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Phupha prays that this moment will last longer.
Standing in front of Tian, looking deep into his eyes, seemingly for the last time before the other will fly abroad to continue his studies, Phupha does not know what goes on in his mind and heart. Emotions are overwhelming and mind-boggling, drowning him in an abyss, suffocating him to the brim. What he can pinpoint at this moment is the fear of losing Tian to the stars, to the sea of people he will meet on his new journey, to the hopeful tomorrows that he oh-so-badly wants to spend with Tian and no one else.
He wishes that he can stop Tian from going. He wants to be selfish for once and prohibit the latter from leaving, but he knows best. Tian has a bright future ahead, and if he chose to stay in Pha Pun Dao, even though it will make everyone happy, what about Tian himself? Will he be proud of his choice to continue living with the villagers without crafting and shaping his forthcoming?
"Chief," Tian calls ardently. His eyes are watery, and his lips are quivering. It is a breathtaking sight amid the flashes of anguish erupting in those orbs, and it will always render Phupha breathless.
But something is stuck in his throat, so bitter and tightening that he finds it hard to breathe or even think. The air does not reach his lungs entirely, making his chest heaves up and down hectically, but Tian's warm palm on his cold, beating heart washes the pain away in a blink.
Tian gazes at the screen, looking at the approaching departure time with a heavy heart. His vision blurs as Phupha smiles at him blindingly, "Good luck, Tian," the chief says, trying his very best to mask the sadness in his voice with fake, manufactured cheeriness. "I am sure your future will be bright. I will root for your success,"
Tian heaves out a sigh, but the smile on his face is astonishing, and Phupha remembers the stars they counted together a few days ago. All of those silvery, glittery luminous spheroids have found a new home, and it is in Tian's eyes. Phupha will never forget how beautiful and spell bounding Tian is, inside and out.
"Thank you, chief," Tian replies, but his eyes are hesitant, sadness is blaring from his caramel orbs, and Phupha's heart is screaming at him deafeningly; do not let him go.
He gulps the despair with so much difficulty and says brokenly, "Well, this is a goodbye then."
Phupha hates how his words impacted Tian powerfully because now, the stars in his eyes are disappearing one by one, the vivid glint dies down as dark crystals pool regretfully in those orbs. Guilt is eating the insides of his chest, leaving burnt patches all over his system.
"Hm," Tian hums, his voice shattering, and Phupha's heart is breaking into clouds of dust.
Letting go of someone you love can be painful, but love needs sacrifice. At times, love means to let them fly high, allowing them to escape the shell guarding their curious souls and faithfully wait for them to return into your arms when the time comes. Letting go hurts the most when there are no promises of forever tying them together. But when we finally learn to set them free, when we accepted and opened our hearts to let them go, it will not hurt as much.
Phupha pulls Tian closer, discarding the agonizing distance between them, circling his hands around the other's waist skillfully and engulfs the teacher in a hug. They fit so well with each other, like yin and yang, stardust and moonlight on the night sky, harmonizing to one another's heartbeat, eternal soulmates for every life they had lived. Tian's body completes his; every skin and bone compliments his figure so painfully well that it hurts to know he will not be hugging Tian in his tomorrows anymore.
Tian still smells like their shared shampoo and body wash, a concoction of mint and lemon, blending perfectly with the lingering scent of blooming red rose; his heart no longer beats in his chest. Phupha feels numb to the core as he tightens the hug, leaving butterfly kisses at the side of Tian's head, hoping that his imprint will last forever on the other's skin.
He breaks away from the hug, but his arms are still around Tian's waist, and the other does not let go of him too. Tian rests his hands on Phupha's shoulder, and he surprises himself as the welling tears in his eyes remain stagnant. Amid the haze swimming in his orbs, he still sees the mesmerizing glint in Tian's eyes and how he wants to stare into them until he exhales his last breath.
"Take care," Phupha utters, letting all the walls he had built crashes helplessly to the ground.
"I will," Tian answers, smiling at him.
"Do not forget to take your medicines on time,"
Chuckling, Tian nods, "I will,"
"Do not skip meals. Eat healthily, exercise regularly, study well for your exams, okay?" Phupha says lightheartedly, loving the sweet and buttery smile painting Tian's features in shades of gold and red, replacing the blue and grey sadness on his face previously.
Saluting, Tian acclaims excitedly, "Understood, Chief Phupha!"
Laughter fills the air, and Phupha feels so alive and acquits and in love all over again.
Then, the thought hits him, abruptly but all-welcoming.
