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The hardest person to forgive is always yourself. The guilt weighs you down and makes it hard to get up in the morning. It gets hard to look at yourself in the mirror. The casualties of the Shibuya incident were high and something that one couldn't simply look away from. Ghosts seemed to follow everyone that survived. Spirits had a certain way of painting themselves in the scenery and a way of finding a way into your bed every night. As she walked the streets of Shibuya Maki could feel them watching her, their gazes piercing and ripping into her back.
The last memory she had was of heat. Unbearable heat that forced the air from her lungs and silenced her screams with its power. She didn’t understand how she survived, there was no explanation why she did. She woke on the cold ground, skin feverish, uniform in tatters. Leaving her feverish on the cold cement of the ground. The heat on her skin left her several shades of deep red and pink. The pain was bearable, something that she was forever thankful for.
Naobito was gone, it didn’t mean much to her if she was being honest. She harbored the kind of hatred for him that consumed her and numbed her feelings of sympathy. Nanami hit harder, she wasn’t close to him in any way, but his prowess and talent demanded respect from her. The image of the man limping, still trying to move forward as his body was turned into a torch was horrific. The smell of his flesh and hair burning was putrid and sharp, still lingering in the air seeming to suffocate her.
She understood the fact that her occupation was akin to the grim reaper’s. The day she stepped into the school, she knew that it would only be a matter of time before she died. Closing herself off was as way that she tried to keep this at bay. It numbed her feelings to things like this, keeping her mobile and of use in the face of tragedy. Her friends were all kept at arms distance. She wasn’t too fond of the sentimental things that the rest of them liked, photos and picture books of big days. It was expected that one day they’d all die. It’s a vital part of the human experience, death is, and it was all just a matter of time. The more she made peace with that fact, the more distant it felt. It laid dormant in her mind, only awakened by a stream of flames pouring from a curse’s hand.
But there was no time to dwell on the fallen. Shibuya was silent now, but danger still lurked in every twist and bend of the city. Regrouping with everyone else was her number one priority. She didn’t know where her glasses were, they were probably incinerated in the flames, and she was practically blind. It was only a matter of time before some kind of curse tried to bring her back down to the dirt, bringing her back to Nanami and Naobito.
The sounds of her footsteps echoed in the dark of the night, but judging by the hues starting to peak out from the clouds, morning was coming soon. The road was straight and long and from what she could see, empty. As she walked she spotted steps leading down into the underground subway stations. She decided it was probably in her best interest to move below ground. They were a major access point, all interconnected and intertwined by the tracks. It would be a good place to set up a medical station, or at least a place that she would set one up in. Shoko could be there, it’d be like bliss, almost heaven to see a friendly face in the hell that the city has become. It felt selfish, selfish to seek help while some of her friends were still out in the fight. The thought rolled in her mind the same way a hard candy would, coating her brain as the meaning of the word “selfish” melted into her. She felt a height in her chest, slowing her movements and forming a lump in her throat. This wasn’t the time to cry, there was no time for that in this kind of job. She knew that, she knew that better than any other of the students in Tokyo.
As she descended down the steps she mentally prepared for what she might find, whether it’s a spread of wounded friends and sorcerers or some curse she’s blind to, ready to tear her apart. Reaching the last step she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for what she might see. When she opened them, she was surprised with nothing. The opening to the station was empty. Loose tiles had fallen to the ground, shattering and covering the floor with their shards. The pieces cracked under her shoes, as she slowly walked to the empty platform. The air of the room was eerie, it was crazy to think that this place was once bustling with life. Maki was lucky if she was being honest, the odds of their being a curse in an area this empty was fairly low. There was no pop up medical station, but there were also no signs of recent death.
