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The air in the room was thick with tension. The men weren’t as close to each other as they usually were. It was weird, to say the least, to sit with such a generous amount of space between them. The silence was uncomfortable as well; it was bordering on eerie at this point. This wasn’t the first time they sat in a noiseless room together, but something about the energy was off.
On the bright side, Christopher was finally in bed, thanks to Buck and two chapters of his latest Goosebumps book. Eddie had decided it’d be best if they talked about the disagreement they had earlier in the day tomorrow; after both of them had a good night’s rest. If they tried to hash it out tonight, he was sure that they’d just be talking in circles. Both parties needed a clear mind going into the conversation of Eddie jumping back into the dating pool.
Now, back to the issue at hand. Buck and Eddie were fighting.
Okay, fighting is an exaggeration, but things were certainly weird between them. Eddie had originally come by to pick up Chris, and he had figured Buck would fill him in on anything he deemed detrimental the following day. But, the look on his best friend’s face said it all. Whatever had happened between the time that Chris arrived at Buck’s house and Eddie coming by to get him, was something they needed to discuss sooner rather than later.
But seeing said look on Buck’s face made Eddie want to do nothing more than hold him close and assure him that everything would be alright. He had no idea what they had discussed, but the thought of either of the most important people in his life hurting was almost too much to bear.
Eddie wanted to place soft kisses all over Buck’s body; starting from his nose and ending at the tips of his toes. He wanted to love Buck unapologetically. He wanted to declare his love for the man; shouting it from the rooftop of the tallest building he could locate in Los Angeles. So yeah, there was no denying his feelings for Buck. But to risk losing one of the best friends he’s ever had? To risk ruining the amazing friendship between Buck and Chris? It wasn’t worth it. He had ultimately decided his feelings didn’t matter all that much in the grand scheme of things.
If only he had the balls to just come out and say it, perhaps he could’ve avoided this night sent from hell entirely.
So, that’s how they ended up here. In Eddie’s living room, acting as if they’d never spoken to each other a day in their lives.
“So you’re just not going to say anything,” Eddie finally announced after what seemed like a lifetime.
“I’m not sure what you expect me to say, Eddie.”
Buck’s tone was clipped.
“I want you to explain to me what conversation took place between you and Chris,” Eddie replied. “Because clearly, it was more serious than I had originally assumed.”
“I already told you on the drive over here,” Buck groaned. “I specifically said we had a heart to heart; nothing more, nothing less.”
Eddie crossed his arms and turned his body so he was facing the younger man. “Do you expect me to believe that, Buckley? Because the look on your face formed words before your mouth had the chance to.”
“You want the truth? Because I can give you the truth, Diaz,” Buck answered. “Chris told me that everyone leaves and when they do, he misses them, and it makes him sad,” Buck took a breath. “And now, you’re going to introduce him to yet another person, just for them to leave. He’s scared. And quite frankly? I don’t blame him, Eddie.”
Eddie took a second to absorb what Buck had just told him. He had no idea this is where the anger Chris expressed was stemming from. But how could he? This had been the first time the topic of dating had come up since Shannon’s passing. And now with the pandemic, feelings were bound to be amplified in all areas.
“Wait, ” Eddie said. “Did you just imply that you don’t think Ana is here for the long run?” His brows were furrowed and his tone was teetering on accusatory, but he couldn’t care less right now.
“Maybe I did,” Buck replied. And boy, did he look smug, with the outer parts of his mouth quirked slightly. He was testing Eddie; seeing how far he could push him until he reached his breaking point.
“That’s a bold statement to make about someone you barely know,” Eddie fired back.
Things were heating up, quickly.
“That’s rich coming from you,” Buck chuckled humorlessly. “You’re bringing someone into his life that you barely know!”
Eddie grimaced at Buck’s statement. He wasn’t wrong, per se, but he was in too deep. This was happening.
“That’s not,” his voice faltered, “that’s not the same and you know it.”
“Oh but it is,” Buck replied. “Humor me though. How well do you know Miss Flores?”
Eddie opened his mouth and then closed it. He knew she was Chris’s old teacher. He knew she was now a VP at a different school. He knew she was Latina. He knew she was beautiful, smart, and put together.
Okay, so maybe that was all that he knew.
“Ha! See. I know you, Eddie and you know me. But you have to admit, you don’t know anything that’s not surface-level about her.” He laughed again, “Your conversations are about as deep as a kitty pool.”
“I’m getting to know her, Buck,” Eddie replied, rolling his eyes. “Do you get into relationships and dive into their shit immediately?”
While Eddie waited for Buck’s response, he rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers from the bottom shelf of the fridge and nodded his head at Buck, signaling him to move the conversation.
Buck walked up to the island, cracked open his Heineken, and took a generous swig. “No. But I also don’t have a mini-me to introduce my potential significant other to,” Buck said pointedly. “All I’m saying is that I think it’s a little early to be jumping headfirst into the deep end.”
“I didn’t ask you what your opinion was on my relationship.”
