Work Text:
1. Throw him off a bridge
Chance of success : Not likely
Times repeated : 3
Haru-o-meter : 40%
Additional comments : Gets really angry. Have to say sorry with food.
In hindsight, maybe Daisuke shouldn’t have done that.
He watched as the taupe haired inspector fell from the bridge, yelling his name along with a plethora of colourful words following right after, before a loud splash was heard.
Daisuke smiled as he waited 1, 2 minutes for Haru’s head to bob towards the surface, sputtering in anger as he glared up at the smirking millionaire, shoving his middle finger high up towards him as he continued screaming his name.
“KAMBE DAISUKE, YOU STUPID BASTARD IDIOT! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!” Haru yelled with all his might, not caring if the whole of America could hear him. The older man had a little satisfaction in seeing the way Daisuke winced slightly from the loud screaming, since HEUSC had helpfully transmitted the screaming from his earring to the one in Daisuke’s ear.
“Now, inspector, that’s a little harsh, isn’t it? It was... a joke of sorts. For old time’s sake,” Daisuke said smoothly as he began his slow descent towards the river bank, smirking when he saw -or rather heard- Haru’s muttering while the man swam towards the shallow surface.
“I swear to god, one day I’ll make you fall off a bridge, you bastard,” Haru grumbled, complaining loudly when he saw the murky water stain his clothes a greyish hue.
Daisuke simply said nothing as he reached the riverbank, tilting his head slightly in amusement as he watched Haru reach closer and closer, until his hands touched land and he lifted himself from the water.
Haru laid himself on the concrete, not caring if it was dirty while he took in deep, ragged breaths, clothes soaking wet and sticking to his skin. Daisuke loomed over him as he knelt down, smirking down at the frowning inspector.
“I hate you so much, you know that?”
“Ah, but inspector, hate me after the night ends. We have dinner reservations.”
“WHY WOULD YOU THINK I’D EVER GO EAT DINNER AFTER THIS, YOU ABSOLUTE PRICK?!”
2. Spend alone time with him
Chance of success : Moderately high
Times repeated : 5
Haru-o-meter : 60%
Additional comments : He will get suspicious if done too often. Have to space out the days.
“Kamei, Saeki. No.”
“Kamei, Saeki. Yes.”
Haru let out a long weary sigh, as if he was the tired father of two children. Nevermind the two children in question are his co-workers. And one of them was older than him.
“Look. I get it. You want to hang with your weirdo friends, or whatever the hell Kamei does in his spare time,” Haru started, silencing Kamei’s indignant noise at the insult with a glare.
“But you can’t just not do work and expect someone else to do it for you,” Haru continued, hands on his hips as he tapped his feet impatiently, shaking his head in disappointment.
“But Katou-chan! This is the first time Atsuko will perform after 5 years of hiatus! And she’ll even bring out her most popular hits! She’ll perform Candy Pop, Katou-chan, Candy frickin’ Pop! ” Saeki protested, grabbing Haru by the shoulders aggressively as if she could somehow shake some empathy into the man.
“Haru, are you going to be in my way of pursuing hot women at the concert? If I don’t go, and god has sealed my fate that I will find a girlfriend at this concert, it’s on you !” Kamei said dramatically, pretending to faint in Teppei’s unimpressed arms, who shoved him off the floor like he was a particularly large pest.
“But Kambe-san sai-” Saeki started, only to immediately shut up when Daisuke shot daggers at her through his eyes, warning her to stay quiet.
“Saeki, you’re not supposed to say tha-” Kamei scolded, before laughing nervously when Daisuke turned his glare towards him, blue eyes threatening them to speak further.
“Kambe. What did you do.” Haru turned towards him, glaring at the millionaire who quickly schooled his expression to one of forced casualness, trying not to appear as if he hadn’t just sent death glares at his co-workers.
“Nothing. I don’t know what they are talking about,” Daisuke lied through his teeth. You know, like a liar.
“Don’t ‘nothing’ me, you bastard! Clearly you said something to them!” Haru yelled, focusing his anger towards the younger man.
Saeki and Kamei only had a few seconds of relief, their shoulders slumping only to flinch when Haru whipped around, glaring at them as if to say ‘this isn’t over yet.’
