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If there was anyone who was the most self critical, self deprecating, it would be Sayo Hikawa. For her, she must work hard to improve, to reach levels nobody else can reach. It reflects in her personality. Never one to waste time for meaningless activities. If it doesn’t help improve her skills then she’ll outright reject it. Never one to socialize. If they can’t see things the way Sayo sees it, then they aren’t worth being around. Nothing held meaning unless she can achieve that level she so desired.
How it was, how it came to be, Sayo can only explain with one word. One person to be exact. Hina. Her twin sister. A genius who can surpass her without too much effort. An existence that was once one for joy turned bitter and sour.
As children Sayo and Hina were inseparable. Sayo laughed and smiled with her. Shared the same joys with her. Did everything together. If anything, Sayo was proud to be an older sister. Proud to have someone like Hina as her younger sister. Their love was unbreakable. Hina was weird, yes. But for Sayo, it was all part of who she is and Sayo didn’t mind. Maybe that’s why Hina became so attached to Sayo. Sayo didn’t care how weird Hina can be.
Sayo remembers what her mom told her. ‘You are the older sister Sayo. Be sure to take care of Hina. Be the proud role model for her.’ Those words spoke volumes to Sayo. She strived to be the responsible older sister that Hina can look up to and be proud of. It showed in Sayo’s results. Always at or near the top in what she does. Whether academically or physically. Sayo went through great lengths to get the results she desired. She found joy when her parents praised her. She found joy when Hina’s eyes would sparkle and express her amazement.
It was supposed to be great. It was what she wanted. It was what an older sister should be. It was also where her heart became dark, shrouded in a mist of negativity, clutching and squeezing every ounce of joy from her. It would be the source of a pain she bared with for a good portion of her life. The reason she changed.
Sayo wasn’t sure when, but her love for Hina slowly turned to hate. At first, it was fine. Hina coming home with results on par with Sayo’s. It was fine. Hina was learning from Sayo’s example. At least, so she thought. Hina showed the uncanny ability to grasp things within the first or second try. Sayo didn’t let it bother her. Maybe she’s just good at certain subjects. But the few became the many and then became everything. There wasn’t anything she could grasp with Hina there.
Sayo tells herself she is proud of having such a capable sister. But in her heart, it longed for something, something she can be proud of owning. Even if it’s something inconsequential. Just something she can have over Hina. Day after day, week after week, month after month, it just gets worse. Sayo works so hard to achieve her high results. People would compliment her for her work. Then Hina gets hers. Then those praises move on to Hina, leaving Sayo behind. Near perfect scores, vs perfect scores. Nobody remembers second place. Nobody cares how close you got. You’re just the older sister who can’t do anything like your younger sister.
“Hey! Aren’t you that genius’ twin sister? She’s amazing for those perfect score.”
“Hey, can you give Hina this as a present for being so amazing!”
“Hina sure is weird! Must be sad to not be as good as her huh?”
“Congrats Hina, perfect score! Here Sayo, close, 98.”
"Hina is weird but funny. Why aren't you like that?"
"We don't want her. We want Hina, we'll win for sure."
It stung. There was no praise. There was no acknowledgment. She was just the older twin. Someone who falls behind the younger. A failure. Sayo began to change. She hates it. She hated having her efforts fail in vain. She hated being compared to a genius twin sister. She hated Hina. All those hours spent studying. All thoise hours practicing. All those hours, wasted. What good is there for her to be a role model older sister, if there was nothing to be a model for? What good is it if she’s just surpassed in what she does?
“Onee-chan! Let’s play this game.”
“No! Go away!”
“Onee-chan, let’s go to the movies.”
“No! I told you not to bother me!”
“Onee-chan” “Onee-chan!” “Onee-chan!”
“I said stop! I don’t want to be with you! Go away! I hate you!”
That moment when Sayo uttered those words, she fully cut off her bond with Hina. But there was something that kept stirring her ire. Hina herself was a genius. But she lacked understanding people’s feelings. She lacked understanding hard work. Everytime Hina calls her while she was working hard, it made her run fumes. The bond was cut from Sayo, but there was a life line attached from Hina to Sayo. A line that Hina would never let go of. Sayo didn’t care. She wanted to be separated. But Hina wouldn’t let go.