Phupha wants to say it; those three words, those holy syllables, those sacred vows and promises, but it will only guard them down, forbidding them to run free. If those words escape his sinful lips, Phupha does not know if he can handle the torment of missing Tian. If those words left his heart, Phupha knows he will not go through this separation alive.
Somehow, magically, Tian knows all the thoughts that circulate in his mind. So, he waits. Tian waits for him; hopeful eyes are expecting something from Phupha, anything that will ease the ache in his heart when he leaves Pha Pun Dao as of today.
Phupha is breaking more and more fort covering his heart, crossing every boundary, bursting his bubble of comfort as he found the courage to confess, "I love you."
The whole universe lights up in magnificent radiance of crimson and yellow as Tian smiles with his heart and soul. It is too much; Tian is glowing stunningly under the white fluorescent lights, imitating the glint of the stars viewed from the Pha Pun Dao Hill, and Phupha lets the picturesque view of Tian sink into every fibre of his being.
Tian hugs him again, warm and fuzzy and gooey feeling in his chest are foaming up into a knot of forever. Tears are cascading from his eyes, and he feels the same heated damp on his shoulder as Tian laughs while in tears, joyfulness and relief resonates through his velvety voice.
"I love you," he pauses, sucking the air crisply, "I love you too, chief," Tian whispers with all his heart, and Phupha can hear the sheer jubilation in his tone, the satisfaction, the gratitude, the alleviation all at once.
He wipes the tears away from Tian's eyes, staring deep into his soul for one last time, edging the almond-shaped beauty in his mind before it becomes another memory for him to ponder before succumbing to dreamland.
"I will never forget you, chief," the teacher utters sincerely, smiling at him, pouring all the love he has from his eyes, granting Phupha the VIP access to his heart and mind.
Delicately, Phupha draws loving circles on Tian's fluffy clouds, savouring the tingle on his skin into his gallery of thoughts as he discloses, "let the time prove everything for us, Tian."
If we are the star-crossed lovers written in those fairytale books, and if the red string of fate connects us into a declaration of eternity, we will find our way to each other again.
Tian walks away from him, waving happily and merrily, heading towards a new path and awaiting opportunities with confident steps trailing behind him.
As the silhouette of Tian disappears into the crowd of people, the sight of Tian fading away with every passing heartbeat, Phupha feels the immense pain of missing someone he truly loves right here and then.
Khama invited the Phaphirun unit for a feast tonight as they had finished with their patrolling.
Phupha observes the array of dishes prepared on the bamboo mat; stir-fried kale and omelette are there, and those are some of Tian's favourite dish. He smiles, recalling the taste of Tian's burnt omelette on his tastebuds, their skins brushing and grazing as they were cooking together, with Dr Nam fleeting away before he could witness their endless bickering sessions for the nth time. Oh, how he had missed Tian.
"Chief?" Rang calls, and his reverie breaks instantly.
"Yes?" He answers, quirking his eyebrow questioningly.
"Are you not going to eat?" Yod asks, handing the plate of stir-fried kale to his hands.
"I will," he sighs heavily. Yod and Rang exchange glances, but Dr Nam brushes them off with a knowing smile.
Phupha accepts the plate from Yod's hands, scooping a spoonful of the vegetable and taking a slice of the omelette, placing them next to the mountain of rice.
Dr Nam pats him on the back reassuringly, and Phupha appreciates the gesture more than he can express with a smile.
He gazes at the stars, wondering if Tian still enjoys eating Pha Pun Dao's stir-fried kale and omelette from where he resides now.
"Tian, what is for dinner?" Tul approaches him, looking over his shoulders to see the familiar-looking dish in the pan.
"Are we eating stir-fried kale again?!" Tul acclaims dramatically, wiping his face in defeat and stomping his feet in dissatisfaction.
Tian laughs at his best friend, elbowing his waist teasingly, "if you do not want to eat this, then you should do the cooking!"
"If I have the ability of cooking like a professional chef, we would be eating steak every day!"
"Then, learn how to cook, asshole!"
Tul laughs, and Tian smiles at his best friend. When he looks at the dish, his heart hurt, but it is a bearable kind of hurt, and Tian will not give it up for anything.
Tul takes the plate from his hands and sets them down on the table, placing the fine china next to the omelette. "It is okay. I will eat this until the day you learn how to cook other dishes,"
Tian takes a seat where he can see the far-flung sky and exclaims playfully, "in your dreams!"
He gazes at the stars, wondering if Phupha still eats the same dish he once cooked for the other like he does every day.
