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“You trust me, don’t you?”
That was the question that had jumpstarted his third life back on earth.
Atem had made it a point to always trust his friends. After everything he had been through with all of them, he had unyielding faith in their intentions. When Kaiba had arrived – had risked life and limb just to bring him back – he assumed Yugi or one of his friends must be in danger. But now with nearly two months gone by with no contact, he began to wonder to himself what even was the reason for his urgent return?
It’s not that he was unhappy to be back. Quite the contrary. Aaru was almost everything he had imagined it to be. There was no passing of time there of course, but it had been nearly a year in mortal time. Still, he had missed his friends while he was away. There was no peace for him while the ones he loved were spread across two dimensions. After subtle conversations with friends he came to realize just how much Yugi had suffered in his absence. He understood the feelings of grief and separation all too well. Being a literal part of someone and then just severing that connection with no hope for contact was a lot to bear. It was difficult mourning a living being, and he felt selfish just for doing so. Yugi had always felt like home and he been wading through a tide of homesickness. Returning to his more recent loved ones felt like its own earthly Aaru, but still confusion struck him. He couldn’t drop the nagging feeling that something still was missing.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
The night he returned had been cold, and suddenly being brought to this very porch had felt like a homecoming. The doorbell’s chime cut through the silence and seemingly, the darkness. A light switched on from inside. Yugi’s face upon his arrival was priceless. Shock and awe turned to an overwhelming embrace which brought them both to their knees in a primal coalescence of tears and fervent kisses.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
He awoke with Yugi’s arm slung over his bare chest. He felt drained after another restless night of tossing and turning. He could not seem to shake the persistent feeling of loss and of being lost. This had all been overwhelming. His previous lives had all possessed a defined purpose. Keep the citizens safe. Destroy the darkness. But even with all the horrors of his past behind him, he was having difficulty acclimating to life here. The darkness seemed to have followed him on his journey like a sickness. He felt as though he was transported back to the time before he had regained his memories, when he was unsure of his own objectives and struggling with his very existence. Except this time, he had a body that itself required sustenance, and shelter. His only solace was in the man that lay next to him, but he also knew he could not rely on Yugi forever. He had already done that far more than he liked to admit.
How do you boil a soul—the concentrated form of all human existence, passion, experience, and knowledge—down to a one function? Is a singular purpose the only defining characteristic of the conscious form of a life? How does what you do equate to who you are? He had been pondering all of this and more that night, slipping into the dark tendrils of his own mind.
Yugi shifted and the grip on his chest tightened.
“Good morning,” Yugi smiled, eyes still shut. He buried his face in Atem’s arm.
“Good morning, Aibou. How did you sleep?”
“Great! I sleep much better when you’re here. I still have trouble believing this is real.”
“Me too…” he trailed off.
Yugi opened his eyes and looked up at him. Atem’s other hand was resting behind his head and he was staring up at the ceiling.
“Aibou, I was thinking. Maybe I could help Jii-chan out in the shop? Just something to help out until I can figure out what else I need to…do…”
Yugi stretched slowly and sat up. He put a hand on Atem’s cheek and turned his face towards him, demanding eye contact.
“You’re not a burden. You know that, right?”
Atem blinked, startled. “I just—”
“Not in any way. It is such a privilege and an honor to have you back with us. We all love you so much.”
Atem swallowed and brought his hand over his mouth in a look of sorrow and gratitude as his feelings got caught in his throat. Yugi leaned in and held him.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
There were still many experiences about the modern world Atem found fascinating. In his day, one had to rely on reeds dipped in animal fat to light the way at night. The scent and the black smoke from the combustion was less than pleasant and he recalled it with a tinge of disgust. In contrast, these little miracles called ‘candles’ were a vast improvement on the original. He picked up the lighter and sparked it, holding the flame to the wick. The faint yet fluorescent din of the virgin candlewick crackled faintly under a slow burn as it became enveloped into an ember of light. The glow of hope. The sweet aromatics of renewal. He wished to always be able to experience the small privilege of a fresh burn. There were certain things that once you were introduced to them, you could no longer imagine life without them.
Yugi broke his concentration by walking in with two large garment bags. His one hand contained the hanger and the bottoms of the bags draped over his other arm. Even with his growth spurt factored in, the length of the items still threatened to overcome his height. He laid them out on the bed.
