Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Naoto’s lips were a little bit softer than he had been expecting. Not that much softer – it was obvious that Naoto needed some lip balm on colder days like these – but still softer than what he had guessed. Everything about kissing Naoto was just a little bit different than Kanji had expected. Where he had expected Naoto to be colder, harder to get close to, more rigid, Naoto was… well, not that. Naoto was almost needy in kissing, drawing in closer with closed eyes and fingers that didn’t seem to want to let go. More than anything, Naoto felt intensely lonely, not ready for this to end, and drew closer to Kanji’s body until the two were almost heart-to-heart.

His breath high in his chest, Kanji managed to ask something that had been on his mind for a while.

“Why are you still wearing the guys’ uniform?” he asked, after breaking a kiss and looking slightly away. His face was burning. Naoto seemed stunned, eyes wide and mouth still slightly open. “I mean, everyone knows or whatever, right?”

“Does it bother you?” asked Naoto, rubbing one arm with the opposite, crossed-over hand.

“It’s not that,” said Kanji. He swore that his face could’ve caught on fire. “I was just… wonderin’, y’know?”

“I,” said Naoto, suddenly withdrawn and with crossed arms, moving away from Kanji bit by bit, in all-too-noticeable inches. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I mean, it’s fine,” said Kanji, looking away. “I-I don’t mind it. Should I mind it? Man, I don’t know. I guess, as long as you’re happy–”

“I’m not,” said Naoto, cutting him off. When Kanji glanced over out of the corner of his eye, it looked like Naoto’s cheeks were almost as red as his own. “I’m not… happy, exactly. I don’t know what I am.” Kanji’s eyes went wide, and he looked directly at Naoto’s face again. A bitten lip, eyes seeming desperate to look anywhere but his own.

“You’re not happy?” Kanji asked. “Did… did I do something wrong? Shit, I’ve never done this before, and–”

“It has nothing to do with you!” said Naoto, almost too loudly. “Kanji-kun...” Kanji’s heart swelled just hearing Naoto say his name, in spite of the circumstance. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say what you mean, dammit,” said Kanji. His head was beginning to hurt with all these unsaid feelings, with the fear that, even though Naoto said otherwise, it was very much something to do with him. But when Kanji looked over, Naoto’s eyes were round and huge. Kanji almost reached over to grab an arm, but thought better of it and stayed in the same spot.

“I just meant,” he said, exhaling. “That you can tell me what you’re feeling.”

“If you’re being genuine,” said Naoto, and Kanji nodded eagerly. Again, it seemed that Naoto could not look at his face directly. “I haven’t been happy. Not since everyone ‘found out’ who I ‘really am,’ as it were.” Kanji must have looked blank, because Naoto continued. “Kanji, remember my shadow? How it was tired of being seen as a child? How it would do anything to get away from that?” Kanji nodded again, slowly this time, unsure of where this was going. “I do want to be treated as an adult. With respect, and dignity. But I want to be treated as...” Naoto sighed. “I want to be treated as an adult man.”

“Because you’re a detective,” said Kanji, desperately attempting to follow Naoto’s line of thought. Naoto dismissed this with a shake of the head.

“No!” Then, more softly, “I mean, yes. No one will take a high school girl seriously as a detective. But that’s not why I want to be seen as a man. I want to be seen as a man because I am one. Maybe changing my name won’t do anything to change my body, or the circumstances of my birth, but sometimes I hope that I might be able to. That maybe I’ll be able to will myself into existence. As a man.” A few aching moments of silence passed them by.

“I can understand if you want nothing more to do with me,” said Naoto evenly. But when Kanji looked over, there were tears gathering at he corners of Naoto’s eyes. Tears that Naoto wasn’t even acknowledging, or maybe didn’t even realize were there.

“What?” asked Kanji.

“This is strange, I recognize,” said Naoto. “And I fully understand if you do not wish to continue your relationship with me in this manner. Or at all.”

