Work Text:
“-sol?” Hansol shook himself, glancing up at where the voice was probably coming from. Oh. Gyu.
“Are you okay?” Mingyu asked carefully, kneeling in front of the other man. Hansol stared at him for a moment, eyes tracking the gentle curves of his cheeks, charting his sweat soaked hair and the lines on his forehead. He must be concerned. Why was he concerned?
“Sollie. Are you with us?” Mingyu asked again gently and Hansol blinked in realization. Oh. He was concerned about him.
“I-I’m okay, Gyu. I’m okay. I’m here now,” Hansol replied quietly, giving the other man a gentle pat on the arm. Gyu nodded, still not convinced, but stood anyways, offering a handout to the younger.
“C’mon, breaks over,” Gyu said almost sympathetically and Hansol nodded vaguely, taking his hand to be pulled up, trying not to look at the floor as he did. It always got worse when he looked at the floor.
Gyu watched him stand momentarily, trying not to panic at the glassiness over his eyes and the absent way he observed everything going on around him. He was slipping. Shit.
Mingyu pulled away carefully, rushing over to where Cheol was laying in exhaustion in the corner of the studio.
“Cheol,” Gyu grabbed the leader by the arm, watching as Hansol slowly backed up against the wall, sliding back down. “Cheol it’s happening again,” Gyu pulled at Cheols hand, interlocking their fingers. Cheol watched the youngest of the unit for a moment, pulling himself together before nodding.
“Okay. Okay, he’s going to be okay. I’ll talk to him, alright? Go find Won, tell him what’s happening,” Cheol let himself fall back into the role of leader easily enough, though it was rare for him to use this tone when it was just their unit. But Gyu looked relieved at the calmness and steadiness in his voice, rushing to find Wonwoo.
Cheol approached Hansol carefully, trying to stay in his line of sight, though honestly that was difficult in the current circumstance.
“Baby?” Cheol said quietly, kneeling down right where Gyu had not a minute before, “Baby, are you with me?”
Hansol shook his head, “I…I don’t know. I don’t know.”
Cheol nodded, “It’s okay. It’s okay, even if you’re not here I’m with you, alright? Do you want to tell me what you are feeling?”
Hansol shook his head, “I can’t, I don’t know,” Panic welled in his throat, but he couldn’t move. Cheol was in front of him, he had to be because he said he was, but Hansol must have been further away from him. Something was between them. Hansol wanted to reach out and touch Cheol but he couldn’t. He thought Gyu had been there. Now it was Cheol. It didn’t make sense. They couldn’t be there.
Cheol took a deep breathe in through his nose, holding it for a moment before letting it out through his mouth, coming to terms with how bad Hansol had gotten right in front of them.
They should have caught it sooner. It hadn’t gotten this bad in a while. Rehearsal had been tiring but they didn’t realize how much so. Guilt began to build up in Cheols chest as he tried to figure out what to do next.
Wonwoo rushed in, Gyu following behind him, hands wrapped around his arm. God Gyu was going to need to hold onto to someone for another day at least after this, Cheol thought with some semblance of humor. He had never been good at dealing with this sort of thing. Cheol hadn’t been either really, not until being a leader forced him to care for the others in such a deep seated way. Among their unit, shockingly it was Wonwoo who often had the most luck with this sort of thing.
“Okay. Sollie, Wonwoo hyung is going to take you home, alright?” Seungcheol explained. Sol glanced up at his hyungs as an “okay” dropped form his lips, though they all knew he didn’t really mean to say anything.
Wonwoo smiled gently, kneeling down in front of Sol, letting Mingyu melt from himself to the leader.
“Okay, Hansol? Sollie I need you to look at me, alright?” Wonwoo’s deep voice resonated through his chest and Sol couldn’t help but glance up at him. He seemed closer, somehow. Like the cadence of his voice traveled through space better than Gyu’s or Cheol’s.
