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You breathe in through your nose, fingers steadily tapping against your chest rhythmically. You remember Hafu calling the motion ‘butterfly tapping,’ you thought the name was far too soft for what it was supposed to help. At this point you don’t care, it helps calm you down during moments like this.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
Your breathing calms down, and you open your eyes. Your crew hadn’t noticed thankfully, though you know they would all be kind if they had. Everyone on the ship has had their freak-outs, everyone on the ship has suffered the same struggles. But you prefer to calm down on your own, many of those on the spaceships do.
Steve had talked about it yesterday, bitterness and resentment clinging to his words. He had mentioned how every volunteer on the ship ended up the same way; ended up paranoid and anxious. The imposter games were toxic, they infected everyone over time and twisted the competitors' mental states. But then again, you thought that you might've already been sick in the head before you arrived.
It’s why you had joined the imposter games.
“5up?”
There’s a yellow suit in front of you, and you look up. It’s Hafu, she doesn’t reach out though- you can’t tell if you’re relieved or not.
“You alright?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” You reply, your heart still audible in your ears. “Just thinking.”
“Don’t make it a habit,” She chuckles. “At least not until the end of the lobby.”
You nod in response, aware of the cameras watching your every movement. They aren’t on right now, but they could be at any moment. Far too many people watched the imposter games- especially Hafu’s morning lobby. You consider yourself lucky to have gotten in, all things considered. There are plenty of other lobbies, ones with mics disabled or higher stakes, ones far too serious or aggressive to last in. Many refer to them as ‘public lobbies,’ they’re the easiest to get into. Anyone can volunteer for those, to get into private lobbies you had to be noticed by someone who owned a lobby, someone like Hafu.
You had met Hafu in a private lobby on a trial basis, though the lobby hadn’t been nearly as nice as the one Hafu made.
“Of course, of course.”
She was likely smiling, but you couldn’t see with the suit on. Everyone in the imposter games wore a spacesuit, partially for atmosphere, and partially so others wouldn’t distrust them for their success in the games. Suits could be taken off back at their dorm complex in Twitch, with a locked elevator keeping all the participants from any unwanted outsiders. It was a safety precaution, many didn’t trust the volunteers.
You can’t blame them.
“Alright everyone,” Hafu chirps loudly, a countdown starting above the dropship door. “Deafen!”
You click off your headset, the silence that came from Skeld seeming to pour into your ears like freezing water. Skeld was a smaller map, perfect for locking doors and camping bodies- that was the usual strategy. You didn’t prefer that one, you were more known for risky vision plays and strangely believable alibis. This lobby knew that of course, but could rarely get enough evidence to prove it when you did get imposter.
The inside of your helmet lit up red for a moment, though no one else could see.
Imposter.
The groups gathered around the meeting table for a moment before the ad break ended, and the camera’s flick red. Let the games begin, you suppose.
You fake download, the taskbar is disabled outside of meetings so you don’t have to worry about the timing as much. You see Tina and Peter stop at weapons and you slip into the vent below you. And just like that, the familiar game continues.
You get a kill, the gun that materializes in your hand disappearing immediately afterward. You vent up back to the download before they get off, the weapons screen covers the vent unless you’re looking for a vent pop- but there are few who can see it through the staticky green screen. You join them on weapons, and Peter walks away. Tina waits for you, orange suit spinning in little circles.
A meeting is called.
“5up’s clear!” Tina happily reports. You know she’ll be pissed with you later, but you also know it’ll be more exasperated and teasing than anything. “He was on download and then weapons with me, couldn’t have gotten this kill.”
“Tina’s clear,” You reaffirm. “I saw her and Peter on weapons before my download, and when I got off weapons she was guarding me.”
Hafu doesn’t seem to buy it completely, but she doesn’t do more than let out a little hum of disapproval. You know she’s got to go, Dumbdog doesn’t seem to completely buy it either. The meeting ends, Peter and Toast are under scrutiny.
You go to medbay.
Despite the fact that your alibi is fairly solid, you don’t feel as excited as normal, and you know why. It’s because of the anxiety pooling in your gut and the strange distance in your mind. You feel disconnected, but you don’t slow down. Your partner gets caught the next round, you vote her out and watch her fly out the ship from the large windows.