“I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about, inspector. I believe you’re creating a big issue out of nothing,” Daisuke said, trying to bite back a smile from appearing on his face when he sees the way Haru bristles like an angry cat.
“You did something. I don’t know what it is, but it involves Saeki and Kamei,” Haru rebutted, crossing his arms across his chest, not realising that his two co-workers quietly left the scene, shooting finger guns at the millionaire discreetly as they scurried away, not wanting Haru to realise.
Teppei and Kiyomizu silently took their leave as well, nodding knowingly at Daisuke before heading towards the door, conversing amongst themselves on whether to go for a beer or not.
“Inspector, I know you have some suspicions about me, but I assure you, I have nothing to do with either of them,” Daisuke insisted, pretending to read through a case file.
“Then what was all that about Saek- wait, those little shits left!” Haru yelled, groaning loudly as he shook his head, giving up.
“It seems like they did. Pity.” Daisuke supplies unhelpfully, making Haru squint his eyes in suspicion towards the millionaire.
“Now Inspector, I was looking over these files. You made a minor mistake,” Daisuke changed the subject smoothly, subtly placing a hand on the small of Haru’s back in hopes to divert his attention.
“What? If anything, you’re a minor mistake,” Haru grumbled, grabbing the file anyways as he read through the paragraph.
Only for him to realise everything was wrong.
Haru scanned through the paragraphs in disbelief, gaping. He could’ve sworn he made sure everything was right before this, so why is everything jumbled up?
“Man, that means I can’t go home on time, then,” Haru sighed, slumping back on his desk, glumly staring at his computer screen.
Daisuke internally pumped his fist, excited his plan was working. He showed no indication of his happiness however, as he took his seat next to the older man.
“I can help you with that. I can have HEUSC correct them for you,” Daisuke offered, seeing Haru’s tired gaze shift towards him.
Surprisingly, the taupe haired man seems to give it some thought, a contrast from how he usually rejects Daisuke’s help. He pouts his lip as he carefully weighs the pros and cons.
Well. There weren’t many cons. It had been a long day, and Haru wanted nothing but to head home, have a nice dinner and go to bed. He sighs once more, handing over the file to Daisuke’s hands who took it gleefully, pleasantly surprised that Haru wasn’t defying him for once.
“Fine. You win this time,” Haru mumbled, rolling his eyes as he watched the younger man quickly pull out his sunglasses to correct the mistakes. Not even a few minutes after, HEUSC was done with the corrections, efficiently cutting down the workload.
“We still have Kamei’s work, though..” Haru trailed off, mentally cursing the tall blonde in his head. He was tired, dammit.
“No worries. HEUSC can have them done in no time.” Daisuke assured, already putting the glasses back on.
Before Haru could say anything, HEUSC already started the work, going at maximum capacity, making Haru blink in surprise.
“Well, it’s getting late, Inspector. Would you like to have dinner afterwards?” Daisuke asked, keeping his face carefully nonchalant, though the vice-like grip he had on his thigh said otherwise.
“I’m not hungry,” Haru said petulantly, only to flush in embarrassment when his tummy rumbled loudly in betrayal. Haru glared down at his own body before looking at Daisuke, who was fighting to keep a straight face.
“Fine. Nowhere expensive, you hear me?” Haru threatened, another growl from his stomach interrupting unceremoniously.
“Of course. It can even be your choice.” Daisuke said as HEUSC alerted him that the files were done, and everything was completed.
“Now, come along Inspector. We must attend to your poor, growling stomach.”
“I said I’m not that hungry!”
Cue another loud growl.
“Stop smirking at me, you bastard!”
3. Buy his favourite sweets
Chance of success : High
Times repeated : 7
Haru-o-meter : 75%
Additional comments : Need to give sweets in a subtle manner. Will refuse if you give them immediately.
“Kambe-kun, would you like to try these gummies? They’re new!” Saeki asked the millionaire, shaking the small bag of sweets towards him.
He gingerly took one out of the bag, fishing out a cat shaped gummy. He brought it up to the light, scrutinising it like it was an ancient artefact instead of, you know, a gummy.
The millionaire popped it into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully as the sweet taste bursted in his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Saeki anticipating his reaction, eyes practically sparking as she looked at the younger man.