“Hell no!” said Kanji. Finally, Naoto’s eyes peered up again to meet his own. Almost immediately, Kanji felt awkward for raising his voice, for changing his tone. Just another case where he was the bull in the china shop. But he didn’t know what else to do. “I… I really like you, Naoto-kun. And I don’t like that you’re a girl, or, or that you might start wearing the girls’ uniform someday. I like you.” When Kanji tried to look over, Naoto’s was looking away again.

“Remember when you ran off like a dumbass and got yourself thrown into the TV?” asked Kanji, once again catching Naoto’s (rather shocked) eyes. “I was so frickin’ mad at you. I wanted to find you and smack you across the face for being such a shithead.” Naoto’s eyes widened and looked confused, but there was almost a laugh somewhere in that expression as well. “Maybe it’s stupid, but that’s how I knew I cared about you. I wanted to fight whatever you were fighting. And it wasn’t ‘cause you were a girl. It was ‘cause you were you. And I hated that you were pulling such a fool move to get what you wanted, but I kinda loved it, too.”

“Oh,” said Naoto.

“If you say you’re a man, you’re a man. Hell, I’m the last person who could tell somebody else what being a man means,” continued Kanji. “And if you wanna keep being… whatever we are, so do I.” Naoto’s head tilted down, half hidden by shadow, but Kanji thought he saw a tear hit the light blue cloth of his bedspread.

“So, uh,” said Kanji, shifting uncomfortably in his spot next to Naoto. “What should I call you, then?”

“Hm?” asked Naoto, finally looking up to reveal very damp grey eyes. “Naoto is still fine.”

“No, I mean like,” Kanji let out a sigh, frustrated because he couldn’t find the right word. “Should I keep calling you ‘she’?”

“I’d prefer ‘he,’” said Naoto. “No, I am ‘he.’ And about the ‘whatever we are,” Naoto gently touched Kanji’s hand. “You can call me your boyfriend. If you like.” Kanji thought his jaw would drop to the floor, or that his face might burst into flames. Naoto’s head cocked to the side. “Sorry. Is that too fast? I’ve never done this before.”

“No, no!” said Kanji. “‘Boyfriend’ is good.” Kanji stared down at his own lap, suddenly nervous to meet Naoto’s eyes. “You can call me your boyfriend, too.”

When Kanji looked back up again, Naoto was smiling bigger than Kanji had ever seen. It was beautiful.

He was beautiful.

Chapter Text

“I’m freezing!” said Rise, exaggeratedly shivering and crossing her arms over her chest. She turned her gaze across the table, eyes wide and sparkling, to the group’s leader. “Senpai, could you pass me my hot chocolate?” Souji nodded and wordlessly passed her the steaming paper cup. Rise giggled.

“Always such a gentleman!” she said. She turned her attention to the rest of the group, her lips turning down into a pout. “Seriously, guys, can’t we start meeting up somewhere else? It’s getting really cold out!”

“Come on, Rise-chan,” said Yosuke, rolling his eyes. “You’re exaggerating.”

“You’ve got a winter coat on!” snapped Rise. “We’re all going to get sick if we keep hanging out outside like this. Poor Naoto-kun already caught a cold!”

“She’s been out of school for two days,” said Yukiko, a small frown decorating her face. “Has anyone heard from her?”

“Him,” said Kanji.

“Huh?” asked Yukiko.

“Him, has anyone heard from him,” said Kanji, more forcefully this time. “You’re getting it wrong. Again.”

“Oh, r-right,” said Yukiko. Color rose to her cheeks.

“Geez, Kanji-kun,” said Chie. “You don’t have to be so harsh about it.”

“You all keep getting it wrong,” said Kanji, doing his best to keep a calm, even tone, because he knew that Naoto wouldn’t want him to lose his cool.

“Come on, man, she’s not even here,” said Yosuke. Kanji shot him a death glare.

“You’re right,” he said. “He’s not here. But I am.”

