays for their lunch, not letting Todd pay for his, and they go back to school. When both of them arrive at school, Ms. Perry takes two more things from her handbag and gives them to him. One is a pile of branches with fake leaves, that after a better look the boy notices is the crown that Neil wore when interpreting Puck in A Midsummer Night Dream. The other is a paper full of numbers. Todd looks at the woman with questioning eyes after seeing that. “I believe that Neil would like if you kept the crown, at least. A memory of him… And the Mr. Keating phone number, you should not lose contact with him just because my husband decided to accuse him of something that isn’t his fault, but ours” she answers the silent question with a painful voice, but not crying.
“But,... the other phone number?” Todd asks. “Oh that is my number. I want to keep in contact with you. Since my boy liked you so much… Although it’s ok if you don’t want it.”. She says with a sad smile and uncertainty that the boy has never seen in an adult before. An uncertainty that did not matches with the other adults that he has met. An uncertainty that makes the boy fond of the woman and that fondness appears in the little smile that he shows when said that he also wanted to be in touch with the older woman.
After thanking and saying goodbye to Neil’s mom, Todd feels happier than how he was in a long time. Maybe he was starting to cope with the death of not only his best friend but also his lover.