“It’s good. Reminds me of the fish shaped ones you brought last week.” Daisuke said, taking another one as he munched away, a small twinkle appearing in his eyes.
“Saeki, I want some too!” Kamei complained, coming to stand in between his coworkers, hands on his hips.
“No, you already had your share! I promised Katou-chan to save some for him,” Saeki protested, putting the bag of sweets out of reach so the blond man couldn’t get to it.
Just as the pink haired woman moved it away from Kamei, Teppei walked in, whistling when he saw the bag of sweets. He swiftly grabbed the bag from the shorter woman, thanking her before he opened his mouth wide, shaking the bag of gummies into his mouth.
Almost immediately, all hell broke loose.
“Teppei, you absolute meanie ! That was for Haru!” Saeki wailed, looking forlornly at the now empty bag of sweets as the older man munched away, oblivious.
“Dude, you could’ve saved some for me! What happened to the bro code?” Kamei complained, frowning in disappointment at Teppei, who blinked in confusion.
To make matters worse, the door swung open, revealing a yawning Haru, who was rubbing the sleepy away from his eyes. The office was silent as Haru dragged his feet towards his table, mumbling a greeting as he slouched against his seat, cheek resting on the table surface.
“Good morning to you too, Katou. Looking as lively as ever,” Daisuke said dryly, not surprised when Haru flipped his middle finger at him, too tired to come up with a witty comeback.
“Hey, Katou-san. You look like shit,” Kamei butted in unhelpfully, only to whine loudly when Saeki socked him in the arm, hard.
Haru grumbled something intelligible, a pinched frown on his sleepy face as he blinked slowly, still sleepy after pulling an all nighter.
“Saeki...didn’t you say you have sweets? Maybe that’ll wake me up,” Haru asked, a hopeful glint in his eyes as he stared up at the older woman, who began to falter under his gaze.
“I-um. Ah. I ran out of them. I’m sorry, Haru,” Saeki said miserably, eyes shining with guilt when she saw the way Haru deflated, probably a little upset.
“Ah...it’s okay then,” Haru mumbled, a pout on his lips as he sighed, stretching once before booting his computer up.
Saeki opened her mouth to say something, only to shut it back when she didn’t know what to say. She glared petulantly at Teppei one more time, who at least had the decency to look sheepish.
The day went on without much disruption, the MCPTF division filing away work ( mostly Haru and Daisuke) as they took breaks in between ( mostly Kamei and Saeki). Haru, now a little more alive with his daily dose of caffeine, typed away on the keyboard, the clacking sound loud as his fingers flew on the keys, eyes darting quickly.
“I’ll be taking my break now,” Daisuke said suddenly, standing up as he excused himself, walking out of the office.
Haru paid him no mind, sipping on his milk coffee while he had gaze glued to the screen, tired eyes reading the lines over and over again.
Not even half an hour later, Daisuke walked back in, holding a small box in his hands. Kamei, being Kamei, took no time in hounding the millionaire about it.
“Ooh, whatcha got there, Kambe-san? A gift from a pretty lady?” Kamei teased, slinging an arm around the shorter man as he curiously peeked at the box.
Haru’s ears perked at that as he eyed the two out of the corner of his eye, feeling his heart squeeze painfully. ‘Kambe has a girlfriend?’ Haru said internally, feeling his mood go sour all of the sudden. ‘Why am I even sad about it? We aren’t even together!’ Haru berated himself, appalled at his own thoughts.
(Haru decidedly ignores the small voice that repeatedly whispered ‘but you want to.’ )
So wrapped up in his own thoughts, Haru didn’t register Daisuke setting the box by his desk, only to flinch when Daisuke tapped him on the shoulder.
“Would you like some sweets?” The Kambe scion asked, opening the box to reveal rows of delicious looking treats, all colourful and attractive as Haru’s eyes widened with delight, only for him to pout.
“No thanks. They’re for you,anyways,” Haru huffed, turning away from the tantalising box as he frowned at his computer screen.
Daisuke narrowed his eyes slightly. Plan B it is then.
“I surely can’t finish all of this by myself. It would only be courteous of me to share with my colleagues,” Daisuke rebutted, pushing the box towards the older man. He knew if he said outright that the sweets were for him, Haru would have rejected it immediately.
