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The wounds on her back ached terribly, her breath coming in short with every laboured step, the cuts on her upper thigh screaming. She was battered, bruised, bleeding and full of pain killers, but the pain still laced through her.
She’s helped off her ship by the two boys who meet her there, both already aware of her state before she even docked. Her hair is soaked with her sweat, yet dried with her blood. At least her clothes are clean. She’ll have to thank her doctor for that later, but right now she’s trying not to lose her stomach.
She’s whisked away, leaning heavily on Jesper, his warmth a comfort from the chills in her body. His hand rests on her head, unmoving. It's a nice anchor, grounding her in reality. “We're almost home,” Jesper says. “You’ll be able to rest in just a few.”
“Can you—” She coughs, “Can you get Kaz?”
She can feel Jesper’s short laugh. “Of course I can, captain .” She would have rolled her eyes if she could, but even that seems too hard right now, so she settles for a slight smile. The world starts to fade away.
She doesn’t feel Jesper pick her up, doesn’t feel them moving into the house. She doesn’t feel herself be settled unto the bed, doesn’t hear the family doctor arrive. Doesn’t feel her change her bandages. She certainly doesn’t hear Kaz come in, and everyone else awkwardly shuffling out as he takes the chair next to her.
She sleeps for almost two days, Kaz at her side at every free moment. Sometimes he fusses with the sheets, sometimes his gloved hand takes hers, but he cannot stand to touch her with his skin. Not when she's pale and drawn on the bed, the only sign of life being the steady rise and fall of her chest.
When the sun sets on Ketterdam on the second day, she opens her eyes. If by some invisible force, they immediately drag towards him and they sit for a moment, eyes unable to pull apart, tethered like magnets. Then slowly, the corners of her mouth lift, revealing a small smile.
Kaz returns it with a mirrored smile, but his eyes quickly drop to the bandages on her face. To her stomach, where she can feel more, and her upper leg, where there’s even more. He looks like he’s thinking hard and slowly, uncertainly, he says “You need your bandages changed.”
Inej looks around for the doctor. “She went home for the night,” Kaz says. There’s a pause, “I’ll do it.”
Inej glances at him, throat becoming sticky. “Okay,” She chokes out. “Okay.” She remembers them, sixteen and seventeen years old, in a bathroom, the marble of the sink cool under her fingers. The throb of her wounds and the only sound being his laboured breaths. Her words echoing, echoing, echoing.
He’s older now, the sharpness of his face evermore present with age. She is too, her experience invaluable in her line of work. She remembers his first words to him, swathed in false silks and with bells at her feet; I can help you .
She could help him. He could help her. So she nods, and he disappears into what she knows is the bathroom, coming back with a first aid kit. He gently sets it down beside her and sits in front of her.
He pulls off his current pair of gloves and puts on a fresh, clean pair. She stares at the long, pale fingers as they are revealed and again as they disappear under the leather.
“I’ll start with this,” He says, fingers hovering above the gauze on her face. He makes sure to meet her eyes, “We’ll work down. Is that okay?” A mute nod.
“Inej, I need words, okay?” He says, “Yes or no?”
“Yes,” She says on her exhale.
“If you need me to stop, tell me, okay?” She nods.
“Yes or no, dear.”
“Sorry, yes.”
“Don’t apologise, it’s okay. I don’t want to do something you aren’t okay with, that all.” His eyes pull away from hers, focusing on the gauze. Gently, he pulls it away, but Inej still hisses at the pain.
“I know,” he says. “I know. I’m going to clean the wound now, it may sting. I’m not trying to hurt you.”
She nods, something nagging at the back of her head. Something dark, something heavy. She pushes it away and focuses on the real world. Kaz’s clean leather gloves brushing lightly against her face, the sting of the cream. Then the pressure of the bandage, and just like that, her face wound is clean.
Next is the deep cut on her back, trailing from a little under her shoulder blade to the opposite hip. The man who had given it to her had been a captive of hers, lashing out when she turned her back to give orders, assuming he was being dragged away by those holding him. But he’d wrangled out of their grip, picked up a fallen sword and swung. Inej didn’t have time to move, so the blade cut through her.
