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If she could turn back time just for them, she would. Just to see their smiles again, to hear the nervous excitement in their voices. The light blushes in her cheeks and the sun-like light in his eyes.
The heavy rain had been pouring for two days straight at this point, and it hardly seemed like it was about to stop. A dark and gloomy sky over her, a truly dispiriting shade of gray. Perhaps she should've waited for better weather, maybe a spark of sunlight would've done them all a little bit of good, but she already felt like this was long overdue. Absentminded, she raised her head to look at the this depressing sky. In spite of everything, she's glad she didn't take the carriage to here, the walk is building her spirit up a little, and she knows she's supposed to be prepared for the absolute worst. The seemingly endless water droplets also felt oddly good, cold, but refreshing.
As she approached the house, she felt the pit in her stomach began to dig deeper into her. Deep breath after deep breath, step by step. She was always known to be so brave, she was able to take on so much, more than most people could have. And yet, as the house came cleaner into view, her hands started to shake a bit. She gripped the basket she was holding to cope, but knew that it wouldn't make any difference. Despite all the horrors she already had to endure, nothing could prepare her for what was behind these closed doors.
And it used to be so touching. This house, this home, was so happy. After everything that happened, they managed to be happy. And it was a heartwarming sight, them, and all of them together, with their friends, the family they found in a broken world, in the moments they could meet up. Even if it was only to have dinner together, or have a cup of tea or coffee around a lit fireplace in the living room. It was a place that she herself was fond of, she had memories in here with them. A cozy and comfortable feeling, every visit felt like she was at her own home.
Now, despite the night already slowly falling, there wasn't a single room light lit that she could see. The windows that weren't covered with curtains were dark and seemed empty. If she didn't know otherwise, she would've guessed that that house was abandoned, or that no one ever lived here at all. She knew what reality was, but seeing this made it seem all the more real.
She enouraged herself to knock on the door. They knew she was coming, or at least he did, so she knew that he'd come to the door. Her knocks were painfully slow, and not nearly as loud as they maybe should have been. Her heart skipped a beat as the door in front of her opened with an agonizing creek.
"Mikasa."
As if her heart wasn't in pain already, at the sight of him, it broke in half. There, in front of her at the door stood Armin, and he was pale, drained, but he was clearly trying his best to not let any of it show. From what she could tell just by looking a him, he probably wasn't getting enough sleep, and maybe he skipped a few meals. His voice was soft and a bit shaky. And as he stepped from her way and gestured for her to come in, he put on a faint, little scared smile. Taking off her shoes, hat and jacket which were drenched from the rain, she felt her eyes already starting to throb.
Mikasa noticed that the inside of house was still tidy, well taken care of, but the lack of lighting was a bit overwhelming, fueling the the already dreadful feelings. They went to the living room, where Mikasa sat on the couch next to the fireplace. She was last here two weeks ago, sat on this very spot, (she was particularly fond of this seat on the couch, which Armin even started affectionately calling "her spot") and thought of that time, how they couldn't have known and were blissfully unaware of what was to happen. Though, before she could dive too deep into the memories of the very recent past, Armin came into the room holding two cups of warm tea and gave her one of it while placing the other on the small coffee table to the couch and proceded to light up the fireplace.
"You must be cold, I can't believe you walked all the way here." He said as he sat on the same couch, next to her. As he was offering her another smile, he noticed the basket she was holding in her lap, which actually reminded her that she was supposed to give it to him. She took of the cloth covering the contents of the basket, and awkwardly handed it over to her childhood friend.
"It's... for you", she whispered.
He pulled out the flower bouquet, and this time, an honest smile came to him face. The arrangement was beautiful, made from a mix of two kinds of flowers, red chrysanthemums and white lilies. And it was also adorned with red and white string, one of which had a small note loosely attached to the end of it.
"Forever by your side." was simply what it said, a cursive, elegant handwriting.
Mikasa spoke up, before he could first. "They're actually from Jean and Pieck, I think they both picked out a flower each and had it made. She paused for a moment, looking for what to say next. "I don't know... if it's appropriate... I didn't bring anything..."
