Chapter Text
He’s fully aware that it’s back. There’s no reason for it not to be, especially after all the repressing he’s been doing. He sees it in the corner of his vision, taunting him with that sneering face, those echoes of his thoughts he refuses to share, he sees it when the TV turns on late at night when he’s alone. Everybody else is dealing with their own problems just as normal-- but Yosuke thinks it’s all driving him mad. It’s all do schoolwork! Go into the TV to train! Get yelled at by family for being absent all day! Get yelled at in Junes in front of customers because you did something slightly wrong! Almost burst into tears because you can’t handle the criticism! He hates it.
And that’s not even what brought his Shadow back. It started trying to pry into him using those things, but it figured out exactly what part of him was yearning to be let out. Every day, he can feel his Shadow growing stronger again, like it’s going to burst out and attack everybody-- hurt everyone close to him, and he won’t be able to stop it. His Shadow is him, after all-- and it’s what Jiraiya started as. Without access to his Persona, he doesn’t know how much help he can really be-- he just considers himself lucky at this moment that Yu isn’t pulling them into the TV. As soon as he does, the charade will be up, and everyone will realize that Yosuke hasn’t accepted all the parts of himself he needed to.
Lucky for him, the rest of the Investigation Team are still in the “figuring it all out” phase. Just like him, they know someone’s gonna be taken soon-- he's sure about that-- they just don’t know who. If he can just face his Shadow before all of this, then nobody will realize anything was wrong! But-- how’s he meant to face his Shadow when he doesn’t have a Persona? He doubts it’ll just accept him saying “yeah, I know you’re me” and be done with it. None of the others have been like that-- and sure, maybe that’s because they didn’t know how to accept it, but maybe Yosuke doesn’t know if he can accept this part of himself. The speed at which rumours spread around Inaba doesn’t sit well in his stomach, and he knows the moment he has to admit it, it’ll cause more problems than it’ll fix. And after all, does the Investigation Team really need him? It’s not like he’s that special, and sure, maybe aside from Yu, he was the first to unleash his Persona (entirely thanks to Yu’s quick thinking, and Izanagi) but everyone else seems to have caught up just fine. Even Teddie has a Persona. What’s so special about him?
“Is that why you won’t say anything?” The taunting voice of his own Shadow whispers from the TV. “You’re not special to him. It doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll never be special to him.”
Yosuke doesn’t give it an answer, instead rolling over in bed and facing away from the TV. Teddie’s in the Midnight Channel tonight-- and for one of the first times, Yosuke kind of wishes he wasn’t. As annoying as he thinks he is, at least Teddie’s company. Any company would be enough to keep his Shadow away.
“They’re gonna leave you behind. I mean, after all, they’re all that ties you to this shithole. They know that.” His Shadow sneers. “They know if they leave you behind, you disappear. Gone! No more annoying Yosuke!”
“Where does that get them, then?” Yosuke mumbles. He knows he shouldn’t argue with his Shadow-- it’s part of him, and he knows he feels that way, deep down-- but the want to argue outweighs his self preservation. He has to act like he’s still the guy that nothing gets to, even though he knows he’s cracking under the pressure. “They’re down a team member. That can’t help them.”
“You’re already useless without Jiraiya. You thought your Persona would be the one way you could get away from this stupid shithole town. Your one chance to become yourself. And you’ve let it go.”
“Didn’t let it go. It… wriggled out of my hands, damn it.” Yosuke rolls over again, this time facing the TV. “You’re a real dickhead.”
“Coming from me .” His Shadow rolls his eyes. “You really think he’s gonna be impressed? Losing Jiraiya? Who’s gonna help you when they leave you behind? Once all this is over, they’ll breeze out of Inaba, leaving you to rot! ”
“ They won’t leave me behind! ” Yosuke yells far louder than he intends to, and he winces as he hears someone else move in the house. He needs to get out of here.
After a halfhearted thought to leap into the TV-- Oh yeah, because I don’t have Jiraiya, I can’t -- Yosuke aims for one of his windows, quickly undoing the latch and climbing out. When his feet hit concrete, he realizes he doesn’t even have his shoes-- but he quickly comes to terms with it, bolting out into the streets of Inaba. Yeah, maybe it’s going to be dangerous, especially with a killer on the loose, and without shoes, or even his Persona, but he knows somewhere he can go, right?