“You’ve been cooped up in here for far too long, and I’m taking you out tonight,” Yugi declared, unzipping one of the bags, “I won’t take no for an answer. Especially if you deprive me of finally seeing you dolled up.” He flashed a characteristic smirk.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Pegasus held quarterly duelist galas to encourage mingling amongst award winning duelists and their up and coming progeny. Everyone who was anyone in the duelist community attended these black-tie events to inspire the next generation of duelists.
As this was Yugi and Atem’s first public appearance since his return, he wanted them to make a good first impression. Rumors had swirled in the community as to who was the new member living at the Mutou residence. With their RSVP confirmed, Pegasus had taken advantage of the opportunity to alert the media of their intended arrival. For Atem, Yugi had selected a radiant black tuxedo adorned with gold embellishments outlining the shape of a tree curling across his back. Yugi himself dressed in a vibrant blue velvet suit with black vines embroidered on each of the lapels, and a single black rose placed into the breast pocket. As they exited the black stretch limousine sent by Pegasus for their arrival, cameras were already flashing, and microphones being thrust in their direction.
“Mutou-san, who is the new addition to your household?” Anchors for DCTV trained recording equipment on the pair emerging from the limo.
“Surely you know the champion of Duelist Kingdom and the Battle City Tournament when you see him?” Yugi verified, gesturing at Atem. Atem simply lowered the mirrored aviator sunglasses from atop his head until they covered his eyes. Yugi took his hand, and the two of them began their retreat into the mansion as the frantic journalists snapped away. They both let out a sigh of relief upon entering the manor free of the prying eyes of the press.
“I think we both deserve a drink,” Yugi announced leading the two of them over to the cocktail bar setup on the ground floor. Atem followed still being led by Yugi’s hand in his. Yugi began reciting drink orders to the bartender, when out of his periphery of his vision, Atem spotted Kaiba entering the mansion. One of Pegasus’s attendants held the door open as Kaiba hastened through. He was dressed in a deep burgundy waistcoat topped with an ornate white swallow-tail suit jacket, coat tails trailing behind his gait. He scanned the room briefly and their eyes locked. Kaiba’s eyes immediately widened and he diverted his gaze. He turned on his heel and continued his diligent trek up the grand staircase, briefcase in hand.
Yugi noticed Atem’s stare following him up to the second floor.
“Why don’t you go talk to him?” Yugi asked, handing him a drink.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Atem accepted the glass graciously, nervously tracing the stirrer around the rim before taking a sip. “And say what?” he conceded.
“Whatever you want to say. We haven’t seen him in all this time since you returned. I for one feel I owe him quite a bit of gratitude, but I doubt he wants to hear from me,” Yugi mused, and smiled down at his glass.
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, let’s just say I have a hunch.”
The evening unfolded with mixed mingling of old and new friends. Trade secrets divulged amongst players, and tips for deck building based on opponents’ theoretical strategies. For the most part, Atem stuck close to Yugi. He found it easier for his presence to be explained when he did not have to be the one doing it. Word of mouth spread throughout the room and he rapidly rebounded from the unknown attendee to the most sought-after player at the party. This attracted the attention of scores of duelists all wanting to ask him questions or requesting to take photos with him. After a prolonged period at this pace, he excused himself to take a break and headed upstairs away from the crowds.
Searching for the restroom entrance, he heard familiar voices in a nearby room. Muffled sounds indicated a business meeting coming to a close. He inched closer to see if he could recognize the voice he was certain he knew, when suddenly the door swung open on its hinge and Kaiba came barreling through. Atem quickly stepped back, startled, as Kaiba almost knocked right into him.
“Hmph, seems you’ve now acquired a habit of spying on others’ business, I see,” Kaiba growled, refusing to make eye contact.
“No, well, I was just looking for the restroom when I bumped into you,” Atem stammered and shifted his weight back and forth between his feet uneasily.
There was a palpable silence until Kaiba broke it, “How are you…adjusting?”
Atem was surprised by the hint of concern in his voice layered with the severity of its delivery, “I’m… doing alright I suppose. And yourself?”
“Good. Great. Glad to hear it. Now, if that will be all…” he said, already turning away.
“No…Kaiba…why did you bring me here?”
“Bring you here? I didn’t bring you here. You arrived before me—”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” Atem said shaking his head, “I mean why am I here? Why did I return?”
“You chose to return. Are you angry to be back?”
“No, but I—”
“Well then, does it really matter?”
