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It had been a bad day. It had been a really really bad day. The kind of bad day that Shouto hated the most because he was angry. He could deal with anxiety or sadness or whatever other emotion was thrown at him. But he hated being angry.
It started when he woke up from a nightmare and accidentally burnt Izuku. It wasn’t a horrible burn by any means. He just ended up with some small blisters in the shape of Shouto's hand around his arm. But still, he had hurt his boyfriend, even if it was an accident he couldn’t help but compare it to all the times his father had left similar marks on him.
Then when he was walking out of their bedroom, he fell over one of the boxes that they still had in the hallway. Which didn’t hurt, it just made him more frustrated than anything. They had been living in this apartment a little more than two weeks and they still had so much stuff to put away, it was starting to feel like they would never be done unpacking and organizing.
Then his dad called. His stupid fucking dad! He wanted to call him to make sure it was very clear that he did not approve of his recent actions and choices. Which basically just meant he was mad that he had actually gone through with his plans to move in with Tenya and Izuku, and that he wasn’t ‘done with this phase’ yet. Stuff like this almost made him almost miss when his dad was at least pretending to be a better person. But all of that was fake, he knew it then too.
Why couldn’t he just leave him alone? He was so ready to move on. He didn’t want his dad to have control over his life and his emotions anymore.
So that's how he got to where he is now. It was one o’clock in the afternoon and he was already so ready for the day to be over.
He wanted to scream! He wanted to cry! He wanted to throw something or just yell at something!
No, He wanted to stay calm. He wanted to act rationally. He wanted to react the exact opposite way that his father would. Ugh, why did he have to feel like this?
He sat down on the couch and turned on the tv, hoping to find a way to relax a little bit.
After twenty minutes or so he was feeling a little better, but was definitely still frustrated. His mind had time to calm down a bit and he wasn’t focusing on the bad things that had happened today. He never really actually paid attention to what he put on the TV and instead just scrolled through his social media, which had the same distracting effect.
“Hey Shou '', Izuku said as seemed to appear out of nowhere flopping himself on the couch next to Shouto, “whatcha doing”, he asked.
“Nothing”, Shouto said hoping that the frustration was not clear in his voice.
It seemed like he may have failed at that though because Izuku gave him a look that seemed to be filled with confusion and a bit of sadness. He opened his mouth about to say something, but as soon as he did Tenya walked through the front door carrying a few grocery bags.
“Hello, my loves”, He said as he walked past them on the couch and went straight to the kitchen, “do you want to help me put away groceries”.
“Yeah”, Izuku said before he stood up and offered a hand to Shouto, “You wanna help too”?
Shouto thought for a second looking up at Izuku. He kind of just wanted to be left alone. He knew that he was on edge and didn’t want to accidentally end up taking his anger out on his partners. But on the other hand, if he did help them it might distract him and his partners almost always put him in a better mood.. Plus it wouldn’t be fair if he didn’t help at all and left all the work to them. He looked up at Izuku and nodded before taking the hand that was offered to him.
Tenya happily talked about having lunch with his brother earlier that day, as they put away groceries. As they went back and forth between the cupboards and the fridge they kept accidentally bumped into each other and their hands would brush together. This is normally wouldn’t be something that bothered him, but right now it kept making him more and more irritated. But he tried not to get too upset.
Everything was fine.. He can’t get angry. He especially shouldn’t get angry with them.
He went to grab a container of grapes that were in the bag, but after he picked it up and started towards the fridge he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket frightening him causing him to drop the container as the grapes spilled across the floor.
“Shit”, he said under his breath as he fished his phone out of his pocket.
He looked over at Tenya who was standing in front of him. Tenya gave him a reassuring smile before he bent down to pick up the grapes, “It’s okay, Shou”, he said softly.
Shouto looked down at his phone once it was in his hands. He let out a low grumbled when he realized who was calling him. It was his dad.. Again. Did he not get the hint when he had hung up on him earlier.
