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It was near twilight when Alec started for the loft, his hands aching at his sides. It was raining, the kind of cold, biting rain that chilled him right down to his bones. It was muffling, though, putting a thin film over and around the world so the first thing he heard when he stepped outside was the pitter-patter of raindrops splashing on the pavement. He was grateful for it. The world was too loud today, and he needed some quiet.
The walk home was long. Alec thought he might need that, too. He knew he could’ve just called Magnus and asked him to provide a portal, but he felt like doing that would break some invisible bond he didn’t know about, cross some line that had never been spoken aloud. He seemed to be fucking up things he didn’t understand a lot lately.
By the time he made it to Magnus’s apartment, Alec was soaked. Perhaps walking in the rain hadn’t been his brightest idea, but it soothed the fire that was dancing just beneath his skin, so he couldn’t bring himself to care. He shivered as he let himself into the loft with his key and felt the wards part around him. He toed off his boots at the door; slow, methodical. First one foot, then the other. Line them up perfectly. Leave them to dry. It was a simple routine, and it helped calm the overwhelming static in his mind.
“Alexander?” Magnus called from somewhere in the apartment. “Is that you?”
Alec dug his nails into his palms, the reaction so quick it was almost a reflex. His throat felt too tight, and tears burned the backs of his eyelids. He couldn’t answer.
“Alexander?” Magnus sounded closer now, and Alec took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Magnus would know something was wrong when he failed to answer him a second time. He couldn’t control that. Letting a small sigh puff past his lips, Alec slid his tactical jacket off and hung his weapons belt on the coat rack. It was just as much of a simple routine as his boots; he hated the comfort it always brought, especially when he was like this.
Magnus appeared in the foyer a few seconds later, his unglamoured golden eyes shining with concern. Alec could only look into them for a second. He tried not to tremble under Magnus’s gaze, tried to put up a strong front, but there was only so much he could hide from his boyfriend. Magnus knew him too well.
“Alexander,” Magnus murmured again, but it wasn’t a call for him to speak, nor a question; more like a statement, an observation. Magnus’s hand twitched at his side, like he wanted to reach out and touch Alec but knew better. His eyes raked over Alec with concern, stopping at his injured hands. Alec didn’t have to look at Magnus to know that sadness was pooling in his amber irises. He felt guilt twist sharp in his gut.
“What colour are you at right now, Alexander?” Magnus asked, keeping his voice low. Most of the lights had been turned off in the apartment too, Alec noticed. He wasn’t sure when Magnus had done that, or if it had maybe been an unconscious action on his magic’s part, but he appreciated it nonetheless.
Alec slowly unclenched his fists, bringing them into Magnus’s line of vision, and signed Red.
Magnus nodded and gave Alec a soft, supportive smile. He signed back, What can I do? and Alec’s breath caught in his throat. It was more than enough that Magnus had learned sign language for him, just so he was better able to communicate with Alec on days like this, but then he asked Alec what he could do, too - wanted to be there for him, wanted to support him, when Alec hardly felt like he deserved any kind of support at all.
Magnus made a low sound in the back of his throat, and Alec’s head snapped up to meet his gaze. Magnus signed, Stop overthinking! and Alec’s lips tugged upwards into a half-smile.
Can’t help it, he signed back.
Magnus sighed and moved a little closer, keeping just enough distance between them so that Alec wouldn't feel crowded, and said, “What do you need right now, Alexander? You know I’ll give you anything that’s within my power to give.”
Alec sighed. I know, he signed, but didn’t add anything else. Magnus waited, patient as always, for Alec to collect his thoughts. They both knew that, on days like this, Alec needed a minute to say what he was thinking, to find a way to articulate what was going on in his mind. It was so often cramped and chaotic that Alec had trouble figuring it out himself sometimes.
Hug, he signed eventually. Tight.
Magnus’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Are you sure?” Alec nodded, confident in his choice. If Magnus squeezed tight enough, he knew he could handle it, and he needed Magnus’s arms around him right now. They were the only thing in the world that he knew could make him feel like everything was going to be okay.
“Okay, sayang,” Magnus breathed, though Alec could sense his reluctance. “If you’re sure.” With that, he stepped into Alec’s space and wrapped his arms around Alec, holding him tight. Alec’s chest heaved, the tears finally spilling over, and he rested his head on Magnus’s chest, shaking. The pressure was grounding, just the right side of too much, and he sank into it with a relieved sigh.
“I have you, darling,” Magnus whispered, tugging him even closer as he spoke the sweet words of reassurance into Alec’s ear. “You’re safe, my love. Nothing is going to happen to you here.” Alec knew the meaning behind the words; no one would touch him without his consent, infringe on his routines, or be too loud or too prejudiced or too expectant, not as long as Magnus was there. He was safe now, he was home, and it was a wonderful feeling.
Alec pressed his face into the crook of Magnus’s neck, trying in vain to stop the tears from falling. It had been a long day, and he was tired, and everyone else in the world was so loud and so careless, and Alec had wanted nothing more all day than to come home to safety, to security, to certainty.
Magnus was his rock, an unmovable force that commandeered the space he called his own, and he knew, without a doubt, that Magnus was always going to do whatever he could to make sure Alec felt wanted, accepted, loved.
As if to confirm what he was thinking, Alec felt Magnus take his hand, squeezing tight, and press I love you into his palm.
Alec’s eyes watered again and he let out a little sob, pressing an openmouthed kiss to Magnus’s collarbone. His lips burned at the skin-to-skin contact, but the little noise of gratitude Magnus gave him in return made it worth it. There were a million things he wanted to say to Magnus, and he knew he would, just as soon as he could force them past his lips without breaking something inside of himself. For now, he signed I love you too back, and somehow, that was enough.
For all of Alec’s doubts and insecurities and guilt woven so deep into his being that he could practically feel it every time he breathed, he knew this one thing, this one simple truth, for sure. Alec loved Magnus. Magnus loved Alec. It was simple, it was beautiful, and it was the one thing in the world that he could count on. Magnus was the one thing in the world that he could count on. Steady, predictable, and always right where he needed him to be.
They would be okay. He would be okay. As long as Magnus didn’t let go - and Alec trusted him, knew he would never let go if Alec didn’t want him to - everything would be okay.