“Don’t you think it’s all a little… weird?” asked Chie hesitantly. When Kanji turned his narrowed eyes on her, Chie held up her hands like a peace offering. “I just mean… back at the lab, Naoto said that she,” Kanji opened his mouth, “he couldn’t change that sh- he was a woman. I’m pretty sure we all thought that the next step was to accept that.”

“He is acceptin’ himself,” said Kanji. He could feel his voice getting louder, harsher. “He can’t change who he is, and he’s gonna stop trying. It ain’t that hard to get. He’s a guy, okay?”

“Maybe Naoto-kun is just confused,” offered Rise.

“He’s not!” said Kanji.

“How would you know?” asked Yosuke. “You don’t know Naoto-kun better than the rest of us.” Kanji couldn’t help but let out a snort at that.

“Trust me,” he said. “I do.”

“What makes you think–” Kanji stood up from his seat, the chair clattering loudly against the brick-covered ground. He was, on some level, aware that other people in the food court had turned their attention towards him, but he didn’t care.

“Because he’s my boyfriend!” he shouted, slamming a fist down onto the table.

A shocked, possibly even horrified, silence followed. Everyone’s eyes were huge. Most of their mouths were closed now, except Yosuke’s, which was still half-open from when he had been cut off mid-sentence. Rise had been right about it being cold outside, but Kanji didn’t feel it, his whole body burning with anger or embarrassment or some mix of the two.

“Oh?” asked Yukiko quietly after what felt like a very long moment.

“Yeah,” said Kanji. His shoulders, which he hadn’t even noticed were tense, relaxed slightly. He gulped. “Naoto-kun is my boyfriend.” Kanji now realized that he hadn’t said it out loud to anyone, never said anything about having (or being) a boyfriend to anybody but Naoto.

“Your...” started Yosuke. “B-boyfriend?”

“Didn’t you hear me the other two times?” demanded Kanji, his shoulders once again becoming tense, his body instinctively getting ready to fight.

“But Kanji-kun,” said Chie. “I thought – we all thought – that you liked girls now.” Kanji closed his eyes for a brief moment, took a couple breaths, like Naoto had told him to do when he got angry or frustrated. Because goddamn was his frustration reaching critical levels.

“I thought I liked a girl, too,” he said with a shrug he hoped would come off as nonchalant. “A girl. And I was wrong about this girl being, um, a girl, so I guess I don’t. Like girls. After all.”

“But Naoto’s not really...” Kanji must have looked like he was about to snap (which, to be fair, was true), because Yosuke didn’t finish his sentence. “I’m just saying, the whole situation is weird. No one would blame you for being confused over it.”

“Ain’t you the one who’s always callin’ me a queer?” said Kanji, and then almost felt bad about it because of just how taken aback Yosuke looked.

“I’ve never–”

“You never said the word, but you sure as shit meant it!” said Kanji. “You just can’t let what went down in the sauna go!”

“Sauna?” asked Rise, but Souji shot her a look and a small shake of the head, and she didn’t ask any further questions. Souji turned his attention to Kanji and Yosuke, the latter of whom looked like he was torn between backing down or leaning into the argument hard.

“Maybe we should all just take a second to calm down,” said Souji evenly.

“Hi guys!” said Teddie, waddling over in his bear suit. “I just got done with my shift! Where’s Nao-chan? Is she still sick? Should we bring her some soup?”

“That’s it,” said Kanji, shaking his head. “I’m outta here.” He turned to leave.

“Kanji-kun, wait,” said Yukiko. He turned back around and cut her off before she could start.

“Look,” he said before taking a deep breath in. “I’m pretty mad right now. I don’t wanna do somethin’ I’ll regret. Do any of you want that? No? Great.” He shook his head. “See you guys later. I’m gonna go see my boyfriend.”

“Kanji-kun, you’re here early,” said Naoto from where he was lying in bed, propped up by pillows and surrounded by what seemed like mountains of wadded up tissues. Kanji knew that it must’ve been killing Naoto to be anything less than put together, but he had to admit to himself that Naoto in pajamas and bedhead was pretty damn cute. He walked over to Naoto and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I thought you were going to see the others,” said Naoto.

