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It was supposed to be a one-time thing, what happened with Benny. Expecting more, wanting more, was foolish, dangerous, even. It always led to pain, and not the sort that Crowley liked.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“You okay, chief?” Benny asks softly, but the words are loud in the dark hotel room, or maybe they just feel loud to Crowley, because no one’s ever asked him that before, like this, while holding him as though he’s something worth holding onto, as though he’s someone who’d be missed if he pulled away.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“I’m fine,” he growls—he isn’t, but there’s a comfort in the lie, its simplicity, its ease. It’s better this way, Crowley tells himself; it’s better if he doesn’t let this go any farther than it has.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“You’re not,” comes Benny’s sure reply, and before Crowley can protest, Benny’s tugging, rolling him till they’re facing one another, and the way Benny’s eyes search his feels a lot like being burned.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“It doesn’t matter,” Crowley mutters, and drops his gaze, because he won’t—he can’t let Benny see the truth. He won’t let Benny, can’t let anyone, have that power over him. Crowley won’t—he can’t—
He never thought that it would get this far.
“It does,” says Benny, and the blankets shift, and then a cool hand is cupping Crowley’s chin, tilting it upward into a kiss, a brush of lips so tender and soft that Crowley has to bite back a sob.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“Why?” Crowley all but gasps as Benny climbs atop him, and Crowley tries to cover his face but Benny just takes his wrists and pins them gently to the pillow. He kisses Crowley deeper, almost reverent, and Crowley feels himself drowning in how good it feels, how right.
He never thought that it would get this far.
“Because you matter,” Benny murmurs against Crowley’s jaw. “Because you deserve to know you matter. Because I love you, yeah, and you deserve that, too, and if you think you don’t—”
Crowley never thought that it would get this far…
“—think again.”
…but now he stops thinking altogether.