Chapter Text
I was distracted
And in traffic
I didn't feel it
When the earthquake happened
Rafael nursed his scotch as he continued watching the news.
"The Corona virus is now spreading through the United States. Health officals are asking that you avoid contact with other persons for your own safety."
He took off the tv and flipped the remote onto the couch next to him. He could not believe he was actually living through a plague. This must have been how the Egyptians felt.
Rafael looked down when he got a news alert on his phone.
'In-class schooling postponed until further notice' it read.
He chuckled. God, how would his mother handle not seeing her students face to face anymore?
In the silence of his apartment, Rafael's mind wandered. How would Olivia handle it? How would Noah?
But it really got me thinkin'
Were you out drinkin'?
Were you in the living room
Chillin' watchin' television?
Was she okay? Was Noah okay?
They were probably worried out of their minds. Rafael knew he was.
Too worried to let his mother move in with him, scared he might get her sick.
He wasn't infected but it didn't stop him from worrying. He would have to add her to his grocery delivery service. One less reason for her to be wandering the streets.
Rafael took another sip of scotch to calm his nerves. The more alcohol in his system, the more he thought about Olivia.
She was probably sitting on her couch watching the same headlines he was. Probably holding Noah tight.
Rafael took a big gulp, draining his glass. He poured another before he swallowed.
It's been a year now
Think I've figured out how
How to let you go and let communication die out
He had not spoken to Olivia since the day he walked away from her at those courthouse steps.
She was too good for him. Too good to endure his guilt.
But that still didn't stop his finger from ghosting over her name in his contact list almost everyday. He needed to hear her voice, the only semblance of calm he had.
But it was too late. He waited too long.
Would she want to talk to him after all this time that he never reached out?
But if the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
You'd come over and you'd stay the night
Would you love me for the hell of it?
All our fears would be irrelevant
Rafael thought as he swirled the remaining scotch in his glass. If he went over there would she talk to him?
He needed his best friend if the world was falling apart. He just needed to see her.
Rafael got off the couch. He could do this.
~~~~
I tried to imagine
Your reaction
It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened
Olivia knew that this virus would hit New York hard thanks to Carisi being a hypochondriac.
She saw the email from Noah's school that school as they knew it, was cancelled. It was expected. No one could spread a disease faster than children.
Olivia swirled the wine in her glass. Her job was considered essential, which meant she still had to work.
Lucy still had college classes to attend. Would Olivia be comfortable with her coming in and out the apartment, possibly exposing Noah?
But Lucy was all she had. All she would ever have.
Olivia's head flopped back on the couch. She wondered if he saw the news too.
But it really got me thinkin'
That night we went drinkin'
Stumbled in the house
And didn't make it past the kitchen
"Shh, you're gonna wake up Noah." He slurred.
"Noah's not here," she giggled. "Sleeping over at Rollins' place."
"Olivia Benson has a child-free night." Rafael bopped her nose. "The gods have smiled in your favor."
Olivia chuckled, "want a night cap?"
"You want to put more alcohol in our systems?" He raised an eyebrow almost to his hairline. "I knew you had a wild side."
Olivia walked toward the kitchen and tripped over her own feet. Rafael caught her and the two went tumbling to the floor, with Olivia landing on top of him.
Wide, brown eyes met concerned, green ones. "Sorry," she whispered, "clumsy."
"That you are, Benson." He quipped softly.
To this day nobody was sure what caused them to do it, but something caused the two of them to meet in the middle. Olivia sighed lightly as she felt Rafael's lips move against hers in a drunken, heated kiss.
"Liv," he moaned lightly.
She used that time to slip her hands into his suit to grab his suspenders – her favorite part of his outfits.
They pulled apart after a few seconds for air.
"We should stop," Rafael breathed. "We're both drunk out of our minds and the last thing we need is regrets about it tomorrow."
"You're right." Olivia shakily stood up on her own two feet and Rafael followed. "I'll see you at work tomorrow Rafa."
"Be sure to bring a liter of coffee."
"I will."
xxx
Olivia groaned as she heard her phone the next morning. She was too old to be drinking that much on a work night. She barely remembered how she got home.
"Liv, we got a case." Fin's voice filtered through the phone.
"What is it?" She grumbled.
"Missing baby. Drew Householder."
Ah, it's been a year now
Think I've figured out how
How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out
Olivia laughed to herself, if Rafael was here he would make some quip about Noah being stuck in the same four walls everyday.
But he was gone. God only knows where. Maybe Miami, maybe Ohio. Maybe he wasn't even in the country.
And he didn't care to let her know if he was okay.
It killed Olivia when he walked away that cold day in February. The only reason she didn't slip down into a deep spiral was Noah. He didn't deserve that.
Olivia looked at Rafael's name on her phone. Was the number even the same?
She took another sip of her wine. He was probably nursing a scotch.
God, she missed him.
But if the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight
No, there wouldn't be a reason why
We would even have to say goodbye
"I just want my son!" Olivia sobbed as felt herself crumbling.
Two strong arms held her up. "I'm here Liv."
x
"What are you gonna be doing when you're 85?"
Olivia paused for a second to think, "squabbling with you."
Rafael gave a huff of a chuckle, "wouldn't that be nice." He whispered before giving a lopsided smile.
x
The coffee warmed her up as they walked along the sidewalk.
"Have you ever been in love like that?" Rafael asked
"Like the guy kills someone in front of me but sends me flowers so I let it slide?" She stepped closer to him and their upper body rubbed together, warming her up even more.
xxx
Olivia let out a sad laugh and wiped the stray tear that fell. Thought I got better at this? It had been a couple weeks since a Barba related cry. But she guessed the world practically ending, messed up her emotions.
The world ending made her want to see her best friend.