Uh-- Chie’s house? Yu would be asleep-- don’t feel like Kanji likes me-- He has a key to Junes, but he doesn’t think it’d be worth even trying to go in there. All those TVs in the electrical section, and with no way to contact Teddie while he’s inside the Midnight Channel, he’d just be haunted worse and worse by his Shadow. Plus, he doesn’t want his father to find him unconscious somewhere in the store in the morning. That’d be a deathwish. Where the hell could I--
Yukiko’s family owns an inn, don’t they? Yosuke doesn’t have long to decide as he feels a raindrop hit his shirt-- shit, it’s raining too? This is just great -- and he bolts down streets, trying to make his way to where he knows the inn to be. Sure, it’s late-- coming up towards eleven at night, he thinks; that’s where it was when he last checked his phone-- and he’s out of breath by the time he reaches the inn, almost soaked to the bone. When he pushes the door open, panting harshly, he’s sure he’s given whoever’s behind the registration desk a hell of a scare. Yosuke’s still catching his breath as he stumbles over, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. He’s sure if he does, he’d die of embarrassment.
“I need-- need to speak to-- to Yukiko…” He pants out, and he’s certain he blacks out for a few moments, as when he blinks again, Yukiko is stood next to him.
“Oh dear-- Yosuke! You look like you were left out in the rain.” She looks as if she’s trying to put an arm around him to comfort him, but she seems unsure if she wants to get her clothes wet. “Why come out here--?”
“I need… somewhere to stay… for the night.” He’s still not looking up-- he can just recognise her voice, and her clothes. He just hopes she hasn’t noticed exactly how bad he looks right now. He doesn’t like worrying his friends-- but this is proof enough that they won’t leave him behind right? He’s not annoying them-- he’s… is he annoying them?
Yukiko doesn’t ask any more questions in the lobby, quietly leading Yosuke to a room and sitting him down. When he’s sat, and has caught his breath, he finally looks at Yukiko-- she can tell something’s wrong, of course, but he doesn’t know if she’s going to ask.
“Is this alright?”
Yosuke forces out a weird laugh. “I have a roof over my head and I’m out of the rain. It’s perfect.”
Yukiko seems to raise her eyebrows, a little confused at his laugh, but she nods. “If that’s the case, then the next question is…”
Here it comes.
“Are you alright? The receptionist thought you were some kind of ghost-- bursting through the doors in the rain.” There’s genuine worry to her tone. “I didn’t want to make a scene of you in the lobby…”
“Thanks-- um. Yeah. I’m alright.” That’s too obvious of a lie. “Just… got caught out in the rain and confused about where I was.”
She knows that's a lie. Yosuke’s been in Inaba for almost a year, he knows his way around-- and being caught out without shoes? It’s something more than he’s explaining, but she’s not going to press him for details. “You don’t have to worry about paying-- I can handle this for you. You just look like you need some rest.”
Yosuke nods. “Uh… thanks, Yukiko. Means a lot.”
She smiles gently, and Yosuke forces out a pained smile of his own.
“I’ll wake you up in the morning so you don’t miss school-- we’ll handle finding you some shoes that will fit.”
She noticed the shoes, huh?
“Thanks again.”
“It’s no problem. Now, get some rest. I’ll text Chie about where you are--”
“Why Chie?”
“She’s likely to be awake longer than the rest of us, and she’s good at informing everyone of what’s going on. By morning, the rest of the Investigation Team will know you’re here, which is good.” Yukiko seems to smile to herself, now. “Having a good idea of where everyone is means we can get together easier. Do you think you’ll need to stay here tomorrow night, too?”
“I… couldn’t say for sure. Probably not.” Yosuke knows that Yukiko’s figured something out-- but it’s not like anyone but Teddie knows about how his family treats him. “I’ll be alright, like I said. Just got lost.” She won’t figure it all out, he’s sure.
“If you’re sure. I’ll leave you to rest.”
When Yukiko leaves, Yosuke sits in the silence. The dark feels like it's pulsing around him, and he can barely pick up a conversation being had somewhere else in the inn-- Yukiko telling someone that he’s not her boyfriend, he’s a friend from school-- before all of his thoughts are drowned out by a stinging pain in one of his feet. After limping to the lightswitch, he turns it on, trying to find the source of the pain.