According to Yod, the next volunteer teacher will arrive today.
The house was tidied and cleaned, as reported by Rang, and Phupha smiles at him thankfully. Whenever he sees the house, all he can ever think of is Tian. Everywhere he goes, Tian fills up his mind as if he is always here with him, and it is one of the reasons why he does not go to the house anymore after Tian's departure.
The volunteer teachers that came after Tian were all nice, but they are not Tian. Some were passionate to teach, while others did not even last for a day, and many of them left before they started teaching. Maybe it is a given, only the strong and honest will stay, just like Torfun and Tian.
Phupha sincerely hopes that this time, the teacher will last long.
Ayi, Khaoneung, Kalae, Meejo and Inta are hoping to meet their favourite P'Seetian again someday.
Deep down, Phupha wishes that he will meet Tian too.
From afar, he sees the jeep approaching the grounds of the house, and Phupha braces himself for the worst.
The jeep stops right in front of the porch while Phupha busies himself with non-existent things to do. He feels nervous suddenly; a tint of goosebump arises on his skin as he hears the door slams close.
"Chief Phupha! Here is our beloved volunteer teacher!" Yod exclaims loudly, gleefully, eagerly. Beloved? Curiosity ripples inside of him, and Phupha turns around immediately to see for himself.
Every night, before going to bed, before ending the day, his prayers will always consist of Tian. It has always been Tian; from the beginning to the end, there is only Tian, Tian, Tian. Although Tian has left Pha Pun Dao, he never leaves his mind. He is always there, in his wake and dreams, in his thoughts and prayers, in his memories and remembrance.
How can the universe work so well for them?
"Chief,"
It is Tian.
Tian, the ever so beautiful Tian. Tian, the one that he loves with all his heart.
Tian is standing in front of him, wearing the same blue, white, and red striped shirt from the first time they met two years ago.
Words no longer making sense in his chaotic brain; the thunderous heartbeat is ringing in his eardrums. He feels the hot, thick blood oozing out from his chest, but who knows? Maybe it is all in his imagination? Phupha starts to question if he is living in this moment and breathing, or is this one of God's ways of healing his broken heart.
Tian looks breathtaking, elusive, and so painstakingly far from his grasp. But he is here, standing tall and strong and downright handsome, hair slightly parted and gelled, and the scent of mint and lemon blossoms like yellow daisies, flaring his nostrils in contentment.
It took a while for Phupha to process the events unfolding in front of him, to believe the Tian he sees right now is not a fragmented dream he had every night, and he is not hallucinating.
"Chief?" Tian asks, and when Phupha searches for the voice, the other is only a few inches away from him.
He is not dreaming.
Yod coughs out the awkwardness and announces, "okay, I will leave to check on Rang. Welcome home, Mr Tian!" The ranger starts the jeep and leaves the house, giving them all the space they need. He smiles, thanking God for reuniting the chief and the teacher again.
"T-Tian," Phupha stutters, his fingers are reaching for Tian, wanting to touch him, feel him, afraid of his vision messing up with his turbulent mind. "Tian?" he cautiously calls, never feeling as desperate as he is right now.
Tian smiles at him and places the chief's awaiting fingers on his cheek. The burn, the spike, the electrocuting bliss zaps endlessly in Phupha's heart, and oh God, it is happening. Tian is here, in front of him, all real and alive.
"Tian," he breathes out all the agony, the sadness, the longing buried deep in his heart as he kisses the open palm tenderly, loving how his lips are prickling with every delicate peck on soft skin.
He hears the other giggling, and his shattered heart mends again.
"It is me," Tian assures, all the while smiling at the man of his dreams and reality.
Without thinking much, Phupha pulls Tian into a hug that feels way too familiar and foreign at the same time. The void in his heart disintegrates as the smell of home invades his senses, eliciting all memories shared between them. And, right away, Tian melts into his embrace, resting his lips close to his reddening ears and whispers sincerely, "I am home."
Tian misses gazing at the stars from the grounds of Pha Pun Dao so much.
Being abroad was not as fun as he thought it would, but Tul was there, and the longing was bearable because wherever he goes, the stars will always bestow upon him, and he feels as though Phupha was watching over him all the time.
But now, when he is close to Phupha, sitting on the hammock at the Phaphirun unit, listening to the calm breeze and the chief's steady heartbeat, Tian feels the years of yearning worth more than a thousand stars combined.
Phupha still looks as handsome and dashing, possibly more mature than he was two years ago. In whatever version the chief appears to be, his heart will race all the same.
