Work Text:
i’ll call out a name:
rashamoun was pricking at his back. he knew. he knew he needed to take a deep breath, he knew he should get a glass of water, he knew he should have taken his pills that night, he knew he should have woken atsushi up when he felt the first signs of the attack coming.
he knew. but he couldn’t.
he knew he didn’t deserve any of this. he didn’t deserve to be here, in this comfort, in this bed, with his lover, whom of which he felt the least worthy of. he didn’t deserve to be here, wallowing in comfort while the sins he has committed stay dead in the night, affecting others but leaving him unharmed, physically.
once mentally as well.
he didn’t deserve the light that had shown its way into his life, the ray of light in the form of nakajima atsushi. he didn’t deserve redemption, he didn’t deserve praise or validation or atonement. he didn’t deserve the feelings, the home, the promise to forever.
he didn’t deserve to feel good , not after all the bad that encompasses him.
a slight shaking.
he didn’t deserve happiness. he didn’t deserve warmth.
a rousing voice.
no, he didn’t deserve anything at all. he was immersed into a tainted life, why did he think he could leave?
an urgent fever.
he had no meaning. he had-
a name.
“ryuunosuke!”
a jolt and he was staring into the lily eyes of his partner.
atsushi’s eyes flickered between akutagawa’s own pair, demanding for a physical response. upon seeing his pupils dilate, atsushi let out a heavy breath.
“you forgot to take your pills, didn’t you.” there was no room for question. rubbing his thumbs along akutagawa’s cheekbones, atsushi gave a reassuring smile, and all akutagawa knew was that he was stupid.
he was stupid for thinking that he didn’t deserve his love. because atsushi chose him. after everything, he was the one chosen.
akutagawa was finally someone’s priority.
so ryuunosuke sighs. because he’s stupid for thinking those thoughts.
snuggling his head into atsushi’s chest, he takes a deep breath and rashamouns prickling releases.
akutagawa knew he had atsushi, and he was content with that.
your name,
so you can remain who you are.
-
i’ll call out a name:
again and again, he stares at the same scene.
again and again, he feels the stinging all over his body.
again and again, he's groveling on the ground, begging for forgiveness for a sin he has no knowledge of committing.
had no knowledge of committing.
he’s aware now, of his crimes.
he’s aware now, that he’s a threat.
he’s aware now, that just because he is quote on quote “redeemed”, nothing has actually changed.
he’s still useless, he’s still naive,
he’s still a murderer .
“jinko.”
he’s accepted beast beneath the moonlight, and with the acceptance came the ever so present hate.
“jinko.” a ruffle.
he will never fully love himself, because while people say he’s changed, he knows himself.
he couldn’t save himself, why would he attempt to save kyouka? why would he project onto kyouka, redeem himself through her, when he himself couldn’t?
why was he-
“atsushi!”
a jolt and atsushi felt cold hands gripping his face.
the ends of white hair trickled his face, and the constraining tension his body was chained in released.
blinking slowly, atsushi adjusted his vision, solely focusing on the furrowed eyebrows his partner adorned.
his partner.
atsushi’s partner.
that thought was enough for fresh tears to replace the old bundle in his eyes, and in an instant, he was cradled into akutagawa’s chest. he was cradled into his home.
atsushi loved the agency, he had found the family he always longed for. but they didn’t understand. they didn’t understand the tortures that are constantly on loop in atsushi’s mind.
no one ever understood.
until someone did.
and oh how lucky he was.
how lucky he was to find someone to experience solace with. to experience acceptance with. to experience love with.
and this one person was all he needed.
your name,
just as you once called out mine.
-
even if the future awaiting me is so bright that it's blinding,
his knuckles stung, his body ached.
he hated this. this aspect of his job.
he was bloody, his clothes were torn, and he couldn’t rest in fear that even an one second gap could be the deciding factor.
the solid concrete was forced apart, and atsushi forced himself to dodge the incoming sharp edges.
stepping back as akutagawa took over in attacks, atsushi took the scrape of time to rest the throbbing in his legs.
as many times as it’s happened, he would never be able to adjust to the tearing off and regenerating of a limb.
they had been fighting for four hours now, and all atsushi wanted was to go home.
