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The slow climb of the elevator does nothing for his nerves. The pit sitting in his stomach only grows heavier as it ascends higher and higher. Truth be told, the growing unease between him and the seemingly happy couple started a little after Kyoya and Haruhi made it official six months ago. While it only seemed natural for them to get together at the time something didn’t quite settle right with him. It’s not like anything fundamentally changed within their group after their announcement but still something has felt slightly, off. He can’t put his finger on what it is exactly but the feelings refuse to be ignored.
Maybe that was part of the problem? Shouldn’t things change when couples get together? Shouldn’t they be even more happy now that they are together? Even now, he can only count on one hand the number of times they have held hands in public. God forbid there be any other form of public displays of affection between them. If it were him, he would let the entire world know that he is with someone. There would be no doubt as to his feelings for his significant other.
One of the most public displays of affection was Kyoya gifting Haruhi an apartment for them to share while she studies for the upcoming bar exam and even then it wasn’t really public considering it was at her graduation party.. His reasons were that she would be able to give sole focus to her studies and that she wouldn’t be dividing her time even more between studies and maintaining a job. Sure, an apartment is practical but what about other gifts? What about vacations and clothes? New electronics and date nights out? Endless bouquets of flowers and imported chocolates? Surely she deserves more than that? Where is the above and beyond? Obviously something between them isn’t working if they are missing those things. The red flags are there, they just can’t see it for themselves. Too stubborn chasing after their goals to see the issues right in front of them.
So, after a few short exchanged messages early this morning, he finds himself standing in front of their apartment door, finger hovering over the doorbell. The pit in his stomach still hasn’t lifted from the short walk between the elevator and their door. He’s doing the right thing….right? Friends are honest with each other when they notice something like this, right? But what happens in the aftermath? If they do break up from this where does that leave their friend group? Inwardly groaning, he swallows down the weird mix of guilt and fear. Pressing the button a few times he waits patiently for an answer. A muffled “coming” in response to the doorbell comes a few moments later. With a quick shink of the lock and a rattling of chain the door opens.
“Afternoon Tamaki!” Haruhi greets him with a smile. “Come in.” Her hand sweeping across the threshold, gesturing for him to enter.
Tamaki tips off his shoes, placing them on the half-filled rack near the door. Their apartment is modest compared to their own family estates but leagues bigger than Haruhi’s childhood home. A nice compromise between their two different living lifestyles. The more modern amenities to match the open floor plan and updated style of the building. Their place has become a central hangout when everyone has a bit of free time between meetings and job travel requirements.
“Thanks for letting me stop by Haruhi! Is Kyoya home?” Tamaki asks as they enter the main living space. An assortment of matching furniture situated around a large coffee table dotted with sweets and a fresh pot of tea.
“Yeah, he’s in the home office. Do you need me to get him?” Her eyes glancing over her shoulder and down the hall towards the bedrooms.
“No that’s okay. I was hoping that maybe we could discuss things alone...if you don’t mind?” Taking a seat on one end of the couch he points to the empty space at the other end of the couch.
Eyeing him, Haruhi pours them both a steaming cup of green tea to go with the little biscuits and sandwiches. “I hope you don’t mind a little bit of green tea, we try to stay away from excessive caffeine after noon.”
“Green tea is good.” His eyes watch as she prepares their drinks. Her hands sure and swift. Practiced. They sit in compatible silence as they sip. He’s not really sure how these sorts of things should go, especially if one of the other participants is sitting less than twenty feet away and behind a closed door. He shifts further into the couch, it doing nothing to soothe his nerves.
Haruhi, ever the straightforward person seems to sense Tamaki’s unease. While sitting in silence is nice she has known him long enough to know that something like this is out of character. All the charisma and expressive nature that is, Tamaki Suoh, is gone. Only leaving a jittery ball of quiet, his leg bouncing and fingers gripping a handle of his tea cup a hair too tight. Sighing, she realizes that they are getting nowhere if it is up to Tamaki to bring up whatever issue that was of high importance he had to speak with her right away. “So, you mentioned that you needed to talk to me about something? Care to share?”
“Oh!” He jumps jostling the tea cup against it’s saucer. “Um, yeah…..I just don’t know where to start…” Sitting the cup and saucer back down on the table he runs his hands against his legs. Why was he sweating so much?
“From the beginning would be best.” Haruhi takes another sip of her drink, watching him patiently.