"Chief," Tian calls as he rests his head on Phupha's broad shoulder, entwining their fingers together, the same sensation sparkling in his chest as the other kisses his knuckles as a response.
"Did you miss me?" he asks, out of genuine interest, "because I missed you," a lot. He intends to continue but stops midway, wanting to hear Phupha's answer instead.
Phupha huffs a light chuckle, resting his head against Tian, "I did, a lot,"
Find happiness in the smallest things; he remembers the line from Torfun's diary and how her words affected him deeply up to this day.
"But from what I heard, you were flirting with all the previous teachers. Care to explain, Chief Phupha?"
Phupha laughs, boisterous and distorted and roaring in his eardrums like music, "who told you?"
Feeling offended, Tian pushes the chief away from him, breaking their once-connected fingers, "oh? So what Yod told me is true?"
If only Tian can wipe the smirk off from the green giant's handsome face, he will be glad to do so. But, Phupha looks at him, ebony-coloured windows are flaring up in softness and so much love and intensity, he feels vulnerable and hopeless.
"They started it. I was only playing along,"
"Chief!"
The laugh that falls from Phupha's thin lips affects him in ways that he can never imagine. And when the other pats his head lovingly, zero thoughts are available in his mind.
"I was just joking," the chief states, "I do not want anyone else but you."
After two years of separation, Tian almost forgets how good of a flirt Chief Phupha is.
"You sounded so cheesy! I am getting goosebumps!"
"And Dr Nam dares say I do not know how to flirt? My flirting capability is better than his,"
"I agree,"
Phupha looks taken aback, eyes wide and open, and Tian loves it when he catches the latter off-guard.
Now, the tables have turned, and Tian laughs in victory, enjoying the blush of pink appearing on Phupha's tanned skin.
Tian takes advantage of Phupha's defenceless state, wrapping his arms around the chief's shoulder and settles his forehead against the other. "I am happy to know that you still want to be with me after all these years,"
Phupha smiles, closing his eyes for a brief, and opens them again to stare deep into Tian, "you are holding me captive. I could not run away from you,"
"Do you ever want to run away?" he asks, testing the waters.
"Never,"
Tian feels like a complete idiot. A simple word coming from Phupha, and he already knows nothing, absolutely nothing in this life will take away the love he has for the ranger.
It is too beautiful, wonderful, this feeling sprouting in his chest, reminiscing the old flame that once blazes his heart as he realized he is in love with the forest ranger all along. It took him some time to accept them, and he is forever grateful to Tul for knocking some sense in him that day.
He loved Phupha two years ago, and he will love him for more years to come.
Phupha pulls away only to hold both of his hands earnestly, "thank you for coming home, Tian. It has been 691 days, 19 hours, 17 minutes and," he pauses, taking a glimpse at his wristwatch, "20 seconds since we last met."
Amused, Tian asks, "you counted the days we were apart?"
"Without a miss," Phupha calmly answers, innocently smiling at him.
He laughs truthfully, feeling overwhelmed and so profoundly, head over heels for the chief over and over again.
Tian watches the stars colliding; one glittery sparkle merges with another, producing a blatant glow of silver against the darkening sky.
"Time did prove everything for us, chief," he utters. Thoughts are scattering in his mind, words stranded in his throat as he found a star shining from Phupha's fond eyes, taking his breath and sanity away.
Phupha nods, smiling at him warmly, "it has always been about us from the beginning. Us, fated, destined, to be together all along,"
His heart pounds in his chest, loud enough to chime the bell on the Phapirun unit's door, "I am glad," Tian exclaims, finding his place in Phupha's arms again.
The silence is comforting, the scent of mint soothes him, and Tian snuggles closer to the chief, feeling his rough skin pulsating under his delicate touch.
"Tian?" Phupha calls, breaking the moment of tranquillity.
"Hm?"
"I think it is time for you to call me P'Phu instead of Chief Phupha," the other says jokingly, and Tian feels his pulse racing foolishly fast.
Absentmindedly, Tian hits the latter on his chest, trying to cover up the embarrassment and pure giddiness blooming in his heart. Phupha laughs at him, lively, contented, and all good things.
The stars are dazzlingly shimmering, enlightening the galaxies, and Tian prays upon a thousand stars to be with Phupha until the end of time.
Tian wishes that this moment will last longer.
As they went to bed that night, Tian cuddles closer to Phupha, relishing the warmth and serenity exuding from the love of his life; he calls him P'Phu, zealously, deftly, and Phupha kisses him until the morning light greets them through the cracks of the window.