Armin didn't feel like it was inappropriate, in fact, he found the gesture rather sweet. He thought he was sure to thank them first chance he gets. "It's quite beautiful." He said having studied it. "From Jean, and Pieck?" he said through a chuckle, "So... are those two...?"
"I don't know the story behind it, Jean just asked me if i could deliver it for them." And there was no way she could refuse. Jean was oh so busy with work, just as he thought he could have it easy for a bit, the complications that kept on arising were neverending, for the time being he also had to take care of Armin's end of the work. Pieck lived a while away, it's likely hard for her to come by. But, knowing these two cared a great deal already meant so much, he couldn't possibly ask for anything more. Reading the note again, Armin couldn't help but feel his heart tighten. "I'll take a guess and say Pieck wrote the card, Jean couldn't write so nicely even in his dreams..." he teased, trying to releave the wave of tension he felt a moment ago.
"And as for you," he began, "you being here is a treasure alone." Mikasa's eyes fell to the cup of tea she was holding. Overwhelmed with his words and not knowing what else to say, she softly asked, "How are you?"
The long sigh he gave in response after a moment of silence was a sign to her that he in fact did hear her question, as she started to worry that she was so quiet that it was possible he missed it. Having placed the gift on the table, he found that he was fiddling his thumbs. "Better. I'm holding up."
Mikasa was thankful for the sound of the crackling fire next to them, it filled up the gaps between their words. It made the wordless pauses comfortable, there was nothing too awkward between them. "I still find it so hard to believe...It feels like... it's not real." She looked to him, noticing he was rubbing his eyes. A hand came to her own face, trying to hide herself as she was afraid she spoke out of line. Armin rested his head back against the couch, with eyes closed, gave out a long, "I know." as a response. "I think I'm...doing a little better now, but in the beginning it was... as if my whole world had shattered. You know, we never planned for it to happen at all. I mean, yeah, we did talk about it two or three times, but we never actually tried. But it happened anyway. We were both caught off guard, but, in a good way. And then this... came so suddenly too, nothing could have prepared me... prepared us... for it."
A tear had escaped her. She tried to be quick to wipe it, to go unnoticed, but he cought on. "Mikasa please..." was all he said, but she knew everything he meant.
"You were so happy..." she almost cried out. A nod was all he could respond with.
The two best friends continued on to quietly sip their tea. It helped a lot, they both were able to calm down and felt like they could continue on the conversation more levelheadedly, or at least with no more outbursts. Mikasa still sniffled here and there, from her earlier silent cries, and partly due to the fact that she had walked in the rain. "How... did it happen?" she asked.
Armin shifted in his seat, and turned his gaze into the now empty cup he was still holding. "It started... ten days ago" he began, "She... woke up in the middle of the night. She said that she couldn't sleep, that there was a horrible pain in her stomach and lower back. She told me that she was often in pain, because of her small build, so, convinced it would pass, she said not to do anything. It didn't stop for the rest of the day though."
His voice was that of a narrative tone, Mikasa's eyes grew wider and wider with every new word that he said. Armin paused for a moment, and she wasn't able to make out what he could be thinking about based on his face. The expression was unbearably empty. "Then, the next day I insisted we went to see a doctor. I thought she would protest, but, the pain must have been terrible because she just came along and didn't say a word. There the..."
As his eyes started to get foggy, Mikasa reached out her hand and took his. She reassured him with a gentle squeeze, to tell him that it was okay for him to let his feelings out. He squeezed back, a sign that he understood.
"The doctor said... that there was no heartbeat. And it took us a moment to fully understand what that meant. It was like we just... fell frozen." Mikasa wasn't going to try and force him to keep talking. He once again fell into silence, but he broke if when he let go of her hand and reached out to put his cup on the table. As he leaned back he continued. "There was... a complication, with the umbillical cord, and no more oxygen was coming in. There was nothing that could have been done."
Mikasa nudged closer, placing her head comfortably on his shoulder. She didn't know if she could add anything to what she just heard, and maybe words were too much right now anyway. Nothing she could come up with would be pain relieving enough. Armin leaned his own head on top of hers, and went on to avert his gaze to the window and the sky outside.
