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“Hey boys, just so you know, I’m asexual.”
“Lads, I’m ace!”
“Liam, could I talk to you for a second...?”
Niall groaned and deleted the lines for the third time. How had Louis even come out? It seemed like one day he was gay and the next day he was still gay, they were all just allowed to talk about it out loud. But wasn’t being full on gay a bigger deal than just being ace? Why should Niall even come out? Was he just trying to make himself special? For the thousandth time, he tried to imagine himself having sex with a girl. Nope, nothing but slight disgust. With a boy? Nope, nothing but more nausea. Kissing? He’d like to try it, maybe, but that was a whole new rabbit hole of trying to explain that he knew he didn’t want sex even though he’d never even kissed anyone let alone try to go farther. Maybe he should just send them all a link to AVEN?
Honestly it wasn’t like he felt he HAD to tell them, it was just that he could feel the words crawling up his throat every time there was a quiet moment between the lads, as if he could just open his mouth and spit them out into the middle of the bus, or the shared room...or the tense moment before the interview went live, or on stage...
This was why he had to tell them. Because otherwise it would happen without his conscious consent and the words would be there in the open for Liam to study seriously and Louis to jump at and Harry to smile at and Zayn to google quietly later in his bunk. Or maybe Liam would frown and Louis would try to find him someone to try kissing and Harry would say “but...maybe you just haven’t met the right person?” Zayn would still Google and come to his own conclusions because that was Zayn. If the others didn’t understand - didn’t TRY to understand. But they understood and accepted Louis. But Louis was full-on gay, and wasn’t that a bigger deal than being ace? And wasn’t that the argument he’d started with?
Niall suddenly felt an urgent need to move away, anywhere, and rolled out of the bunk so fast he had to catch hold of it again as his head spun. Deep breath in, head cleared, legs no longer numb with a rush of blood...and there were the boys playing Mario Kart in the lounge area.
1.
“Niall, you’ve seemed really stressed. Is there anything I can help you with?” Liam’s point-blank statement was softened slightly as he continued to fiddle with the coffee machine, and Niall couldn’t be more grateful for the moment to collect himself.
“I’m not stressed, Liam.” Was what came out first. Best to clear that up before Liam tried to lighten every possible stress-inducing particle of Niall’s (minimal) workload. And it’s not like that wasn’t true...
“Okay,” Liam shrugged and turned to hand Niall a cup of coffee that had taken suspiciously long to brew, and fixed him with an earnest stare. “Not stressed then, but I don’t care what label to put on it, you don’t seem well.”
“Liam...” Niall had to break the gaze.
“Anything you need another person to hear, anything causing you any discomfort, anyone I need to destroy - I know you know this but it can be hard to remember that I - we - all of us have your back.” Liam managed to catch Niall’s eyes again briefly, “No matter what, Niall.”
“I’m asexual.”
2.
“Harry? Are you okay?” Niall leaned out of his bunk somewhere in the American Midwest. It hadn’t sounded like Harry was on a particularly emotional phone call earlier, and chances are he was watching one of those good-cry-inducing films, but it was always better to check, right? Harry’s hitching breaths stopped for a second, before the reply came.
“Fine, Niall.”
“Are you sure?”
A breathy laugh. “Yeah pretty sure, what the fuck?”
“What?”
A pained groan and the sound of Harry’s head hitting the pillow again with some force. “Oh my God...”
Sudden realization hit Niall like an ice bath and he scrambles out of his bunk, cracking his elbow painfully on the side and grabbing blindly for his earbuds. “Shit sorry sorry sorry shit sorry Harry, God ugh!” He didn’t wait for any more noise, in response to his chaotic departure or otherwise, before hurling himself into the common area of the bus. It felt like he wanted to throw up, or like worms were crawling over his whole body, or like his brain was short-circuiting.
“Niall?” Louis’s voice sounded far away, despite being close enough that Niall could feel the warmth of his hand, hovering but not touching just above his back. Thank god for Louis’s intuition honestly, because it felt like any version of physical human contact might actually send him over the edge. “Come on, Nialler, you have to breathe.”