“Well, yes, because I still don’t understand. Why did you—”
“If all you have to say is an interrogation, I’ll be on my way then,” Kaiba hissed, and swept past him towards the staircase.
“Seto!” Atem called gruffly after him, “Why are you avoiding me?”
Kaiba looked back, startled at the sound of his own name.
Atem continued angrily, “Am I just a pawn in your personal game of chess?”
Kaiba narrowed his eyes at the comment and turned, disappearing down the stairs.
Atem leaned against the nearby wall and slumped down, as the strength went out of his legs.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
That night Atem could not sleep again. He kept replaying the journey back from Aaru in his mind.
He had tried his best to explain to Mahad his decision to return to the living realm. He himself did not know what the actual purpose was as Kaiba had remained tight lipped as always. He feared for his friend’s safety. Was his presence somehow still endangering them?
Kaiba had collapsed to one knee and was struggling to regain composure. His face was pallid, and he appeared clammy as though just breathing was exertion.
“Kaiba, what is going on?” Atem questioned, alarmed as he knelt beside the larger man and grasped his arm.
“You trust me, don’t you?”
This took him by surprise. Did he really even need to ask?
“Yes, of course. What is happening to you? Something must be terribly wrong for you to be here. Are my friends in danger? Is Yugi alright?”
At the mention of this name, Kaiba twitched.
“I cannot speak for others. Only myself.”
“Then, are you alright?” Atem scanned his face.
Kaiba looked away uncomfortably. He raised his arm and the movement of the appendage through space left a stream of particles in its wake. “Existence itself is just an ongoing game of chess. What’s your move?”
“Kaiba, what does that—”
“Look, you’re either coming or you’re not. Either way I am leaving now.”
“Yes. Yes, I will,” Atem said, building his own conviction.
Kaiba had already whirled around and was headed into the reeds. Atem rushed after him to keep up.
Ahead of them, a large metallic structure shone against the burning sun and tamped down delicate reeds. Upon approach it was clear the dimension pod had only been built for one. Kaiba had pointed out prior that he was not even certain crossing dimensions would work. However, this was not the man Atem had come to know. The pod exhibited no superfluous dragon ornamentation. Not even a KaibaCorp logo was predominantly displayed. Had he not actually planned this? That didn’t seem to be the case. If he didn’t know any better, it was as though Kaiba had rushed these plans through to actualization. As though he was desperate. But why? How bad were things back home?
Kaiba pressed a button on the pod and the hydraulics lifted the lid to expose the interior. Without a word, he climbed inside and the pod whirred to life, lights flashing and engines cranking. Kaiba began diagnostics checks, monitoring digital readouts and flipping switches in tandem.
“Well?” he said without looking away from the screens.
“Oh…where do I…” Atem began, fidgeting.
“Are you coming or not?” Kaiba said unimpressed and frowned.
“Uhh, yes,” Atem confirmed once again for himself as well as the other. He fumbled climbing up to the entrance of the pod. Kaiba’s height had made these maneuvers appear more graceful. He peered down into the tight space of the pod. It could not be helped. He suddenly became very self-aware of his diminutive tunic and attempted to brush the thought away. He stepped down into the pod carefully and attempted to squeeze himself in the space around Kaiba’s feet.
“That’s…not going to work. The lid won’t be able to close.”
“Ah, yes. Of course,” he replied awkwardly.
Kaiba sighed and gestured for him to join him. Atem rose and gingerly sat in Kaiba’s lap. They both froze.
“Yes, well, let’s get back then. Watch your head,” he said as he pushed another button and the pod door began to lower.
Kaiba shifted uncomfortably beneath him, “There, um…is only one seatbelt so I’ll…uh…” he said spreading his arm wide in a nonthreatening offer.
“Yes, of course,” he said again, annoyed with himself. Since when had he suddenly become inarticulate? He felt as though these were the only three words left in his vocabulary.
Kaiba’s arms wrapped around the smaller man’s chest. Atem’s head was just a short distance from Kaiba’s heart, and he noticed, almost imperceptibly, Kaiba’s heartbeat quickened. He brushed it off as fear and excitement of their return to the physical realm. He dared not turn around to look at him, but noticed in the reflective surface of the pod door mere inches from his face, that Kaiba was staring into the distance as though refusing to acknowledge him as well. The pained look on his face seemed to have escalated. The pod shook with a jerk and the gravitational forces took over.