Everything Sayo done was to differentiate herself. She wanted to accomplish things Hina couldn’t. Sayo understood, in order for her to beat Hina, she must strive for loftier hights. She must strive for perfection. Anything less is a failure and would result in losing to Hina.
Sayo looked for anything she could do, going from club to club, hobby to hobby. She puts in the time and effort others deemed obsessive. It mattered not what they say, Sayo has reason, a reason nobody else could understand. Hours upon hours go by with practices. Day by day, she can feel and see her skills improve. Each session, Sayo feels that hint of joy that she has something. All to be taken away the next moment. The moment Hina shows up wanting to be with her.
Hina shows up, Hina beats her, Sayo quits, Sayo moves on to something different. It was like an infinite loop, history repeats itself over and over. Never a moment to enjoy as it’ll be taken away soon. Sayo curses herself for not being better. Sayo berates herself for failing again. Sayo screams at herself for losing something she wanted again.
In Sayo’s pursuit, she never knew why Hina keeps following her. She never knew why Hina always tries to copy her.
Hina for one loves her twin sister. She loves Sayo for what she was to her. Sayo was someone who accepted Hina’s eccentricities. Hina always wanted to be with Sayo because it provided that comfort and love she felt from nobody else. She wanted to show Sayo she’s a good younger sister by showing her achievements. She loves how hard Sayo works and the results she produces. She is proud of Sayo as an older sister. Even when Sayo yells and screams her hostilities, Hina never once hated Sayo. Her love for Sayo stayed steady. Even if she didn’t comprehend why Sayo hated her, Hina kept that love. Holding it in place for when Sayo returns.
In Sayo’s eyes, Hina was just mocking her. Showing off her genius level abilities to ruin her life. It just creates more and more hatred. One thing was all she asked for. But it never came. Whether their parents knew about it or not, whether Hina understood it or not, Sayo didn’t care and kept searching.
The more she searched the more pain it brought. Sayo can’t afford to lose out. She can’t afford to slip. People? No need. Friends? No need. Fun? No need. Sayo internally raised walls around her heart. Never to let people know of her struggles. Never to let anybody get close. None of it matters. What matters now, was for her to surpass Hina at something and to keep it that way.
Music was what felt like the answer she was finally looking for. Picking up the guitar and tirelessly learning and practicing gave Sayo some form of fulfillment. Hina was busy now. She doesn’t know and need to know about guitar. It was finally here. Her answer.
In the time she picked up guitar, she achieved levels of mastery it normally would require someone to learn from an early age. Sayo got it all in the span of months. Really, if Sayo wasn’t so obsessed with beating Hina, she would notice that she is a very capable person. Her achievements in short spans of times at different activites is something worth praising. Not many people are able to or can even commit to achieve. But it’s for naught. Others aren’t on Sayo’s mind. There was only one and that was Hina.
If it’s not perfect, she must practice again. If it’s not perfect, she scolds herself. If it’s not perfect, she hates herself. If it’s not perfect, she loses. Lisa, Ako, and Rinko thinks it’s good. It’s not good enough for Sayo. Yukina points out a mistake, Sayo works extra to fix. She perfects it, she must perfect it again and again and again. Calloused fingers, cuts, blood, fatigue, none of it pained Sayo. It doesn’t compare to her life long struggle.
‘Perfection. Perfection. I must be perfect.’
Sayo was afraid. Her standards for herself is higher than for others. She can’t let them slip. She can’t lose it. She became someone Yukina acknowledges. A world class singer praising her level of skill. That’s something for Sayo to hold onto. Lisa, Rinko, and Ako respecting her, admiring her, and doing their best to match her efforts. That’s something for Sayo to hold onto. It was here. Her release from her suffering. Yet, she was still afraid. Hina was lurking, keeping her grasp on the older twin. She’ll lose everything again.
Her fears came true when she discovers Hina is to be a guitarist for Pastel Palletes. Sayo felt that anger raise again. She felt that fear raise again. Just as she thought she found her solace. Hina was there once again to ruin her life.