“Can you turn for me? Face the wall, I need to see your back,” Slowly, she did that. He scooted closer, his knee just barely brushing her. Slowly his hands come to her sides and he leans close to her.
“Inej, I need you to take off your shirt for this.” She tenses and tries to calm her panic by wondering if he’s blushing right now. “And for the one on your leg, your pants.”
She chokes, lurching forward. His hands catch her, and she can almost hear his grimace. “I won’t hurt you Inej, I’m not here to hurt you.”
She remembers now, and the memory is so vile, so vivid, she can’t move. She stares blankly at the wall, and she feels Kaz pull away, giving her space. “Don’t say that—” she says.
“Inej?”
“That’s what he said, and he lied, Kaz. He did hurt me, he hurt me so much—”
“Inej, who is he ?” Kaz cuts in.
Inej sucks in a shaky breath. The words tumble out of her mouth. “My first, my first client. I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t understand him, he was speaking Kerch, and I was so confused. And once I realised—” a shiver wracks her body.
Kaz is silent. “—Once I realised, realised what was happening, I pleaded for him to stop. Said, ‘Please don’t hurt me,’ and he spoke to me, in Suli, and told me he wouldn’t. Told me he was going to take care of me, he was going to love me. But he didn’t. He hurt me Kaz, Kaz— ”
“It’s okay, Inej,” He stops her, a fit of barely detectable anger in his tone. “You don’t need to tell me more, it’s okay.”
“Please don’t—” she shivers again, “Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t turn out like him.”
She can’t see him frown. See the burning hatred in his eyes, and she would never be able to guess how angry he was when his hands, gently, settle on her shoulders. Inej doesn’t tense up at this touch, she lets herself get used to the feeling. Remind herself that he won’t hurt her.
“I’m not going to. By all I hold dear, I will never do that to you.”
His hands, slowly, move down, reaching the hem of her shirt. It’s an old button-up, and he grabs her hands, guiding them to her buttons. “When you're ready, okay?” She nods. He moves away. She doesn’t know how many shuddering breaths she takes before she unbuttons the top button.
The next few take longer, but eventually, they’re all undone, and her bareback is to him, the only cover being the bandages he needs to remove. “Here’s the plan,” he says. She nods, “I’m going to start unwinding it, here in the back. I’ll hand it to you, and you’ll take the front. Same for when we bandage it back up. Does that sound okay?”
“Yes,” she says, “It’s fine.”
“Tell me when.” Two beats of silence.
“It’s okay.” Gently, his fingers pull up the bandage, pulling it away. He reaches her side, and she takes the bandage, wincing as it leaves her skin. They continue like that, the rhythm smoothing out as the seconds tick by. And then, the last of the bandage falls away.
The easy part comes next. He cleans the wound, wincing at every sound of pain Inej makes. Then, he presses the new bandage down, but Inej speaks as he waits for her to take the bandage.
“You do it.”
He glances up at her. “Are you sure?”
She laughs; a pained sound. “No. But I want to...I want to try.”
“I’m not doing anything if you’re not sure, love. Do you want me to do that?”
She pauses, collecting her thoughts. “Yes.”
He nods. Gently, he pulls the bandage around her. His own water rises at every little brush, but perhaps the need to help Inej is what keeps them down. One pass around. She can feel his hot breath on her every time he leans forward to wrap the front. He smells like smoke, coffee, and nice cologne.
Two passes around. Three. Four, five, six, and next thing she knows, the bandage is set. He’s pulled away, and silently, he hands her shirt back to her. She takes it, pulling it on with some help from Kaz. They sit in silence for a few minutes.
“Leg next,” He says. She nods, unable to speak. There will be no turned backs this time, no way to hide whatever emotions she may have. He can read her and she can read him. It’s a blessing and a curse. “Deep breaths,” he reminds her as they speed up.
His hand rests gently on her back. “Deep breaths Inej. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Don’t say that!” She spits, arms wrapping around her waist. He nods, and they’re silent for a few minutes. She can’t help but recall it all.