What does that even mean? Does she mean from when this all started because that would mean the moment she walked into the music room in high school. Or when her and Kyoya started dating? It’s so complicated that he isn’t even sure that there is a beginning. But he can’t just sit here and say nothing. He came here with a purpose and a handful of reasons. He cares. Probably too much about someone else’s relationship. “Well…” An audible gulping sound escapes his throat. “I guess it has to do with you.”
Placing the now empty tea cup on the coffee table she gives him a deadpan expression. “I figured as much if you wanted to speak with me.”
“And Kyoya, I suppose. Kyoya too.”
“And?”
“Are you happy with your relationship with him?”
Cocking her head she stares at him, her face scrunched with confusion. “Uh, yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Honestly, she has no idea where this conversation is going.
Tamaki’s eyes flick between Haruhi’s and the hallway. Could this get any worse? “I am just a little concerned.”
“About what?” Her voice took on a slightly more defensive tone.
“Well I know that you guys have been together for a while and usually when people get together they act differently, at least a little bit different. You know they act like they like each other.” He knows that the words coming out of his mouth are all wrong but he can’t quite convey exactly what he means now that she is sitting in front of him. He can see how her posture is changing. No longer is she relaxed and enjoying the company of a friend. Now she is pensive and guarded. He hates that he can see that happening in real time. He knew this conversation was going to be hard, he just didn’t realize how hard it was actually going to be.
Haruhi’s shoulder squares up to Tamaki, her brows pinching together. “If we didn’t like each other what makes you think that I would be in my right mind to move into a place together.” Her hands raise up to gesture to the living space.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry...gosh this is not going how I wanted it too. What I mean is-” Tamaki groans threading his fingers into his hair tugging slightly to get a grip “-I can’t really tell if you two are together or not. Like, does he appreciate you the way you should be appreciated? Are you actually happy and not just putting up a front to pretend everything's okay for the sake of your living situation?”
Haruhi sneers at the questions. “I think you should be very careful about the assumptions and accusations that you are making Tamaki.” His name being spat out of her mouth with thinly veiled anger.
“I’m sorry.” He mutters out quickly, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. He hates himself now more than ever that he has upset her this much. It was never his intention to make her mad, he only wanted to express his concerns. “It’s just that all of this, you and him, it is confusing. One moment we are all friends and the next you two are together. Then months pass and nothing really changes between the group and you two. Shouldn’t others outside of our group be able to tell that you are with each other? If it was me I wouldn’t be able to keep something like that to myself! I know you guys aren’t for the whole PDA thing but honestly Haruhi staying with someone you aren’t head over heels for doesn’t prove anything other than you being a self masochist!” His voice grew louder and louder with each sentence.
“Wha-” she tries to interrupt but he continues his word vomiting.
“Love is expressive Haruhi! People know through someone’s actions about their feelings. You guys don’t even hold hands in public! Who wouldn’t want to hold hands with either one of you? You are both too stubborn to see what I see-”
“Tamaki.” Haruhi tries to get his attention again.
Tamaki, undeterred by Haruhi’s attempts to gain his attention, continues. Now that the damn has ruptured there is no going back, feelings be damned. “Honestly, what were you two thinking? And I have to watch you guys day after day living a life of half loves. Can’t you see you both deserve more? Can’t you-” And all words and thoughts came to a halt the moment he felt the cushion shift and two warm lips pressing against his.
The slightly floral aroma of the green tea spread across his lips. Again, she presses ever so slightly against his lips, sealing them more together. Her hands slide down the edge of his jaw, cooling his already flushed face. The abrupt kiss silencing all of his previously racing thoughts. It’s foreign. Feeling this way. Subconsciously he leans forward into her touch. Savoring a moment in time. Until the reality of the situation hits him, eyes flying open in fear.
Haruhi feels Tamaki stiffen between her hands. Pulling away she settles back into her corner of the couch, watching Tamaki’s eyes dart between Haruhi and the hallway muttering words under his breath. You. Kiss. Kyoya. What? Why?
“What did you feel?” She asks him quietly, hesitantly.
“What?”
Why isn’t she freaking out? Kyoya is here! He could have seen!!
“Did you feel something?” She asks him again.
“Well yeah,” he whispers, “I’m going to feel something, isn’t that obvious. You kissed me! You kissed me! ”
“It is obvious to me but is it obvious to you?”
He stares back at her, utterly dumbfounded. Confused at how she can be so calm after cheating on Kyoya, in their own home no less. Confused that even though he feels a little guilty he also feels more whole than he has in months.
