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She remembered the first time she had ever cried.
There was no winter in the Tokyo-3 that she knew. But that night a draft lingered, it stood amongst the four walls of her room and left her cold.
Rei could not sleep. It wasn't uncommon for her to be awake in the dead of night, staring mindlessly at the ceiling.
It was different this time. Her mind was running, thinking. Her dreams were filled with everything new she had experienced, and what it felt like to be happy.
"Happy". Rei pondered on that word, and dissected just what it meant to her. She couldn't name very many times that she distinctly felt "happy". Only a few could come to her mind- when Gendo rescued her from her entry plug. When Shinji rescued her from her entry plug. When she tried garlic ramen for the first time. It felt foreign to her to be content. She was replaceable. She was a doll. She was to do as Gendo said, and pilot the Evangelion. Without it, she'd be nothing.
But something within her made her wonder, if maybe she was something.
It went against everything she was taught. She should be grateful for what little she had. It had always been good enough for her, a life alone and in concrete confines. But somehow it wasn't anymore.
Asuka taught her what nicer clothes felt like. What other people were like, outside of school and NERV. How it felt to paint your nails, or what a hug felt like. She taught her what it felt like to laugh. She had learned how to love.
It felt so wrong to want more from her life than what she had been given. It felt so wrong to feel. She didn't deserve it. It isn't part of her purpose. But she did, and it felt like a knot in her stomach. She sat up, looking over at the dresser near the foot of her bed. She saw her reflection in Gendo's shattered glasses, her red eyes glossing over the cracks in the lenses. She shifted her gaze to Asuka's red watch. She had given it to her "to help her remember the time so she wouldn't be so late to lunch." She never wore it, but instead kept it nearby so she could look at it and think of her. And in the reflection on the clock, she saw tears falling down her face.
Oftentimes she would have dreams where she'd see the sun, close enough to know that it's warm but too far away to feel it. She'd follow it, trekking through hills and climbing up clouds until she finally was close enough to reach out to it. And when she did, she'd find herself awake with a face covered in red hair. Asuka was holding her in her sleep, her arms draped around her protectively. And Rei felt comfort.
"It wouldn't hurt to smile, you know." She remembered Asuka scoff after school one day. Rei didn't know what time was considered the right time for smiling, so she never tried. But nevertheless, she was ordered to smile. And Rei never disobeyed an order.
Rei tried her best to give what she considered a "natural" smile, not too strong but enough to where the corners of her mouth upturned.
She looked at Asuka, waiting for her approval. But instead she only stared at Rei, her face tinted pink underneath her freckles.
"Was this adequate?" Rei asked.
"Yeah, sure, whatever..." Asuka fumbled as she tightened the bow on her uniform and looked away.
Rei thought that maybe she should smile more often.
She thought about the time Asuka held on to her so tight, that it felt like she wouldn't ever let go. She remembered her crying into her shoulder while Rei slowly rocked back and forth. And as her tears started to let up, she looked up at her and said,
"Why do you love me?"
They both sat for a moment, silent apart from the sounds of Asuka's labored breathing and sniffling.
And finally, Rei said,
"Without you there'd be no meaning."