Chapter Text
Clare Devlin has never fallen in love. In fact, she was unable to reckon the first time she realized a girl was pretty. She simply woke up one day and assumed women were the most amazing beings in the universe. Correction, the most amazing mammals in the universe. According to Mrs. Daniels, human beings were animals as well. And therefore, humans had instincts. In Clare's case, she was accustomed to controlling her life by logic and reason. As a consequence, she always tried to do and most importantly feel as logically as possible.
Nonetheless, the moment she saw Emily her mind stopped working and all lights in her brain turned out suddenly. She was beautiful, outstanding even. She had blue eyes and black hair. A rare combination that Clare has never seen before in Derry. She can still remember the cologne she was wearing the first day of school, it was a perfect fragrance of hyacinths and roses. For destiny or luck, as soon as Emily entered the room she introduced herself by saying something Clare wasn't expecting at all.
"My name is Emily and I'm gay"
Since Clare has come out a year ago, all her classmates were accustomed to seeing her as a lesbian. But none of them were ready to see two wee lesbians in the school. Three if James were considered part of the equation, people always assumed he was gay by default. However, the blonde girl was not ready to deal with the fact that an apparently beautiful lass was standing in front of her and she couldn't stop smiling stupidly. Was she in love? How could she tell? Clare was a person of evidence, trial, and error. So, as a natural action, she wrote a list on the side of her folder to figure out her real feelings.
Evidence
1# she is beautiful
2# my heart beats fast when I see her
3# I want to kiss her
Result: in love
As soon as she wrote the last word a bigger smile appeared on her lips. She was truly happy with the result of her experiment. However, now that the truth was out a question came to her head unexpectedly
What if she doesn't fancy me?
She frowned slowly and moved her eyes down to the floor under her feet. Was her heartbroken? So fast? It couldn't be. Nonetheless, Clare had a point. She has never courted a woman before. Or as her friends said, she has never flirted with anyone before. Yes, she was used to talking to women since she came out, but it was never as serious as now. She was in love! For the first time! It was a huge event indeed. She had to come out with a plan to win Emily's heart. How could she proceed now? She could probably tell her she was gay as well. Maybe it would help. But, how could an amazing woman like her ever see Clare as nothing more than a wee lesbian? It was more complicated than it seemed.
The problem was also that, Clare didn't like the way she looked in front of the mirror. She had blue eyes, blond hair, and was tiny. Of course, she was smart. Yet, Clare usually felt like the less favorable member of her group. Erin, Orla, and Michelle were beautiful and amazing women compared to her. Even James had his good stuff, despite the English thing. Emily would never fancy her because she didn't look cute, or even...
Desirable
She wasn't desirable as Erin or Michelle. In Michelle's case, fellas from all places tended to adore her and fall to her feet. And Erin, well, a wee fella was crazy about her but she was too blind to notice. However, Clare never felt desired as nothing more than an intelligent member of a group project. How did her friends do to look unreachable? What was their secret?. At that exact moment, she saw a hand reaching her pencil case and grabbing a pink pen from it. Still wandering in her own thoughts the blonde girl looked at her and found her answer. It was the most mental idea she has had in the day, but, maybe, it could work.
"Clare?"
Murmured Michelle with a confused look on her face and getting as closer to her to avoid getting punished for talking in class. Her voice made the tiny girl shake her head quickly and went back to reality. A reality where something unexpected was about to happen.
"Can we talk after class?"
Questioned Clare using the same tone and leaving a mystery halo in Michelle's mind. Still confused about the urgency of her best friend request, the curly girl nodded her head and focused on Mrs. Daniels again.
In an unsuccessful effort to calm her heartbeat, Clare bit her pencil and tried to focus on the teacher and her explanation about the DNA. But it was impossible, she was too excited to tell Michelle her plan. Emily would fancy her, it was for sure.
Little did she know her best friend was looking at her trying to find a reason behind her nervous behavior.
What was wrong with Clare today?