He watches her shifting her feet preparing to get off the couch. Scrambling to the other side of the couch he reaches out grabbing onto her wrist.
“Relax, I’ll be right back.” She assures him, tugging against his pull.
“No Haruhi! Really I don’t want you two to break up! I just wanted to let you know what I saw! Please? You don’t have to do anything for me.” He pleads helplessly. Things have gone too far. There are certain things you can never come back from and kissing your best friend/ best friend’s girlfriend is certainly one of those things.
Stepping back towards the couch, she turns to face him. Bringing her free hand up to cup his cheek again. “Tamaki, are you happy?”
He doesn’t want to be, god knows he shouldn’t but he leans into her touch. Nuzzling into the soft skin of her palm. “Am I happy?” How long has it been since he has been on the receiving end of any form of physical affection? Her touch almost feels foreign. He knows he shouldn’t find pleasure with such an intimate touch but his heart has yearned for so long to be held, cherished, to be treated like he is important.
“A long time ago all you asked us to be was ourselves and to accept ourselves for who we are, correct?” Her thumb rubs against his cheek bone, trying to bring some sort of comfort to the situation.
“Well sure, I think everyone should be who they truly are on the inside.” His bright eyes look up at her, wishing for anything to end this sort of suffering. To end the yearning and the distinct feeling of guilt. He should be enjoying this repeats on loop in his thoughts
“Then can you wait here for a moment?”
“You’re not going in there to break up with Kyoya are you?” His grip on her wrist tightening ever so slightly.
“No, no I am not.”
“Okay…” Tamaki reluctantly lets go of her hand and watches as Haruhi disappears around the corner and down the hall. A few moments pass before Haruhi re-enters the room with Kyoya following behind her, their fingers intertwining with one another. He sits straight up preparing to explain the whole situation, or run, whichever comes first. But before he can Kyoya holds up a finger. Shutting his mouth he watches Kyoya smile at Haruhi and Haruhi nodding her head in return.
Letting go of her hand Kyoya makes his way across the room to stand in front of Tamaki. Bending down he presses a gentle kiss against Tamaki’s lips.
A similar sensation returning to his lips. His eyelids flutter closed as a tentative hand cupping against his cheek willing Tamaki to relax. Almost hesitantly he leans into the touch savoring the softness of the moment. His mind spinning from the situation, sending him even further into the pit of confusion. All too soon he feels the warmth of Kyoya’s touch leave his skin as he stands back up fully. When he finally opens his eyes Kyoya and Haruhi are sharing a kiss between themselves before joining Tamaki back on the couch. This time it is Kyoya who asks the question.
“What did you feel?”
“Um…” What did he feel? He should be horrified, shouldn’t he? Not only did he share a kiss with Haruhi behind Kyoya’s back but now Haruhi watched as Kyoya kissed Tamaki. And he is looking at them and they seem fine. Why wasn’t he repulsed by kissing another man? Kissing Kyoya of all people? Everything was too much. He lets out a distressed whine, unable to reconcile what has happened in the past hour.
“Take your time,” Haruhi offers.
Running his fingers through his hair he huffs quietly. Coming here initially to confront Haruhi about his concerns was his goal and now everything has been changed. Everything that was even remotely clear is now a jumbled up mess. “I have questions?”
“As you should.” Kyoya answered coolly.
“First, I guess is what?”
Haruhi and Kyoya exchange glances before Haruhi begins to speak. “I told you before I left that Kyoya and I are not breaking up.”
“So is this like an open relationship sort of thing?” Tamaki squeezes his hands so tight the knuckles begin to turn white. Did he even know his best friends? Is this just some secret that they have been keeping from all of them? Who are they?
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it an open relationship to just anyone, per se.”
“So what would you call it?” Tamaki counters back at him.
“I would call our relationship fulfilling but not fulfilled.” Laying a hand over Haruhi’s, Kyoya places a kiss against her temple. “We were hoping that you could help us change that? But only if you held the same feelings.”
“And you both kissed me.” Tamaki states.
“Yes, we believe that we share the same feelings that we have with each other, with you.” Kyoya answers back with a tenderness that Tamaki has never experienced, least of all coming from him.
“Do you love Haruhi?” He knows its a stupid question to ask but he had already asked Haruhi the same, he just had to make certain of their feelings for each other.
“I do, she has been a great addition to my life.”