A huge ragged breath burst out and Niall sucked in an equally strained one. “It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s - “
“Shh, stop, of course it’s okay, just keep breathing, mate.”
“I’m fi - fine, Louis.”
“Shh shh shh...” and the hand came down, just one stroke down his spine, neck to ribs, but it was enough. Niall lurched forward with a sob away from the gentle touch to put his head between his knees and tried not to pass out. Louis snatched his hand back with an apology.
“Fuck sorry sorry, what can I do? Breathe, Niall. Do you want some water?”
He managed a nod and closed his eyes as Louis hurried to the mini fridge behind the driver’s door.
“Harry’s wanking off”
Louis stilled and quirked an eyebrow. “And? Is he being disgusting?”
“...No.”
“Were you asleep and it gave you a nightmare?”
“No, Louis!”
“Niall, it’s just a wank. We all do that, we all try to be quiet, but I’m sure I’ve heard everyone in the band in the past few years...”
“Not me.” Niall’s breath hitched and Louis chuckled.
“Okay.”
“No, you’ve never heard me. I don’t do that. I’m not - I don’t - I’m -“
“Hey hey,” Louis’s knuckles brushed Niall’s shoulder tentatively, “it’s okay. Just breathe.”
Niall closed his eyes hard and sucked in a deep breath. As he let it out, he kept his eyes closed but muttered “I’m just ace, Lou. Asexual. It grosses me out and I can’t even fucking think about it without a fucking break down.”
Louis, bless him, paused for approximately a half second in his shoulder ministrations.
“That’s okay, Ni. You’re not alone in that. Thanks for telling me. It’s okay.”
Silence. For a while. Niall kept his eyes shut and kept breathing, while Louis adjusted his crouched position and kept a hand now just resting on Niall’s shoulder.
“Are you sex-repulsed in general or was this just a surprised reaction?” Niall’s eyes blinked open in surprise at Louis’s soft voice.
“I’m...some days are more than others.”
“Mmm.”
“I guess I was mostly surprised. Fuck. I thought he was crying, you know?” Niall’s cheeks burned at the admission.
“Hey, that’s okay, mate. It’s not something you think about, so it’s okay to not realize that’s what it was.” Louis shifted again, obviously uncomfortable in his crouched position. “Do you wanna get over to the couch, Ni? Probably better for your bones.” When Niall gave a jerking sort of half-shrug half-nod, Louis just grasped him by the elbows and tugged him gently across the room.
“Come on lad, give me a cuddle.”
Niall buried his face in Louis’s shoulder and felt his breath come back as wiry arms gripped him tight and a thumb rubbed soothing circles on his back.
3.
With Zayn it was one of Those Day’s, when Niall felt like there was a giant gaping black hole in his chest sucking out his heart, and lungs, and soul. He had the boys around, he was on Bus 1 with Louis and Zayn, but he still felt achingly lonely. He hated these days, when he wished he wanted sex so that he could blow off some steam in the way that always seemed to work for the other lads.
Zayn was playing on his phone in his bunk when Niall crawled in over him and tucked himself into the tight, secure space between Zayn and the wall. The pressure of Zayn’s shoulder against his chest for some reason seemed to help. Niall wondered if this was a him thing or if other Aces had the same intense need for physical contact sometimes and he pulled his own phone out of his pocket...and paused. Zayn didn’t even quirk and eyebrow as Niall propped himself up and studied the other boy’s face intently.
Niall searched the AVEN homepage before he could second guess himself, and then plucked Zayn’s phone from his hands, locked the screen, and replaced it with his own phone, and then buried his face in Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn’s arm came up to wrap around him, and Niall dimly noticed himself quivering with tension.
“‘S this you, babes?”
“Aye.”
4.