She decided the best time to ask her was during the break when sister Michael was having lunch. Exactly at 3:15 pm, in about five minutes. In the meantime, she took advantage of her five minutes to admire Emily and her group of friends. Gosh, she smiled as a Greek Goddess. How someone could be so perfect?. While silly smiling, Clare looked at her watch again. It was time. It was now or never. She grabbed Michelle by the arm and moved her away from the rest of the girls, receiving an angry look from them as a response. She dragged her through the hallways avoiding students as she walked until she arrived at the east wing of the school. There it was her safe place, a place she used to hide before being friends with the girls. Clare opened a door labeled as "computer room" and entered as if it were her own house. Then, she turned on the lights with her free hand and opened two doors. There it was, as familiar as always. She offered Michelle enter first, speechless, the curly girl entered the narrow place. It was her turn to enter again, it gave her goosebumps. When she closed the doors, darkness invaded the small place.
Why the hell did Clare take her to a closet? Questioned Michelle while her eyes were getting accustomed to the lack of light.
"What are we doing here?"
Asked the tall girl once she was able to identify her friend's blue eyes in the darkness. If she didn't have an answer quickly she would go mad. Ever since the first period, her head was trying to decode Clare's weird behavior, from the silly laughs to the mysterious chats. Also, were there any spiders in there? Why did she decide to follow her there? Well, she technically dragged her there, it's not like she had any other options.
"I need your help"
Her sentence made Michelle's eyebrows go up and wait silently for an explanation. It was certainly one of the first times her friend asked for her help. It must be an emergency, right? For a strange reason, she enjoyed Clare trusting her for the first time.
"Can you be my girlfriend?"
Now Michelle definitely almost passed out. Was it a joke? Was James part of the joke? Stupid English fella. Just when she opened her mouth to answer back and shout at her, Clare interrupted suddenly
"I'm not joking! please, Michelle, let me explain, okay?"
The curly girl, still trying to understand the situation, angrily crossed her arms and whispered a small "yes" that made Clare smile again.
"So...there's a girl"
Started Clare avoiding her friend's look and biting her lip unconsciously. After that, she took a deep breath and continue talking when Michelle didn't interrupt her, she was on her lucky day.
"And well, she is a lesbian too but I-
"Emily?"
Asked Michelle with a knowingly smile on her face. She confirmed her theory once she saw Clare's blush. She was being very obvious.
"Yes"
Answered Clare with her heart still beating erratically on her chest ever since Emily appeared in the conversation. She had to focus, or everything would be in vain.
"And I want to like her but I didn't know how to do it"
Finally. Her heart was beating normally again. She used her moment of peace to finish her explanation.
"Until I thought I needed to look desirable like you and Erin"
Michelle surprised to hear she was desirable. She truly believed she was pretty and even sexy, but never an adjective as desirable came to her head when describing herself. It took her out of the blue to consciously know her best friend looked at her like that. Clare was full of surprises.
"And I realized that probably a girlfriend could make me look like that, and well..."
Clare avoided her eyes again and laughed nervously. It was the first time she was asking a lass to be her girlfriend and it would be fake, she had the permission to be nervous, right?.
"Can you help me look desirable?"
Michelle took a deep breath and consider her options. She has never dated a woman before, all she wanted was to ride fellas and marry a rich old man one day. Not in a million years, she has imagined her best friend would ask her to be her fake girlfriend. It would have its consequences. She was going to win something out of it.
"What's for me?"
Answered with a strong voice and a sassy smile. She wouldn't go without a proper arrangement, it wasn't her style after all.
"One year of free magazines and 20£"
She didn't have much to offer, she would have to say goodbye to Kate Winslet in her swimsuit and Jamal's yearly support. It hurt more than it seemed to simple view.
"Yes"
Answered Michelle after an intense silence she used to imagine how much lipstick she could buy with 20£. She would make her best friend look unreachable, she was going to be her girlfriend (not real of course) after all.
"With one condition"
Clarified the curly girl with a mysterious look on her face that made Clare shutter inside.
"The rest of the girls can't know it's fake"
The mere idea of lying to her dearest friend's made Clare feel sick, but the girl in front of her was more experienced than her on the dating field, or how she liked to call it the battlefield. Michelle would never do anything to ruin her plan, right?. Clare could do nothing more than a simple movement with her head and a smile she emphasized with a laugh that came without previous notice. Michelle smiled as well and placed one finger on her chin lifting it up to face her directly.