“Yeah, well,” mumbled Kanji. “That didn’t work out so great.”

“What happened?” asked Naoto. Kanji briefly considered lying to spared Naoto’s feelings, then quickly remembered that he was an actual detective.

“Got into a fight,” he hedged, but Naoto just blinked at him, not accepting the answer. “About… you.”

“Me?” asked Naoto, surprised. Then something clicked into place behind his widened eyes, and Kanji could see that he was struggling to keep his face neutral. “Ah. I see.”

“You can be mad at them,” said Kanji.

“I’m not angry,” said Naoto. “Are you?”

“Are you kidding me?” said Kanji incredulously. “Of course I’m angry! You’re only askin’ them to change the words they use to talk about you, and they won’t even do that! Doesn’t that make you mad?” Naoto shook his head.

“No,” he said with a sigh. “I’m just. Tired.”

“Do you need me to leave so you can sleep?” asked Kanji. Naoto just laughed quietly and took his hand. It was amazing that a gesture so small could make Kanji feel like his stomach was full of soda bubbles.

“Not like that,” he said. “What I’m trying to say is… it’s very… draining to be around people who won’t acknowledge you for who you are. Our friends are wonderful, and kind, and strong, and I owe so much to them, but it makes me tired to be around them. I thought that telling everyone would make it easier, but it hasn’t. It’s exhausting.”

“I think I get that,” said Kanji. And he did. Sure, people acknowledged him, but in all the wrong ways. They saw him differently from how he saw himself. To everyone else – even his friends sometimes, or so it seemed – he was either too soft or too hard. It had made him sad at one point in his life, until the sadness hardened and he was just angry. But he’d realized at some point that running on anger was like running on fumes in an empty tank of gas. When all those fumes burned off, he was as tired as Naoto was. Maybe that was what drew them together.

Naoto’s face began to scrunch up, and Kanji pulled out a tissue and handed to him.

“Thank you,” he said after sneezing into his tissue.

“Welcome,” said Kanji. Something occurred to him. “Oh! Uh, they know that we’re, ummm… that we’re dating now. Kinda let the cat outta the bag on that one.” He anxiously rubbed at the back of his neck, worried that this is what would finally set Naoto off.

“Oh,” said Naoto. “I take it that didn’t go over well, either.” Kanji shook his head.

“They think that I’m ‘confused,’” he said.

“Are you confused?” asked Naoto. He seemed fairly calm, but having been around him enough, Kanji could hear the slightest waver in his voice that suggested otherwise.

“Most of the time, yeah,” said Kanji. “Not about you, though. Not now. I think I was at first. Back when we first met, and you said you were ‘interested’...”

“In the case,” said Naoto. “And your involvement. I suppose I was unclear on that.”

“You’re damn right you were unclear,” said Kanji with a smile. “I didn’t know much about you, you know, and people had always accused me of liking guys, and I wasn’t sure if I did or not, because I wasn’t sure what liking someone felt like. Like, really liking someone. I’d had little kid crushes before but nothing serious. And no one had every been interested in me, let alone a cute guy. A really cute guy.” Color rose to Naoto’s cheeks. “Not that you actually were interested.”

“Not at that point, no,” said Naoto. Quickly, he added, “I definitely am now, though.” Kanji smiled again and squeezed his hand.

“I know that,” said Kanji. “You’re my boyfriend, dummy. Back then, though, when your Shadow outed you, I got super confused again. It was kind of like ‘holy shit, maybe I’m not...’” He couldn’t finish the sentence – Kanji still hadn’t called himself gay out loud. “I mean, I thought that maybe I did like girls, and this was gonna fix me. That’s why I begged you to be in that dumb beauty contest.”

“I apologize,” said Naoto.

“Huh?” asked Kanji, surprised.

