Work Text:
“I want you to do something for me,” Lauren said slowly. Puck already knew that tone; it meant that she’d been planning on asking him this for a while and had finally deemed the time right.
“Anything for a fellow badass,” Puck said agreeably. Last time he’d agreed to Lauren’s thoughtful demands, he got to motorboat her bazoombas. His boundaries had disappeared when it came to her. No demand was too great, not when there was a reward like that on the line.
“I need you to bring in a dude to make out with,” she said.
“You have a dude to make out with,” Puck answered. “Me.”
“Oh, sweetcheeks,” Lauren patted one of said cheeks. “Not me. I need you to find a guy for you to make out with. Momma wants a show.”
Puck stared at her boobs for a good minute before saying, “And if I say no?”
“That’s cute,” Lauren said cheerfully. “You still think you have a choice.”
Puck totally had a choice. Puck could make any choice he wanted. Lauren didn’t have him by the balls. “This is why Jacob Ben Israel no longer fears me.”
Lauren raised an eyebrow. “You really can’t intimidate anyone, can you?”
“I’m working on it,” Puck muttered.
*
“So, you’ve had girlfriends before,” Puck said thoughtfully to Finn the next day during their weekly X-box evening.
Finn gave him a weird look. “Yes. You hooked up with them, you should know.”
Puck chose to ignore that in favor of focusing on the matter at hand. “Did they ever ask you to do anything weird?”
“Rachel sometimes made me wear gold star stickers on my heart,” Finn said. “Something about cymbals.”
“Did she reward you with boobs?” Puck asked.
“Girls do that?” Finn sounded awed.
Puck really dodged a bullet with that one. “Yeah, Finn. Girls do that.”
Finn bit his lip as he killed a few more zombies. “Why’d you ask?”
“Zizes,” Puck said, which he felt was explanation enough.
“Does she like stickers, too?” Finn asked.
“I wish,” Puck said darkly. “She wants...”
He stopped abruptly as Kurt entered the room, holding a glass of warm milk on a tray with a fuckin’ doily on it. Kurt was totally into making out with dudes. He’d worn a shirt that said so and everything. And he smelled pretty, just like a girl...
“Hey, wanna make out with me?” Puck asked before he thought about it too hard.
Kurt sloshed warm milk all over Finn’s lap. “What?”
“Please tell me you’re asking him,” Finn gasped as he groped around for something to wipe his lap off with. He was turning an interesting shade of purple, Puck noticed. Kurt probably even knew a fancy name for it.
“What?” Kurt repeated. His voice went kind of high, like it did when he sang.
Seriously, it was like no one had ever propositioned him before. “Not right now,” Puck said. “Or, wait, you have a boyfriend. Nevermind. I don’t make out with people with boyfriends anymore.” He paused. “Unless your boyfriend wants to make out with me instead. Would that be cool?”
Kurt blinked rapidly. Finn kept making weird wheezing noises.
“Dude, are you okay?” he asked Finn, patting him on the back. “Can you breathe?”
“I don’t think I’m your type,” Kurt finally seemed to have found his tongue.
Puck shrugged. “You smell nice enough, and Lauren wants me to make out with a dude, so...”
Finn’s eyes were wide, but he’d stopped choking and had found the doily to blot his crotch with. “And you agreed?”
“I get boobs if I do what she says,” Puck said easily. “Have you seen Lauren’s boobs? If I dive in there deep enough, I might suffocate.” That had made it all the way to number seven on his ‘best ways to die’ list.
“So you’re... going gay for boobs,” Kurt said slowly, like it was the dumbest thing he’d ever heard.
“See, that’s where your gay is showing,” Puck said. “I’d do pretty much anything for boobs as glorious as those.”
Kurt shook his head.
Puck sighed. “So that’s a no?”
“That’s a no,” Kurt affirmed.
“And your boyfriend?” Puck said hopefully.
“Also a no,” Kurt said.
Finn said, “Wait, you’d rather make out with Kurt than your best friend? Harsh!”
Puck rolled his eyes. “Finn, dude. Santana’s already shared all about your complete lack of game, and you smell like socks. I definitely don’t want to make out with you.”
Finn looked kind of hurt. “I’d ask you first if Quinn wanted me to kiss a dude.”
“Yeah, because I’m a stud,” Puck said. “I’m the obvious first choice.”