Shouto was at his limit now. He just hoped his partners would understand, they probably would.. They were amazing. He angrily put his phone down on the table with a noise that sounded like a small growl and then stormed back to their room.
“Shou”, he heard Izuku call after him, but Tenya cut him off mumbling something. Shouto couldn’t stay around to listen though.
He was tempted to slam the door behind him, but on second thought he didn’t. Slamming the door would have been exactly what his father would have done. And he wasn’t anything like his father, and he never would be. God, he wanted to throw something or just scream.. But he shouldn’t. No, he couldn’t! He felt a few tears fall down his cheek but he wiped them away harshly. He should just take a nap.. yeah he would feel better after a nap.
He woke up an hour later with a blanket on top of him (that he knew for a fact he hadn’t put there) and the room is much darker than it was he went to sleep. Izuku or Tenya must have come in there at some point and done that. He pulled himself out of bed and noted that his frustration had faded quite a bit, good, he was tired of being frustrated.
He walked out of their room and into the hallway, following the sound of his partners’ voices while also trying to avoid the boxes in the hallway.
He followed the sound of their voices all the way to the kitchen. For the most part, he couldn’t understand what they were saying, but as he turned the corner and they came into view he heard his name before the conversation ended quickly and they both looked up at him. Were they talking about him?
“Hey babe”, Izuku said from his spot at the table next to Tenya, as he sipped his tea.
“Do you want some tea”, Tenya asked as he stood up.
“Sure..”, Shouto said he looked at them, blinking a few times.
Had they been talking about him?
Tenya went over to the kettle and poured some water into one of Shouto’s mugs.
“Why don’t you sit down Shou”, Izuku said with a soft smile, “We want to talk to you about something”.
Shouto looked at him wide-eyed. Had he done something wrong? He had tried so hard to stop himself from doing anything wrong.
“Did I do something wrong”, Shouto asked quickly, “I’m sorry I didn’t help clean up the grapes.. I just.. I couldn’t.. I was getting mad and I didn’t want to get too angry so I had to stop and.. I’m sorry”.
“Shou, you didn’t do anything wrong”, Tenya said as he walked by him, mug in hand, “I’m proud of you for taking yourself out of the situation so you didn’t react too quickly and take it out on us or yourself.. You didn’t do anything wrong.. There is just something we want to talk to you about”.
“Oh..”, Shouto said, a bit hesitant but nodded and sat down at the spot where Tenya had just put his tea.
“Shouto, when we were still at UA you had mentioned a couple of times that once we graduate you would like to start seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist correct”, Tenya asked.
Oh, that’s what this was about. Yes, he still wanted to do that, but the idea of actually doing it seemed terrifying.
“Yeah..”, Shouto said looking down at his folded hands on the table,
“Hm”, Tenya hummed slightly, “I think it might be a good idea to start looking for one soon”.
“If you feel comfortable of course”, Izuku added quickly, “Also Tenya and I don’t mind helping you look for one”.
After a few seconds of silence, Shouto asked “Why are you saying this now”?
“Well, while we think you are doing a wonderful job of managing everything you can on your own.. I just think it might make things a bit easier for you if you also got some professional advice on how to handle things”, Izuku said.
“And I think it could be good for you to get some professional diagnoses, so we can have a better idea of what you may have, and see if there is anything that we have missed”, Tenya added.
Shouto still looked down at the table.. This would be scary.. But what Tenya and Izuku were saying made sense. Plus he knew that they would be there to help him along the way. He looked up at them and nodded.
A month later Shouto sat in the waiting room of Tenya psychiatrist’s office. After looking into a couple of psychiatrists in the area and looking at what they specify in they decided that this one was the best option. He took a deep shaky breath and he felt the hand that was holding his tighten it's grip slightly. Oh right, Izuku was there with him. There was no way he would have been able to do this on his own.
“How you feeling, Shou?”, Izuku asked softly, trying not to disturb the mostly silent atmosphere.
“I’ve been better”, Shouto said with a small nervous laugh.