“Coming out to you was entirely selfish,” said Naoto. “I wasn’t think about what it meant for you.”

“You’re gettin’ it all wrong,” said Kanji. “I should probably apologize to you for that one. And besides, I’m happy you told me. I’m happier now than I was before. Helped me realize that I don’t need fixin’ - neither of us do.” Naoto smiled.

“True,” he said. Kanji leaned in to kiss him, but Naoto held his hands between their faces. “No! You’ll get sick, too!” He laughed as Kanji managed to dodge his hands and land a kiss on his forehead.

“Hmm,” said Kanji. “You’re hot.” His eyes widened. “Not, uh, not that you’re not– I mean –” he sighed. “You’re burning up.”

“I am sick, Kanji,” said Naoto. “Also, you’re my boyfriend, you’re allowed to call me...” Because Naoto was already sick, it was a little difficult to tell, but it looked like his face had become an even brighter red.. “You can call me h...” He was interrupted by a coughing fit.

“Maybe not today?” said Kanji, as Naoto recovered.

“Perhaps that would be for the best.” He yawned.

“I should really get goin’,” said Kanji.

“That may be for the best, as well,” said Naoto. “Thank you for coming to see me, Kanji-kun. I hope to return to school tomorrow.”

“See you there,” said Kanji.

Just as he was about to get home, Kanji’s phone chimed in his pocket. Maybe it was a text from one of his friends. Kanji huffed as he flipped open his phone, only to see that it was a message from Naoto.

“I miss you.”

Kanji laughed to himself. The text was short, but it was a full sentence, everything word spelled out as it should be, period at the end. A very Naoto text. He typed out a short response on the phone’s tiny keyboard.

“miss u 2”

Chapter Text

Kanji tried not to stew in anger all day at school the next day. It wasn’t good for his focus, and his focus wasn’t great in the first place, and school didn’t mean much to him, but Naoto insisted that he stay on top of his studies. And if Naoto insisted, well, then, what could Kanji do? But he kept struggling to keep his mind off the argument he’d had with his friends yesterday – how it’d ended with him storming off and with nothing resolved. Rise had seen him in class first thing that morning and attempted to wave him over. Kanji had pretended not to see, but the scowl on his face as he stared down at his desk was probably a dead giveaway.

At least Naoto was back in school again, though definitely not in peak physical condition. When they’d met up in front of the school gate, he’d still looked slightly flushed, and he sounded a little congested. Kanji started to tell him to go back home, but Naoto had dismissed him before he could even finish the sentence, saying that he didn’t want to miss any more school. Then, after looking around carefully, he had reached out and given Kanji’s hand a brief squeeze before running off to class. That quick squeeze of the hand was what was getting Kanji through the day, to be honest. That, and knowing that after school he could go to the next classroom over and see Naoto again.

At the end of the day, Naoto actually beat him to it, striding into Kanji’s classroom with an air of suave confidence that made him seem significantly taller (and less sick) than he actually was. The girls in his class started to whisper about him, all using the wrong pronouns, which made Kanji both jealous and furious. Not that Naoto was exactly out to the entire school. Not that they were exactly a couple to the entire school, either. Which was kind of killing Kanji, but they had both agreed that there were personal steps they should take before going public. Or something like that; Naoto had done most of the talking in that conversation.

“Kanji-kun,” he said, still congested, still pink in the cheeks, but smiling. “Are you ready to walk home?”

“Sure,” said Kanji. Behind him, one of the girls in his class whispered to a friend.

“Don’t you think they would be kind of cute together? Like, in a weird way?”

“No way!” replied her friend, a little too loudly. “Besides, I think Naoto-kun should stay single.”

“You’re not going to date her, anyway!” Kanji turned his head and glared at both the girls, who quickly averted their eyes and started nervously talking about the weather.

“Ignore them,” mumbled Naoto, his flush deepening. “Let’s go, Kanji-kun.”

“Kanji-kun, Naoto-kun!” called Rise. She had run over to their side before either one could make a move to leave.