Kurt shook his head, like he couldn’t quite wrap his head around the conversation. “I wish I had a time machine so I could share this moment with you two back when you threw me in dumpsters.”
“I can’t believe you’re passing up a chance to get on all this,” Puck said, motioning towards the glory that was his slammin’ bod.
“Boyfriend,” Kurt said pointedly.
“Yeah, you’ve totally thought about it,” Puck said, vindicated. “It’s cool. I’ll get someone else.”
*
Lauren met him at his locker the next day at school. “Any luck, Puckerman?”
“Two strikeouts from Team Rainbow,” Puck said. “I’m going to have to borrow someone from the home team. Any preferences?”
“I just need the hot boy-on-boy,” Lauren said. She was smiling in a really self-satisfied way that made Puck think of happy endings. “Go with whoever you think is pretty.”
Puck knew how to score points with ladies. “But I’ve already picked you.”
Lauren slugged him in the arm. He was pretty sure it was going to bruise. “Shut the fuck up, loser, and get yourself a man.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
*
After some careful thought, Puck decided that Sam was definitely his best option. He was single and there had already been rumors about him being gay so it wasn’t like he had a reputation to worry about, and also Puck had to admit that he’d had a few interesting thoughts about his mouth even before Santana’s awesome song.
So he sat down across from him at lunch and tried to come up with a smoother pick-up than he’d attempted with Kurt.
“You’re giving me a weird look,” Sam said. “Do we have to have the hooker talk again?”
“Busking isn’t hooking,” Puck said, repeating his earlier arguments for a way for Sam to help out his family. “You only touch your own instrument.”
“I refuse to solicit money on street corners,” Sam gritted out. “I have to have some standards. I already live in a seedy motel.”
“That wasn’t what I was thinking, anyway,” Puck said. “Lauren wants me to make out with a dude in front of her. You in?”
“Why does everyone think I’m into guys?” Sam said plaintively. “Seriously, is it the hair? I can change the hair.”
“It’s the porn lips,” Puck said. “But you shouldn’t change those.” He patted Sam’s hand and said seriously,” You’re beautiful just the way you are.”
“You’re creeping me out,” Sam said. He was looking at Puck like he’d been bodysnatched.
Puck sighed. “I was trying to woo you. Seriously, is my game off or something?”
“I have no idea how you have ever scored if you think porn lips is a compliment,” Sam said.
“I’m pretty sure that worked with a Cheerio,” Puck said. “Or maybe it was a cougar. Either way, definitely got lucky.”
Sam shook his head. “I’m not making out with you.”
“Come on, it’d be like Jagger and Bowie!” Puck said. He’d already given the matter a bit of thought himself, and seriously, if it was cool with Mick Jagger and David Bowie to occassionally foray into the gay, then who was Puck to argue it?
Sam brightened a bit. “Ground control to Major Tom,” he said in a deep voice. “I would have been an awesome Ziggy Stardust.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Puck said. “You think you’re the Bowie in this scenario? Because I am obviously Bowie.”
“Dude,” Sam said, “You’re definitely Jagger. Offensive and a little dumb but charming, while I am interesting and quirky and inventive.”
“Look in the mirror,” Puck said. “You’re probably Jagger’s lovechild with that mouth. Whereas I am secure enough to rock a unique hairstyle.”
“A stupid hairstyle,” Sam muttered as Santana put her tray down next to his with a loud clank and sat down.
“I don’t want to make out with you anymore,” Puck grumbled.
“Good, because I’m bored of you, too,” Santana said, eyebrow raised questioningly.
“Not you,” Puck said. “I was going to make out with Sam until his delusions about Bowie ruined it.”
“I never agreed,” Sam pointed out. “Just for the record.”
“Like you could resist,” Puck said.
Santana thoughtfully crunched on a carrot stick. “Do you think that there’s possibly some sort of rainbow dust in the water supply? Brittany suggested it once, and now I’m thinking the idea had some validity.”
“I’m not gay,” Puck said. “Lauren wants it, not me.”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Please. You make out with someone for show and the next thing you know you’re singing Fleetwood Mac songs at them hoping to go to prom together.”
Sam looked as though he was doing a particularly challenging math problem.
Puck had more important issues to discuss. “How come you and Brit never had a threesome with me?”
“Because you’re disgusting,” Santana said, which was obviously a lie. Puck had plenty of proof that Santana did not, in fact, find him disgusting.