Turning to look at Haruhi he nods gesturing to Kyoya.
“I already answered you earlier but yes I also love Kyoya but really the question is, do you love us?”
“You are my closest friends! Why wouldn’t I love you?” Tamaki exclaims as if that was the most straightforward answer. If he didn’t care for both of them then he wouldn’t have come here in the first place.
“Tamaki, are you happy? Are you happy with your life and your choices?” Kyoya asks again.
“Why should that matter at a time like this?”
“It matters to us.” Kyoya pauses, searching for the next right words. “So often you look out for others and do whatever it is in your power to make their lives better and yet you lay aside your own personal feelings for the sake of your own. Don’t you deserve to be happy too?”
The questions hung in the air, almost oppressive at how spot on they were. All those years spent putting up wall after wall around his own feelings and now here he is. His own advice and truths being turned back around. Is he happy? “I can be happy.”
“You’re not answering our question.” Kyoya pushes again.
“Maybe but by answering your question means that I should have the answers to other questions, and I don’t. How can I when I don’t understand what it means to put myself first? All my life I have been taught that others come first. It took almost 18 years for my grandmother to accept me for who I am despite the scandal of my parents getting together and they details behind my conception. And now you are asking me to put myself first? How can I actually answer that?”
“You can answer it with a yes or no answer. Honestly Tamaki, are you happy as you are right now?”
“No, at least I don’t think I am.” His voice quiets as he stares at the table in front of him. Just another nail in the coffin of reasons why he needs them. Who else in his life pushes him the way that he needs? Maybe for the first time in his life he has to contemplate what it means to do something for himself? It feels selfish to want. It feels selfish to want them. How is it even morally right to want two people? Especially two people who are already in a committed serious relationship? More so it feels selfish to vocalize that he isn’t happy.
“Tama?” Haruhi’s voice comes out almost as a whisper amongst the raging voices in his head. The sounds of his father and grandmother. The repeating words of past lectures about integrity, leadership, and propriety. Lessons on how to be a good husband to a wife. Lectures of being a successful business mogul.
“Tamaki-kun?” Her voice was just loud enough to break through the others.
“Huh?”
“You don’t have to answer us now but would you allow us to help you be happy with yourself?”
“I don’t even know who I am.” It was scary to admit that. It seems like this afternoon was only going to bring out some of his deepest and darkest insecurities. His hands tremble helplessly as he holds them in his lap. He feels like a child again, pinned under the scrutiny of someone who sees more of himself than he could.
“That’s okay. We will support you until you do.” The looks they give him are genuine and so full of honest sincerity that it hurts. It hurts to find others that care so deeply. Love raises the stakes and increases the risks. “Is there anything you would like from us?” Kyoya asks, assuring him that no request is too big or too small.
“I guess the next logical step is what happens next?”
“That depends what you are and are not comfortable with going forward. Ideally, we would like you to spend more time here to figure out how your place within the dynamic. Spending time together should help answer some questions that you might have.”
“It would also give Kyoya and I some time to transition into different roles. While time all together is important and we would enjoy spending time together with all three of us around we know realistically that we are all going to have demanding schedules for a while and that we need to be comfortable spending time with one other person and not feel guilty or shameful about someone else not being around.” Glancing at Kyoya Haruhi smiled brightly. “Also, it might be forward of us but we have already prepared your own room for you here. You can use it as much or as little as you would like during all of this.”
“Kyoya what does your family think of all of this?”
“You of all people should know that putting me in a box is the most unwise decision anyone can make. They will come around I think. Besides, I have spent most of my life seeking the approval of my father and I think it is time that I spend enjoying my life the way I want to enjoy it, with the people I love the most.”
Tamaki’s cheeks flush a brilliant shade of red at the forward declaration of love. One that he is included in.
“And Ranka?”
“Seriously? Have you met him? The only thing he wants is for me to be happy and achieve my dreams. He doesn’t care who I am with as long as they love me and allow me to pursue my passions.” She laughs at the absurdity of his concern.
“Point taken.” Clasping his hands together Tamaki takes a steadying breath. “What is the goal of this relationship between….the three of us?”
“The goal is simple.” Haruhi smiles, extending an open hand towards Tamaki. “The goal is happiness, for everyone involved.” Threading the fingers of her free hand into Kyoya’s they both look between Haruhi’s waiting hand and Tamaki's.
Reaching out a hand he places it into Haruhi’s, “happiness sounds really nice.”