Harry was always so vibrant, so energetic, almost voyeuristic and none of the boys even tried to not engage during shows. Liam and Zayn humored his grinding and Louis fought to keep a facade, and Harry thrived on the attention of both the stadiums full of fans and also his tactile boys on stage. They were in the middle of a great show and Niall was having the time of his life. It was one of those nights when the banter was flowing and the crowd was responding and Niall felt happy and whole and proud of himself and his boys. Louis was confident and loud, Zayn was beaming and riffing, Liam was strong and warm when he threw an arm around Niall’s shoulders mid-set, and Harry was prancing about with his curls all over the place and his green eyes sparkling, leaning on Zayn, dimpling at Louis, and dancing with Liam. Of course Harry would be the one to make Niall blurt it out on stage in the middle of a performance. It wasn’t like he announced it into a microphone, but as Harry draped himself around Niall during Liam’s sign reading bit, Niall couldn’t help himself. Harry was so happy and open and loving in his stage persona that Niall just turned his head and
half-shouted into Harry’s ear,
“H, I’m Ace!”
Harry threw his head back in laughter. “Well don’t hold back! Self esteem’s a good look for you Niall.”
“What? No no, asexual, Harry.” Niall chuckled a little uncomfortably as Harry got a confused frog look on his face. Liam was almost wrapping up his bit so when Harry started to turn away after one more uncomprehending glance, Niall felt a spike of cold panic through him and grabbed Harry’s arm. This was not how he meant for this to go.
“Haz, I’m coming out to you, pet. I’ll explain it to you later but I just wanted you to know finally.”
“Oooh,” Harry’s eyebrows knitted together and he bit his lip, “okay, I don’t know what that means but thanks for telling me...?”
Niall saw Louis look at them with a quirking smile and a cocked head and he sighed and smiled at Harry and gave him a little shove.
“‘S all good, go prance your fuckin heart out, Bambi.”
There was a moment of hesitation but then Harry beamed at Niall and accepted the olive branch for what it was. In an instant, they were both back to the performance whole heartedly and Niall only felt mildly amused rather than squeamish when a girl flashed Liam from the front row in the middle of What Makes You Beautiful and Harry mimed a blow job at Zayn’s mic and Louis made a show of stealing Josh’s hat on the other side of the stage as a distraction, grinning maniacally yet kindly at Niall the whole time.
5.
Niall was still laughing as he turned in his seat to reach for the next CD to be signed. Zayn had smacked a kiss on Liam’s forehead, standing up to reach across Harry but kneeing him in the crotch by accident, and Harry had collapsed dramatically onto the t-shirt he was supposed to be signing for a fan as they gasped and covered their mouth, trying to stop their own giggles. The whole line turned into more of a mess than it had been as Louis shouted at the lads for “causing a catastrophe” and Harry weakly hauled himself upright again. The CD was signed and Niall gave the fan a happy grin.
“Could you please sign this as well?” She pulled a folded little rainbow flag from where it was tucked in the strap of her cropped tank top.
“Course!” Niall spread it on the table and read the fabric-painted words
“WE ARE ALL
~ LGBTQ ~
1D FAMILY”
He pushed the flag so it was between himself and Louis, who reached for the other corner to sign at the same time. Louis drew a little smiley face with x’s for eyes and his name scrawled across the yellow and orange lines, and Niall quickly scribbled his own signature on the purple line. Louis pulled his corner to hand it Liam but -
“Wait, Lou!” Niall caught his edge again and pulled the flag back. On the middle line, after the Q, he hesitated and then added IA+, gave the girl a last smile, and greeted the next fan.
Niall didn't even care that the girl's friend right behind her had got the whole thing on camera and it would probably be all over the internet within a few minutes. He could breathe, now that the words were no longer crawling up his throat, trying to come out. And Louis's quick hand squeezes his shoulder and then rubbed down his back, before he left his arm around the back of Niall's chair, warding away the black hole. Niall felt Louis laugh with a hot breath into his ear.
“Fucking love you, Ni. You’re so Ace, lad.”
Niall didn't care that Louis's attempt at a whisper had probably been heard by everyone in the line. He threw his head back and cackled.