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“Is everything okay?” Robbe’s words were quiet, probing as they broke the silence in his small room.
Sander didn’t answer, moving through the space as he ruffled his wet hair with a towel, and pulled on one of the shirts and boxers he had left over the last time he had visited. When he finished, he laid the towel on the desk chair and crawled slowly into the bed.
Robbe opened his arms, making space for Sander’s form as he searched out Robbe’s warm assurance. Sander took a deep breath at the junction of Robbe’s neck and shoulder, burrowing in deeper at the heated calm it lit within him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Robbe asked, gentle but not truly seeking out an answer. Not if Sander didn’t want to give it.
And there was nothing to talk about. Not really. It had been an off day, one word triggering a flood of emotions Sander could barely recognise let alone name. They happened, and Sander just had to live through them when they came. He raised one hand to play at the golden medallion glinting from Robbe’s neck in the low light. “Just bad feelings.”
Robbe made a soft sound, nodding his head and pulling out his phone to peruse it as Sander burrowed deeper into his side. He didn’t ask again.
Sander sat in the quiet of the room, listening to Robbe’s soft huff of laughter, feeling his stomach rise and fall with every breath, and he tried to match it.
He hated the days like this, when he felt the tears well from somewhere in his throat. He knew it was just another day. Just another assignment, just another class, just another expectation. It wasn’t like last week though. The weight of the room and the expectations within it weighed on Sander’s shoulders heavily.
He hated when he could feel things getting bad. When he couldn't hold back the anger, the tears, the frustration, and instead felt himself falling into it. Like a wave he couldn’t quite master. On days like this, Sander could feel himself slipping, and he was always left wondering if this time he would be pulled fully under.
But the Robbe would laugh. He would tighten his hand on Sander’s shoulder or push his hair out of his eyes. Today, Robbe pushed his phone toward Sander, his eyes soft and happy as he shared a Bowie meme he had found on instagram as Sander tried to relax.
Sander smiled, small and tentative. There was a life line. A thread of warmth for Sander to remember in the moments where he only really felt cold despair in the beginning.
It wouldn’t get better. Not right away. Sander knew his body; he was learning to recognise the signs and warnings. He was going to have a rough couple days.
But Robbe was a reminder, warm and sure under his hands. It wasn’t the first bad day Sander had had, and he would have better ones.
Robbe pressed a kiss to his forehead, and Sander tightened his hold on his boyfriend in response.
“I love you.” Robbe reminded him. Sander always loved the promise in those words.
“I love you.” Robbe repeated. Even through this. Especially through this.
Sander closed his eyes, breathing evening as he matched Robbe’s heartbeat. “I love you too.”
And his was a promise too. Even during this. Especially because of this, and all of the things that come after.
His days weren’t going to be brighter, not right away, but they always had a little warmth to them when he was able to hold Robbe. He hadn’t known he could have that before. He knew now that he would always have it.
Because Robbe let him fall asleep in his arms, and when Sander was soft and plaint, Robbe continued to hold him until he too succumbed to sleep.