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It started off with the little things.
Dick’s smile dropping when he thought no one was looking, the subtle shake of his shoulders as his training overtook his instinct to jump at unexpected contact. Despite lying next to Jason every morning the dark circles under his eyes were only getting darker, the bruised purples standing strong even against his golden skin.
He’d started brushing off contact again, citing work or a case, burying himself deeper into whatever came his way, constantly moving from one project to the next. Even sharing a home, Jason hardly saw him, and Damian had sent several messages asking him to confirm Dick was still in Gotham. And whilst Dick could often fall into a rabbit hole of work, stuck in go-mode until he burned himself out, he always made time for Damian.
Then the food counting started, Dick would hum and ha over his breakfast cereal, would count the saturates and calories, controlling the exact amount of anything he ate.
Jason had made it home early, wrapping up a few loose ends that had been hanging around his latest case with Black Mask. Free time together had always been a luxury for Dick and Jason, and an early evening off with no night patrol even rarer still. The night had only just begun to tip her way into Gotham and some of the streetlights had yet to awaken, the sky a shade of blue that Jason would forever associate with Nightwing.
It wasn’t a complete surprise to find none of the lights on and the apartment silent, though usually Dick liked to have some kind of background noise when he worked. ‘I grew up in noise, in the circus there’s never silence, and I guess it’s my form of quiet’ he’d said once, on a lazy afternoon when they’d had nothing better to do then share soft kisses and trade stories.
His jacket was still next to the door, and Jason had left the emergency comms on whilst he’d worked and hadn’t heard any requests for Nightwing tonight, and sure enough after a few moments of listening he could hear the very soft breaths of someone trying not to sob.
Jason knew the routine by now.
Alfred’s favourite tea in hand, he made his way over the lump huddled under the blankets and softly set the mug to one side, letting his other hand gently stroke Dick’s shoulder.
‘Hey baby, bad day?’
The blankets gave a slight nod, and Jason took that as his cue to climb next to him, letting his body shield Dick from everything else. Jason knew he’d come back bigger, that the scrawny kid who had ended up in the grave had come out of the pit stripped of teenage litheness and grown into a bigger broad frame. Closer to the Batman in shape than a Robin, he was aware his height and strength could be intimidating – and against various foes he definitely used it to his advantage. But to Dick? He would use every ounce of that strength to hold him, to curl the acrobat against his chest and envelope him, to show him just how loved he was.
‘Do you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it?’
Dick was still shaking softly, his stuttered breaths the remains of the tears he’d all used up.
‘It’s her, her hands, I can still feel them on my body. I thought I could smell her perfume, the other day, I thought she was there. I can still see her smiling at me, petting my face, but it’s like its happening to someone else, like I’m watching it – watching it from a distance. I feel dirty, unclean, like she’s touched something inside me and it will always be tainted now. I thought I was better, I thought I was doing okay but-’ Dick cut himself off as another sob worked its way up his throat, and Jason could only pull him in tighter, letting his fingers gently card through Dick’s hair. It was lank and greasy, unkempt in a way Dick never usually let it get to and Jason cursed that he hadn’t seen it, hadn’t noticed Dick’s lack of interest in caring for himself. ‘I know healing isn’t linear. I know it doesn’t just magically go away, but I was doing okay right?’
Jason nodded, ‘You were. You still are’.
Dick scoffed. ‘How am I ever going to be okay when I can’t even handle the smallest shit. It was nothing Jay, a passing comment, he didn’t even mean anything by it and look at me, a complete wreck. The smallest thing and I’m basically falling apart, what use am I? I’m broken.’ He twisted his fingers as he spoke, eyes fixed to a blank spot on the bedroom wall.
Jason immediately wanted to know who ‘he’ was, what he said, what he did. He wanted to knock them down, vent all the anger and frustration from not being able to help, not being able to make things better for the man he loved. But even though it burned at his throat he didn’t ask, it didn’t matter what they’d said, it only mattered if Dick wanted to tell him. He swallowed the question and instead gently ran his thumb up and down Dick’s jaw, soothing the ache growing in his chest.
‘You’re the love of my life. You are Damian’s closest friend and confidant, you’re his and Tim’s brother. You’re an admired friend, a trusted ally. You are kind and selfless and brave, and you are stubborn and argumentative and can be the pettiest person I’ve ever known. You have struggled and stumbled and even failed at things, but you’re still here. Still trying. Still pouring your love into others, giving your kindness without any expectation of getting it back, still leaving your dirty dishes in the sink, instead of the dish washer which is literally 3 feet away Dickie, it’s right there’
Dick huffed a laugh, it still sounded a little wet, but it was progress.
‘And I love you. And your friends love you and your brothers love you, even the bat brat who was trained as a tiny assassin from birth adores you. And we will love you when you’re not okay, when you’re feeling broken, when you have bad days, weeks, months – fuck, however long. If anyone has a use in this world Dickie, it’s to just exist. To experience things, to make our own stories but also live in other people’s and you have shaped so many people’s stories Dick. You don’t have to be okay right now to have meaning, to be worth something. You will always be enough, just by being here.’
The quiet snuffling was back, but Dick reached up to place his hand over the one on his jaw, lifting it to his lips to press a quick kiss to it’s palm. Jason’s love wouldn’t fix everything, it wouldn’t make the nightmares go away, couldn’t change the past. But it was a warm blanket on a cold night, a shelter and a respite. A tether to stop his brain from drifting so far into the dark, where the what ifs consumed him. And all the quiet coping mechanisms he’d tried to wall himself up with, withdrawing so no one would notice, controlling his food so he was at least in control of something, wearing himself out to the last moment in the hope of a dreamless sleep – they wouldn’t suddenly go away. But they could be worked on.
‘Can we order takeaway and just put a movie on? Stay in bed?’
Jason kissed his head. ‘Of course darling, I’ll go hunt down a menu’.
‘And can you find my phone? I need to message Damian, and probably Donna before they teamed up – they’d be unstoppable’ It wasn’t quite a full smile, said too shakily to be a particularly funny joke, but it was a start. Jason gave him a full laugh any way. The deep belly kind that rumbled through Dick as he rested against him, and brought a real smile to his face.
It’s always good to start with the small things.