“Ask Saeki, then. She likes sweets more than I do,” Haru protested, even if his eyes were sparkling as he looked at the increasingly more delicious looking confectionery, already picking which one he deemed the most tasty by the look.
“But Inspector, surely you would want to try these. Some are exactly like the ones you enjoy eating, the fruit flavoured ones,” Daisuke insisted, practically pushing the box into Haru’s face.
“Ugh, I don’t wanna! Why are you being so pushy anyways?” Haru grumbled, turning his nose away haughtily, not backing down from his previous stance.
“You should at least try one. If you don’t like it, I won’t bother you anymore,” Daisuke bribed, seeing the way Haru tilted his head cutely at him.
The taupe haired inspector seemed to think about it for a while, before grumbling under his breath about something that suspiciously sounded to be about spoiled rich brats.
He gingerly plucked the one he had been eyeing the whole time, a pink and purple blend of colours shaped into a cute lollipop. Haru unwrapped it and gave it a tentative lick, only for his eyes to widen with delight at how right he was. It was very delicious.
Daisuke watched as Haru closed his eyes in pure bliss, tongue licking at the lollipop cutely. The younger man fought to keep a blush from creeping up at his neck as his mind treaded to more explicit situations including Haru’s tongue and licking.
“I like this one. Tastes nice,” Haru said after a while, the whole lollipop in his mouth as he sucked on it happily.
When no acknowledgement from Daisuke appeared, the taupe haired inspector looked towards him, eyes curious as he watched Daisuke’s ears turn red slightly.
“Oi, Kambe. Are you okay?” Haru asked, looking up at the younger man from his seat, who seemed oddly fixated on his.. chin? Is there something on his chin?
Daisuke shook himself out of his distracted gaze, clearing his throat awkwardly, willing himself not to blush any further when he saw Haru’s big doe eyes staring at him from below.
“I’m alright. I’m glad you like it. You can keep the whole box.” Daisuke said curtly, cursing under his breath when he saw Haru suck on the lollipop harder, eyes all round and curious.
“Wha- I can’t possibly keep thi- Kambe, where are you going?!” Haru yelled in disbelief as the younger man practically dashed out of the office, heading to who knows where.
“Man, I don’t blame the guy. Katou-san, you’re killing him,” Kamei said sympathetically, putting a hand on Haru’s shoulder.
“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything!” Haru protested, lips shiny from the candy he had been sucking on.
“Exactly my point. Now Katou-san, when Kambe comes back, make sure to show him how much you appreciate the candy, okay?”
“I’ll say thank you, I guess…”
“I mean this with so much respect, and I love you, man. But goddamnit, why are you so stupid ?”
4. Show him your pet
Chance of success : Very High
Times repeated : More times than it should be. Amount of times is decided by Ruby the Cat, not Daisuke.
Haru-o-meter : 90%
Additional comments : Don’t show him too much cat. He will then forget you exist and now you have to fight for his attention.
“I don’t see why I have to go to your place to discuss this. We could’ve literally just done it at work,” Haru grumbled as Daisuke opened the car door for him, stepping out as he looked at the millionaire.
“Weren’t you the one bugging me incessantly about how important this case was? I think it’s only fair that I do it in the comfort of my home,” Daisuke shot back, ignoring Haru’s string of complaints and colourful curses as the doors swung open.
“Yeah, but we could’ve literally just- oh my god, such a cute cat!” Haru cut himself, cooing loudly when he spotted a white cat splayed out on the floor, it’s eyes curiously studying the newcomer.
Daisuke watched in disbelief as Haru’s annoyed expression melted into a happy one when the older man crouched on his knees, slowly coming closer to the cat who was looking at him, meowing softly.
“Hello, kitty. Oh, you’re so cute,” Haru cooed, gently placing his hand near the cat’s nose, letting it sniff the inspector’s hands before purring, nuzzling it’s head gently against Haru’s hands as the man began to pat it gently.
‘What the hell,’ Daisuke said internally, incredulous at the situation he was witnessing. His cat, Ruby was never this affectionate to Daisuke, and he’s had her for over 5 years! And here comes Katou, who she has never met, and now he gets to pat her without a growl or scratch?