“There we go. Hey, hey, I’ve got you, okay? You are in the studio. I’m in front of you, really close, alright? I’m going to reach out with my hand and touch your hand. Can I do that?” Wonwoo waited for what seemed like hours, but eventually Hansol nodded, now watching his hands in fascination as Wonwoo’s strong grip slowly slid to wrap around his wrists. Hansol watched as his hands turned to wrap around Wonwoo’s wrists in return. At other times he would feel the heat under his fingertips. He’d feel the callouses on the side of Wonwoos fingers from gaming. But he couldn’t. He knew the sensations were there, he just couldn’t find them.
“It’s okay, Sollie,” Wonwoo said, like he knew what the younger was thinking in that moment. “It’s okay, I know you can’t feel it, but I’m right here, and we are going to stand up together, and then we will be standing, in the studio, next to Gyu and Cheollie, okay? Isn’t that nice? We will all be standing together. Let’s go,” Wonwoo smiled and began standing, gently pulling Hansol up to his feet, keeping his hands around his wrists as the younger swayed momentarily.
“Sollie? Still here?” Gyu asked gently, ducking to be in the line of sight of the youngest. Hansol swayed, mouth opening and closing in aborted responses as his eyes passed over Gyu.
“Shit. Shit this is worse than I thought. Why did it happen so quickly this time?” Cheol asked, hand running through his hair.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. We just wait it out here then, alright? We just wait it out here,” Wonwoo said, thumb running over Hansol’s wrist. “Lets…lets just sit back down and wait it out altogether, okay?”
The three guided Hansol back to sitting and he immediately pressed up against the wall, pressing his back against it like it was the only thing he could feel. Like it was the only thing responding to him.
The others were there. Somewhere in his brain he knew the others were there. He just could find them, couldn’t look at them. He heard them talking, but they were behind a wall, or in a bubble. Maybe he was in a bubble.
He could only look at one thing at a time. The gray floor seemed all encompassing, like it was swallowing him whole. He tore his gaze away in panic, latching onto someone’s hands. Wonwoo hyung’s voice echoed through him like it was underwater and he took a deep breath, watching the persons hands. His members hands. They would take care of him. Just stay put, and they would find him.
Cheol texted the managers to update them, keeping everyone at bay. They had just been planning on working out after rehearsal, and thankfully they didn’t need to do any damage control on the schedule.
Hansol sat completely still, staring out at the room in front of him, watching Wonwoo and Mingyu talk quietly, passing phones back and forth, keeping their motions slow and soft. They seemed to come in and out, closer and further away every time Hansol blinked. He was frightened to move, lack of sensation around his body freezing him from anything but pressing up against the wall he knew was behind him.
If the others weren’t there, he would be terrified. If this hadn’t happened before he’d be terrified.
But he knows they are there. He knew, somehow, they are around him, covering him, protecting him as he wavered in and out. Every few minutes Wonwoo would glance at him, saying something in a deep comforting voice and Hansol would feel words tumble out in response. His breath came in short sharp gasps as anxiety would grow and decrease, ebbing like a wave in the back of his mind. Fear would lock onto him-nothing sounding quite right, nothing looking like it was there, actually there in front of him, his own limbs feelings numb and tingly, words coming out of his mouth automatically like he wasn’t there to answer for himself. Then just as quickly as panic built it would disperse, leaving him calm and disconnected, like the only thing tethering him down was the continuous running sound of the other three members.
After what may have been an hour Hansol finally reached out, bringing his fingertips to brush Gyu’s hand. It was there, real under his fingertips, and it was him touching Gyu, tapping and squeezing the other man’s fingers and wrist. The three men gasped audibly; relief palpable in the air as they rushed to action. Gyu let Hansol keep a hand around his arm, bringing his own hand up to press down comfortingly, Cheol kneeling down in front of him as Wonwoo grabbed a water bottle.
“Sollie? Won is going to give you some water, okay? Just take big deep breaths, you’re doing such a good job,” Cheol said, continuing to lay on comforting words to the youngest as Wonwoo moved forward with the water.