Izuku gave him a small sympathetic smile, “it’s gonna be okay.. this is supposed to be something that helps you”.
“Yeah, I guess”.
“And if you feel uncomfortable at any time we can always leave”, Izuku added.
Shouto nodded.
“Do you want me to go back there with you?”, Izuku asked.
Shouto looked down at the ground thinking for a moment. He had just kind of assumed that Izuku wouldn’t come with him to the actual appointment, but maybe he would be less nervous if Izuku was there. But if Izuku went back with him the psychiatrist would probably think that he was immature and couldn’t do anything by himself, and he didn’t want that.
“No, I think I will be okay.. just please don’t leave while I’m back there”, Shouto said looking at him.
“I won’t go anywhere baby”, Izuku said squeezing his hand again.
A few minutes later a woman with a clipboard came out from the doors that were in the back of the room, “Todoroki Shouto”, she called out.
Shouto turned to Izuku with a nervous look. Izuku gave him a reassuring smile, “you got this”, he said before he let go of his hand.
Shouto nodded nervously, but stood up and walked over to the lady.
“Todoroki”, she asked, to which Shouto nodded, “perfect”, she said as she wrote something down in the clipboard, “I’m doctor Arai, why don’t you follow me to my office”.
“Okay”, he said nervously as he followed her down the hallway.
Once they got to the room he sat in a chair across from her desk and looked at her nervously as she typed something on her computer, “so you had your previous medical information sent here correct”?
“Yeah.. but I don’t know if there will be anything in there that is actually useful to you..”.
“That is not necessarily true.. even though you haven’t had any physiatric evaluations since you were five it is still good for me to have you doctor reports for your physical health as well. Mental and physical health tend to go hand and hand”, she said with a smile as she continued to look at her computer.
Todoroki gave her a confused look, he didn’t know he had ever had any type of psychiatric evaluation. “I had a psychiatric evaluation when I was five”, he tried to ask, but he guessed it turned out as more of a statement than a question because she gave him an odd look back.
“Yes, I am aware, I saw it in your medical history”.
“No, uh that’s not what I meant”, he said a bit awkwardly, “I wasn’t aware I had any evaluations like that done”.
“Oh, umm, you didn’t know”, she asked as she stopped typing on and turned to face him.
“No, I’m surprised my dad even let me get an evaluation”.
“It says that an evaluation was required after you got an injury”, she said, “So you don’t know the outcome of that evaluation" she then asked.
He shook his head. He easily could figure out which injury they were referring to. Which it did make sense they would want to make sure that he wasn’t too traumatized after what his mother did to him.
“Well”, she said before she paused, “So you were never made aware that you are autistic”?
“What”, he said angrily as he looked up at her.
Of course, his dad wouldn’t have told him. He would have wanted to keep that a secret from everyone. How could he ever allow the world to know that his perfect creation has something that he saw as a flaw?
So much anger suddenly filled him.
How dare he hide that from him. He had the right to know. He knew how much of a role his partners’ autism played in their identity. He should have been able to have that too. He shouldn’t have had this hidden from him. He shouldn’t have been forced to be someone he wasn’t at such a young age. He shouldn’t have had to figure this out at eighteen years old.
“Todoroki”, Dr. Arai called out to him.
“Huh”, He asked looking back up at her.. He didn’t even remember looking away.
“Are you alright, I know that is probably a lot to process”.
“Uh yeah.. Yeah, I’m fine”, he said trying not to show his emotions too much.
“Would you like to continue with the evaluation or do you need a minute”?
“No, I’m fine, let’s keep going”.
An hour and a half later, he walked out of the office and into the waiting room, with two new diagnoses, three new prescriptions, and a new discovery that he didn’t know how to feel about.
As soon as Izuku saw Shouto, he put his phone down and greeted him with a smile, “Hey Shou, how did it go”.
“Fine”, Shouto said as he walked over to where Izuku was sitting, “I want to go home”.
Izuku gave him a concerned look but nodded and stood up.
