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The place was crowded and Kei wasn't the biggest fan of that, but he couldn't complain about it because he was the one who wanted to be here at the first place anyway. Though the fact that it was dark made it easier for him to pretend as if everybody else was just a part of the darkness and the shadow. He looked over his shoulder, the company that he had brought along wasn't the biggest fan of crowd either.
On better days, or days that were just days, Kageyama could tolerate it better than Kei. He didn't like bumping into people, nobody did, but usually Kageyama wouldn't really get hung up on it that much. And Kei, well, he would feel quite pissed sometimes.
But today- tonight was different. This wasn't a better day, or a day that was just a day. This was a night where Kageyama Tobio just broke up with his boyfriend of three years.
Kei had received a phone call from Kageyama, which surprisingly wasn't exactly a rare occurrence, but Kei was still surprised.
Kageyama had called him a few days ago, while the sun was still up and shining in the sky, and Kei was just pouring himself the third cup of coffee that day. Kei had answered, he always did, and greeted Kageyama with the usual monotonous tone of voice.
"Hello, your Highness?"
"We broke up."
Kei didn't know what it was. He hadn't been able to see Kageyama's face, but something in his voice had told Kei that it wasn't a good break-up. He couldn't really put a finger on it, but it was there for him to hear.
Then he'd decided that the universe works in a strange way. He had planned to invite Kageyama- when he heard that the setter was visiting Sendai- to go with him to this live show of a band that Kei had been listening to. He'd thought about it when he saw the announcement on the band's official SNS and he'd continued to think about it as he bought the tickets. He'd also been thinking of a way to ask Kageyama.
The Gods had given him a hand in that by making Kageyama call him after his break-up.
Kei still thought that it was weird for Kageyama to call him. He'd thought that Kageyama would either call Hinata or Yachi first, and then maybe Yamaguchi or Sugawara. Kei should hear about it from them before Kageyama told him himself. Kei was supposed to be the last person to know about it.
"We're in the back," Kei said as Kageyama tried to keep up with him, making their way through the crowd.
They stood in the back, behind most people, but it wasn't a problem because the two of them were taller than everyone else in the room, and they got to see everything; the whole stage.
Kageyama was standing next to him, looking impassive as his eyes scanned the whole place. Kei wondered what he actually saw as he looked around. Had he tried to imagine himself standing here with a different person? His ex-boyfriend perhaps? Had the two of them ever been to a live show together? For their date?
Kei didn't know all that because Kageyama never talked about it unless he was prompted to do so- to be more exact, when their friends had to fish it out of him with their endless string of incessant teasing that would make Kageyama flush in a pretty red.
So maybe Kageyama did talk about it, and maybe Kei was supposed to know a thing or two no matter how small the details that Kageyama had shared with them.
Maybe, but more often than not, Kei would find himself tuning all of them out. Especially when they talked about Kageyama's relationship with his boyfriend. Now his ex-boyfriend. They'd been together for three whole years.
That made him wonder why the two of them broke up. He hadn't asked Kageyama because he thought it would be tactless somehow. Kageyama would tell him if he wanted Kei to know, but Kageyama would never talk about his boyfriend unless he was asked to, and Kei never really talked to Kageyama about his boyfriend before. Kei never wanted to know. Sometimes Kei liked to pretend that he didn't exist.
"Are you good?" Kei asked, glancing at Kageyama from the corner of his eye.
Kageyama nodded his head. "It's dark."
"It is." Kei looked around. "But it's not going to last long."
Suddenly, Kageyama took a hold of his wrist and pulled him closer to his side.
"Excuse me," a person passing in front of them said.
Kei just stood, watching as the person walked away. Kageyama's hand was still holding onto his wrist, and it made him think of the times where Kageyama would pull him to practice whenever Kei walked too slow in their third year.
Kageyama would talk a lot back then, mostly about how Kei shouldn't be missing practices because he had to a give good example for their underclassmen and Kageyama would sound so much like Yamaguchi right then that Kei wondered if Yamaguchi had taught him to say all those things.