‘Why must she always be there?’
Sayo developed a public persona; cold, unmoving, stern, scary, unfriendly. She doesn’t know why she chose to snap at a student in Jr. High. It was not right for her. It went against her code. But, she needed to release the pent up rage that was steadily building. All this talk about sisters and love and idolizing, it was garbage. Ako was the tipping point and unfortunately in the line of sights for her outburst. Hina distorted Sayo’s views about sisters. Sisters was a love and sense of pride for others. For Sayo, it is nothing but anguish.
Sayo was to strive for perfection. A life long pursuit to reach levels Hina can’t reach. Sayo needed to become the perfect person. To set the standard for others to follow. Sayo was to be perfect.
Sayo was flawed. Beneath the perfection was a damaged, suffering soul enveloped in self hatred, choking the life out of her. Driven by only one thing. And once she reaches it, she’ll finally have the satisfaction, that happiness she has been deprived of by her own volition. That’s what it should be right? It’s what’s she’s been working so hard for right?
“Sayo~ you need to loosen up. Enjoy life more.”
“Sayo-san, you’re so cool. Can you help Ako with her homework? Oh and also join Rinrin and me on our trip to the otherworld.”
“Hikawa-san….thank you for your help. It helps…knowing you are here.”
“Sayo, you’re playing was impressive as always. I appreciate your effort.”
“Sayo~, let’s go on a date. There’s this new ice cream shop I wanna see.”
“Sayo-san, can you come with me to this collab event?”
“Hikawa-san…I would like…your opinion on what we should do about the students’ requests.”
“I’m glad we’re on the same page. I fully trust you Sayo.”
It shouldn’t be like this. There should be more worth to her skills than just surpassing Hina. To be so shut off, it makes things feel hollow, no matter how good she is. When did it become about something else? When did it become more about herself than Hina? Or was it ever about Hina?
Their smiles, their support, and their joys together, it started to affect her. The barricade she formed around herself, around her heart, began to slowly wither and crumble. Was it because of them? Was it because her? Or was it because of “her”?
“Onee-chan! You’re so boppin today!”
“Fufu, you know Sayo-chan, Hina talks about you all the time at rehersals.”
“Sayo-chan, you know Hina loves you. It’s so sweet.”
“Huehue, I think it’s funny that she always tries to sneak into your concerts when you tell her not to.”
“Sayo-san, Hina-san is brightest when she talks about you.”
A relationship was hard to mend. Years of damage took time to repair. Sayo has long forgotten about being an older sister. Time moved on and Sayo was distancing herself from Hina. Looking on it, Sayo realized it wasn’t her who was moving forward. It was Hina. Hina moved forward, still holding onto the love she has for Sayo. While Sayo was left behind, struggling to find the good points in herself, always out to prove she can be better, forever frozen. That hatred was never pointed at Hina, bit rather at herself. The proud role of the model older sister becoming one of burdens and pain.
All the time apart can’t be recovered. But Sayo knows that what was done is done. There’s nothing she can do about it. It was how she chose to live and now she bares the consequences of her choices. It became clear how she should live now. A certain bassist made sure she was steering down the right path. The path forward for her. The path for her to return back to where it started. The path for her to be side by side with Hina.
“Wait for me Hina. I’ll one day become someone that will walk side by side with you. I’ll one day become an older sister you’ll be proud of.”
Sayo engraved her promise into her heart. She now knows her burdens were self inflicted. Hina was never out to hurt her. Hina was simply being the younger sister who adores her older sister. Hina’s smiles and laughs weren’t insulting. They were just her elation of being with her older sister.
There was a lot of catching up, a lot to make up, and a lot to repair. Sayo did her best at her own pace to mend the damage done and to repair herself.
To Hina, there was no need to do all of that. To Hina, Sayo was always by her side. There was no distance between them. There wasn’t anything that jeopardized her adoration. Sayo’s accomplishments only proved her love and adoration. That love she held onto never once shrank, never once dissipated. If anything, it only grew.
Perfection before was her means to surpass Hina. Perfection now is her means to become the sister worthy of being praised and looked up to.