"Eight days ago we went to the procedure, because of the cord, they had to operate on her. She was sobbing on the entire way there, I... I wanted to as well, but I thought... I should try and be strong." His cheecks were flushed red, taking in a sharp inhale he spoke again. "Thanks to the regenerative abilities, she was healed from the procedure quickly, so we came back home the same day."
"Where is she now?" Mikasa asked, as she realized she hadn't seen her, or heard a sound of her anywhere.
"Upstairs. She didn't come down once since getting back home. I tried... talking to her, so many times, but she hardly responds. She's up there lying in bed. I can't force her out, or lift her spirits, but it still... pains me to see her like that."
Mikasa lifted her head from his shoulder, leaving both of them a little cold, and looked at the staircase behind them. "Is it okay if... I try talking to her?" she asked. He gave her a dumbfounded look for a few seconds and then stood up, reaching out his hand for her to do the same. "You can try if you want, I suppose."
They climbed up the stairs, and until now she never noticed that the wood creeked beneath her feet and it the moment she wondered if it simply always did and she never noticed, or if it just came as an addition to the situation. And her observation from outside was correct, not a single light in the house was on. Night has fallen already, and only the fireplace was illuminating the house.
They stood in front of her tightly shut door, Armin was visibly nervous, as he realized that he didn't inform her of Mikasa's visit. In fact, today he didn't try talking to her at all. Hopefully, she wouldn't be too upset. He rose a shakey hand to knock on the bedroom door.
"...Annie?" He asked for her tenderly. "There's someone who wants to see you."
There was no reply. And after a few seconds, Armin stepped out of the way, allowing Mikasa to open the door. He would rather wait outside than enter with her, so that the poor soul inside wouldn't feel attacked, or at least that's how he thought. Mikasa gave him a slight nod, and took in a deep breath. Creeking the door open, she peaked with one eye first. Both the hallway and the bedroom were dark so she couldn't see very well, however, luckily the window in the room wasn't covered with curtains, so she could make out the bed which had a body-like figure on top of it.
Mikasa further opened the door, taking a step in. She didn't announce herself, despite Annie being aware that someone was in the room, Mikasa was still trying to be quiet as a cat. She closed the door, and she found herself alone with the blonde girl in this small space.
"Annie, it's me." Mikasa spoke, "I'm going to sit on the bed too, okay?"
Again, no response. Not even a twitch. Now that she'd come a little closer, she saw that Annie had her back turned to the door. From how her body moved, she could see her breathing was slow, deep and steady, for a moment Mikasa thought that she was fast asleep. What assured her that she wasn't though is Annie sightly turning her head over to look at the black haired girl from the corner of her eye, but she didn't respond with anything, and just nuzzled back into the pillow and rustled her sheets to further cover herself up.
Though this encouraged Mikasa, as Annie didn't immediately tell her off, to sit on the bed. Not being able to bear the darkness in the room, she took the little lamp that was on the nightstand next to her and lit it up. A bright warm orange color adorned the room now, giving it a slightly warmer atmosphere. The rain still knocked on the glass of the window, what's more it seemed to be louder than it was previously. Being able to see things clearly now, she saw that on the bedside table of Annie's side of the bed, there was a small pile of plates, bowls and cups. Armin must have been bringing her food, she was releaved that Annie was at least able to eat enough to take care of herself, though it still didn't seem like much.
What hurt the most however, was seeing the crib that was set-up on the opposite wall. She remembers the day that Jean and Connie came over to help Armin drag it up the staircase. Well, maybe they'll need help draging it down now, it surely wasn't easy to keep on seeing it now.
Mikasa reached out her hand and lightly pressed it on Annie's shoulder which was poking out from under the covers. "Annie...", she began, "we're worried about you."
Not at all surprisingly, the girl still wasn't replying. Mikasa wasn't someone who was known for being actively talkative, though, she felt that if she was already here, and she herself said she wanted to talk to Annie, that she would try and go through with it. Finding the right words was a bit more of a problem though, it's not as though she herself ever went through this, she was ought to be careful not to step out of line or say something which would further upset the girl.
"I won't force you to talk to me." She spoke up once more. "I wish I could do something for you to make you feel better, it's not easy seeing you like this, Annie. It would... make us very happy though, if you would come back."