Kei found this one thing weird as well. Kageyama could be really talkative sometimes, also loud, especially when it came to volleyball, but when they were out here, or somewhere else with their friends, Kageyama became very quiet. He would look around, always looking around, and he wasn't even searching for something but his eyes wandered away. Kei didn't know if his thoughts went along with them.
That made him wonder if Kageyama was just as talkative with his boyfriend before they broke up or before the very first set of issues in their relationship started to come in motion. Or maybe Kageyama was quiet in the company of his boyfriend.
What would they talk about? Maybe about how Kageyama's practices went with Schweiden Adlers. Maybe Kageyama would talk about volleyball with him, and then in return his boyfriend would tell him about university and stuff. About how his day went while Kageyama was out practicing.
"Careful," Kageyama said to him.
Kei watched as Kageyama's hand left his wrist, his eyes caught the glint of the silver band around Kageyama's ring finger. The very same one that his boyfriend- now ex-boyfriend- had given to him. The very same one that Kageyama would slip off his finger whenever he was on the court, and it would be hanging around his neck with a thin chain.
The very same one that Kei would glare at.
Kei imagined that Kageyama and his boyfriend would talk about simple things. What did you have for breakfast? Have you eaten yet? I saw this thing that reminded me of you. Hoshiumi-san slipped and fell on his butt today. I can't wait to see you. I miss you. I love you.
These things were things that they had had in their conversations over the phone. I can't wait to see you. I miss you. I love you- these were never said. Not between the two of them. And not something Kei would say aloud.
They would have these video calls, most of the time with the rest of their friends, and sometimes with just the two of them.
And when it was just the two of them, sometimes Kageyama would have this look on his face, as if he was glad to be talking to Kei. The blue-eyed setter would listen to what Kei was saying, looking at Kei with this tenderness in his eyes that was so foreign to Kei, but at the same time something that Kei had always wanted to receive, and it made him want to cry.
Because that gentle look that Kageyama would give him sometimes kicked the very deep wound that he had. It poked and messed with his feelings towards Kageyama which he had caged in, and with that would came along the fact that Kageyama was already in a relationship with someone else. A loud siren that would ring inside his head.
Did Kageyama look at his boyfriend in that way too? Or had it been something more tender? More intimate? Had Kageyama smiled a lot? Kei imagined that he had, and what a pretty image his mind had provided him.
"He fell out of love." His ears perked up at Kageyama's voice. "I didn't know that can happen."
Kei blinked his eyes, the laughter of a pair of girls reached him.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought that people just come to hate each other," Kageyama said quietly.
"Isn't that bad if things ended that way?"
"I don't know." Kageyama shrugged. "I wish he hated me."
Kei looked at him, both brows lifted, and Kageyama was still looking around.
"Why would you want that?" he asked.
Kageyama's lips twitched, and Kei could see the way he tried to stop himself from scowling. He watched as Kageyama took a deep breath, his chest moving as the air entered him. The release of it made his shoulders slump a little, and Kei found his own shoulders tensing up.
"King?" Kei's eyebrows dropped down, furrowing together when Kageyama stopped looking around, his gaze was instead focused on the ground.
"He's been seeing someone else," Kageyama finally replied, staring at his own shoes. "He said it's because I barely have the time for him."
A scream came from the crowd. Somewhere in front of them, someone had yelled out the name of the band in excitement. Kei flinched, then he grabbed his own hands, kneading them together in an attempt to calm himself down.
"I asked him if I was ever enough." Kageyama's voice lowered.
"Kageyama-"
"He told me that I was, at some point, but after a while he had to pretend that I was." Kageyama scoffed emptily. "I'd rather be punched than to hear that."
The words were as quiet as a passing cold wind that brushed against Kei's ears, but it pierced through his skin, made its way into his head and froze his brain. Still, he tried to think, tried to break the ice that held his gears in place. He had to say something, right? Something. Did he even have a place to say anything right now?
He didn't even realize that he had missed the beginning of the performance.