Haru was grinning at the cat, laughing when the feline jumped into his arms, wanting to be picked up. The older man stood up straight with Ruby in his arms, gently petting her soft ears.
“Kambe, you didn’t tell me you had a cat! What’s her name?” Haru asked excitedly, which made Daisuke blink in surprise.
Haru had turned a complete 180, looking a lot less tired and much brighter as he cradled the cat close to his chest like she was a baby. He had a big grin on his face when Ruby nuzzled her head close, clearly comfortable in the tall man’s arms.
“Her name is Ruby. It’s a little surprising to see her be so..welcoming to newcomers,” Daisuke replied to the older man’s question. As if understanding, the cat looked at her actual owner, meowing defiantly before looking away.
Honestly, the audacity of this cat.
“She’s so friendly, aren’t you, baby?” Haru defended her, rubbing between her little ears lightly.
Daisuke furrowed his eyebrows. How is it that Haru, who was so grumpy and snappy, was incredibly gentle with animals? He watched as Haru continued petting the cat, using what could only be described as a baby voice as he fawned over her, calling her little pet names.
“Inspector, I believe I brought you over to discuss the case,” Daisuke said petulantly, glaring at Ruby, to which the feline meowed in disdain.
Haru seemed to perk up at that, as if he just remembered what was his initial purpose. He nodded earnestly, still holding the cat as they walked towards the living room.
The two inspectors sat down across from each other. Haru gently placed the cat on the floor, giving her one last pat on her furry head as he grabbed the file, only to let out a surprised sound when Ruby immediately jumped back on his lap, kneading his thigh with her paws as she made herself home, nuzzling close into Haru’s jacket.
“Awww, she likes me!” Haru cooed, stroking the cat gently, a soft smile on his face as the cat purred at him, meowing in happiness when he scratched behind her ears.
Daisuke had to stop from making his eye twitch.
Over the span of the next couple of hours, Daisuke became witness to Haru’s baby talk, bright smiles and cute laughs. However, he would’ve enjoyed it so much more if it was directed to him , instead of his newfound rival.
Forget Hoshino or Moriyama, Ruby the cat is a much bigger threat.
The feline menace got Katou Haru, of all people, to baby talk her as if she was a real child.
“Ruby-chan, why are you so cute~”
“Awww, are you tired, baby? C’mere, I’ll cuddle yo- Kambe, look! She’s cuddling me!”
“You’re such a pretty kitty, you’re so cute, I wanna keep you in my pocket!”
Seriously, Daisuke would rather eat a sock than to hear Haru gushing about someone -or something- that wasn’t him.
“Inspector, it’s getting late. Shall I see you home?” Daisuke said, once they were finished with their files, which took longer than expected thanks to a certain cat.
Right away, Daisuke was subjected to two eerily similar stares.
Haru looked at him sadly, a pout on his lips as he snuggled Ruby close to his chest, unwilling to let her go anytime soon. The cat seemed to share the same sentiments, as she meowed dramatically, big feline eyes staring at her owner.
“Can’t I stay for a little while? Please? It’s just that your cat is so cute,” Haru begged, which surprised Daisuke. Did the cat really impact him that much until the Inspector was willing to stay in the mansion out of his own accord?
“Yes, I suppose you can,” Daisuke blurted out, filter broken as he saw how cute Haru looked, pleading with him with his wide doe eyes.
Haru ends up staying the night.
Daisuke, once again, had to suffer through the night while watching Haru fawn over Ruby, snuggling her close even when the millionaire invited the older man to watch a movie together. When the Kambe scion attempted to put his arm around Haru’s shoulder, Ruby meowed in disagreement, making sure Haru’s hands were occupied with rubbing her soft fur.
As they ate dinner, Ruby made sure to distract Haru the whole time, nuzzling against his leg and plopping into his lap, making the man giggle as he kept her close. Daisuke had to stop himself from dumping the cat into an empty room.
At one point, Haru excused himself to go to the bathroom, leaving the cat and her owner to themselves. Almost immediately, Daisuke turned towards Ruby, glaring at her as she regarded him boredly.
“Listen here. Stop hogging Katou all to yourself, or I will let Suzue dress you up in her weird doll clothes,” Daisuke whispered harshly, pointing at the cat.