She looked around and saw a still intact sign pointing the way to the connected Northern station. Behind her was a dead end and she didn’t know what she’d find in the North, but the subway stations seemed safer than travelling above ground. The yellow of the emergency lights buzzed above her head, seeming to beckon her to follow them. The pain was starting to set into her bones now. She walked slowly, trying to minimize the major movements of her body. Her skin was still hot to the touch, but she could feel the heat seeping further into her. She wasn’t one for anything medical, but she knew that she was covered in some degree of burns that would leave her body littered in scars.
The subway passageway opened up again, leading to another staircase up and an empty platform. The lights here were flickering in and out, making it easy to assume that something’s happened here. Her eyes moved from the sway of the hanging lights to the floor. There were dark footprints and drops of blood littering the ground. The ground shook and a muffled rumble ripped through the station. The fight for Shibuya wasn’t over and the shockwave acted as a not so gentle reminder.
She thought that it was true to assume that she was safer underground rather than above. She followed the swinging emergency lights deeper into the tunnel. Her mind emptied itself as she walked, there was too much concerning her and her mind decided to simply begin to tune it out. The bottom of her shoe stepped into something sticky, her brows furrowed in confusion trying to figure out what might be the source. Shock ran through her body and a hand clamped over her mouth to muffle her gasp.
One of her feet was in a puddle of blood. It wasn’t fresh, something she could tell from the tacky and stickiness of it. Her hand lowered from her mouth and she let out a slow breath. Fear was starting to gnaw at her bones. The fear iced her bones, making her movements stiff and mechanical. The tunnel opened up again and she approached it slowly. She stopped for a moment, hesitating and taking a moment to try to mentally prepare herself. Walking in Shibuya had just become one big gamble, the stakes being her very life. But she rolled the dice, walking into the opening ready to face whatever fate she may be dealt.
Her breath hitched in her throat. The air seemed to grow thin as her lungs constricted, threatening to fail. The source of the blood laid out before her eyes. There was a body, a bruised and battered body. The person lay still on the cold floor, only moving in short lived twitches. Cautious, Maki stepped closer trying to see who it might be. There was a faint glitter in the darkness, something that she recognized as one of the school’s uniform buttons marking the body as a sorcerer.
As she stepped closer she started to put the pieces together. The body looked female and the dark blood staining the hair made it hard to distinguish the color. She bent down, observing quietly. The blood caking the person’s hair was concentrated as one side of the person’s head. There were small patches of hair that remained clean. Small patches of once soft, orange hair. The body was Nobara’s.
Maki collapsed to the ground. It felt as if all the air had been knocked out of her body. She was still for a moment, sitting on her legs looking down at the girl beneath her. Her eyes were wide in shock, struggling to examine the sight before her. Nobara lay still and quiet, something she only was in sleep. There was no life or animation in her limbs, only the heavy weight of the actions that unfolded around her. It was scary, almost terrifying to see Nobara so quiet. Part of Maki expected her to get up. Maybe crack a joke and give her one of those smiles. The kind that always put her at ease and muddled her mind.
Her hair was matted, stained dark and sticky with her own blood. The scent was strong and putrid, there was no telling how long she had been here before Maki found her. Breaking free from her shock, Maki reached a hand to Nobara’s face. Careful, as if she was afraid that the girl would break beneath her touch, she tucked her hair behind her ear. It was an action she’s done countless times before, but this time there was no gentle smile or blush forming on Nobara’s face. Only the paling of her skin and the faint, shallow rattle of her lungs.
Maki suppressed a sob as she moved her hand to check for a pulse. It was faint and weak as it beat against her fingertips. The skin of her neck was clammy, impossibly cold and unmoving. She knew there was nothing to be done, not with the amount of blood on the floor. Her eyes were avoiding it, but she knew that a part of Nobara was physically gone. There were small, white pieces of matter on the floor. The realization was heavy, placing a weight into her chest, it was fragments of bone. Fragments of Nobara’s skull.