She twitches for a moment before disappearing from view- and you know she’s locked into spectator more or ‘ghost mode.’
You know it hurts for a few minutes afterward, your lungs ache and tighten before you're back on the ship. Everyone in Hafu’s lobby has played long enough to get used to it.
You don’t want to be voted out though, your throat feels like it’s closing enough already.
Hafu and DK die are murdered by you , you fix lights and report DK. Peter and Tina don’t trust Steve, you laugh and say you’re suspicious of Peter for the first kill still. Steve is voted out, and when Hafu reminds you to deafen, you hear Peter curse.
Tina is frozen, Peter runs up to you despite knowing you can’t hear him. Your kill cooldown flashes hidden at the bottom of your visor, you wait for a bit before you hit the sabotage. The loud echoes above your head, red lights flashing through the room. None of you move.
Peter nods at you despite the stiffness of the suit, it’s barely recognizable. A serrated knife materializes in your hand and you plunge it into his back. You wish you would have gotten the snapped neck animation, the knife always hurts the worst.
You’re back at dropship.
Your headset clicks back on to the sound of laughter, crewmates congratulate you and give you some light ribbing for killing them. Peter takes a moment before he recovers and joins in on the conversation. Your gut twists.
You had fun, but not as much this time. This happens occasionally, the sudden discomfort towards the game. Towards your life.
You’ve been in the imposter games every day for almost a year now, only occasionally using your afternoons to go into other realms. You’ve gone to Dead By Daylight and Minecraft a few times, but not nearly enough. You think you might be this distant no matter where you are though, you’d see death in the shadows and feel as though your body is being controlled by someone else. Like a puppet on strings.
“5up?”
You glance at Peter, though you can’t see his face. You give a little hum of question, trying to moderate the rise and fall of your chest. breathing is easily visible in the spacesuits, likely to prevent any sort of confusion if someone’s suit rips.
“The stream ended.”
Oh.
You don’t look at the cameras, you trust Peter. You do, no matter how the back of your neck itches and your hands sweat beneath your gloves. “Yeah sorry, just got distracted.”
“Yeah…” Peter pulls off his helmet, and you can see his concern. “You’ve been pretty distracted today, man.”
“Yeah, it’s just a weird day.”
No one else is still in the lobby, and it’ll close soon and you’ll be back in the dorm complex. You want to be back there, but you’d prefer to calm down here first. They’ve all had their freakouts, which is likely why so many left already. You wonder how many people noticed, you hope they aren’t worried- but you don’t think you care that much either way.
“Do you want a hug?”
His arms are open, but you can feel the clingy plastic of your spacesuit against your arm and you don’t want it to be any closer. You want to rip the suit from your skin and let it fall to the floor. You want to get rid of the awful crawling sensation along your arms. “When we get back, please? The suit, it’s just…”
Understanding shows in Peter’s eyes and he grins lightly. “Of course, then we can make pastries? Remember, Fundy’s gonna visit tomorrow, so you can impress him.”
You giggle tiredly, but you feel a bit present than before. “They’ll be cold though, I don’t-“
The lobby disconnects and a pulling feeling swallows you from your gut outward in a sickening spiral. Your feet slam into the ground and you hold still with your eyes clenched shut to regain your bearings. The staticky spiraling disappears, and you open your eyes. Peter’s eyes are still clenched shut, his large sweatshirt bunched in his arms as he hugs himself for stability. You wait until his eyes open, being touched when you’re still recovering from lag is torture. But it fades soon enough.
“That was good timing.”
You laugh, it lightens your chest. “Oh definitely.”
He steps forward and brings his arm up in question and you step into the hug. Your tension fades a bit and then you walk back out to the kitchen. “Just tell me if you’re spiraling next time,” He scolds lightheartedly before you’re in the shared kitchen for the dorms. Tina grins up at him from where Dumbdog is trying to teach her to play chess.
“Is pink man feeling any better?”
You scowl down at her, aggressively squinting your eyes to make up for your mouth being hidden by your scarf. She giggles in response, clearly unaffected.
“Oh yeah, he’s fine. We’re taking the kitchen now,” Peter replies easily. “Anyone want to help?”
“I will,” Janet replied offhandedly. “Just let me finish this first.”