“Do you want to talk about it”, Izuku asked as they made their way out to the car.
“Not yet”, was Shouto’s answer. He still had some stuff to think about.
He stayed quieter than usual for most of the night. He knew his partners were worried about him, but he didn’t know what to say yet. He wasn’t even sure if he could process any of this yet. He had expected to get the BPD and PTSD diagnosis, but the news that the fact that he is autistic and that it had been hidden from him for the majority of his life, was something he was not expecting at all.
He tried to pay attention to the TV as the three of them sat on the couch. Tenya sat on the right as Izuku squeezed himself between them. Then suddenly all of his emotions hit him at once. He pulled his knees up to his chest causing both of his partners to look at him concerned. They both knew that Shouto only did that when he was upset.
“Are you alright”, Tenya asked.
Shouto shook his head as a tear slipped from his eye. No, he wasn’t okay. “It’s not fair”, he said as he shoved his face into his knees.
“What’s not fair Shou”, Izuku asked as he somehow managed to scoot even closer to him. It was always Izuku’s instinct to offer physical comfort, even though that wasn’t always what his partners needed.
“I was just a kid”, Shouto said as he choked out a sob, “I was just a kid, how could he expect me to be perfect. I know he only wanted me to be a weapon.. but -but that’s not all I am.. I am a person.. I am a person, I have flaws, I have things that make me different from other people, it’s just.. It’s not fair. Why did he have kids if he wouldn’t let us be actual people? I just, I don’t understand-” He cut himself off with another choked sob, then suddenly more sobs came out and he couldn’t get any more words out.
“Shouto”, Tenya said softly from where he had moved to the kneeling on the floor in front of him, “You’re right, the way he treated you was so unfair and no matter what it is valid that you are upset about it, but can you tell us what you are specifically talking about so we can understand and help the best we can”.
Shouto let out a few more sobs, “I’m autistic”, he choked out.
“What”, Izuku asked.
“He never told me, I never knew”, He said between sobs. He felt like couldn’t breathe, he hated this, “Why didn’t he ever tell me”, he said the last a little louder than he should have, but he couldn’t help it.. He was too upset and it was the only way he could express it.
“Oh, Shou, I’m so sorry”, Izuku said.
“I can only imagine how it would feel to have such an important thing hidden from you”, Tenya said and Shouto could hear the frustration behind his words, “That’s just horrible. But Shou, your autism isn’t a flaw, it just means that your brain works differently than neurotypical people, and that's okay”.
“I know. I don’t think it’s a flaw, I just know that's how he saw it, that’s why he thought I didn’t have the right to know something so important about myself”, When he said the last part he started to pull his hair.
“Shou, please don’t hurt yourself baby”, Izuku said, “Do you want me to get you a stim toy, or a soft blanket, or anything”.
All Shouto could do was let out a frustrated yell. He wanted to actually say something, but the words wouldn’t come out. He hated this. He could feel his grip on his hair tightened. He knew that his partners didn’t want him to hurt himself, but nothing else felt right at this moment.
“Can you hold my hands instead of pulling your hair”, Tenya asked, “Please Shou, we don’t want you to hurt yourself”.
He could hear the sadness behind Tenya’s words. He needed to stop. It always hurt him when he saw his partners hurt themselves like this, he didn’t want them to hurt in the same way seeing him like this. He looked up at Tenya as he removed his hands from his hair and brought them down to hold Tenya’s hands.
“I-I’m sorry I just-” he let out another frustrated noise, but it wasn’t a yell this time. This time it was something closer to a whimper.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for Shouto”, Izuku said softly, “Is there anything we can do to help?”
No, there was nothing anyone could do to make this okay. He didn’t even know what he could do to make himself feel better. He just knew he needed Izuku and Tenya here with him, to make all these feelings at least slightly bearable.
“Just please be here with me to help me figure this out”, Shouto said barely above a whisper.
“Of course Shou”, Tenya said with a small reassuring smile.
“We will always be here to do that”, Izuku added.