"Let's do this"
Whispered to no one in particular while retouching her lipstick and leaving Clare's chin alone as a consequence. It was a matter of fact Clare has never been touched like that for a woman before, she would have to get used to it now. It was normal to blush because of it, a natural response to someone else's touch. But, to be completely honest with herself, what was normal now that she was dating Michelle?
Michelle had the great idea of asking Clare to be her girlfriend in the middle of the stairs, one week after their conversation in the closet. In the meantime, She planned to flirt with her in class to make people wonder what was actually happening between them. Especially to confuse her friends so they could start asking questions. As a consequence, she would look more at Clare during class and give her small touches on her hands casually. She would also laugh and smile wider when talking to her or about her. Her unusual actions paid off and she was able to notice Erin and James curious looks at her. Even Emily was noticing how she was paying attention to Clare. It was working as planned. The day arrived sooner than Clare originally planned and she couldn't help feeling anxious inside. She felt calm when she felt Michelle's hand on hers. She was casually holding her hand from under the desk. For an unknown reason, her soft touch made her blush again. She wasn't good at this.
"Can I have everyone's attention?"
Screamed Michelle to the people in front of the stairs while standing next to Clare who was looking at the floor again.
"I have an announcement to make"
Said louder and making a thousand eyes look at her directly and getting a small crowd as a consequence. She could distinguish her friends in the distance as well. There was no turning back now.
"I have a question to make actually"
Clarified to the curious eyes in front of her. She took a deep breath and grabbed Clare's hand. She noticed her friend was sweating and shaking. She was also able to identify her heartbeat was rushing on her chest. It was harder than it seemed in the movies.
"Clare?"
Asked using the softest voice she could make and trying to prevent herself from shuttering. She had no explanation for the reason behind her nervousness. When the girl whose hand she was holding smiled she gained confidence enough to continue the speech Clare herself has written for her.
"You have been my friend for my whole life, you were there in every minute of my life with your math and books"
She heard a couple of laughs in the distance and she could swear she saw Clare's eyes shine by her words. It made her feel absurdly cheerful.
"But recently"
She left a few seconds for the dramatic pause they have planned and then continued.
"You became more"
Were people whispering? It didn't matter now, she was asking Clare to be her fucking fake girlfriend.
"And I guess I'm more too, right?"
Questioned Michelle to her best friend while smiling at her. As planned, Clare laughed and whispered "yes" louder enough for some listeners to listen and spread it around.
"So, because we are more to one another I wanted to make you an important question"
Another dramatic pause for emphasis, as Clare wrote. Then, she got closer to her and touched her cheek to make it look real and bent on one knee saying the determinant question.
"Would you be my girlfriend?"
Michelle has never listened to a stronger silence. People were in shock, of course, Michelle never admitted being a wee lesbian before, it was unbelievable. After a moment of no spoken words, she heard some people shouting "say yes!" Encouraging Clare to answer the question. While her blonde friend was pretending to think, she acted out as she was devastated by the lack of answer and stood up quickly. Just when she was going downstairs, Clare grinned and screamed for everyone to listen.
"Yes! I will be your girlfriend!"
Michelle went upstairs again and hugged her friend, this time the gesture was real. Emily will see how amazing Clare actually was now, she had a girlfriend for a reason, didn't she?. The tall girl grabbed her hand and intertwine her fingers with hers. She guided her to the rest of the group and smiled widely to make the reaction look true. They talked with the gang for a while until Clare, still holding hands with her, dragged her to one corner away from her friends and kissed her cheek.
"Thank you"
Whispered directly to her face and then added really quickly.
"They totally believed it"
Michelle, still in shock at the kiss on the cheek, nodded with her head and said.
"Of course they did, girlfriend"
She has never seen Clare smile so brightly. Her plan would work, she already looked desirable for her. Emily was going to be so jealous of her.
"Our friends call us, girlfriend"
Michelle followed Clare as a sign of light in the middle of the ocean and never left her side. All-day her hands were holding hers, as time passed, she was getting used to it. There was one issue she needed to discuss with Clare, however. A topic she never thought would have to arrange with her best friend before. But it could wait until tomorrow, for now, she has successfully asked Clare to be with her and she said yes. She said fucking yes! A fake yes clearly.
Incredibly, some things wouldn't be fake.