A cut on the sole of his foot, obviously gained from his sprint through Inaba. It’s not like he carries anything medicinal on him-- Yu carries all that stuff-- and since he doesn’t have Jiraiya, he can’t even heal himself using its power… so he’s stuck hobbling his way to the small bathroom joined to his room, considering that it’s only his good luck that he can lift his leg high enough to put it in the sink and wash it clean with warm water. It stings worse, and somehow, he wonders where it could have happened. Did he step on something the moment he came out of his house, but ignored it in his rush? Had he stepped hard onto a shard of glass somewhere along the way? Had his foot just ripped open from the sheer force of his steps? There’s no way to tell, and he avoids making eye contact with himself in the mirror above the sink.
The slight pink tinge to the towel he dries himself off on makes him wince. He’s hastily attempted to dry the rest of his body off on a different towel, and he fails to avoid looking at himself for a split second, and he shakes his head rapidly to try and forget what he’s looking at. He’s looking at a coward, a coward who couldn’t keep his own Shadow in check, who can’t find the courage to be anything more than what he is now.
Once he’s back out of the bathroom, the towel from before wrapped tightly around his foot, he struggles his way out of his wet clothes, pausing only once his shirt is off. He’s seriously unsure if he’s going to take his binder off-- he was wearing it in bed earlier, but after running the whole way here, he still doesn’t feel as if he’s fully caught his breath. With a grunt of strain, he pulls his too-small binder off of himself, gasping the moment he can breathe fully again.
“Look at you. You think he’s gonna care about you the moment he knows you look like this under all your stupid facades?” The voice of his Shadow comes from the dimly lit TV in the corner. “You’re not a real guy. Why else do you think everyone picks on you? Why are you so focused on performing that hypermasculine fantasy? You want to be accepted so bad, you’ll make fun of anyone-- and when they do the same back, you start crying! ”
"Shut up! " Yosuke yells into the silent room, and he pauses, listening out for any sign of movement somewhere else in the building. He knows he doesn't need to worry as much here, but the fear invades all aspects of his life. The only time he's not afraid is when his friends are with him. "Leave me alone!"
"What, so you can wallow in self pity? Nobody's gonna come save you this time. Oh boohoo, my partner's nowhere near me and I want to cuddle him and calm down! What a joke! " His Shadow hisses, and Yosuke flinches away from the noise. It's drilling into his head like raw static. "You're so pitiful, it makes you look stupid! " Shadow Yosuke sneers, now. "If ooonly I lived somewhere that wasn't Inaba, if ooooonly I could say something that wouldn't be passed around as a rumour-- you're worse than pathetic. You're a stupid little pathetic coward , and you know it, don't you? After all… I'm you, and I know how you feel."
Yosuke pulls his phone out of the wet pocket of his jacket, squinting down at the lit screen. He has a text from Chie-- something to keep his mind off of his Shadow.
<2Trial2Dragon>: hy junes boy hrd ur at yuki's inn
Yukiko was right, then. She is still awake.
<Funny froggy>: Yeah why whats up
<2Trial2Dragon>:
sheeeeeee told me u had no shoes on
<2Trial2Dragon>:
i dont wanna pry buuuuuuuuut
<2Trial2Dragon>:
did u run away from home???
<Funny froggy>:
Not like intentsuonally
<Funny froggy>:
It just kind of happend
<2Trial2Dragon>: and u didnt tell yukiko????? who knows u ran????
<Funny froggy>: Only you so shut your trap about it okay?
<2Trial2Dragon>: geez alright trust u to get angry when im worried
<Funny froggy>:
If this is you worried tgen i dont wanna see you angey about it
<Funny froggy>:
Dunno why your botherning thoujh
<Funny froggy>:
Yukiko said i said i was fine rightt???
<Funny froggy>:
Cause i did and i am. ill b in school tomorrow dont even worry
<2Trial2Dragon>:
oookay, whatever you say!
<2Trial2Dragon>:
see u tomorrow then hope ur ready 2 watch the midnight channel 2morro.
<2Trial2Dragon>:
no running away
<2Trial2Dragon>:
will txt and remind u
<Funny froggy>:
Yh sure thing ill watch it no problrm
<Funny froggy>:
Night chie
<2Trial2Dragon>: yhyh!! gn yosukeeeee
He stares blankly at the screen for a little while. His Shadow is clearly gone by now, and instead, he lies down on the bed, eyes wide and uncertain as he tries to figure out his position in the Investigation Team. Sure, he's a cofounder alongside Yu and Chie, but again, is he necessary? Do they need him? If the next person they save joins their team, then Yosuke's spot won't even be missed! Everything will work out okay!
…Right?