He did not recall blacking out, but he remembered waking up. It sounded as though a dozen frantic voices were at the end of a tunnel, but his consciousness was not strong enough to fully comprehend them. He was unable to move, but from the corners of his periphery he felt a pair of hands slide underneath him and the world shifted. The welcoming warmth attempted to overthrow the cold void in which his mind was currently sheltered. He heard arguing, and at least two familiar voices. He then felt himself being lowered onto another cold, hard surface. He lay there willing himself to reenter his own body. Then there were other hands. Hard instruments. Lights flashing in his dark abyss. A voice, Mokuba’s--!
“You’re certifiably insane, Nii-sama! You could have killed yourself! And what do we do now? You’ve brought back a mummy just so we can bury him again!”
“He’s not dead. He can’t be.” Kaiba whispered. A strangled sound was heard.
“Please make sure I’m dead before you bury me,” Atem finally managed to squeak out. The room fell silent and the cold hands probing him disappeared.
The bright spot faded away again as he sensed someone’s presence hovering over him. “How do you feel?” Kaiba breathed.
Atem fluttered his eyelids and Kaiba’s face came into view looking down at him intently. “Well once again I’m not dead, if there’s still any question.”
Very slowly he began to move to an upright position. Two hands reached out and grasped his upper arms to steady him. He looked up at Kaiba’s face who was still staring at him, dumbfounded.
“Are you alright?” Kaiba swallowed and turned away. Mokuba began barking orders at the surrounding medical staff about setting up two exam rooms. The hands placed on his upper arms slowly slid down to his hands and led him off the table he had been perched on. Kaiba still stared wordlessly into his eyes until the doctors intervened and began to usher him away. One hand broke free but the other lingered longer than necessary until Kaiba was finally led out of the room. Until tonight, that had been the last time he properly saw Seto Kaiba.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
After their encounter, Atem had begun to battle even more desperately to wrench his psyche from the darkness for even brief moments at a time. The days were long without much to keep him occupied, but the nights were longer. This darkness was not fleeting. He decided he had to do something about it. He needed a new perspective.
Yugi was in his room, looking over game development plans and mindlessly chewing on a pencil. Music hummed softly from his PC. Atem hovered on the other side of the doorway. He was feeling anxious pinning down what he even wanted to say and did not want to interrupt Yugi. He slid to the floor and rested his head on his folded knees, just listening to the music play.
I saw your subtle reaction
It's a subtle reaction
And felt our tragic attraction
It's a tragic attraction, attraction
I was only
Ever lonely
In a crowded room
Until I saw heartbreak in you
And when I saw heartbreak in you
My heart ached
He heard the scrape of a chair moving across the hardwood and raised his face out of his knees to find Yugi kneeling in front of him, looking concerned.
“Atem, I think its finally time for you to tell me what else has been bothering you,” Yugi uttered softly, putting his hand on his cheek, “If you’re hurting, I am too. Please...tell me, what’s the matter?”
The world froze. Atem couldn’t seem to stop his obsessive thoughts. Over and over he rewound the footage in his mind. Whenever he closed his eyes, he felt anxious knowing he was once again going to be looking into Kaiba’s face as his hand was dropped and he was led away.
It made him feel uneasy. Guilty. He somehow felt like he was betraying Yugi. Betraying, he repeated to himself. But why?
Then it clicked.
Why had he felt so lonely after that moment? It was the same carnal fear and desolation as when he had to part with Yugi after the ceremonial duel.
No. He was being ridiculous. This was Seto Kaiba. Kaiba, his long-term rival. It was Kaiba.
It was Kaiba.
“Aibou—" Atem started, realization and worry leeching into his expression. His eyes darted back and forth scanning his partner’s face.
“Go to him,” Yugi said plainly. “Tell him how you feel.”
Atem’s eyes widened. “Aibou, I never said—”
“Give me some credit. I do know you a bit better than that.”
“But aren’t you upset? Angry with me?”
“Why would I be angry? You still love me, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course, Aibou, I just—”
“And have I ever denied you anything?”
“No, of course not, you have always given me so much more than I could ever hope for. More than I deserved.”
“Psh, I don’t want to hear that nonsense from you. You deserve every bit of happiness this world has to offer, and then some. And as for Kaiba, well…” Yugi smirked, “the more the merrier. We can always work out the details later. I know you have a heart with room enough for the both of us.”
Atem choked back a sob. The enormity of his partner’s understanding never failed to astound him. He knew what he had to do.