Kei looked ahead of him, to the stage. Blue and pink lights filled the stage, then a ghostly bright blue shot out behind the band. The vocalist was wearing a frilly long dress which reminded him of Yachi, who always liked that kind of dresses but had a hard time finding one that wouldn't make her look like a kid who had just finished raiding her mother's closet- these were Yachi's words. They all thought Yachi would look pretty in anything.
The vocalist's voice tore through the air, soft, loud and high. The bright light behind her lit her figure up.
"A child trapped in the night
Stopped breathing without expression."
The room became dark for a second, then the LED screen on the stage showed roses blooming to an opening, it switched to a black background with the title of the song they were performing along with scattered stars. The familiar piano tune greeted his ears as flowers appeared again, the colorful petals spreading across the screen.
Then the piano tune broke into heart-thrumming sounds of the instruments, piling up on top of each other, the lights blinking along rapidly with the music.
There were blue, green, white, and everything blended in. The lights shone against his glasses, blinding him for a very short moment, but he couldn't register it. The lights were there, in front of him, blasting in the dark venue together with the loud music.
Then the pink came back, flowing together with the blue. They spilled over the vocalist's figure, her cotton pink hair turned neon under the lights.
"There's nothing we can do about any of this
We're drowning in a world we can't change
Open your eyes, the shadows sink
But no matter how it seems right now, this is reality."
The pink left in the middle of her singing, and they were drowned in a darker shade of blue.
The first set of issues, as a drunken Kageyama had told him one day through a phone call, was of how his boyfriend had been meeting him less and less. Kageyama would have the time to meet, but he would be drowned in works. Conversations over the phone were cut short. Texts were often left without replies. Kageyama had told Kei that he'd chalked it up to his boyfriend being very busy.
"He doesn't kiss me anymore," Kageyama had told him, his voice was quiet, unbalanced. "It's lonely."
Then Kageyama had gone ahead and shared with him the fact that his boyfriend hadn't touched him at all for the past few months.
"Sometimes I get so- what's the word? Frustrated? I'd get so pent up and I'd have to deal with it alone," Kageyama had said to the phone, to Kei who had stopped his own drinking.
It shouldn't be like that, he'd wanted to tell Kageyama. You shouldn't be alone.
"Have you tried making the first move?" Kei had asked instead.
"He's always tired from university and work and all that." Kageyama's voice had lowered. "I don't push him. I don't wanna upset him."
Kei had wanted to feel bad for Kageyama. He had wanted to offer advices or maybe words of comfort because he knew that he would do that if it had happened to Yamaguchi. He would like to help Kageyama feel better.
Who was he kidding, really?
The room exploded with bright lights. The pink was back, now accompanied with red and a shade of green that he wasn't sure the name of. It was a familiar color. He remembered that one time where he was having a lunch with both Yamaguchi and Yachi. She had just painted her nails with this particular shade of green, and she had told them what color it was when they were torn between deciding if it was actually blue or just green.
Kei couldn't remember. Was it teal? Aqua? Or tosca?
"What is freedom? I selfishly hoped
That the pain you gave to me might be love."
He looked to his side, to Kageyama who was looking straight ahead into the blinking bright lights. The colors that poured over him made Kei suck in a deep breath. His nose stung and it felt tingly.
Then he noticed the tears spilling out of Kageyama's eyes.
They ran down his face, some clung to his lashes. They sparkled like diamonds, gems, and Kei started to ignore the performance.
His heart squeezed, and he felt a single tear rolling down his face. He quickly wiped it away and tried to calm himself before he cried even more.
He felt like he'd just been dropped into the deep sea. The sounds that filled his ears throbbed dully, they traveled and settled in the back of his head. He could feel his own face beginning to distort, and his hands were clenching the hem of his shirt.
The very first time he saw Kageyama cried was after their loss to Aoba Johsai. The team were eating together, and he saw both Kageyama and Hinata crying while they stuffed their face with food. The second time wasn't an actual cry, but Kageyama had shed a couple of tears because the harsh wind had blown dusts into his eyes. The third time was tears of joy; Kageyama had laughed so hard that he cried. It was something that Hinata had said and done which had driven him to that state, but Kei didn't remember what it was.