“I’m just saying,” Puck said.
“How come no one told me about you and Brittany?” Sam wondered aloud. “I mean, you’d think someone would have clued me in after that Landslide performance.”
“Dude, you can see from space that they’re totally in love,” Puck said. “I figured you were trying to get in on that.”
Santana flicked a grape at him. “Stop with your stupid obsession with threesomes.”
Something occurred to Puck. “Do you think I could get Lauren to make out with a chick if I make out with a dude? That’s fair, right?”
“Maybe you should ask Lauren,” Sam suggested.
“Not it,” Santana said, “I don’t do whales.”
“I can see what Karofsky sees in you,” Puck replied, flipping her off.
“Charming,” Santana replied. She stood up. “I’m outta here, but I’m going to be sure to tell everyone I know that you’re looking for a man, Puck.”
“I will end you,” Puck said. “Total annihilation.”
Santana blew him a kiss and sashayed off.
“You are going to get so slushied,” Sam said.
“Shove it, Jagger-mouth,” Puck replied.
*
“No,” Artie said as soon as Puck approached him. “You aren’t that hot.”
“I’m going to kill Santana,” Puck announced.
“Santana’s actually innocent, for the first time in her life,” Artie asked. “I heard that you were trolling for boy-lovers from Kurt.”
“Is there anyone in this school who isn’t a gossipy bitch?” Puck asked. He leaned against the lockers and let his head bang back against the metal with a clang.
“Well,” Artie said, “if you proposition Kurt Hummel, you really have to expect word to get around. Boy isn’t exactly subtle.”
“It was a spur of the moment thing,” Puck said. “I like making Lauren happy.”
“You are whipped, brother,” Artie said, shaking his head sadly.
“And you’re jealous,” Puck replied. Lauren was awesome, she could whip him if she wanted. Figuratively or literally. Puck wasn’t particular.
Mercedes came around the corner and paused behind Artie’s wheelchair. “Jealous of what?”
“Puck thinks I’m sad because I don’t have a lady to bully me into gay shenanigans,” Artie replied.
“Lauren doesn’t bully me into anything,” Puck said. “She just offers awesome incentives. Like boobs.”
“Then why didn’t you hit on someone with man-boobs?” Mercedes asked. “You and Finn together would be sort of hot in a fumbling jock kind of way.”
“Finn,” Puck said levelly, “smells like socks. He definitely doesn’t have enough boob action to make up for that.”
“For once, your logic is impeccable,” Mercedes said. “So how many strikeouts are we talking here?”
“Do you think that any of those Warblers would be interested?” Puck asked. Artie made a noise that sounded like a snort, but it couldn’t have been, because then Puck would have to kick his ass.
“That bad, huh?” Mercedes said. “Maybe you just aren’t trying hard enough.”
It was like she’d never met him. “Puckasaurus doesn’t need to try hard, toots. Dudes should be lining up for a chance to get on this.”
“Baby, you have to resort to song to get girls to make out with you,” Mercedes pointed out. “I don’t think guys are going to just get on that just because you’re offering.”
“I am not wasting a perfectly good serenade on a random guy,” Puck said. “You’ve made out with me. Go recommend my skills to some fellows.”
“You want Mercedes to pimp you out,” Artie said slowly, like he was trying desperately to hold in laughter. “To boys.”
“Not pimp,” Puck clarified. “I’m not banging anyone.”
“Apparently you would if Lauren asked you to,” Mercedes snickered. Artie high-fived her.
Puck turned and walked away. He was badass. He didn’t have to put up with this shit.
*
Of course he runs into Karfosky hovering over Hummel on his way to find Lauren. That’s just the kind of day Noah Puckerman is having. He’s not really interested in getting into a fight with Karofsky, especially since Puck’s still on probation, but he can’t just walk by without letting his feelings be known.
“Oy, Karofsky,” he said, because seriously, Karofsky was standing creepilly close to Kurt, “just because you got coronated together doesn’t mean he’s your queen.”
Karofsky turned a really interesting shade of red. He matched his beret. “I wasn’t. I mean. Shove it, Puckerman!”
That was a lot of sputtering. A suspicious amount, really. Puck had a lot of new gay experience to rely on now that he’d been turned down by dudes and he looked back and forth and then started laughing. “Seriously? All that drama because you’re hot for Hummel?”