“Hearts connect when communication is clear. Go. Ease your anxious heart. I can feel the strain radiating from you. It’s not healthy,” Yugi proclaimed, welcoming him into an embrace, “Kaiba already brought you back to life itself. It sounds like now it’s your move.”
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
He reminded himself of the promise he made long ago in his past life. He would always be brave. He would never give up. He wanted to be able to stare the darkness in the face and have it look back at him. Only then would he have what he really needed – the truth. ‘I choose to see it for what it really is,’ he told himself. But it certainly was not easy. He felt consumed by the fear and anxiety rising from the floorboards of his mind and he did his best to tamp them down. There were only two paths before him. He could either become the darkness or embrace the light, and hope for change. It was time to make a move.
He pulled up to the gate of the Kaiba Manor in the Mutou’s black four-door sedan and lowered the window. He pressed the intercom button and it responded with high-pitched feedback. Unsure of how it worked he paused a moment before pressing it again. He did not know if anyone was even listening, but he announced, “Kaiba, it’s me, Atem.”
He waited. Each passing moment his heartbeat sounded in his eardrums. He pressed the intercom button again.
“Kaiba, we need to talk.” Silence.
Once more, “Kaiba, I’m not leaving until you open this gate.”
There was silence followed by more feedback. Finally, Kaiba spoke.
“Come around the back.”
The wheeled gate emitted a grinding noise as it began to heft its own weight and retreat.
Atem pushed the steering column back into drive and slowly approached the back of the mansion. He parked a suitable distance from the only door within sight and turned off the lights. Atem gripped the steering wheel at 2 and 10 as he had recently been taught, and pressed his forehead against it, letting out a deep, trembling breath. The door squealed on its hinge as he exited the cab, gravel crunching under foot. The chill in the air reflected the nervous, icy feeling in his heart. He wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck and burrowed into it.
The door he was approaching opened, and a tall man in a black turtleneck sweater stepped out of the light.
“Pretty late to just be in the neighborhood,” Kaiba muttered.
“That’s because I wasn’t.”
“Alright then, what is it? You get the sudden urge to duel me in the middle of the night?”
“No, Kaiba, I just…” Atem trailed off.
What did he want to say? There were already so many misunderstandings and words left unsaid. He thought back to Yugi’s words. Only with clear communication could two hearts truly connect.
“Kaiba, you knew I had been in a relationship with Yugi before you came to Aaru didn’t you?”
Kaiba grimaced. “What does this have to do with me? I thought you already confirmed that with the 8 o’clock news.”
Atem stood stunned. There was a prolonged silence.
Kaiba continued, “Besides, I don’t really understand how two people supposedly occupying the same body can even be ‘in a relationship’ in the first place. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Atem whispered sincerely, looking down, “Is that really something you’ve thought about?”
Kaiba’s jaw dropped. He flushed.
“That’s it. I don’t need to stand here and take this, goodbye!” Kaiba angrily turned and yanked open the door to the manor.
“Kaiba, no! That’s not what I meant to say,” Atem pleaded grabbing his arm.
Kaiba froze.
“Then what did you mean to say?” he questioned, still with his back turned.
“I mean…have you ever known Yugi not to share?”
“I don’t know what that means,” Kaiba stammered, tensing up.
“That means me, dammit. Don’t make me say it.”
“Say what?” Kaiba asked, breathlessly.
Atem yanked hard on the arm he still had in his grip until Kaiba was forced back around to face him.
“What the hell are you—” two hands reached up and yanked his face down until Kaiba was cut off by another hot mouth planting its lips on his own.
What happened next was a blur. Kaiba’s body reacted instinctually. Still locked in the frenzied kiss, Kaiba reached down and slid his hands under Atem’s thighs lifting him up. Atem wrapped his arms around Kaiba’s neck and locked his legs around his waist as Kaiba pinned him up against the white stucco wall of the manor. He leaned into the kiss, their tongues battling. Atem let his one arm fall down Kaiba’s back, nails digging into shoulder blades as his other hand wound through chestnut locks frantically. The kiss continued until they were forced to part, both deeply flushed, their bodies gasping for air. They remained in this position, staring into each other’s eyes, and panting out the same hot air.
“Now do you understand?” Atem wheezed, still trying to catch his breath, but being far too close to Kaiba to be able to do so.
“Yes, I believe I do. Checkmate,” Kaiba whispered and pulled him in for another kiss.