“Rise-chan,” said Naoto evenly. “We were just heading home.” Kanji stood up from his desk and nodded.

“W-wait!” said Rise. “I just wanted – oh, there they are!” She waved at someone behind Kanji and Naoto, who both turned their heads.

“Kanji-kun!” said Chie, from where she stood with Yukiko, Yosuke, and Souji in the doorway. Kanji’s expression darkened, but the group of friends headed over towards him and Naoto nonetheless.

“We wanted to say...” she started.

“We’re really sorry!” said Yukiko, cutting her off in an uncharacteristic fashion.

“Yeah, man,” said Yosuke. “What we said about you wasn’t cool.” Souji nudged him with an elbow. Yosuke sighed. “And all the shit I’ve said about you before. That wasn’t cool, either.”

“That’s real nice,” said Kanji. “But don’cha think there’s someone else you should apologize to?”

“Of course,” said Souji. He turned to Naoto. “Naoto-kun, we’re sorry.”

“We’ve been real jerks about the whole,” Rise glanced around and lowered her voice, “guy thing.”

“Oh?” said Naoto.

“Totally,” said Chie. “We should’ve been more supportive.”

“You know yourself better than we do,” said Yukiko. “I guess we were the ones who were confused, not you.”

“Well,” said Naoto, looking down at his feet. “Thank you for recognizing that.”

“Oh yeah!” said Chie. “We also have something for you! Yosuke, give it to her– I mean, him!” She blushed at her own mistake. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Naoto. Yosuke reached into his bag and pulled out a medium-sized black box with the silver silhouette of a bearded man on it. He handed it to Naoto, who opened it carefully, as though it might explode. After looking down at its contents for a moment, he looked back up at Yosuke and the rest of the group.

“It’s… a shaving set?” said Naoto. “You all realize that I don’t need to shave my face, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” said Yosuke, uncertain but smiling. “But we figured that maybe someday you would, and it’s better to be prepared, I guess?”

“You don’t like it, do you?” asked Yukiko, her eyes downcast.

“Oh no!” said Rise. “It’s kind of insensitive, isn’t it? Since you don’t need to shave or anything...”

“It was Yosuke’s idea!” accused Chie.

“What?!” exclaimed Yosuke. “No way, it was totally your idea! A-and Teddie’s! Stupid bear!”

“You can stop blaming each other,” said Naoto. Much to Kanji’s surprise, a small smile had formed on Naoto’s face. “It was very kind of you to think of me. Thank you for the gift.” He looked around at all of his friends. “If I ever get to use it, I’ll think of all of you.”

“You’re welcome,” said Souji. “We’re all going to try harder. And if you ever decide to tell the rest of the school, we’ll be here for you.” His eyes met Kanji’s. “Both of you.”

“Thanks, man,” said Kanji. He scanned the room, and, seeing that the gossiping girls were gone, took Naoto’s hand in his own. “’preciate it.”

“We both do,” said Naoto.

“Do you two, like, want to hold hands?” asked Rise.

“Uh,” said Kanji, exchanging confused glances with Naoto. “Yeah?”

“Guys, guys!” said Rise to the others. “Let’s be, like, bodyguards! I’ll take the front, Souji and Yosuke, you can take the back, and Chie and Yukiko can take the sides! Or, maybe I should be in the back with senpai, and–”

“Alright, we got the point,” said Yosuke. The group arranged themselves in a kind of circle around Kanji and Naoto.

“This is a little unnecessary,” said Naoto. “But thank you.”

In a somewhat awkward clump, the gaggle of friends headed out of the classroom and through the halls, Kanji and Naoto still holding hands in the center. Looking over at his boyfriend’s face, Kanji saw Naoto smiling broadly and brightly. Maybe he had willed himself into existence as the person he wanted to be. Maybe he finally be who he was, at least here, around their friends. Kanji leaned down and kissed Naoto on the cheek.

Maybe they both could.