The ebb of blood leaking from the girl’s head was slow, drying on her skin and the ground around her. Maki sat in silence, unable to cope with the display laid out before her. The sight was so foreign and so unfamiliar to her. Part of her was so used to seeing Nobara always laughing and smiling at her. But there were no smiles to be had. Nobara wasn’t going to get up. She wasn’t going to smile. She wasn’t going to laugh.
The older girl took Nobara’s right hand in her own, enveloping the girl’s smaller one. The cold of Nobara’s fingers leached at the warmth of her body. She was cold, so impossibly cold. The tears started to spill as she brought the hand to her face, pressing the girl’s knuckles to her lips. The touch elicited no response from the girl behind her, creating a sob that run through Maki’s body with no regard for her. Her body shook with the force of her cries, eliciting strangled gasps from her lungs. Her vision was swimming, her eyes simply couldn’t blink the tears away fast enough. The didn’t seem to stop and only continued to fall down her face, white hot. She held Nobara’s hand in her own as she cried, pressing it to her forehead as she sobbed. She could feel the tears streaming down her hand and wrist. Her voice came out strangled and desperate, repeating an apology over and over again almost like a prayer. The time was gone and there was nothing more to be said or nothing more to be done. Over the sound of her own tears she heard one last wretched, strangled breath escape Nobara’s lips.
Almost two months had passed since Shibuya. There was always the same dream plaguing Maki’s slumber. She’d be sitting in a field of tall, golden grasses and Nobara would be standing a few feet away. The girl always wore the same clothes, a straw hat and yellow sundress that stopped right above her knees. No sound escaped her lips as she spoke to Maki, she only seemed to smile at her and point at the horizon while her other hand rested on top of her head to keep her hat from blowing away.
But the wind always picked up, violently whipping the grasses against her body. She’d sink lower into the ground, being consumed by the warmth and dampness of the earth pulling her down into it’s depths. A scream would rip out from her throat, straining her vocal cords only to be completely soundless when it left her lips. As she reached an arm out to Nobara, the younger girl would turn to her, mouthing the words “What’s wrong?” The field would distort and the golden grasses would be stained crimson red. When Nobara faced her, it took her mind back to Shibuya. Blood would be trickling down the younger girl’s face, falling down and staining the field. She’d reach out, screaming for Maki. But, by the time she heard her voice being called she would be completely swallowed by the earth, choking as it filled her mouth and lungs.
She couldn’t remember when, but at some point she stopped sleeping. Stopped almost everything. She could barely remember the last time she had seen her friends. The last time was probably at Nobara’s funeral. They had all gone together. They had all stood at the grave, watching the casket get lowered into the gaping earth. The day was sunny, almost like it was mocking them.
Maki didn’t cry then. She stood distant and emotionless as she watched the wooden casket get lowered into the ground. Her vision seemed to tunnel as she stood and her ears rang, consuming all her thoughts. She knew Yuji was crying, the boy was a mess. He was completely shattered, falling to the ground and sobbing into his knees repeating that it was all his fault. That they should all blame him. It wasn’t true, it wasn’t his fault. But there was no comfort in not placing blame. They needed something to be angry at, something to direct their rage onto.
At some point she had felt Toge rest a hand on her shoulder. The boy’s eyes were rimmed red and swollen. She didn’t think that she deserved the comfort. There was someone that deserved it more than she did. Megumi needed it more than she did. The boy was standing, consumed in absolute shock and horror. It looked as if something within him had broken. By nature he was more quiet and withdrawn, but this was something more. Sorrow swallowed the boy’s eyes and it seemed as if storms brewed behind his irises.
Nothing ever seemed to go back to the way it was before Shibuya. Yuta returned at some point, she had lost track of the days they all seemed to start blurring together, and he brought some kind of joy to the campus. The boy was an endless stream of apologies to Yuji and tried his best to make up for the execution orders he almost went through with. The younger boy would always manage some kind of tired smile and murmur some kind of sentiment, but everyone could see past it. There weren’t enough apologies that could be said to fix what had been done. There was no fixing the pain the event had inflicted on all of them.
