Work Text:
"So," Shan Qinghua starts, pausing as he bites on a melon seed, "Cucumber bro, have you ever cooked for Bing-ge?"
Shen Qingqiu considers, before shaking his head. "No, and he cooks way better than me anyway." Thinking about it isn't necessary at all; he doesn't even remember the last time he's held a ladle.
His answer perks Shan Qinghua up; the light on his friend's is eyes enough indication that he's planning something idiotic. "Then—"
"No."
"Hear me out," Shan Qinghua insists. "What if you cook him something disgusting?"
Shen Qingqiu looks at his fellow peak lord as if he's grown another head. Cooking for Luo Binghe is another thing, but cooking something deliberately terrible for him? "Are you insane?"
Unfortunately, his insult has bounced off Shang Qinghua's melon seed-filled plump cheeks. "Play a prank on him! I want to see the capacity of Bing-ge's love for you."
"We don't exist for your entertainment."
"Well, technically…" Shang Qinghua drawls out, giving him a skeptical smile as if saying, you do exist because of me. Shen Qingqiu rolls his eyes. He isn't even as convincing as he thinks, considering he transmigrated as a lowly mob character in his own novel.
"And you still owe me. I won the bet, remember?" Shang Qinghua reminds him, and Shen Qingqiu curses, raising his folding fan to repeatedly tap his forehead. He already feels a headache forming.
During his stay in the Demon Realm, Shen Qingqiu has been collecting all sorts of hobbies. From planting fauna to teaching demon servants ancient texts, he has experienced them all.
Exploring the Northern Borders is also one of them. Shen Qingqiu is fascinated with the different beasts in the wasteland, and his title as the Demon King's husband is known well enough to repel treacherous demons. This means Shen Qingqiu can freely go around, but with Luo Binghe accompanying him more often than not.
The demon realm has a lot of similarities with the human realm, especially when it comes to having fun. Granted that most of these activities are considered illegal in the human realm, they are still worth spectating. He can't enjoy these types of things if he's in the Cang Qiong Mountain, knowing Qi Qingqi won't stop shooting figurative and literal daggers at him.
Shen Qingqiu is particularly fascinated with the demon realm's own version of cockfights, where demons pit their trained beasts against each other to bet on. His extensive knowledge of the novel usually helps him take the winnings every time, until Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky himself started to participate. And since they don't have use for monetary or material gain, they decided to have the loser obey the winner as their wager.
Unfortunately, the beast Shen Qingqiu gambled on lost the first round, and now he has to listen to whatever the stupid author has to say.
"And that's what you want? Torture my disciple?"
Shang Qinghua nods. "I want to see how much he's willing to take for his beloved shizun."
Oh Luo Binghe's willing, very willing. But Shen Qingqiu doesn't have it in his heart to torment his husband. If it was just something like adding vinegar to his drinking water, that sounded safer and more harmless!
Shang Qinghua must have seen the doubtful look on his face, so he adds, "It's not like you're gonna poison him. Just give him something so terrible that may or may not cause a minor stomach ache. His protagonist’ halo will surely help him get through it."
"But isn't it cruel if the first meal I made for him tasted bad?"
Shang Qinghua flicks empty seed shells at Shen Qingqiu's direction. "Fucking. Love. Struck. Idiot!" he says, emphasising each syllable with his precise seed-throwing. "Just let him have his way with you after! That always does the trick."
Shen Qingqiu scoffs at him, disgusted. "You're a pig."
"Yeah, yeah," Shang Qinghua stands as he dusts off his robes. "Let's do this."
"What? Now?"
"Yes, before my king calls for me." Shen Qingqiu mutters something that suspiciously sounds, who’s the lovestruck idiot now? but Shang Qinghua smartly ignores it.