Along with it, perfection is her expectation for Roselia and herself. heir promising potential, gives her hope. Something the other bands before failed to do. Nobody could match her mindset. No other band had the drive. Yukina sharing the same sentiment was a blessing. Someone who shares ideals helps reinforce her pursuits. But it also added something. That feeling that lingered despite moving past her internal struggles with Hina. That feeling that was ingrained in her. That feeling of inadequacy.
With Roselia, with the members, Sayo must be perfect. It was established, it was enforced, it was repeated periodically. Roselia must perform perfectly. So in turn, Sayo must perform perfectly. That pursuit still continues and it takes its toll.
A mistake must be fixed. Her performance must be perfect from beginning to end. How she carries herself must be perfect to reflect Roselia. It must be this way. If not, then Roselia will be no more. More specifically, Sayo will be no more. She’ll lose Roselia and they’ll move on from her. She must be perfect lest she be left behind like the failed, broken toy that’s replaced by something better.
“Sayo, you shouldn’t work so hard.”
“Ako thinks it’s okay to take a break. Even the best demon lords need a breather.”
“Let’s rest for now…Hikawa-san. There’s always…other times…to practice.”
“Sayo, you need to be in top condition for our performances. Take it easy from time to time.”
‘No, I must keep going. I have to play perfectly. The highest standard and quality is the only way.’
It wasn’t just for Roselia either. There was a new person for which her pursuit of perfection was for. Lisa Imai. The kindest, warmest, selfless person Sayo has ever met. At first, she was just another person, another bandmate, someone to kick out should she fail to devote herself to the band. But slowly, she crept towards her heart. Slowly, she chiseled away at those barriers in place. Slowly, she made progress that nobody was able to. She was fully devoted to Roselia. She became irreplaceable in Roselia.
Lisa was truly the perfect person. Lacking in self confidence at times but with a conviction unmatched when it came to her friends. Would sacrifice some of her own time and happiness for others. Completely opposite Sayo herself, someone who would sacrifice others for her own sake. It was baffling how someone so perfect in beauty, personality, and skill existed all this time in front of her and Sayo never noticed immediately. She was the one who pushed Sayo to fix her relationship with Hina. She was the one who opened her eyes to her self inflicted problems. She became irreplaceable in Sayo’s heart.
To be with someone this perfect, Sayo must strive for perfection. That way, she was worth being together with someone like Lisa. That way, she was worthy of being with the girl that saved her.
Spending time with Lisa, those dates, those simple meetups, those quick exchanges, it showed how inept Sayo was at intimacy. What was to be shocked about? Sayo cutoff any form of friendship before they could start with others. There was no way she’d have the social skills a normal person would have.
Sayo had to learn, she needed the experience, she needed to research. Yet, even with all of that, she still falters with Lisa. It’s an enigma, different from her previous line of thinking. If she was prepared, then things should be smooth. But with Lisa, she fumbles. She loses her composure. She falls into the traps and whims of Lisa’s. Her train of thought blanks out. In return, did she do enough to warrant Lisa’s love?
What did it mean to be the perfect girlfriend for Lisa? Should she be more open for intimacy? Should she be the one to show it? Should she lose her reservations for public displays of affection? Should she plan out more dates? Should she spoil Lisa more? Should she be tougher to protect Lisa? There was so much lacking in her, where does she start?
“Sayo.”
Sayo slowly opened her eyes. The scene was blurry for a second before her eyes adjusted to the light. How long was she in thought?
“Sayo, you okay?”
‘Ah, of course. Of course she can tell if something’s wrong.’
“Sayo?”
“It’s nothing in particular.” ‘She is so gentle.’
Lisa can see it in her eyes. Something similar to her own at a time. She sees the solemnness in Sayo’s eyes. She could guess what it was. Sayo is a perfectionist afterall.
“Sayo!” Lisa said firmly.
Sayo’s full attention was now on Lisa. Lisa put her hands on Sayo’s cheeks to make sure Sayo gets the full meaning of her words.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is.”