Despite the teasing, you feel your cheeks aching from the smiling, the tightness in your chest fading more and more by the moment. Hafu’s sitting crosslegged on a chair, texting on her communicator. She rarely spends the night, her fiancé is only a short trip away. Still, she grins up when you walk in.
“Feeling any better, 5up?”
“Fine,” You reply, wondering if everyone had noticed you had been off. “I’m just tired now.”
“You won’t be for long,” She grinned. “Tubbo’s coming over, apparently he got married.”
Hafu knows how to make you feel better, a visit from your self-proclaimed little brother is definitely a step in the right direction. He’s good at cheering people up. “Already?”
“Yeah, you remember Ranboo.”
“Of course,” You chuckle, previous confusion lessened. “I miss Cogchamp, is it platonic or no?”
“Yeah, they’ve adopted a son as well. His name is Michael.”
You smile, mentally picturing Tubbo trying to calm down a child. This’ll be an interesting visit for sure. “Tell him to bring them if he wants, I’ll make hot chocolate.”
Hafu flashed a thumbs up briefly, turning back to her phone.
Before long, you’re lost in the rhythm of baking, throwing out instructions, and weaving between your two helpers. Your cheek has flower on it, your hands have filling. You feel a bit breathless and more relaxed than you’ve felt all day, the doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it,” You smile. Peter and Janet are laying on the couch after the baking, clearly tired from the activity. Tubbo usually takes longer to get here, especially if he’s going to bring Ranboo and Michael. You turn the knob and truly lose your breath.
“5up! I missed you!”
You’re hugging him, the last of the tension lingering in your chest fades as you sink into the hug. Your hands shake but he doesn’t mention it, holding you just as tightly. Then he pulls back, switching to holding your hands and pressing light kisses across your knuckles.
“I thought you weren’t coming till tomorrow,” You admit, hoping that your scarf covers your blush. He smiles lightly, but he always smiles at you so you can’t tell.
“I came early,” He chuckled, pressing his forehead against yours. “The SMP has been chaotic lately, it’s been too long.”
“Yeah,” You chuckle, holding on tighter. “Way too long.”
You wait a moment before pulling him inside and closing the door. “Hafu told you I was stressed then?”
“She told me you dissociated, yes,” He replies. His nose bumps against yours and you understand why he came early. “She texted me about halfway through your lobby, next time I expect you to text me, alright?”
“Okie,” You agree. “I’ll do that.”
He smiles, eyes impossibly fond as he curls his free hand around the edge of your scarf in question. You hum in confirmation and he pulls it down to press a quick kiss to your lips. You’re sure you’re covered in flower but he doesn’t mention it. Pressing another peck there before putting the scarf back and squeezing your hand. “Who else is coming?”
“Tubbo and Ranboo, and their son?”
“Yeah,” Fundy chuckled. “Glad they’re letting Michael out of the house.”
You shoot him a questioning look and he rolls his eyes. “They were a bit overprotective at first, Phliza and I had to explain a bit about raising a kid.”
“Well they are children,” You reply as you pull him into the living room. Greetings are shouted, and you feel more present. The soft sleeve of your sweater is pulled down to rest more comfortably now that you notice it.
“We’re watching a movie tonight,” Fundy tells you once you’re in the kitchen. Hafu’s talking to DK now, but she has a blanket. Both greet Fundy before returning to their conversation. “What do you feel like?”
“Maybe just rewatch Soul? Can we?”
“Of course.”
You set the water to boil while Fundy starts making the chocolate, you sprinkle cinnamon into the mix and add a bit of peppermint to yours and Tubbo’s. Your hands are holding Fundy’s and the package of mint. It’s so easy to imagine a gun or a knife there if not for Funny’s warmth and the sharp smell of the mint. You’re not there, you’re not in the games right now.
Tomorrow you will be in the games, and it might be scary or it might be fun. It’s usually fun. But right now your hands do not destroy and you’re not in danger. You’re surrounded by friends and the last of your family is on the way. The kettle begins to whistle, and you smile.
“Thanks.”
Tina screeches in the other room, and Steve’s laughter is loud and unrestrained. Fundy nuzzles his nose into the back of your neck. “Of course.”
"We love you."