Shen Qingqiu stares at the tiered boxes in his hands. On the top layer is a bowl of snow-white congee— Luo Binghe's signature dish. It looks like a carbon copy of Shen Qingqiu’s favorite meal, but that’s because Shang Qinghua helped him painstakingly recreate the appearance of the dish while using abhorrent ingredients. The white and fluffy congee rice is still present, but instead of tender minced pork, it is topped with a demonic beast’ flesh that was forcefully sliced by Xiu Ya due to its toughness. The cut portions also secrete slime every now and then. The scallions and shredded ginger are replaced by goosebump-inducing weeds once touched. Sheng Qingqiu is positive that those things only grow in the demon realm.
To ensure it isn't poisonous, Shen Qingqiu forced Shang Qinghua to taste test with him after cooking. Carefully avoiding the chunks and weeds, the two each took a small sip of the congee.
Shen Qingqiu visibly gagged and Shang Qinghua was brought down on his knees.
"Fuck." It's too much! Luo Binghe can't eat this abomination, it's too cruel!
"Shen-dada," Shang Qinghua held his shoulders forcefully, shaking him. The author still seemed to be feeling the effects of the congee, his face turning a shade of purple and green every two seconds. In his delirious state, he said to Shen Qingqiu, "You have to do this."
After those words, Shang Qinghua rushed to the bathroom, and has yet to come out. Shen Qingqiu sighs, readjusting the layered boxes on one hand while snapping his fan on the other.
The inner palace is empty and silent, save for the occasional echoes of pen scratching on paper. Luo Binghe must have been working on official business today.
"Binghe?" Shen Qingqiu calls out from the entrance, and Luo Binghe immediately looks up from his paperwork, his bright smile making Shen Qingqiu's heart feel heavy.
"Shizun!" He stands from his desk and strides towards Shen Qingqiu, nearly tripping on his feet due to eagerness. "You don't come around here often. Do you need anything?"
But before Shen Qingqiu can answer, Luo Binghe sees the layered boxes and automatically reaches out to take it from his hand."What's this?"
Shen Qingqiu hides his cough with the flick of his fan. "This master prepared something for you."
Luo Binghe looks at the box, his brain processing Shen Qingqiu's words, "Shizun did…?" He blinks rapidly, before whipping his head to turn to Shen Qinqiu. "Eh? You made something for me?"
Shen Qingqiu nods as he walks towards the low table on the corner of the room, unable to watch his husband's overjoyed face any longer. Luo Binghe obediently follows him, his official work forgotten in a snap.
Without the need of being prompted, Luo Binghe settles the box on the table and starts to prepare tea for the two of them. This gives time for Shen Qingqiu to remove the lid of the box and stare at his own creation.
It's scary how it doesn't have a horrible smell. It doesn't have a smell at all. Putting his fan away, he carefully removes the bowl and spoon from the box, and places them on Luo Binghe's side of the table.
"Shizun, you don't have to—" Luo Binghe tries to stop him, but Shen Qingqiu shakes his head.
"Let me take care of it." Let this master take care of his precious disciple. After all, the one who will be suffering in the next few minutes is you!
Luo Binghe takes a seat in front of him, expertly serving them tea. Shen Qingqiu can feel him being fidgety though, unable to contain his excitement for the meal.
"I made congee," Shen Qingqiu says, stating the obvious. "I figured if it's something simple, it's impossible to mess up."
Luo Binghe smiles at him, shaking his head. "Whatever Shizun prepares I'm sure it's perfect." Shen Qingqiu wants to scream at his enthusiasm. Stop raising your own death flag, Luo Binghe!!
"But, if this disciple may ask..." he suddenly looks at Shen Qingqiu reluctantly. "Why did Shizun do this?"
Shen Qingqiu grabs his fan to softly flick Luo Binghe's temple. "Do I need a reason to spoil my husband?"
At the word husband, Luo Binghe nearly flings himself on Shen Qingqiu, but is stopped by an unyielding palm on his face. "Shizun..."
"Eat, eat. Before it gets cold." Shen Qingqiu pats his face, urging him; he wants to get over this farce as soon as possible.
When Luo Binghe picks up the spoon, Shen Qingqiu can’t bear to look at him any longer and covers his face with his fan. He hears the spoon dipping on the bowl and shuts his eyes.