Wonwoo gently cupped his chin, bringing a water bottle to his mouth. Hansol opened out of habit, letting the cold water rush down his throat.
Cold.
That was a feeling. He shivered in response, taking another gulp before Wonwoo cooed and pulled the bottle away.
“Careful. Don’t drink too quickly,” he reminded with a small smile. Like he did every time.
Hansol looked at him, reaching out to brush his fingertips against his jaw. Wonwoos skin was warm under his fingertips, some small prickles of stubble poking at his fingers. He could feel it. Wonwoo smiled.
“Coming back now,” He said gently to the other two, letting Hansol trace his jaw with one hand, while the other was still clinging to Mingyu’s arm, the other rubbing comforting shapes into his wrist and hand, letting him feel that they were warm and present and there. “He’s not going to talk, not for a bit, but we can get him home.”
Hansol sighed in relief as Wonwoo said what he knew he should be able to but just couldn’t. He held onto them as they gently pulled him up once again, the floor solid under him. Wonwoo was now in front of him, Gyu and Cheol pressed to his sides, the pressure grounding him, keeping him in his own skin. He could feel their body heat, the soft smooth texture of their t-shirts, the color of the floor and the walls and the temperature. It was there and it was still a lot, but it was there.
Cheol drove them home, Mignyu and Wonwoo on either side of him in the back of the car, repeating where they were and where they were going, noting the temperature of the air conditioning blowing on their skin, of the texture of the car seats, of their hands resting on his back or his thighs. Hansol nodded along to each of them, letting them focus his sensations for him, letting them guide him back into his own body.
They arrived at the dorms relatively quickly, and ushered him out of the car, Gyu grabbing their bags as Wonwoo kept a firm hand on the back of Hansols neck. As they began walking towards the dorms Hansol froze, staring in front of him. Wonwoo paused in panic before tracking Hansol’s gaze to find what he was watching.
The trees in front of the dorms was in full bloom, the soft pink petals of the tree drifting aimlessly down to the ground. Hansol watched the motion over and over again. It was happening right in front of him. Maybe four feet away. He knew. If he reached out he’d feel the soft petals on his skin. He could smell the fragrance in the air. Gyu waited for a moment but Wonwoo gave nodded to him, letting him continue into the building as he and Cheol waited with Hansol.
“Want to sit for a moment?” Wonwoo asked gently, hand skimming from the nape of his neck to his lower back, already knowing the answer as he guided the younger to the bench under the tree, dusting the majority of petals off before they sat down. They both migrated outside after particularly tough episodes, the small spot of nature standing stark against the city bringing some sort of relief and comfort. Hansol watched as Seungcheol plucked a blossom from the tree, holding it out to him. The younger took it, rubbing the soft petals between his fingers, observing the soft blush color, bringing it up to inhale the scent, sickly sweet and earthy all at once.
“You’re holding a blossom,” Wonwoo said causally, watching the other carefully, “We are sitting outside the dorms, on a cold, hard bench. Your feet are tucked up under you, and I am on your left. Cheollie is standing in front of you.”
Hansol nodded, following along with each statement Wonwoo made, letting his brain catch up, curling around each sensation and feeling like it was new.
“C-can...stay?” Hansol asked, and Cheol smiled.
“As long as you want. Do you want someone else to join us?” Cheo asked gently, reaching out to run a hand through the younger’s hair, only to stop midway.
“Whoever,” Hansol didn’t mind really. He could just stay here for a while without much hassle, but having others around gave him something to hold onto, to ground himself with. He knew the others wouldn’t want to leave him alone, not after what happened. He glanced up at Cheol’s half stopped movement, leaning forward to make contact with his head, letting himself relax as Cheol’s fingers began to card through his hair.
He allowed himself to drift in and out, blinking suddenly to find Shua next to him in one moment, Seungkwan kneeling in front of him, neither of them touching him. He glanced down to check. No, he was still holding the flower, and Wonwoo’s thigh was pressed against his, but neither of them had reached out to him yet. Okay. Okay. He began to tear up, but he took a steadying breath. He hated when he lost moments. Hated it. But they were here now. It was okay. It was okay.