None of it was a lie. It's truly an interesting story that the two of them share. Thinking back, it's so awkward every time she either of them remember the times during training. How pointless their bickering was, how unexplainably irritated they were by each other. How later on they fought with actual killing intent. And now, after everything, they've forged a bond. One of deep understanding, and trust. With one look one could exactly tell what the other was feeling. And they both seemed so hard to read to most people around them.
She gave Annie's shoulder a gentle stroke, to which the blonde responded by sinking further into the pillow. At least that gave Mikasa the confirmation that Annie was listening, and she wasn't pushing her away, at least not physically. Softly, Mikasa continued. "I won't tell you to recover, or try and forget what happened. Nothing will make it just... go away. And it's okay for you to feel like this. But Annie, he's also hurt. If anyone knows best about how you feel, it's him. And you being here, in this state, that's hurting him all the more. At least... talk to-"
"Talk to him?"
Mikasa twitched from hearing the meek little sound and in an instant removed her hand from the girl. Caught off guard, she lost track of what she was about to say, although thankfully, she didn't have to worry about it, seeing as Annie lifted to support herself on her elbow, back still turned to her. She appeared so fragile from the way she moved, as if she would break if she sat up too quickly. Her untied hair was messy, strands of it flying all over the place. Her face paler and thinner, and the bags under her eyes were huge. Annie wore one of her white shirts that she was wearing up until 2 weeks ago, when she saw her last. Mikasa couldn't help but think how... different she looked, as if it wasn't even the same person. One of her most notable features was now visibly missing, and in addition to that, she lost even more weight than necessary.
"Looks smaller, doesn't it?" She whispered, dead in the eyes, without looking at Mikasa. Mikasa felt a drop of sweat running on her forehead. Shame cought her for a moment, she didn't realize she was staring at her so obviously.
She shirt looked far too big for her now, and it used to be almost skin tight. It would shape her stomach nicely. Annie took her left hand and rested it against her now bony looking stomach. "There isn't a point in denying it, I guess."
Mikasa couldn't reply, the only thing she could do at the moment was listen to anything else the poor girl had to say.
"At thirty-one weeks, it was pretty big I suppose. And I was already pretty small, so compared to the rest of me it only looked even larger. I must look tiny right now, don't I?" She spoke breathlessly.
Having no idea what to say, and feeling her heart beginning to ache, Mikasa could only whisper out an "I'm sorry." Annie finally turned her head to her, with eyebrows lifted and all the life drained from her icy eyes.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. I didn't even... expect that you'd come here."
"How could I not? You mean so much..."
They spend a few silent moments together, but this time it was far more pleasent. Surprisingly enough, the rain seemed to be stopping, or at least the banging against the window wasn't nearly as hard as it was when Mikasa got here. And then unprovoked, Annie spoke up first, sounding frightened.
"You said...to talk to him?"
"I think you should."
Mikasa truly doubted that anything that could happen, anything they could say to one another, was capable of ruining the relationship they shared. For a moment she remembered how cought off guard she was that night in Odiha, at the sight of the small blonde girl blushing. But here they were a year later, and after everything, after seeing them laughing together, playing together, looking at each other with so much love and affection, she couldn't imagine two people who were more destined for one another. She knew that this was something that they could overcome together as well. Through all the pain and the tears, they would continue on to love one another. That much will always be certain. That's how Mikasa saw them, at least.
"What can I... possibly tell him?" Her voice even quieter.
"I think he'll be happy to hear anything. It would also do you some good too, to hear him. Just like you did to me now." Mikasa stood up from the bed, fixing the wrinkles on her shirt. She walked to the window and closed the curtains, then to Annie's bedside table to pick up all the dishes. She gave Annie half a smile as the small girl looked at her to follow her actions with her gaze. "If it's okay with you, I'll call him in." She finished.
Mikasa saw fear and uncertainty in Annie's eyes, but nonetheless, she slowly nodded and looked down to the sheets she was gripping. Feeling very happy with how their small conversation went, the black haired girl went to the door, and as she grabbed the door knob to exit she heard a little voice behind her whispering "Thank you, Mikasa." She turned around to give her one last smile, and left Annie alone in the room.