His breath smelled like beer, and his words were slurred. He stared at her and spoke to her in that alien tongue. She felt strange in these scratchy silks, like a mockery. She missed her mama and papa.
He approached her, and she took a step back, foot hitting the flimsy bed. She felt her face grow warm as he approached, muttering sweet words she didn’t know. She knew something was wrong, she wished she knew what.
His hands came on her side, and she tried to push him away, but despite his intoxication, he was still strong. He laughed a foul sound and then kissed her. Reality started to sink in for Inej, and she struggled.
More laughter, drowning out her begs. Then finally, words she knew, words that would forever be tainted in his mouth, “I won’t hurt you, lynx. I won’t hurt you, I’m here to take care of you. I’m here to love you.”
No one heard her screams, and if they did, they didn’t care.
“Inej, you’re shaking.” A familiar, welcome voice cut through her memories.
He had taken her head in his hands in his concern, the vice grip making the only place she could look his eyes. They were concerned and dark. She didn’t even realise she was crying until she felt his thumb swipe them away.
“Would you prefer Nina to change your bandages?” Kaz asked gently. There was no judgement, just love and concern. Kaz Brekker, sounding in love, was a daft idea but at the same time, it was perfect and sane.
She shook her head. “I want you to do it, Kaz, just, give me a minute. I need one.”
He nods, and leans back, running a hand through her hair. And when he hears her unbuttoning her pants, pushing them aside, he looks away, giving her privacy. And then she tells him she’s ready.
He doesn’t look at her while he pulls off the bandage. He knows she doesn’t like this, doesn’t like to be touched, even by him, there . He’s silent and focuses only on the wound. He cleans the wound, but when Inej lets loose a curse, he looks at her.
She’s pale, face sweaty. Her eyes are tightly shut, tears gathering in her eyes. He stops, and she takes a shuddery breath. “Do you need me to stop?” He asks gently. His hand leaves her skin, and he adjusts his gloves before laying one against the side of her face. She presses her cheek into his hand.
“Go on,” she whispered. “I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.” It sounds less like a reassurance to him, and more like one to herself. He doesn’t comment on it though, looking back down to her leg so he can finish cleaning the wound.
His hand is higher than he realises when he pulls her leg closer and she jerks away in an instant. Her breaths are ragged and short, and Kaz speaks, “You’re going to be okay Inej, it was just me, Inej. You’re going to be okay, it was just me, Inej .” He sounds desperate.
“Just you…?”
“Just me.”
She lets out a miserable sigh, opening her mouth to apologise, “Don’t say you’re sorry, Inej.” He stops her before she can. “There’s no need. You don’t have to apologise for any of this.”
She nods, closing her eyes. Kaz quietly moves forward, taking her leg in his lap. He bandages the wound and lets her leg fall back to the bed before making as much distance between him and her as the bed will allow as she pulls her pants back on.
He gets up after a few minutes, moving silently as Inej stares at the ceiling. He pulls off the pair of gloves he was wearing, reaching towards the gloves he had been wearing prior, before stopping. He looks at his hands, then at hers.
She smiles slightly at him, and he walks over to her side again. His hand rests on the bed, and Inej’s slowly creeps towards him. The first brush sends electricity up his spine and he closes his eyes, leaning forward as he calms himself down. He ignores the groan that escapes between his teeth.
Slowly, their hands intertwine. The room is dark now, the only light being the bedside tables lamp. The soft yellow light casts long shadows over both their faces. He smiles at her, and slowly brings her hand up to his lips. He gives her knuckles the lightest of kisses, but it sends butterflies flying in both of them.
The minutes bleed into hours. Slowly, they draw closer, and at some point, Kaz is sat, leaning over Inej with his forehead pressed lightly to hers. Her hands are in his hair, and the smile on his face is so infectious, it seems to light up the room like there is no tomorrow.
The throbbing fades when she’s with him. The water recedes with her. And there, for just a moment, they’re two young adults. No cares, no worries, just a gentle current of love to rock them to sleep and soothe their aching hearts and minds, wounds and joints.