“I mean technically-” Buck challenged, but Eddie was fed up at this point.
“Why do you care so much anyway?” Eddie countered, cutting Buck off mid-sentence.
Buck was taken back. He wasn’t expecting that question, but he was quick on his feet, so he went rushing in with another answer.
“Because I care about Chris,” he said calmly. “I also care about you and I want you to be happy, I do. You deserve it more than anyone, but I just think you’re moving a little fast. There’s no guarantee she’s not going to walk out when it gets rocky.”
Buck sighed, “Or maybe she’ll decide that being with a first responder isn’t for her. Which I mean, fair; it’s not for everyone. Regardless, the point still stands. I don’t think she’s permanent in Chris’s life at the moment, so it’s weird, in my opinion, to treat her as such.”
Eddie knew Buck was right. He wanted to say it. The words were at the tip of his tongue. If he could just–
“I’m a permanent fixture in Chris’s life,” Buck blurted out, nervously brushing his palms against his jeans.
Eddie raised an eyebrow at the younger. Surely Buck didn't think he could be anything but a permanent fixture in Chris’s life. He meant so much to both of them; Eddie and Christopher. Buck was a crucial part of the Diaz family; no ifs, ands, or buts.
“I never said you weren’t. Is there something I’m missing here?” Eddie asked, letting out a nervous laugh.
“I-,” Buck began. “Nevermind. Now’s not the time.”
“Buck, c’mon,” Eddie pleaded. “There’s no better time than right now.”
“I can’t,” Buck muttered. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I can't tell you like this,” he finished in a hushed tone.
Eddie frowned. He placed his beer bottle onto a swirled marble of the island and swiftly walked over to his best friend who stood just three feet away. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and rested his thumb on Buck’s collarbone, rubbing it back and forth across the clavicle covered by milky skin.
“Buck. You know you can tell me anything,” Eddie said. He gave the man's shoulder a light squeeze and continued to rub his thumb across the length of the prominent bone, letting Buck know it was okay to speak whenever he was ready.
“Did you ever stop and think about why I jumped into the dating pool right after you did?” Buck asked, eyes trained on the floor.
“I-I figured–,” Eddie stumbled slightly, trying to find the right words. “I just assumed you were tired of being single.”
“That and the fact that the person I wanted was whisked away before I had the chance to tell him how I feel,” Buck replied, voice cracking. His throat felt like it was closing and he felt the familiar sting towards the back of his eyes, a sure sign that the waterworks were on their way. “God. This is pathetic.”
“Hey. Look at me,” Eddie said, coaxing Buck’s head upward with a feather-light touch to his chin.
Buck tried to avoid eye contact by going against the grain of Eddie’s touch. He couldn’t breakdown, not now. He'd almost made it to the end of their.. conversation? Whatever. At this moment, he wished for nothing more than for the ground to swallow him whole and return him to real life in 14 to 17 business days. He couldn't tell Eddie how he felt now. Not when Eddie was finally happy.
He couldn't make something about him. Again.
He couldn't be a bad friend to another person within two hours.
So why did Buck blow up his spot? Beats him.
“I like you, Eddie,” Buck confessed. “But, that doesn't matter now. I missed my chance; you're with Ana. I won't take away your happiness. I can't take away your happiness; not now, not ever.”
Buck sighed and reluctantly stepped out from under the older man’s touch. “I should leave. I’ll see you at work tomorrow, Eds.”
“Buck,” Eddie started gentle yet firm. “The only way you could take away my happiness is if you walked out, through that door.”
“Huh?” was all Buck managed to say.
“You bring me happiness, Buck. You are my happiness. Well, besides Chris, but that should go without saying.” Eddie rubbed his hands together and continued, “I like you too.”
Buck chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of what to say in reply to Eddie’s declaration.
“How long have you felt this way? How come you didn't tell me, Eds?” he asked.
“Longer than I’d like to admit. But I couldn't risk messing up everything just for feelings that could've been one-sided.”
“And that’s why you went out with Ana?” Buck questioned.
“Partially. I needed to start my journey to real happiness. Then Ana conveniently reappeared, so I thought, why not y’know?”
Eddie continued before Buck could respond. “Ana isn't you, Buck. That's what I'm getting at. She's sweet, funny, and intelligent, but she's not you. She doesn't hold a candle to all that you are.”
Buck began to chuckle, which soon turned into a full-on fit of giggles. Once he was done with his laughter and caught his breath, he spoke once more. “We’re a pair of idiots, aren't we?”
“That we are," Eddie said. His eyes crinkled as a genuine grin graced his face. "Though I must say, there's no one I’d rather be an idiot with besides you.”
They wanted to kiss. Boy, did they want to kiss. However, the men knew Eddie had to break things off with Ana first. It was just the right thing to do. But in the meantime, they could hold one another in the soft glow of Eddie’s kitchen and exchange words so sweet you'd think they had been dipped in honey. They would be together soon.
Oh so soon.