How do you ask your lifetime best friend to kiss her and not make it weird? Questioned Michelle to herself after arriving at Clare's front door. Three days after officially dating her, she realized she has been given suspicious looks from people around them. They haven't kissed yet and people have noticed it. Especially Erin, who would examine their exchanges and conversations. If she would have been in her friend's situation, she would have been surprised by the sudden way in which events turned out. But there is no way she could regret her decision, right?. When Clare opened the door, she smiled as always, but Michelle was able to identify a hint of doubt in her smile. It made her feel even scarier.
"How do we do this?"
Asked Clare once the couple arrived at the bedroom. They were sitting in her room facing one another. As an evasive gesture, she put a bunch of blonde hair behind her ear. She has never kissed a woman before, it was simply something she was not prepared to do yet. In fact, she has only witnessed couples kissing in movies and books. According to her source material, a kiss was meant to be a huge step in the right direction. When Elizabeth kissed Mr.Darcy his love confession has been said and they consumed their love after it. When Jack kissed Rose, she promised to be with him her entire life. A kiss between two people was meant to be a love sign, a pact of eternal compromise. Or at least that's how she believed it was until she saw her friends kissing strangers at parties. Especially the girl In front of her who now was getting closer and closer. That is not how she imagined her first kiss, she had to stop it, she wasn't ready yet. It had to be quick, or Michelle would kiss her first.
"Wait!"
Screamed or more specifically shriek, her reaction made Michelle move as far as possible from her and end up on the other corner of the bed. She couldn't help laughing at her friend's reaction to a possible kiss scenario. It was cute, more than she was comfortably admitting.
"What's the problem now Clare, it's just a kiss! Jesus!"
Jokingly screamed Michelle while getting closer to her and looking significantly at her. She wasn't comfortable with her best friend feeling unsafe around her. She was clearly nervous and it was probably her first kiss, why being her first kiss made her feel so dizzy inside?.
"You are doing it wrong!"
Answered Clare while trying to hide a smile that came out of nowhere. Kissing someone was more than a physical act, Michelle needed to understand that in one way or another.
"How am I going to-
Started asking Michelle Irritatedly. She was running out of patience and Clare's decoded messages weren't a good treatment for her.
"You have to ask me"
Finally said the blonde girl shaking nervously again and biting her lip. Then, she closed her eyes and looked down to the floor. Crap. Thought Michelle when her best friend suggested her idea. It made her feel pleased and bad simultaneously. She hoped she wouldn't have to beg for a kiss, she never asked someone permission to kiss them. She just did it before alcohol effects would go away. Fuck, this was more important for Clare than she imagined. If she wanted an invitation, an invitation she would have. Michelle moved closer to her and lifted her chin, it was the second time she has done that action, and somehow it made her heart shutter inside of her. She didn't question why, it was probably because of their current situation. When Michelle touched her hair her desire to kiss her intensified inside of her, stupid hormones, always ruining everything. However, nothing compared to how her tender eyes made her feel. It was strange, it was uncommon, it was new.
"Clare?"
Asked Michelle using a voice she never heard coming from her lips before. For a still unknown reason, it made Clare appear less tense. Finally.
"Can I kiss you?"
Her question acted as an impact on her own emotions. And it has made an intense impact on Clare as well.
"Yes"
Her response was short, consistent, and shy at the same time. Nonetheless, it was strong enough to make Michelle's hands move by themselves and grab her by the shoulders, now she could feel her perfume, her nervousness, and her sweet breath that tasted like mint and something more. As many other times before, Michelle closed her eyes and proceeded to kiss her lips. The kiss started as two pairs of lips one on top of another, Clare's lips were frozen and Michelle could sense her awkwardness. They remained in an uncomfortable position for a while until Michelle started separating herself from her lips. However, she couldn't move further because a pair of small hands moved her face and out of a sudden she was kissing Clare again. But this time it felt like a kiss, a real kiss. Unless, of course, it was fake. And it was then when Michelle separated from Clare.
Clare was satisfied with herself, she had finally kissed a girl, a real girl! and not her posters on her wall. Furthermore, if her plan worked out as planned, she would be able to kiss Emily with prior experience. She couldn't be happier.
Otherwise, her best friend never questioned why she would be glad to kiss Clare as many times as possible if it meant her plan would turn out successfully.
Emily was going to wish kissing Clare.