Kurt made a strangled noise.
“No!” Karfosky said, but it was really, painfully obvious that he was lying. “That’s disgusting!”
“I completely agree,” Puck said. He raised an eyebrow at Kurt. “Please tell me you didn’t make out with him and then turned me down.”
Kurt said, “I have no desire to make out with either of you.”
Karofsky looked shifty.
Puck narrowed his eyes at him. “You didn’t lay a finger on my boy here, did you? Because that shit’s not cool.”
“I can’t believe you’re defending my honor,” Kurt said. “That isn’t going to score you brownie points with me or my boyfriend, just so you know.”
“I was thinking maybe a Warbler,” Puck said.
“Um,” Karofsky said. “What?”
“I’ve been hitting on boys all day,” Puck said. He turned to Kurt. “No wonder you’ve been so bitchy. Boys just aren’t willing to put out at this school.” He paused. “You too, I guess,” he said to Karofsky.
Karofsky looked really confused. “You aren’t gay.”
“I’m all about pleasing my lady,” Puck said nobly. “And my lady wants boy-on-boy. Plus it’s totally a rockstar thing to do.”
Kurt shook his head. “You manage to find ways to be offensive just by breathing, don’t you?”
“You aren’t going to tell anyone, are you?” Karofsky was really kind of pale, now that Puck looked at him.
“About your creepy stalker crush?” Puck said. “It’s really awesome dirt, I gotta say.”
“Outting people isn’t cool,” Kurt interjected.
“Dude, you told everyone about me propositioning you,” Puck said. Karofsky looked kind of like he wanted to punch something.
Kurt rolled his eyes. “That’s because that was hilarious, not a huge personal secret that affects your entire life.”
Puck shrugged. Karofsky deserved the misery, but... “Dude, Santana’s blackmailing you, isn’t she?”
“There’s nothing to blackmail me over,” Karofsky said feebly.
Kurt made one of those weird faces he made sometimes when he couldn’t seem to grasp how stupid the world around him was.
Puck resisted the urge to snicker. “Well, I’m not interfering with Santana’s business.”
Karofsky opened his mouth like he was about to ask something.
Puck held up a finger. “Before you even think it, no. I don’t make out with assholes.”
Kurt looked like he doubted the logic, and Karofsky looked weirdly disappointed as he muttered, “I wasn’t going to say that, fuckwad.”
Puck watched him stomp off. Lauren was going to hear about all the shit she had managed to get him into. Granted, she’d probably laugh at him and pat him fondly on the Mohawk, but Puck was going to make sure she knew about all the effort he’d put into this idea.
“Seriously,” Puck said after a moment. “You didn’t get any action before the Warbler?”
Kurt gave a withering stare. “As you’ve discovered, there is in fact a veritable army of boys looking for some same-sex action at this school.”
“Dude,” Puck said, shaking his head. “That’s fucking tragic.”
“I’m glad that you finally have sympathy for my plight,” Kurt said. Puck wasn’t really sure if he was being sarcastic or not -- it was really hard to tell with that kid -- so he just offered his fist to bump.
Kurt looked at it warily, then delicately bumped his fist against Puck’s. He was wearing a sharp ring, but Puck didn’t ruin the moment by saying so.
*
“I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you, Noah.”
Puck took a deep breath before turning around. Rachel was standing there, books clutched to her sweater-covered chest, with Jesse St James smirking beside her.
“You don’t even go to this school,” Puck told Jesse.
“I’m here in a professional capacity,” Jesse replied easily. “Seeing young minds open themselves up to new experiences is one of the most rewarding parts of being a mentor.”
“What the hell,” Puck said. “That’s both creepy and inaccurate.”
“Hush, Puckerman,” Rachel said. “Jesse’s talking.”
“As I was saying,” Jesse said, “I would be willing to offer my own services for your explorations. I’m charming and handsome and would be an ideal candidate.”
Puck paused. “I’ll get back to you on that.”
Rachel clapped excitedly. “I think it would be quite aesthetically pleasing! Much like myself, Jesse is constantly looking for inspiration for future songwriting and performances. Such explorations are the foundation for a lot of future bittersweet reminiscing.”
Jesse nodded seriously. “Some might say that my fall from four-time national champion to college dropout would be sufficient for channelling angst, but I feel that one should always embrace new experiences in order to grow as a performer.”