"This is…" Luo Binghe starts, and Shen Qingqiu fans faster. "Very delicious, Shizun!"
"Eh?" Shen Qingqiu snaps his fan close to see Luo Binghe eating the congee with a blissful look on his face.
“You like it?”
Luo Binghe nods, taking another bite, visibly chewing and swallowing the food that should be inedible, at the least.
"You're not pushing yourself?" Shen Qingqiu asks, and Luo Binghe shakes his head as if offended.
"No, of course not! I love Shizun's cooking."
Shen Qingqiu continues to stare, closely watching his husband’s happy face. Is this considered a gourmet food for a Demon King? Does Luo Binghe have a different palate from him all this time?
Then, Shen Qingqiu sees it. The sweat forming on Luo Binghe's brows, the green and purple blotches that come and go on his cheeks, the goosebumps on his hands...
This is a serious case of food poisoning!
Shen Qingqiu shouldn't have been surprised that Luo Binghe is pretending to like his cooking. This child will gratefully accept anything his master will offer him, regardless be it a beating or a pat on the head. He feels his chest tighten at the reminder, and internally slaps himself for agreeing to this prank.
"Binghe, stop eating. It's making you sick." Shen Qingqiu says, but Luo Binghe continues to stuff his mouth with the congee, suddenly acting defiant. He notices that the mark on his forehead is slightly glowing, and when he reaches out to touch Luo Binghe's forehead, Shen Qingqiu feels it scalding hot, as if he's been in a sauna for a long time.
"You're not going to listen to this master?" Once those words are out, Luo Binghe slowly puts down the spoon, but is still unable to let go of the bowl.
"But it's really delicious." Luo Binghe would have been more convincing if Shen Qingqiu had not realized he's having a high fever.
"Then let me have a taste."
Luo Binghe shakes his head, and subtly angles the bowl away from Shen Qingqiu's reach. "...No."
"Why?"
He purses his lips like he's struggling to find an excuse, before saying, "One bowl is barely enough for this disciple. I'm afraid I'd have to inconvenience Shizun for a refill if you take a sip from it."
"..."
This husband of his is just too shameless! Lying through his teeth like that, even going so far as to request for another serving to prevent Shen Qingqiu from eating the horrifying substance himself.
Sighing, Shen Qingqiu pulls on Luo Binghe's arm, gently tugging it away from the bowl. Luo Binghe looks conflicted, unable to stop him from doing so. "Stop forcing yourself. I know the food is bad. It's a prank."
Luo Binghe looks visibly confused. "A prank…?"
"It was your Shang-shishu's idea."
At Shen Qingqiu's confession, Luo Binghe stares at the bowl with an indescribable look. "Shizun didn't make this?"
"I did, but I intentionally made it inedible. Did you really think my culinary expertise is that bad?"
Luo Binghe seems to sigh in relief for some reason, but he refuses to answer, so Shen Qingqiu continues, "Your Shishu wants to know what your reaction is going to be if I cooked for you and the food didn't turn out great."
He moves over to Luo Binghe's side, and wipes the sweat on his forehead while fanning his face. Thankfully, the effects of the food poisoning immediately died down once Luo Binghe stopped eating. Hurray for the protagonist’ halo!
"This master lost against him in a bet, so I couldn't refuse. I'm sorry you have to suffer for it."
Luo Binghe shakes his head, clasping Shen Qingqiu's hand. "It doesn't matter, Shizun. It's still your cooking, so that makes me happy."
Shen Qingqiu lightly hits him with the fan, reprimanding him. "Don't be happy with such disgusting food!" Then, he snaps his fan open, hiding himself behind it. "Open the second box."
Luo Binghe turns at the discarded tiered boxes on the side and realizes he hasn't bothered checking the contents of the bottom layer. Carefully opening the lid, his nose is greeted by the scent of delicious-smelling food. In it is a deep plate filled with stir-fried rice mixed with colorful vegetables and juicy meat.