Ruby hissed at the man, as if understanding his threat. When the millionaire tried to pet her head, probably as a sign of mutual agreement, the cat nipped at his skin, making Daisuke curse out loud.
“Kambe? What’s wrong?” Haru walked in, concerned when he heard the younger man swearing loudly.
“Nothing, Ruby just bit me,” Daisuke said, gritting his teeth as the cat had the gall to look innocent, purring for Haru to come closer.
Haru brought Daisuke’s hand closer to him, inspecting the small bite. Daisuke relished the skin to skin contact he had with Haru, the warm skin a pleasant feeling to his own cool hands.
“Ah, it’s only a little bite. I’m sure she didn’t mean it,” Haru cooed sympathetically, looking over at the cat, who had instantly reverted into her cute mode, making Daisuke narrow his eyes at her.
He didn’t complain, however. Haru was still tending to him so carefully, so he guessed the cat was good for something after all.
“Kambe, you know you can let go of my hand now, right?”
“No. I’m injured and you’ll just pet Ruby.”
“Am I hearing that Kambe Daisuke gets jealous over a cat?”
“Not jealous. Just claiming what’s mine.”
“Why don’t you claim me properly, then?”
Ruby scratched at the door petulantly as Haru gently set her outside of the room.
“NSFC. Not safe for cats,” Haru explained, when Ruby gave him a pitiful meow.
(Neither of them woke up early the next day.)
5. Shut him up
Chance of success : Depends
Times repeated : Too many times
Haru-o-meter : 100%
Additional comments : Give him some honey and tea afterwards. Preferable if done before work.
“Wow, Katou. Rough night?” Kamei joked when he saw Haru walk in the office, massaging his throat lightly as he came right on time, which was uncommon considering Haru always arrived at least an hour earlier.
Haru simply glared at the blonde man, and diverted his glare towards the smug millionaire that was right behind him.
Said smug millionaire merely smirked at him.
“Inspector Katou has a sore throat, so please refrain from talking much to him. There’s always pen and paper to have conversations,” Daisuke announced, winking subtly at the man in question as Haru flushed red, hiding his face.
“A sore throat? Katou-chan, I thought I told you to take care of yourself!” Saeki scolded the younger man, fretting over him as she rushed to prepare some hot honey lemon tea.
Haru opened his mouth to defend himself, only for a sad, hoarse sound to come out of his mouth, making him shut it back in defeat. Daisuke watched as Haru ripped a piece of paper from his notepad, jotting down something furiously before shoving it to Daisuke’s chest.
I fucking hate u so much
Daisuke couldn’t help the short laugh he let out, truly amused with his boyfriend. He came closer to Haru, beckoning the older man to lean his head closer as he whispered something in his ear.
“That’s not what you said when I was calling you a good boy last night, Haru .” The man in question backed away, a red flush flooding his cheeks as he glared petulantly at Daisuke, before scribbling something down on the paper.
You ass, I told you to not mention it in public
“Where’s the fun in following the rules, Inspector?” Daisuke said, loudly this time, making everyone swivel their heads towards them curiously.
Haru glared at him, panic in his eyes as he demanded Daisuke to zip it. With Haru’s flailing movements and actions, Daisuke’s eyes zeroed in one Haru’s neck, where the splatter of dark red marks against pale skin called out to him, reminding him of the night they shared.
Unfortunately, Kamei saw it too.
He whistled loudly, capturing Haru’s attention. The blond man sauntered over to Haru, coming up behind his chair.
“Katou-san, you sure had a rough night, huh? Must’ve contributed to you having a sore throat,” Kamei teased playfully, cackling when Haru bared his teeth at him, like a feral puppy.
Daisuke smiled at that, winking at Haru who was rapidly turning into a human tomato. He shoved Kamei away, glaring at the still laughing man before scowling at Daisuke, sticking his tongue out in a childish manner.
The two settled back into starting their work, and Daisuke tried not to blush this time when he felt Haru’s fingers shyly grab his own gloved ones to intertwine with one another under the desk, away from prying eyes.
Out of the corner of his eye, Daisuke watched as Haru scribbled something in his notepad yet again, before shoving it at him.
do u want to come over
tick here for yes
tick here for yes
Daisuke could barely contain himself from pouncing on Haru right there and then and kissing him silly.