Puck blinked. They were looking at him with the same eerie expression, all show smiles and crazy eyes. Puck was pretty sure they came from the same home planet. “Um. Awesome.”
He’d already gone down the Rachel crazy path. He was pretty sure that making out with Jesse would permanently infect him with their mutual brand of batshit and he’d go around singing show tunes and overreacting to everything.
*
“You owe me so much,” Puck informed Lauren. He’d finally met up with her on the way to glee practice, and he offered her his arm. She rolled her eyes at him.
“I hear you’ve been having some difficulties,” she acknowledged. “I appreciate the effort.”
“You know how you can show that appreciation,” he said, eyeing her most appreciated parts.
“Eyes away from the prize, Puckerman,” Lauren said, lifting his chin up and grinning at him. “As I was saying, I’ll understand if you don’t succeed in your mission.”
“Oh, I succeeded,” Puck said. “But I’m just not sure I’m willing to get to any base with Jesse St James. I’m pretty sure that he’d write a song about it, and it wouldn’t be something awesome like I write.”
“You do have a misguided but charming way with words,” Lauren agreed. “No other takers?”
“None,” Puck said. “Well, Sam was almost a go until he ruined it with his illusions about being Bowie.”
Lauren’s shoulders shook. “This is the best idea I’ve ever had.”
Sometimes Puck felt more like an experiment than a boyfriend. “I’ve had to put up with a lot today, Zizes. Don’t make me regret it.”
“So there your balls are,” Lauren said. “I understand that I presented you with a challenge, but at least you have a fallback plan now.”
They reached the choir room. Puck stood to the side and waited for Lauren to open the door for him. He’d learned the lesson the hard way that he shouldn’t open it for her, no matter how many times his mother had told him to be a gentleman. Lauren didn’t seem inclined towards gentlemen.
He followed Lauren to the risers, where he sat down next to her. The only other kids already there were Mike and Tina, who were busy sucking face.
Puck watched them for a minute and realized that he hadn’t propositioned Mike yet. “Mike Chang!” he announced.
The face suckage continued.
“Mike Chang!” Puck said even louder.
They broke apart. Mike raised a questioning eyebrow while Tina leaned over and wiped a smear of lipstick off his chin.
“As you may have heard,” Puck began, “I am on a mission from Zizes to find a dude to make out with.”
“I heard,” Tina said. “You’ve gotten shot down hard.”
Puck flipped her off as he continued. “So, Mike Chang, would you like to go out on a date with us?”
“I’ll spring for dinner,” Lauren added.
“It sounds very nice,” Mike said, “but I’ve already got a date.” He squeezed Tina tight.
“No shit,” Lauren said.
“She can come too,” Puck added. “It could be a double date switcheroo.”
“We’ll negotiate that later,” Lauren promised.
“So, you’ll buy me dinner if I whore out my boyfriend,” Tina said slowly.
“At Breadstix,” Lauren confirmed.
“Okay,” Tina said. “Hon, how do you feel about it?”
Mike shrugged. “I’m down.”
Puck really didn’t know why he didn’t just approach Mike Chang in the first place. Mike was awesome. Mike had sweet moves. Mike wouldn’t have told everyone under the sun about Puck’s flirtation with bisexuality.
Tina already had her phone out, though, and Puck knew from Brittany’s internet talk show that Tina couldn’t keep a secret to save her life.
Mike seemed to notice the glare Puck was directing at Tina’s phone and gave him a quick, reassuring nod. He leaned over to peer at what Tina was texting. “Let’s keep this quiet, okay?”
“But it’s such good dirt!” Tina immediately protested.
“If all goes well, you can dish on Fondue for Two,” Lauren offered. Puck considered arguing, but really, if it went well, that meant he was a sex god and that was already pretty much common knowledge.
“Then you’ll have the exclusive,” Puck said.
Mike tickled her side, and Tina relented. “Okay, but this is a really hard secret to keep.”
“I thought you used to be like, mute,” Puck pointed out.
“That was a stutter,” Tina corrected, “and that was before I was getting dirt on people.”
Mike nodded seriously. “We’re the It Couple around here, which comes with a lot of rumormongering.”
“I thought that was Finn and whoever he’d convinced to date him this week,” Lauren said. “Hence all the solos.”
Mike shook his head. “That’s just the drama factor. We are the Helen Mirrens to Finn and whoever’s Lindsey Lohan. Class and substance over flash any day.”