“Sollie?” Kwan asked, only placing his hands on his knees once Hansol had looked at him, glassiness in his stare gone and replaced with exhaustion. It was darker now, Hansol realized somewhere in the back of his mind. He must have been doing this for hours. Damnit.
“I’m sorry,” He mumbled, glancing around to find Shua, his gentle hands reaching up to tuck a wayward curl behind the others ear.
“There is nothing to apologize for. You take as long as you need. Cheol and Won are going inside, alright? We can keep sitting out here with you for a bit. We are just outside the dorms, okay? Just sitting on a bench, under a tree.” Hansol watched as the two older members of his unit gave him small smiles and squeezed his shoulder or arm or hand or ruffled his hair.
He watched with curiosity as Wonwoo whispered something to Seungkwan. They both nodded, Kwan giving Wonwoo a kiss on the cheek as the other flushed before glancing back at Hansol.
“Take your time, Sollie. We are right inside. We can come back if you need us to, alright?” Won said, waiting for Hansol to nod before nodding himself, letting Cheol wrap an arm around his waist as they disappeared.
It was deep into the night by the time Hansol felt like he was back. Back enough to talk, anyways. Back enough to go inside.
Seungkwan was squished next to him, arms wrapped around his, head resting comfortably on his shoulder. Josh was on the other side, one hand on his back and the other holding his hand, careful not to crush the blossom Hansol still rolled between his fingers. Both weighed him down, the scent of their shampoo, the warmth of their bodies, the pattern of their breathing cushioning what was usually a terrifying rush back into his body.
“Hey,” He croaked out.
“Hey,” Josh whispered back as Seungkwan pressed a kiss to his ear in response.
“I think I’m back. I’m good,” Hansol said, accepting the exhaustion that was now just as present as his two members.
“Want to talk about it?” Kwan asked gently.
“I just got too tired. I was zoning out during rehearsal, I should have realized I had been pushing myself too long, especially because I didn’t sleep well last night,” Hansol listed off with a hint of embarrassment.
“Its okay,” Shua said gently, “We should have checked in with you earlier.”
Hansol shook his head, “Won or Cheollie usually catches it, but they were busy. It’s okay, they were there. Gyu caught me. I’m okay now.”
Kwan and Shua nodded, accepting the statement with some guilt still pressing down on them. All of them were too drained to argue right now, and it wouldn’t do any good, especially not for Hansol.
“Okay. Well, lets get you inside. You need sleep,” Josh said, guiding him up to standing. Hansol allowed them to lead him inside, observing how the breeze stilled on his skin as he entered the building. The blossom had slipped from his fingers at some point, and he took a deep breath to keep the tears at bay, realizing with some twinge of embarrassment and fear that he was still was missing things.
Wonwoo was waiting on the couch for them in his pajamas and stood as the entered. Hansol immediately approached him, pulling away from the others to curl into his chest, sighing as his arms wrapped around his shoulders, warmth blooming through him.
“You’re in front of me, right?” Hansol mumbled into Wonwoos collarbone.
“I’m in front of you. My arms are wrapped around you,” Wonwoo agreed easily, smiling in relief as Hansol nodded.
Josh watched for a moment before squeezing Kwan’s hand goodnight, slipping away to find the other members of the unit, needing to check in on them now that he knew Hansol was in good hands.
“C’mon, bed,” Kwan said, careful to keep his voice relaxed, leading Hansol to his room. “You too,” He said, grabbing Wonwoos hand before the older disappeared. “He…I need you to stay. Just for a bit,” Kwan whispered and Wonwoo nodded in understanding.
