Chapter Text
“I’m gay.”
Those two words kept repeating over and over again in Sirius’ head. He had heard them come out of Remus’ mouth weeks ago, and at the time didn’t seem to think anything. He was fine with it. It wasn’t until now that it finally registered in his head. It hit him so suddenly.
Remus was sitting in his usual chair in the common room (the big yellow one with the scratched arms, Sirius memorized), throwing himself into his studies. He had a peculiar look on his face. Almost like concentration mixed with contradiction. Remus was second guessing himself again. Sirius plopped down next to him on the arm of the chair and read over his shoulder.
“Why are you looking at Transfiguration if you aren’t even taking the class?” Sirius intrigued. He was always the type to be nosey. Remus kept his eyes fixed on the page and suddenly noticed the presence of his best friend sitting next to him.
“Sorry what was that?” Remus asked, closing the book subconsciously.
“I was asking about why you’re studying for a class you aren’t even taking,” Sirius contradicted. He shifted himself to be facing Remus.
“Oh, uh, Grant needed help on something and he asked me for help so I’m just trying to figure out what it was.”
“But why do the extra work?”
“Well because he’s my friend and I want to help,” Remus said questionably. Sirius noted the small hesitation on the word friend.
“Moony, when was the last time you and I did something? Like had a bit of real fun?”
“Sirius I’m trying to get this done, can you just leave me alone?” The words hit him in the gut unexpectedly, but he tried to brush it off as best as he could.
“Okay, um, let’s do something when you’re done then,” Sirius hesitated. He never had this sort of relationship with Remus. It was different, and not in a good way.
“I’ll probably be up late so maybe another time,” Remus called after him. It wasn’t a question, almost a statement. Maybe another time.
Sirius didn’t linger in the common room for long, especially when he saw Grant show up. Sirius noticed Remus’ full attitude change instantly. He hated the way Grant made his best friend feel. He wanted himself to make Remus feel like that, all happy and content. He hated the way Grant brushed up against him and it made Remus blush. He hated the way Remus smiled when Grant said something that wasn’t even moderately funny. He hated the way it made Remus smell when Grant was around them. Most of all, he hated the way Remus was madly in love with him.
***
Later on, Sirius lay awake staring at the ceiling. It was late, almost around 1am. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was waiting for Remus. He hadn’t come back from the common room ever since they talked hours ago. He wanted to fix things. He wanted his best friend back. Sirius made the impulsive decision to go downstairs to see what was going on. Sirius was immediately cold from stepping on the stone-cold flooring. He shivered, pulling a sweater over his muscled form.
Slowly, he crept down the stairs, trying not to wake anyone else. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Remus slowly fading into a deep sleep. He was hunched over his work, trying to stay awake, but he couldn’t fight it. Sirius unconsciously smiled at his sleepy friend, and went down the last couple of stairs.
“Sirius?” Remus called out, sensing his presence.
“What are you doing awake? Do you realize the time?” Sirius asked, not realizing how defensive he had become.
“I just- um, homework, that’s all.”
“You’ve been sitting in that same chair for the past 4 hours, Moons.”
“It’s important,” Remus contradicted, closing his book. He set it to the side so he can get a good look at Sirius standing in front of him. The two boys sat in silence, waiting for the other to say something.
“Moony, is everything okay?” Sirius questioned.
“Yeah, why?”
“No I mean like between us.”
“Oh.” Remus’ gaze shifts towards his feet.
“I just feel like things have been a little off ever since, well-”
“Ever since I told you?” Remus said. Sirius’ whole body went cold.
“Kind of.”
“Well I honestly don’t give a shit about what you think, even if you think I’m any different than who I was before I said anything,” Remus exclaimed, standing up to go upstairs back to the dorms.
“What? No! Remus, of course not, I- it doesn’t change anything I swear. Can you just sit back down? Please?” Sirius pleaded. He wanted to talk to him without anything being too awkward between them, which at this point almost seemed impossible. Remus returned to his chair, and scooted it closer to Sirius.
“So, Grant, huh?”
“Yeah,” Remus said, smiling.
“You like him?”
“I- it’s complicated.”
“How so?” Sirius wanted to know as much as possible.
“Pretty sure he doesn’t swing the same way,” Remus explained. They were closer together.
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you,” Sirius said. He could feel his heart swelling.
“Really?”
"He seems, um, okay I guess, but he shouldn’t be using you for answers. You already over work yourself enough in the first place.”
“It was one time Pads, it’s fine.”
“He just seems off to me, that's all.”
“You don’t have to like him,” Remus argued.
“It’s just weird to me. Seeing you with him.”
“Why, because he’s a bloke?”
“No, it’s just, well that I can tell you really like him and you’ve never looked at someone like that before,” Sirius said. He would never admit it, but he would do anything for Remus to look at him the way he looked at Grant.
“We should get some sleep, uh, you’ve got a game tomorrow haven’t you?” Shit, Sirius thought. He had completely forgotten.
“Right, of course,” Sirius said. He started to get up, and looked for Remus to be following his movements.
“I’ll catch up to you in a bit, let me just finish this chapter,” Remus said. He yawned, and smiled sleepily.
“Night Moony.”
“Night Pads. Good luck tomorrow,” Remus said. Sirius took one last glance at him, and then headed back upstairs. A look of despair couldn’t seem to leave Sirius’ face.