He and Tina did a complicated handshake.
It did make a lot of sense. Puck shrugged. “Well, It Couple, prepare to have your world rocked.”
They didn’t get a chance to reply as the rest of the glee club came trickling in. Rachel gave Puck an exaggerated wink that made him want to give Mike Chang a hug then and there. He was pretty sure that if he’d taken Jesse up on his offer, Rachel would have been there with camera in hand, probably perched in a director’s chair, giving them instructions through a megaphone.
Brittany patted him on the arm and offered to let him hang out with Lord Tubbington. Puck wasn’t sure what she thought he would do with an obese cat, but he agreed anyway. Brittany was too sincere to turn down. Plus, though he would never admit it out loud, Lord Tubbington was a really awesome cuddler.
Mr. Schue entered the room and began to talk about how they needed to nail down a set list for Nationals – Puck pretty much thought that any decent director would have nailed one down around the time they won regionals -- and Puck was relieved that no one would be giving him those knowing glances anymore when Quinn raised her hand.
“Yes?” Mr. Schue asked her, dry erase marker still in hand from where he’d drawn a tree on the white board. Puck really had no clue what was going on here anymore.
“I think that we should let Puck sing his feelings today, Mr. Schue,” Quinn said sweetly. “From what I’ve heard he’s had a rough day.”
Puck really wished that he’d mastered the art of shooting lasers from his eyes because he had a primo target right now.
“I don’t think that will help us prepare for Nationals,” Mr. Schue said in a startling show of professionalism.
“I second Quinn’s proposal,” Kurt piped up with.
“And I agree with Kurt and Quinn,” Rachel added.
“Well—“ Mr. Schue said, and it was obvious that he’d succumbed to peer pressure. Or student pressure.
“I hate you all,” Puck informed them.
Lauren patted him on the arm. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”
So Puck swaggered down and killed a version of “Suffragette City” just for his lady, and also as a bit of a ‘screw you, Sam’ because seriously, Puck was an awesome Bowie. Plus he was pretty sure all the dudes in glee had forgotten what a hotass he was, or else none of them would have turned him down, so he turned the sexy up a notch.
Sam rolled his eyes but Puck could tell that he was totally intimidated by Puck’s Ziggy Stardust stylings.
When he sat down Lauren squeezed his thigh and whispered, “Wham bam thank you ma’am.”
Yeah, Puck was awesome and so was his lady.
*
Dinner at Breadstix probably wasn’t the best idea. The waitress kept flirting with Puck even after Lauren threatened to bodyslam her, and Mike and Tina kept feeding each other, which was a little too cutesy for Puck’s tastes. Apparently Mike had even fewer visitation days with his balls than Puck, though Puck was too smart to actually say that aloud.
Though really, Mike seemed to be instigating a lot of the over the top cutesy behavior, so maybe that was just what he was into. Puck hoped Mike didn’t try to feed him any carefully twirled forks of spaghetti. They finally had to leave the restaurant after the waitress slipped Puck her number and mentioned her recent divorce, and Lauren growled at her.
They ended up at Lauren’s house, because she had a den in her basement and didn’t have overbearing parents.
“So how’s this going to work?” Tina asked, flopping back on the sectional. Mike snuggled in beside her. “Do we have to get them drunk or something?”
“I’m not entirely sure,” Lauren said contemplatively. She turned to Puck. “Cupcake, what do you think?”
Puck shrugged. He hadn’t actually given the actual act of making out much thought, having been pretty single-minded in his mission of achieving a make out partner. Usually things rolled pretty well on their own once everyone had agreed to action, though. “I’m good.”
Mike looked skeptical. “You aren’t going to get too handsy, are you? I only go so far on a first date.”
“I will respect you both now and in the morning,” Puck told him gallantly.
Tina snorted. “You don’t strike me as the gentlemanly sort.”
“And yet you’re turning your boyfriend over to me,” Puck said.
“I’ve got no worries,” Tina said confidently, moving in closer like she was trying to get up in his grill. “I’m way more awesome than your whore lips.”
Puck narrowed his eyes. “Is that a challenge?”
“This is kind of weirdly hot,” Lauren stage-whispered to Mike.
He nodded. “Tina turns into this awesome fierce warrior princess sometimes. It’s super.”