Staring down at her shaking hands, Annie's heart started pounding against her chest. She kept going through worst-case scenarios in her head, most of them had him horribly upset or angry. A part of her found it ridiculous that he would react in such a way, but she couldn't help but be nervous. What on earth could she even say? He tried talking to her over and over again, and she always just... wordlessly pushed him away...
She couldn't lie to herself. It's something that she had never given a single thought before starting a life with him and she would have never guessed that one day it would actually happen to her. Annie herself never had a mother figure in her life, in fact, for the most of her life she barely had a father figure. But that warm feeling she would get when he would wake up next to her on a day when they would accidentally oversleep; the smile she'd see on his face when he would talk about the future; him going through names and already thinking about what books they'd read as bedtime stories, all these little things made her feel like there was nothing in the world anymore that could stop them from enjoying the most of what life could offer them, along with their new addition. Of course. Of course he was devastated as well...
Her reminiscing and daydreaming were interrupted by a knock, and then the creek of the door. Annie quickly turned her gaze away, embarrassed, and afraid. He didn't say anything at first, she only heared his footsteps approaching their bed. She felt him sit down next to her, felt his gaze at the back of her head.
"....Annie?"
Her breath cought in her throat. She heard his voice call out for her already so many times, but this time it brought a blush to her colorless cheeks and tears to her eyes. Her eyes were already swollen from all the crying she did these past few days, she was surprised she still had anything left in her to cry more.
"Mikasa...told me you wanted to talk now? If that's the case, could you... at least face this way? Please...?"
As a consequence of his words just now, Annie couldn't keep it in any longer. She let out audible little cries as the warm streams of tears ran down her face. Mortified and heartbroken, Armin tried wrapping his arms around the girl. He felt her quiver and tremble, her sobbing had become louder, turning into uneven hiccup-like breaths which hitched every few seconds. He pulled her into his chest, both of them falling into the bed. She didn't push away or tell him to stop. Armin kept one arm safely wrapped tight around her as the other discreetly found it way into her hair, massaging the back of her head in a way he knew she found calming. The affectionate action had Annie turn her head around and burry herself into his chest, still crying.
Minutes that seemed like eternaty passed with them in bed like this. Armin took the liberty to cover both of them up with the bedsheets. When she calmed down, it was about time for one of them to speak up.
"So... where's Mikasa now?" Annie spoke awkwardly in a muffled voice thanks to Armins shirt. Though, she had to admit, she missed his scent and having her face burried like that in his chest was quite relaxing.
"Downstairs. She wanted to do those dishes she brought down and said she would wait for me... or us. I mean... in case you decided to join us later. There's no pressure, you know that?" He replied, with a gentle kiss to her forehead.
The action caused her to worriedly raise an eyebrow. "You're not... upset with me?"
A sad smile formed on the boys face, he cupped Annie's cheeks and brought up her face to meet her eyes. As a surprise to both of them, she didn't look away, but locked eyes with him for the first time in the past week.
"And why would I be upset with you?"
Following these genuine words, Annie averted her eyes to look at the pillow below them. He didn't let go of her mushed cheeks, and in fact started making small circles on her skin with his thumbs.
"I didn't talk with you for days..."
"You didn't talk with me for four years either, but that didn't really stop me, did it?"
She sighed, turning her eyes to the now purposeless crib.
"And... Because of me, the-"
"No. Stop it." The words were sharp and without hesitation. "Don't say it."
Annie shut her eyes, afraid of how he would look at her now, what he would say next. Three seconds passed, then four, five, six... She felt his lips press against hers. It was in no way passionate, or romantic. It was just simple, a small way of showing affection. It felt rather sentimental, in fact. And having let her go, he pressed his forehead against hers.
"I don't ever want to hear you speak ill of yourself. This wasn't anyone's fault Annie. There was nothing that we could have been done. Don't beat yourself up, I know you would never mean for this to happen." He whispered to her.
Annie was at a loss for words. He loved her, and she knew it, but she couldn't help but still think that... It was still her fault in some degree.
"I never expected to be...as happy as I was." She started, and he had no intention to stop her. He hadn't heard her voice in days, this moment right now, meant everything to him. "Seeing you get so excited, you seemed so thrilled every day. Everytime you'd run your hand over the bump...and spoke to it...I thought I was so lucky to have this."
