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Venti and Xiao were at the rooftop of the venue they just played at. The winter nights were fast approaching as way less people stayed on the curb talking and drinking, so when the sound of muffled conversations got to where Xiao and Venti were, two floors above, they were almost nonexistent.
Coming down from the post-show high, Venti had his head on Xiao’s shoulder, admiring the view of the city’s rooftops. Xiao’s parka hood was tickling his cheek, but he didn’t care. There was so much to say yet no word was being spoken, as if they were afraid to break the peace.
Tonight’s show was a sold-out, and they were done celebrating at the rooftop with some beer and food along with the other bandmates, who left not long ago. If they knew what was up with Venti and Xiao, they didn’t know, or at least didn’t care.
Being bandmates with your ex was not an easy thing, both having a pact that nothing was going to change, even after years of breaking up, and that was the most painful thing. They still hung out outside of rehearsals, they were still almost as clingy with the other as before, but at the end of the day they both went home in separate ways, Venti in hand of another man.
Xiao knew when to let go, and has been perfecting the art of keeping his feelings for Venti in check for years, trying not to let it show to not mess with his relationship with him and the band itself. He knew it was a dangerous game to play, but was willing to go through it even if that meant knowing they were over.
Neither of them knew what a healthy relationship between exes was, or how were they supposed to act after so long. Alone on a rooftop at night how they were used to, Venti’s arm linked with his for warmth, feeling selfish for wishing it was more than platonic.
Xiao decided to take a sip at his beer, trying to push down the feeling coming up his throat, a dangerous feeling of wanting to reach out and try again, but not being able to.
"He broke up with me,” Venti said, breaking the silence. Rather to Xiao, he was announcing it to the night surrounding them. As if the cold wind could help easing the pain of those words. “Right before the show started, while we were backstage.”
Xiao didn’t want to interrupt, feeling Venti’s grasp tighter on his arm. It wasn’t the first time he saw Venti after a breakup, but maybe it was the first time he was sober enough to tell him about it.
“But it’s ok,” Venti reassured him. “He said… he said he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t love him back.” Xiao started noticing Venti’s voice cracking a bit.
“And what did you say?” he asked, carefully.
“I said he was right. I didn’t love him.” he continued, taking a breath. “I don’t know if I ever did.” Xiao eyed Venti's drink, and realized it was still untouched. “Everytime we had rehearsal, everytime I hung out with you, I was aware that I wouldn’t ever love him. And it was painful, it still is.” He was still talking without looking at him, maybe if he didn’t see his face it would be easier.
“Remember that song, Next Autumn?” Venti continued. “The one we had on the setlist last year” Xiao nodded, and Venti shifted his position, no longer holding Xiao’s arm, but to get a better look at him. “I asked the others to scratch it out from the shows, I got selfish. I wrote that song for you.” he said, still not looking at him but Xiao could see a few tears falling down Venti’s cheeks. “I got selfish and didn’t want anyone else to hear it, it was too painful and only wanted to play it for you, to take the hint.”
Xiao was without words, only his hand holding Venti’s while facing each other, the noise of the city being the only soundtrack of the scene.
“Even after we broke up, I was so afraid of losing you,” Venti continued. “I knew I shouldn’t have, because you’re you, and no matter what stupid shit I did you were always there, and I guess I couldn’t stand only being friends, knowing you already moved on and me still clinging to the past, even after being in relashionships.” Xiao began carefully wiping the tears from Venti’s cheeks. He did it with so much care, it almost made it worse.
The winter wind started picking up, and without their gloves Venti held Xiao’s hand even tighter. People were still talking on the street, and Xiao wondered if they even knew what was happening above them. He took Venti’s face so he would finally look at him in the eyes. The night sky made it hard to really see his expression, but he knew his eyes were red from crying, and felt Venti’s jaw still tightened.
“Would you please say something? I feel like an idiot being the only one crying” he said, using his free hand to get the tears Xiao didn’t quite reach.
“I’m afraid my eyes are already dry by now,” he confessed. “Everytime we play at shows, everytime you touch an instrument, you don’t realize, but you glow. You glow so much it’s almost blinding, and it hurts to no longer be able to reach you. After shows, with the high from the audience, being able to reach out and kiss you between songs. It hurts. Even when we were alone, at rehearsals, listening to you singing all those songs, to know you no longer loved me the way I do-”
“But I do.” Interrupted Venti. “All those songs. They were for you, I was an idiot who didn’t have the balls to tell you how I feel and-”
“And you had a boyfriend.”
“But I hated him!” confessed Venti. “I hated him because it wasn't you, and I hated myself because we broke up that year.”
They no longer knew why they broke up, they never did. Somehow, it was a thing that happened, they don’t remember if it was a fight, a small thing or they loved each other too much.
“But it doesn't matter,” continued Xiao. “If you don’t think I’m still stupidly in love with you, you’re wrong,” he looked Venti right into his eyes, as if he was aware how hard it was for him to live hiding that burden. “I still love you like the first day, Venti, since I stepped in that rehearsal room where we met, since we parted ways after we broke up, even when you told me about your new boyfriend. I love you so much I-”
“Kiss me already or I’m gonna start crying again” interrupted Venti. Xiao got a pinch on his stomach, remembering when they were dating, and how much he missed it.
Xiao got his hand firmer on Venti’s face, and both slowly pulled in, almost like they were afraid of how to do it after all this time, if they even remembered.
When their lips met, it wasn’t like fireworks or sparks or anything, it was a kiss of relief and years of burden and heartache all in one simple kiss.
Once they parted the air felt different, as if the bubble they were in until then dissipated, and now could feel the coldness of the night, the street noises, the lights around them, the almost untouched cans of beers they got from the venue.
Xiao still had his hand cuping Venti’s face, but this time Venti leaned into it, allowing himself to feel the other’s love without guilt.
Xiao got their hands together and left a kiss on Venti’s, still not quite believing he now could.
“I forgot how cheesy you were.” Venti said.
“And what are you gonna do, break up with me again?”
“Hey, I was dumped five hours ago, you should be nicer with me!”
“And you’re already with another man, what a heartbreaker” Xiao joked, and Venti laughed from the relief.
“We should get inside, I’m freezing my ass now.” Venti said, putting his hands together with Xiao’s to get more warmth.
Xiao got up first, and offered his hand to Venti, who took it and used the same movement to go for another kiss. They looked at each other with their foreheads together, as they used to do years ago, and felt like almost no time had passed.
“I missed you.” he said.
“Missed you too.” Xiao answered, meaning every word.