"...That's my real cooking," Shen Qingqiu mutters, shutting his fan. "I decided to go with fried rice since it's hard to mess up. The vegetables were grown here together with the bamboo plants, but I've tried them and they're decent. We still have pork left in the kitchen so I used that. The seasoning might be—"
Shen Qingqiu stops himself from talking any longer, coughing to hide his embarrassment. "Anyway, Binghe doesn't have to try it now. Your stomach is still upset."
"I'll eat it now!" Luo Binghe declares, lifting the spoon and plate from the box hurriedly but carefully, afraid that Shen Qingqiu will try to stop him if he doesn’t quicken his pace. Shen Qingqiu waits with bated breath as Luo Binghe takes his first bite.
Luo Binghe chews the food slowly. Suddenly, his eyes widen, then he starts to inhale the meal at a faster rate compared to the time he was eating the horrible congee.
"Slow down! You'll end up choking," Shen Qingqiu admonishes Luo Binghe, stroking his back to calm him down. He opens his mouth to scold him once more, but when he looks at him, he sees tears overflowing from Luo Binghe’s eyes.
"Why are you crying!?" Shen Qingqiu exclaims, the shock of seeing his husband cry over his legitimate attempt at making a meal has him panicking. Is his own cooking much worse than the poisonous congee?
"It's so delicious, Shizun," Luo Binghe says, words muffled by his chewing. Large teardrops trail his cheeks as he takes a mouthful again.
The fried rice reminds Luo Binghe of the past. When his mother was still sprightly and about, she would cook fried rice whenever she got extra income from a job. The vegetables were from leftovers from the house they're currently serving and there's no meat, but the rice was always freshly cooked and steaming. Luo Binghe remembered blowing puffs of hot air, cheeks puffy and tongue burnt from eating a ladleful of rice at once. The ingredients back then were far from being high quality compared to what Shen Qingqiu has made for him, but why does it taste so nostalgic?
He must have looked ugly now. But he can’t stop eating while crying, sniffing from time to time to avoid snot from coming out. When he looks at Shen Qingqiu to apologize, his heart suddenly stutters in his chest at the sight.
Shen Qingqiu is watching him with the gentlest of expressions, a small smile on his lips, admonishing yet fond. "Don't talk while you’re eating, and don’t cry over such a little thing.” He carefully dries Luo Binghe’s cheeks with the sleeve of his robes, uncaring whether it’ll get dirtied or not. “This master is happy that Binghe finds it delicious. I will cook for you more, okay?"
"Really?"
Shen Qingqiu hums, patting Luo Binghe's head. "Anytime you want. No complaining if it's bad, though."
Luo Binghe nods, before finishing his meal in silence. Shen Qingqiu’s words must have reassured him and starts to eat at a leisurely pace, savoring the dish more slowly. Shen Qingqiu smiles approvingly, sipping his tea as he waits for Luo Binghe to finish.
Once he’s done, he meticulously puts back the dishes in the tiered boxes, before turning to Shen Qingqiu. “I’m still hungry.”
"Then I'll make you another one." Shen Qingqiu prepares to stand, but Luo Binghe grabs his wrist.
"I want to eat Shizun next," Luo Binghe clarifies, pulling him until Shen Qingqiu is on his lap. He kisses him with intent, licking into Shen Qingiu’s mouth, breathing in his surprised exhale as he deepens their liplock. Shen Qingqiu wraps his arms around Luo Binghe’s neck and starts to kiss back, before suddenly pulling away.
“Shizun, what’s wrong?” Afraid that he must have done something bad, he cups Shen Qingqiu’s cheeks, gently coaxing his husband to face him.
Shen Qingqiu’s face has turned into a shade of green, and sweat starts to dot his forehead. With great difficulty, he says, "...You should rinse your mouth first.” The protagonist’ halo is indeed only for the protagonist, the fake congee has made Luo Binghe’s mouth poisonous for anyone who kisses him!
“Shizun, don’t die!!!”