Another month passed before Gojo returned. The lanky man was freed, but there were still constraints making his limbs heavy. There were no more jokes or quiet smiles to be exchanged between him and the students. The reunion was one of the few happy moments that the school was blessed with. They had all sat outside on the steps of the school waiting for him to walk through the gates.
The day was bright and the sun shone bright as cicadas sang their song in the trees. It reminded her of the day she first met Nobara. The girl had sat on these same steps, seemingly bored as she sat holding her head in her hands. Her face was bruised and bandaged and she had watched Maki with curious brown eyes. There was a lot that Maki was willing to give up to feel that again. Although her first impression on Nobara was a cold, seemingly heartless one she wanted to live it again. She wanted more time to look at her. More time to feel those eyes looking her up and down, sizing her up and trying to figure out what kind of person she was.
When Gojo finally did arrive, tears were rimming her eyes. Coaxed out by the small memory she was replaying through her mind. Yuji ran up the man, tackling him in a hug. The teacher stumbled backwards from the impact before grinning as he wrapped his long arms around the boy, stroking the his pink hair as Yuji began to cry into his white shirt. They all followed him, walking up to Gojo and throwing their arms around him.
There was a chorus of sobs breaking the warm air. His smile was wide and toothy as tears of pure joy slipped down Gojo’s face as he tried to comfort all of his students. Maki stood still, pressing her cheek against the man's shirt. His arms held her close to him, letting her feel the warmth and realness of his body. Faintly, she could hear the beat of his heart, strong and solid as it pumped in his chest. He was here. He was alive. He had survived. A numbness settled in her mind and limbs. She wasn’t feeling the kind of joy that everyone else was feeling. There were no tear tracts staining her face and no smile dancing on her lips. Her brows furrowed in confusion. It didn’t seem fair to her. Why did he survive? Why did everyone else get to have someone come back to them? When would it be her turn for closure and comfort? The confusion turned into a burst of white hot rage. She was angry, angry at his return. It wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t be able to waltz back into the school, back into everyone’s lives, with such ease. It wasn’t fair, not if Nobara couldn’t do the same.
Fair was a word that she dwelled on a lot. It wasn’t something that she could associate herself with anymore. It wasn’t fair for her to skip out on dinner with her friends, to skip appointments with Shoko, or to be mad at Gojo being alive. The isolation she had created for herself wasn’t fair to anyone, not even her. She made herself alone in her suffering, alone in her grief. Almost everyone had thrown out a line to try to help her, but she tossed them all to the side. Letting herself drown in her own thoughts.
She barely left her room. The door stayed locked and the blinds remained closed. Trinkets and photos that used to line her walls and adorn her desk were all taken down and stored away in a drawer. The room has lost a sense of self. The light switch was collecting dust, hardly used because the darkness made it harder for her to see herself, easing her pain slightly. She didn’t like looking in her mirror anymore, the reflective surface was covered with a space sheet. In all honestly, she was scared of what she might see.
The face of a killer would stare back at her if she were to ever muster up the courage it’d take to look at herself in the mirror. A killer with hollow eyes and faint scars on their face. She had only started using the word killer to describe herself recently. The decision was one that she came to on her own, she was Nobara’s killer. The girl’s death was her fault, her blood stained her hands. If only she had trained Nobara better or maybe insisted on finding her group during the incident, maybe she’d be alive.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock on the door, “Maki? There's something I'd like to tell you if that’s okay. We’re all worried about you.” It was Shoko. The doctor used to come 3 or 4 times a day, but the requests for entrance died down when she saw how closed off Maki had become. She stayed quiet, turning her attention away from the door. She sat on her bed, arms hugging her knees close to her chest. Despite the lack of response Shoko spoke again, “Yuta wants to talk to you. He’s going to come in, okay?”