If the world was ending
He was doing this before he lost his nerve. Before the scotch lost its effect.
Rafael grabbed one of the masks he had purchased earlier today and put it on.
At best, she slapped him. At worst, she shoot him.
Either way, he would see her again.
You'd come over, right?
She didn't even have a number to call to ask if he was okay.
If she called, would he want to speak to her?
Olivia threw down the phone. She couldn't put herself through that, not after she finally got over him.
She picked up the remote and turned on the tv. She needed a distraction.
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?
Olivia sat up straighter at the sound of knocking. She wasn't expecting anyone.
She edged warily to the door. Late night knocking was never a good thing.
Olivia looked through the peephole and gasped. She would recognize those eyes anywhere, even if the rest of his face was covered by a mask.
She flung open the door. "Rafa?"
Rafael took several steps back until he was pressing against the opposite wall. "I don't know how this thing spreads. I don't want you two to get sick." His voice was muffled slightly by the mask.
Olivia nodded in understanding. "C-can I at least see your face," she whispered.
"Take a step back." He waited until Olivia did it before pulling off the mask and shoving it in his pocket. "Hi," he breathed.
Olivia wasn't sure if to laugh or cry – so she did a little bit of both. "So you are alive"
Rafael nodded. "Y-you look good. How have you been?" He mentally kicked himself.
"I've been wondering if my bes..." Olivia stopped herself. "Noah and I have been doing okay." She wrapped her arms around her midsection. "He's sleeping right now. I'm not waking him up to see you."
Her words stung him, but he understood. He used to be a constant in their lives and then he was gone.
"He thought it was his fault when you never came back." Olivia whispered, "he thought because he hit you, you didn't want to see him anymore."
Rafael winced slightly as he remembered that day.
"You gotta show me how you swing quickly before your mami comes back," Rafael whispered.
Noah grinned as he picked up the bat.
Rafael turned when he thought he heard Olivia coming back, which was the wrong thing to do.
Rafael let out a strangled moan has the bat collided with his crotch. He dropped slowly to his knees as tears formed in his eyes.
Noah dropped the bat. "Uncle Rafa I'm so sorry!"
"Get...your...mother," he forced out as he slowly fell forward.
"I finally convinced him it was me you didn't want to see and he just suffered because of it." Olivia continued.
"Liv, that's not it."
"Then you tell me what it was? You were the one that walked away. You never even looked back."
"Because if I did, I wouldn't be able to leave!"
"You didn't have to!"
Rafael took in a deep breath and looked down. "That job had just stripped so much of me away. I couldn't do it anymore."
"We were not that job Rafael. I thought- it doesn't matter anymore what I thought," she scoffed looking down at her feet once more.
"It does. Talk to me Liv. I came to talk to you." Rafael's heart broke when she looked back at him with tears in her eyes.
"I thought you were going to say you loved me."
Rafael wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her. "I was. But I looked at you and I... I couldn't."
"Right," Olivia nodded solemly and held the door. "I should have never done this. I just got over whatever the hell we were."
"Olivia, stop!" Rafael slammed an open palm on the door.
She jumped at the sudden outburst. Rafael quickly stepped back to where he was. "Just listen to me please." He begged.
"Fine," Olivia crossed her arms.
"I wanted to say that I love you, but, I needed to find myself Olivia and if I looked into your eyes and said those words I would have never walked away. You would have been with a broken man. You both deserved more than that."
"You can't tell me what I do and don't deserve Rafael. I am not your child. At the very least you could have talked to me like an adult and not just disappear into a crowd. Where have you even been all this time?"
"Here, there and everywhere," Rafael shrugged. "I wanted to call you every, single day Livia. But I didn't - I wasn't worth it. You deserved to live your life and be happy without me."
"Did it ever dawn on you that I wanted you to be happy? I laid in my bed for weeks waiting for you to reach out, but the carousel kept turning. Whether you wanted to hang on for the ride or not."
There was a few tense moments of them looking everywhere but each other.
"Why are you here Rafa? Why suddenly come back?"
"I wanted - no. I needed to see that you were okay. How is Noah?"
"Probably going to be happy that he doesn't have school anymore. I'm hanging in there." Olivia looked down at her feet. "Have to figure out what to do to take care of him. Essential worker, remember?"
Rafael nodded. Alot of people stuck indoors meant a raise in DV and child abuse cases. "Liv, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I tried to spare you from me and I hurt you more."
"If you had let me make my own choices we both wouldn't be this unhappy. We probably could have been..."
"Could have been what?"
"I don't know." Olivia looked down as a small blush tinged her cheeks.
"I never knew how you felt. You turned down every oppurtunity for drinks or dinner. I thought it was a one-sided thing."
"I'm a single mother working a stressful job. I wanted Noah to know that I'm here for him."
"I know. I understand. I just wished you would have told me. Then we could have been..."
"Been what?"
"Whatever you were thinking." He teased.
Olivia blushed a bit more. "We can have dinner." She muttered with a shrug. "Talk like adults. Not just stand in my hall in the middle of the night."
"Global pandemic going on remember?" Rafael gestured around with his hands. "I don't want to expose you guys any more than you need."
"We can always do it virtually" Olivia suggested. "I just feel like we need to actually talk."
"I know. So a virtual dinner, a week from today." Rafael confirmed as he stood up straighter.
"Noah and I will be waiting." Olivia said with a small smile.
"Good. I'll see you soon Liv."
"Bye Raf," she whispered as he walked away.
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?
"Rafa!" Olivia called out and he turned around. "Maybe we get tested and if all comes up okay, we have an actual dinner."
Rafael gave her his trademark lopsided smile. "Maybe we will. But until then, I hear all the kids are raving about zoom."
If the world was ending
You'd come over, right?