“But, I must…”
“Must what? Kill yourself over perfection? Sayo, you are so hard on yourself, you can’t enjoy those moments of achievement. I love how hard you work. You always put your best effort for others now. But I also know, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t degrade yourself just because you made a single mistake. There’s nothing to be afraid of. We all make mistakes. It’s all part of being human.”
“What if…”
“Nothin bad will happen. You’re perfect the way you are Sayo. Whether you are your serious self or this socially awkward dork. Whether you’re Roselia’s guitarist or Hina’s older sister. Whether you’re student council, archery, or disciplinary committee. You’re perfect just the way you are. You just have to step back and see everything you’ve done. How well you’ve done. We won’t leave you. Hina won’t leave you. I won’t leave you.”
“Mmmnnnn! Lisachi’s right Onee-chan. You’re the best older sister ever. I’m happy with whatever you do and I’m happy just being able to be with you. It’s always boppin when I see you smile and happy. I’m sure your heart goes boom doom karoom when you’re with us.”
“Exactly. You’re an amazing guitarist Sayo. You’re an amazing person with a kind heart.”
Sayo felt something build up in her eyes. It’s like there was something welling up. Like something needed to release. Something that’s been held and restrained deep within her being.
Sayo doesn’t recall how many times she has cried in her life. The only two times were when she understood the totality of Hina’s genius when they were young and when she apologized to Hina for being an awful sister. This was the third time she can remember as the streams ran down her face.
Somewhere on her path, she became deaf to the compliments she’s received. Somewhere on her path, she’s became blind to the joy she brought to others. Somewhere on her path, she became dulled to the joy she felt. Those barriers she set in place blocked off all access to those compliments, reassurances, comforts, and support. Those barriers kept in the girl seeking help, seeking a reprieve from her long pained journey.
But now, when she experiences such moments, a warmness spreads through her. Her heart beats a little faster. Her mouth curls up ever so slightly. She could now accept those things as genuine.
Lisa runs her thumbs up Sayo’s face to wipe the tears away. Sayo chokes out a laugh, her hands raise and cup over Lisa’s still on her cheeks, feeling the warmth. Hina grabs hold of Sayo’s right hand. Lisa grabs hold of Sayo’s left. Together they pull Sayo up from her seat. Once up the two pull her into their embrace. Again, that warmth continues to envelop Sayo. She puts her arms around the two, hugging them tighter then she normally would, not wanting to lose this feeling. Tears begin to trickle down again.
From just a short distance away, Yukina, Rinko, and Ako arrive. It didn’t go unnoticed by Sayo. She sees their smiles. Their eyes tell her their pride as a band and the pride in Sayo.
“Sayo, its showtime.”
“Let’s rock the house!”
“Let’s give them…the best show they’ve seen yet…together.”
Lisa and Hina begin walking, pulling Sayo along. They begin to walk out of the room and into a tunnel. The lights and the roars of their supporters guide them. Sayo quickly picks up pace to be beside Lisa and Hina, hands still interlocked. Yukina, Rinko, and Ako just a few steps ahead. Before reaching the entrance to the stage, they were stopped for final directions from the staff. While stopped, Sayo feels something soft press on both her cheeks. Lisa kissed her on her left and Hina on the right. Sayo would give a reaction normally, but this time, she accepted the notions.
‘There is nothing wrong. I’m okay the way I am. They are the reason I can truly be happy.’
Finally they were given the signal. Finally they can take the stage.
Sayo should’ve known. This is what it meant. This is what she was pursuing. It was there all along. She wasn’t left behind. She is walking along with Yukina, Rinko, Ako, Lisa, and Hina. She is at her best with them. She is someone that they are all proud of. She is someone they can rely on. She is someone that they love in their own way whether it was a close friend, sister, or lover. Being here with them, being with them outside of music, being able to express herself, being able to make friends, and being able to see the good in her skills and accomplishments, it was all perfect. Her current situation is perfect.
Her pursuit of perfection wouldn’t stop. It’s not in her serious nature. But now, she can pursue that perfection without the destructive sentiments that could ruin her. Yes, Sayo would describe the here and now as perfect. And the bright future she has with everyone as perfect.