The door slowly opened and the light emitting from the hallway slowly bathed the room in fresh white. The boy stepped in hesitantly and Maki watched as he walked towards her. Her eyes followed him as he gave her a soft smile and wave, “Hey Maki, it’s been a while.” He sat down on the bed next to her and began to explain himself, “Before you ask, no Shoko didn’t put me up to this. We’re all, no, I’m worried about you.” She felt his dark eyes examining her, trying to find any kind of subtle change or softening of expression.
Her voice sounded foreign to her, she has barely heard it for so long. The words were shaky and fragile as they fell from her lips, “I… I killed her Yuta.” Her bottom lip began to quiver and shake as she saw the look of confusion pass onto the boy’s face. The tears were building up, quick to prick at the corner of her eyes threatening to spill at any moment. Her breaths came out as strangled gasps and she repeated herself, “Nobara’s dead because of me. It’s all my fault.” As the last word passedes her lips, her throat constricted and she felt the weight in her chest growing heavier and heavier.
Yuta’s eyes were dark and weighted by worry. Truthfully, he’s never seen Maki like this. He’s always viewed her as someone so strong and so enduring, assuming that she’d never really be phased by another student’s death. But something must have shifted while he was gone overseas. Something must have happened, something or someone changed Maki. Nobara had softened her, she had taken Maki’s rough, violent edges and evened them out with her warmth. But that warmth was gone from Maki’s life and no one had what Nobara was able to give her. Yuta watched in shock as Maki broke right before his eyes. The tears streaming down her face were silent at first, before devolving into gasping, shuddering sobs tearing through her whole body. The best that he could do was wrap his arms around Maki, holding her close to him. She trembled underneath him, gasping for air. He knew there was nothing he could do, but try to comfort her. So he sat with her caressing her hair as he heard her whisper over and over again through her tears, “It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.”
The healing process was a hard one. She started leaving her room and talking to people again, that was a step towards progress. It would only be for small intervals of time, but all of her friends were happy to see her. One of the bigger days was when she went into the common area. Everyone was there, just like old times, talking in their group and playing games on the television.
She walked into the room and was immediately greeted by laughter. She stood by the doorway for a moment, trying to take a mental snapshot. They all wore their plain day clothes, t-shirts and sweatpants comfortable. It seemed like they were all recovering. There was no overcast hanging over them, no guilt no mourning. She felt a small smile creeping onto her lips, something that had become so rare since the events of Shibuya.
Yuji sat on the couch, smashing the controller button in his hands. He played with Megumi and Toge, some kind of Super Smash Bros competition. It was something that they all used to have weekly. Every Sunday after training, they’d all come in here to play. The winner always got some kind of reward whether it was food or some fragile paper crown folded by Toge. Nobara used to always win. The thought dampened her mood and she felt her happiness begin to slip away from her again. There was something missing about the picture and it was Nobara. Her laughs and exclamations weren’t there to cut through the focused air that the boy’s created. She was there between Yuji and Megumi, nudging there hands and making their characters fall off the platform.
She turned to leave the room, heading back to her dorm to marinate in the thoughts. Before she could she heard Yuta call out to her, “Hey Maki! Why don’t you come sit with us.” The dark haired boy smiled at her, he sat with Panda by the room’s window. From the way it looked it seemed as if they were playing some kind of card game together. His announcement of her presence ceased the game’s music emitting from the television. Yuji turned around on the coach, “Maki! Come on, stay with us a bit!” The boy’s smile was warm and bright, coaxing out her own joy.
Despite her better judgement she walked to the coach, passing by Yuta. He gave her a small nod, some kind of silent acknowledgement of her small bit of progress. Yuji ran up to the tv stand, grabbing a spare unused controller. He sat to the left of the coach, leaving an open space between him and Megumi. Toge sat on the floor in front of the coach, giving her a small wave as she sat down.