Tina did kind of look all riled up, like she’d been thinking a little too much about Puck and Mike and was maybe feeling some interesting feelings about the match, so Puck said, “Get over here, Mike Chang.”
As soon as Mike got within an arm’s length, Puck grabbed him by the cardigan and kissed him full on the mouth.
Puck kind of thought that kissing a dude would feel different than kissing a girl, like there would be some sort of warning buzzer going off in his head, but instead it just felt like kissing someone who wasn’t really kissing back.
He thought maybe being grabbed up and kissed was a little aggressive for a fellow football player, but after a second Mike’s shoulders loosened and he kissed back.
It was a little weird – Tina was close enough that he could almost feel her brushing against him, and he cracked his eyes open enough to see Lauren giving him a thumbs up – but it wasn’t as weird as he thought it would be. Mike was a decent kisser, and Puck relaxed his hold on Mike’s cardigan and leaned into it, figuring he may as well give the girls a show.
Mike pulled back and said, “Cool?”
Puck nodded.
Mike exchanged a look with Tina, and then he was in close and twisted or something and Puck was backing up, his knees were hitting the back of the couch and Mike was there and he didn’t actually kiss him until Puck was falling back into the seat. It was overwhelming and felt like Mike was everywhere and Puck had just enough brain function to think of how Mike danced and how this is how it translated to making out.
It made sense, he thought dimly, as he opened his mouth to let Mike’s tongue in. Mike danced with absolute confidence. Why wouldn’t he be as confident at other physical things?
It was easy to get lost in this, and for a while Puck didn’t think about much beyond the warmth and wetness of Mike’s mouth against his, and Mike’s hands on his sides, stroking up and down, and his own hands running across Mike’s torso, even though it gave him a weird jolt when he found only flat muscle where normally he found boobs.
When he remembered to look at the girls, they were both perched at the edge of the other side of the sectional, chins in their hands. Lauren was licking her lips, while Tina had a very interested expression on her face.
Mike leaned back and said, “Did that meet your approval?”
Puck, Tina and Lauren all agreed in unison.
Puck was man enough to admit that he was totally into kissing Mike some more, but unfortunately he got pushed to the back of the Mike Chang Kissing Line as Tina launched herself at him.
He raised an eyebrow at Lauren.
“Not bad, Puckerman,” she said. “Very enthusiastic.”
“Anything for my babe,” he said, and Lauren grinned and abandoned her spot on the couch to join him on his.
Puck set about to rocking Lauren’s world for a few minutes until he remembered what he wanted to ask her. “Hey, sugarlips?”
“Hmm?” Lauren said distractedly.
“Turnabout’s fair play,” Puck said, reaching over and nudging Tina.
Lauren and Tina looked at each other and both gave a dismissive shrug before leaning in and kissing. It wasn’t as soft and sweet as Puck had imagined it, but instead looked like they were challenging each other which, really, Puck had to admit was way hotter.
When they broke apart Puck said happily, “Tonight is awesome.”
“You’re welcome, twinkletoes,” Lauren said cheerfully.
“You know,” Puck said, “I’ve almost got a perfect record with the glee girls.”
“That is the worst line I’ve ever heard,” Tina said.
“I refuse to believe that,” Lauren said. “You dated Artie.”
Mike snorted loudly.
“Just sayin’,” Puck muttered.
“Oh, come here,” Tina said. She leaned over from where she was still partially straddling Mike’s lap, wrapped a hand around the back of Puck’s neck, and planted one on him.
Tina, it turned out, was just as awesome a kisser as Mike.
“No wonder you two are always sucking face,” Puck informed them when Tina pulled away. “You’re both awesome.”
Lauren smacked him.
“Ow!” Puck said, batting at her hand. “Jeez, you’re awesome too. Like I’d let you date me otherwise.”
“I let you date me,” Lauren reminded him.
Tina’s lips quirked. “Since we’re all so awesome at it, I think we should all make out for a while longer.”
“Seconded,” Mike said immediately.
Lauren shrugged in her usual ambivalent-looking way that Puck knew really meant she was super into the idea.
“Best date ever,” Puck said happily. If he worked this right, he could maybe end up with a four-way under his belt. That was, like, exponentially more awesome than a threesome.
*
The next day in glee club, Puck stood up and announced, “I’m a stud. In your faces, everyone who didn’t want to make out with me.”
He was a classy dude like that.