home to the 2 bedroom apartment he and akutagawa rented together. to the pull-out couch atsushi bought when living with kyouka that transferred with the move after yosano bought kyouka an actual bed. to the second bedroom transformed into a cat playhouse atsushi and akutagawa add to with every paycheck for their cat they adopted two months after moving in together.
home.
keeping his gaze on his partner, work and romantic sense, atsushi had never felt so thankful.
akutagawa was there, to have his back, and that is the reason he is able to keep going. his smile, his laughter, his tears, his gestures, his past, his beauty, his regret, his love-
his scream and atsushi lost it.
if i’m to face it alone, there's no real meaning in it.
in an instant he was by his side where the villain had flung him and inspecting the wound.
a large gash coated akutagawa’s stomach and atsushi let out the most strangled cry.
“nonononono, no, no, aku look at me please. you have to use whatever strength you have left and use rashamoun to bind the wound, please. i know it’s difficult but you have to try.”
akutagawa met his eyes, and atsushi knew.
“no. no aku- ryuu please. please, you have to try, you have to push, you have to-,” atsushi inhaled a shaking breath, not believing the situation, “you have to live ryuu, please, we promised each other right?”
ryuunosuke’s lips tugged the slightest, and the hollow in his eyes was becoming apparent. atsushi cried harder.
“go.”
atsushi couldn’t identify that voice with his partner, “what?”
ryuunosuke slightly opened his mouth and croaked out with difficulty, “go kick that guy’s ass.”
in any other circumstance, atsushi would have let out a chuckle and gave a snarky response back, but this,
this wasn’t.
a part of him was leaving.
“you’re,” he was short of breath, “you’re going to give up just like that?”
“it’s not,” he paused, choking on his blood. atsushi screamed to stop speaking, yet he continued, “giving up....it’s priority, you know that.”
how could he be ready to let go when he had just accepted himself?
how could he leave behind his home, the only semblance of the fact he was wanted and loved?
one thing would never change.
atsushi had found himself.
yet the one who found him was being left behind.
violently sobbing, atsushi held ryuunosuke close, arms shaking, scared that if he loosened his grip, his lover would slip through his arms.
somehow, that wasn’t enough.
“i...love you, jinko.”
a strained breath.
“thank you. for showing me my worth. for giving me warmth. for..,”
final words.
“giving my name a...purpose.”
dead weight.
a strained cry.
a blank mind, the blood of the enemy.
cradled arms and denial.
shaky eyes, hands, legs, breath.
“ryuu, baby, please open your eyes. we need...to go home.”
silence.
“ryuu please. it’s me. your love, your best friend, your partner.”
a hunched position and shaking shoulders.
i’ll shout out a name:
“please ryuu, please ! it’s your atsushi, please! wake up please, i cant handle this, you’re all i have left.”
he whispered,
“it’s me, wake up, please. you’re all i am.”
my name.
wretched sobs.
hushed voices. footsteps. comforting touch.
ryuunosuke being taken away and sore agony.
unconstrained pushing, pulling, pain.
emptiness.
i’m still right here; can you hear me?
akutagawa didn’t go home that night.
atsushi did.
-
the sky, blue, vibrant, and filled with life.
the tombstone, grey, dull, and a soul torn in half.
“sorry for... showing up as late as i did, ryuu. i just,” the air shivered, “had to work on myself before i could, work on you, i guess.”
it had been two months since that day. the day where atsushi was ripped apart, where he became incomplete.
where atsushi lost his identity, with no one to give his name meaning.
he stood there and spoke. spoke about how the agency was trying their best to console him, though he hated the pity, but he knew they were only in the right heart. spoke about how he hasn’t taken partner missions, how it felt like betrayal. spoke about how chuuya would occasionally drop by the agency and give atsushi whatever they had found left of akutagawa’s possessions.
spoke about how life was moving forward, without him, and atsushi hated it.
in terms of life, death, and time, akutagawa was minuscule.
but in terms of atsushi, akutagawa gave him purpose, and without him, he felt meaningless, lost, in broken identity.
then amid the wind, i heard,
from somewhere far off:
with surprise, atsushi’s lungs freed themselves when a breeze graced his face, the wind coming from in front of him, the flowers next to the grave giggling.
turning to face the current, wisps of hair tickled atsushi’s face as he looked to the sparse clouds and let a small smile slip.
my name,
a gift that allowed me to remain who i am.
“thank you.”