Kei wished he could remember, so then maybe he could use it to distract himself from crumbling down.
Had Kageyama cried a lot? If so, did he have someone to wipe the tears away for him? Had his ex-boyfriend ever provided comfort for Kageyama during the times that he would cry? Because Kei was sure that Kageyama would do that for someone. Had Kageyama been treated as nicely?
In the short seconds where the vocalist's voice was the only thing that filled the venue, with the pink light that blended in with the dark, Kei felt his own heart break.
It's lonely.
It shouldn't be like this, he rehearsed inside his head. You shouldn't be alone.
Kei thought about it. Kageyama could certainly find someone else to be with him. To hold and care for him. Kei even knew a handful of people that would be more than willing to take the empty spot next to Kageyama.
Someone else who wouldn't fall out of love. Someone else who wouldn't hurt him. There must be someone whose pinky finger was tied to the other end of Kageyama's red thread. It seemed to be such a flimsy little thing, but he had been told it was something that only the Gods would be able to break.
The Gods must hate him. Maybe they hated Kageyama as well.
That should be enough to bring us together, no? He thought to himself, almost in a hopeful manner, and he knew that was stupid.
And Kageyama was still wearing that goddamn ring.
"How long can you keep saying
That things are unfair or hopeless?"
The changing lights were slower this time, matching the music and the singing, but soon they picked up the speed and everything came back to him in a blasting wave that made him stagger a little.
"How much should I give up until you're satisfied?"
He wanted to be angry. He really did. But Kei found it really hard to do so while Kageyama was crying next to him, unaware of the way Kei's golden eyes drilled into him- of the way they tried to hold back tears themselves.
"It's laughable."
It burned. The fucking lights didn't help either.
The piano rang alone in the dark. The lights took an abrupt pause.
"Let's leave," he whispered to Kageyama who flinched.
Kageyama turned to look at him, his wide eyes were still drenched in tears. Kei could see the flowing stream on Kageyama's skin.
And they were bathed in colorful lights once again.
"Let's leave," Kei repeated once again when the band sounded loudly. "Let's go back."
Kageyama raised a hand up, his left hand that was still wearing the silver ring. He covered his face, which was a failed attempt because Kei could still make out the tears glistening on his skin.
"Why?" Kageyama's voice broke.
Kei narrowed his eyes. "You're crying."
"I'm fine!" Kageyama yelled, though his voice was drowned out by the band.
But I'm not, Kei thought as he pulled Kageyama's hand, but Kageyama didn't even budge. He kept standing on the same spot, his feet rooted to the floor, looking away from Kei and setting his eyes on the ground. His face was hidden away from the colorful lights.
He felt the dam breaking. Tears started to spill out of his eyes as Kageyama's side profile became blurry in his vision. He didn't try to wipe them away this time. Kei narrowed his eyes instead and they stung. It hurt.
Kei's grip on Kageyama's hand tightened, but Kageyama didn't protest. He let his hand be squeezed and crushed into dusts, but Kei didn't have the intention to hurt him. He just wished that Kageyama would look his way, would feel the warmth that he had to offer from his hand.
But Kageyama was still looking down.
Kei knew, painfully so, of the fact that he was the puzzle piece that didn't belong in the set. It didn't matter how hard he tried to mold himself into the desired piece, he still didn't have a place in Kageyama's heart. Even if he did, the space that he occupied was the same space he had to share with their friends, their old teammates from high school, and Kageyama's teammates now.
The other end of Kageyama's red thread wasn't tied to Kei's finger, but Kei was holding his hand right now, and knew that the Gods couldn't break that off.
Kei leaned in, his mouth next to Kageyama's ear.
"You've always done your best, your Highness," he said, trying to hold his voice from breaking. "You are more than enough."
He watched through his tears as Kageyama lifted his head slowly. He blinked several times, then looked ahead towards the stage, without even trying to cover his crying face he tried to watch the rest of the performance. The lights dancing in his tears.
Kei continued to look at him as he felt Kageyama gripping his hand back. The silver ring brushing against his skin.