Yuji scrolled through the pause menu, ending the game and setting it back to the starting screen. Despite Megumi’s protest, he started a new round selecting the option for four players instead of three. He extended his hand out to her and offered her the controller, “Here, play with us for a bit.” She gave him a smile and mumbled a thank you before turning her attention to the screen. They all sped to pick their character, (Yuji picked Mario, Toge Mega Man, and Megumi Charizard) while she stalled for a moment. They were all patient with her, filling the pause with taunts and promises on who would win. The cursor settled on a character, Kirby Nobara’s favorite.
It was something that Shoko had suggested. Some way to get some kind of closure proven by some scholarly study. Maki didn’t really believe that part, especially when she knew that Shoko had cheated her way through medical school. She stood facing Nobara’s grave with a bouquet of flowers in hand. They were a fresh bunch of white and pink camellia flowers and the breeze caused some of their petals to fall loose and slowly fall down onto the stone pathway. This was one of the first times she had worn her uniform since Shibuya, but it felt right. If Nobara really was watching her up in some kind of heaven, she wanted to be the confident, strong Maki the girl would remember her as.
Her voice came out small and meek, “Hey. This is kind of awkward, but Shoko said it might help.” Her cheeks burned with an odd kind of embarrassment, in reality she was talking to a grave. But she wasn’t a quiter, if she started the conversation she’d finish it. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you that much. It’s just… it’s hard for me sometimes. I’ve tried to stop blaming myself so much for it,” a small laugh escaped from her lips, “Yuta said that if he catches me blaming myself again he'll use it as a way to rough me up more when we spar. Don’t worry though, I always beat him.”
She paused for a moment, looking up at the sky before she continued, “Shoko said that I should tell you everything. Everything that I wish that I could tell you, just talk to you like you’re still here.” Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath, “Nobara, I miss you. I know that everyone misses you too, but I miss you. I miss hearing your laugh, seeing you smile, just everything about you. I know I have the pictures we took together, but it’s not enough. It’s not you .” Her voice started to break and she cursed under her breath. “I… Nobara I love you. I never told you because I was so scared of what you’d say.” Tears were starting to line the rims of her eyes as she spoke. She opened her eyes, starring and speaking at the headstone, “I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared that you’d leave me. I know it’s stupid, I know you’d never do that to me.”
She paused for a moment, letting herself breathe and try to calm down. “Nobara, I should have told you. I wanted to tell you after Shibuya,” despite the tears streaming down her face she mustered a small laugh, “I wanted to take you out into the city. Maybe take you shopping and get some food. There’s this ice cream place that I thought you might like. On the walk back to the train station I’d tell you, maybe even try to hold your hand.” A smile found its way onto her lips as she imagined it playing out in her head. She walked forwards to lay the flowers down onto the grave. “I just wanted to tell you. You deserved to know. I love you Nobara, I always will.”
Shoko was right. The one sided conversation helped her. Maki tried her best to reintegrate herself back into the school. Her friends all welcomed her back with open arms, bombarding her with hugs and smiles. They all seemed genuinely happy to see her and their joy made it easier for her to experience her own. Nobara became deathless. The girl was almost always in Maki’s mind, but she began to find ways to still function.
Nobara became something that felt infinite to Maki. She’d visit the girl’s grave once a month, always with flowers, to tell her about her life. The tears that used to come with every visit eventually ran dry. Now she’d come and sit, peeling and eating an orange as she told Nobara about her life. She treated the conversations like a diary, she would tell her about her attempts to fix her relationship with Mai and the daily training that Gojo put her and the other students through. She found a way to let Nobara’s memory rest. The memories she kept close to her heart were only things that she kept filled with love and Nobara remained deathless in her mind. The girl had held multitudes that Maki now carried within her. She had her conversations with her, she had that and the memories. Nobara left them with Maki, entrusting her with her memory. She gave it all up, leaving Maki with a memory of her that’d never leave.