Seungkwan quickly dressed himself, washing his face and brushing his teeth in the amount of time it took Wonwoo to get Hansol in pajamas, dressing him in a pair of fuzzy sweatpants and the softest t-shirt he could find. Hansol took a moment for each piece of clothing, running his fingers over the seams and loose threads, breathing in the detergent and cologne that clung to them. He was there. The clothing was there, and he was holding it and moving it. He kept repeating it to himself, Wonwoo smiling as he saw his lips moving in the familiar mantra.
Seungkwan ran a warm washcloth over Hansol’s face, handing him a toothbrush to quickly run over his mouth, sans the toothpaste, knowing the flavor could be overwhelming. They watched him drink a glass of water before guiding him into bed, Wonwoo on the outside and Seunqkwan against the wall, sandwiching the youngest between them, pulling his weighted blanket up around themselves.
Hansol let himself be wrapped up in between Kwan and Wonwoo, pressed against the oldest members chest, holding the singer to his own. The other two wrapped their arms around him, legs interlocking with shocking ease. Hansol let himself relax, listening contently to the two talk quietly back and forth, focused more on the vibrations through their chest that listening to their words. Sleep cushioned him slowly, wrapping him in a fuzzy warmth that matched the texture of the blanket and the comfort of his sweatpants and the feeling he got when one of them carded a hand through his hair or traced along his ribs with a familiar pressure.
Wonwoo and Seungkwan talked about nothing and everything, keeping their voices low and soft, acting as white noise for the youngest, until Hansol finally relaxed between them, eyelashes resting on his cheeks and breath evening out into sleep.
“Will he be okay?” Kwan asked Wonwoo carefully, throat closing in concern. Wonwoo sighed.
“Being okay and this not happening against are two different things,” Wonwoo stated, knowledge from personal experience coloring his words with certainty.
“I know, I know. So, I’ll ask again. Is he going to be okay?” Kwan asked and Wonwoo once again was reminded how young he was. How young both of them were. He pulled them closer, smiling gently as Hansol snuffled in his sleep, cuddling down into their hold.
“Are you planning on going anywhere any time soon?” Wonwoo asked, watching Kwan carefully.
“Never,” Seungkwan whispered like a promise, “I’m not leaving him. Not anytime soon. Not…not unless he asked.”
“Neither am I,” Wonwoo agreed, “So yes. He’s going to be okay.”
Hansol awoke, still snuggled safely between Wonwoo and Seungkwan, the younger awake and watching the other two while Wonwoo snored gently. He gave Kwan a small kiss, neither breaking the silence of early morning just yet, content to stay cuddled under the blanket for just a few more minutes. Hansol ran through the sensations he could feel in his body- Wonwoos hand on his stomach, warm and assured, Seungkwan’s hand now tangled in his hair, their legs overlapping under the weight of the blanket, the softness of the bed and the pressure in his chest of comfort and security and presence.
He glanced up at his bedside table as a sliver of color caught his eye. A glass cup full of water and blush pink blossoms sat next to his bed, bright and beautiful and there. He planted another kiss on Kwans cheek, grinning as he blushed the same color as the flowers.
“Sleep or leave and make out somewhere else,” Wonwoos gravel voice came from behind them and they giggled, cuddling back down into bed. Hansol flipped over, planting a kiss on Wonwoo’s nose, knowing he only had a small window of time that the older member would put up with it. Seungkwan bent over Hansol to do the same, kiss Wonwoo’s nose over and over. The younger two grinned at Wonwoo’s grumbling, letting him pin them back down with an arm and a leg with little struggle.
“Sleep,” He commanded, though their was no real malice behind his voice. Seungkwan winked at Hansol before laying back down, spooning the younger, easily dozing off.
Hansol didn’t drift back to sleep, but let the other two continue to nap, content to feel their breaths even, to count their eye lashes and trace their features with gentle fingers. He was safe. He was safe, and they were there, and so was he. And he didn’t want to drift away. He supposed they’d talk about it- about what needed to be done differently, about how to help him. But for now, he was content to be held by them until the sun rose, sky blushing pink, cheeks blushing pink, blossoms blushing pink. He always liked pink, he thought to himself as he felt a smile grow on his lips. He was going okay.