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Izuku huffed to himself, unable to sleep. He was laying on his back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. A quick glance over to his moonlight illuminated All Might themed wall clock revealed the time to be 3:34 in the morning. Izuku huffed again.
It wasn't often that Izuku was completely unable to sleep, especially after a long day of hero training. Usually, he either slept like the dead or woke up thanks to the occasional nightmare throughout the night. Not being able to fall asleep was more Shinsou's thing.
Giving up sleep as a bad job, Izuku heaved himself up and out of bed, stretching once he was on his feet. He yawned and shuffled across his room, heading out into the hallway and closing his door behind him.
He kept his footsteps light and quiet, not wanting to disturb anyone else on his floor. He forwent the elevator, instead using the stairs to reach the ground floor. He went straight for the kitchen, turning on the light and making a beeline for the coffee machine.
A few minutes later, Izuku was sighing in relief as he inhaled the scent of a fresh cup of coffee. He added a little more than a splash of milk, then made his way over to a table, settling down in a chair and taking a big gulp of his hot drink. He hummed in pleasure as heat filled up his body after he swallowed. Nothing like a hot and delicious beverage to warm you up inside.
Izuku gently sat his coffee mug on the table, leaning forward to then lean his elbows on the hard surface. He rested his chin on his hands and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and letting in out slowly. His chest felt heavy.
The dorms were almost silent, the exact opposite of how it was during the day. He could hear the lights buzzing, the refrigerator humming, and the gentle sound of crickets chirping. It was nice. It was peaceful .
… Izuku hated it.
The normally calming atmosphere was working against him tonight, it seemed. He had nothing to distract him from the dark thoughts that had been plaguing his mind all night. He had hoped that someone, maybe Shinsou or even Aizawa-Sensei, would be up and able to help distract him for a while. He was out of luck tonight, no one was up.
No one up to stop him from taking a swan dive —
Izuku shook his head, desperately trying to shake the thought away. He didn't have to do that. He had a quirk, he had friends… He was at his dream school, on his way to becoming a hero! He had everything he had ever wanted!
Yet the thought persisted.
You wouldn't have any more sleepless nights if you put yourself to sleep forever —
Izuku rubbed a hand over his face, then took another drink of his coffee. He didn't want to die. He really didn't. His life was stressful, yes, but he wouldn't change it. He had met so many amazing people by going down this path, he had saved his friends multiple times, plus many others, and he wasn't even a fully licensed pro yet! He was happy.
… Most of the time, anyway.
So what if depression sunk its ugly claws into him occasionally? He had fought villains more frightening than a little chemical imbalance.
Of course, some would argue that depression is just as much of a villain as, say, Shigaraki. It's just that one threat is internal, while the other is external. But just as surely as Shigaraki could decay your flesh, depression could decay your spirit.
Izuku had fought Shigaraki. Izuku had also fought against depression. What's more dangerous, the threat you and others could see, or the one you couldn't?
Depression could be a silent killer, Izuku knew that. It wasn't always noticeable, and lots of people liked to deny its very existence. But ignoring it didn't make it disappear, didn't make it any less real. Depression helped kill hundreds of thousands of people worldwide each year, and Izuku was determined to not become another statistic.
That didn't prevent the thoughts — the ideation — but at least it gave him another reason to not give in.
Izuku wasn't afraid of his depression. He wasn't.
He was afraid of suicide, however.
Afraid of giving up, of giving in to that voice that wanted him dead. Afraid of leaving his friends and family behind too soon, too young. Afraid of leaving his loved ones with too many questions and not enough answers. Afraid of putting guilt and regret onto their shoulders when it was never their fault. Afraid of leaving them alone to grieve and mourn, with empty platitudes as their only form of comfort; "He's in a better place now.", people would tell them. Like that would help sooth the pain and emptiness his sudden and unexpected death would bring.
Fear is a powerful motivator. Fear is what kept you alert, kept you alive.
Fear is what almost killed him back in middle school. A double-edged sword, if you will. Back then he had had so much to fear. Life without a quirk was no easy feat. There was a reason why the number one cause of death for quirkless individuals was suicide.
Pray for a quirk in your next life —
Sometimes, Izuku wondered where his current friends would be if he had jumped on that fateful day… If his life had ended instead of being changed forever.
Kacchan might not have been attacked by the Sludge Villain, but Tsuyu and Mineta might have been killed during the USJ attack. Todoroki wouldn't have started to use his fire during the Sports Festival. Stain would have killed Iida. Kota would have died during the training camp, and Kacchan may not have been rescued after his kidnapping. Overhaul might have won and taken Eri away — or maybe Mirio would have been able to stop him, considering he was the first candidate All Might had considered giving One for All to — or perhaps he would have been hit by a quirk erasing bullet regardless, ending the legacy of One for All before its purpose could even be fulfilled.
Anyways, the point was, Izuku had made a strong impact on the lives around him. People needed him — wanted him — around. He was incredibly grateful that he hadn't jumped that day, that he had held on until the urge had passed.
Life was better now. His depression still lingered in his mind, but it was subtle most days, manageable and easy to ignore. Sometimes it grew a bit stronger, hit a bit harder, like tonight, but that was okay. It wasn't anything he couldn't handle.
He couldn't control his thoughts, but he sure as hell could control his actions.
Go to the roof and take a final dive —
No, brain. Not now. Not tonight.
Not ever .
Izuku had his whole life ahead of him. A life full of opportunities and potential. He did not end it back then, and he would not end it now.
He settled back in his chair, hands wrapped around his coffee mug. He took a deep breath, then finished his drink. He relaxed, letting a small smile settle on his face.
He would get through this night.