A blush came to Armin's cheeks. In the moment the only thing he could do is bring her closer to him in a tighter squeeze.
"You know... I said this before..." the girl continued on despite feeling a little breathless, "I used to not understand the value of life. What it all...truly meant. And then, I started to understand it a little better with every new relationship I shared. With my father, with you, with Mikasa, with everyone... And then, I had a life which was... inside of me. It was growing, I felt it moving, I could feel it reacting to your voice, little hiccups even. And then it all just... went away. Just like that."
She halted for a second to swallow a knot that tied in her throat. "How is it, Armin, that even when I sworn off all the fighting, sworn off taking people's lives away... I again managed... to do just that?"
This time it was her that wanted to look at him, only to find that the corners of his ocean eyes were covered in tears. He took a deep breath, wiped away his eyes against his shoulder and took one of her hands to intertwine their fingers. "If I had known you felt that way... I would've been a lot more persistent on coming here to see you." He said in a hearbroken tone.
He kissed the temple of her head and stroked her bedheaded dusty blonde hair. In normal circumstances, Annie would try to shoo him away, she'd probability be complaining not to touch her hair while it's so messy, but now she lacked the strength to tell him off so she could only let him do whatever he wanted now. "Annie..." he whispered her name, chills ran down her spine. With an uneasy feeling in her gut, she weakly responsed with a "...yes?"
With a deep melancholic inhale and exhale, he began to adress her on how he felt. "You... you have such a kind soul. And because I know that, I know how much you're hurting now. But if you knew how you felt then, how much love you felt, how could you feel like it was your fault? You would never, ever, want any harm to happen. Annie, none of it was your fault. Please, just remember that."
She gripped his shirt whilst biting hard on her lip. "So what is you want to do now?" Annie asked him.
"Well... If you feel like it, we could join Mikasa downstairs to hav-"
"No." She interrupted. "That's... not it. I meant, what do you want to do about... the... you know..."
He stopped to think for a moment. He voice was gentle and loving when he spoke up. "I think the ultimate choice should be yours."
"I... have about a year left, you know?" She let go of his shirt, but instead wrapped her arms around his neck. His own hands were tight on her waist, and his face sunk into her shoulder as hers did in the crook of his neck. "What was I thinking anyway? I would have only lived for another year. Not much of a motherhood, is it?" The way lips moved as she spoke tickled his neck, but Armin paid no attention to it. "I'd leave you two alone after that..."
"And then I would be gone by the time it was seven years old. But... I think I'd be able to pass away safely knowing that it would have Mikasa and Jean and them by its side. Not for a moment would it be unwanted or unloved." He spoke, his voice as if narrating a fairytale, his mind far away somewhere else.
"Well...I'd rather trust Mikasa than Hitch, that's for sure." Annie snarled.
He chuckled to her sarcastic comment, and sat them both up. He cleared the messy hair from her face and cupped her cheeks once more after kissing both of them. "You have all the time you need to think about what is it that you want."
Armin then stood up from the bed, apparently to Annie's dissatisfaction. He warmly smiled her, causing a slight pale red color to come to her cheeks. "I'm going down now to start making dinner, and I'll ask Mikasa to stay for the night. I won't persist you, but, in case you feel like it, come down and eat with us."
"I..." Annie looked down to the sheets, then to the door, and then finally to Armin before having a genuine smile come to her face. "I think I will. I'll just be down in a few minutes, to not look like a complete mess."
"I'll set up a plate for you then. Oh, and you have to see the lovely flowers that Jean and Pieck sent us." He said through the widest smile he could.
With the promise that Annie would come down for dinner, Armin came downstairs and entered the kitchen humming. He noticed that Mikasa light up most of the lights. It was then he realized how depressing everything looked, and he was thankful for Mikasa's visit.
"How did it... go?" Mikasa questioned in a hopeful tone.
"We'll be okay." Was his immediate response, with the most cheerful voice Mikasa heard all day which made her shyly smile to herself.
There was a good chance that the wooden floor of their house would never hear the pitter-patter of little feet excitedly running, or the giggling of a small toothless mouth. And they both knew that. But they fell in love. They found happiness. And they made a home together. And it was something that no one and nothing could snatch away.
They would forever be by each others side.