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They lay in Gus’s bed, arms and shoulders pressed against each other, each in their own endorphin haze. And Shawn’s skin was still burning where Gus had touched him — really touched him, his lips, his teeth, his hands usually so gentle and soft, but this time rough and desperate as they had gripped Shawn, had marked his body and claimed it as his own.
Every part of Shawn was sore and covered in both him and Gus — sweat, come, spit — the two of them mixed together like he’d always wanted. Like he’d always needed. Like he always would need. Forever. Because it was Gus, and it had always been Gus, and oh, God, what had he done? He’d gone and slept with Gus, and now? What would happen now?
This had clearly just been a heat of the moment kind of thing — something neither of them could refuse, because what Mira wanted Mira got, and, oh, God, how could Shawn let himself be influenced so easily?
He couldn’t even remember how this started — Mira’s hands on him, kissing down his neck, whispering dirty, sinful, things to him — things about Gus because she knew what he wanted, it was so obvious what he wanted — what he’s always wanted. And then Gus had walked in and Mira was before him, dragging Shawn behind. And somehow, somewhere along the way, Shawn had kissed Gus, and everything else had disappeared. It was just him and Gus and nothing else — just as it should be. Just as it is now — with Gus beside Shawn, still catching his breath, eyes closed, covered in both him and Shawn.
And even if it was this way, this perfect way right now — when Shawn could close his eyes and pretend that this was their bed, and Mira hadn’t been there, and that no one else would ever be there — Shawn knew it would never last. He knew that when he opened his eyes, he’d have to deal with everything they’d just done.
He knew that this would never happen again, because it had just been a thing, a thing that Mira wanted to do, and not something Gus would want to do again. And Shawn didn’t know if he could deal with that right now. Because if they had a conversation about this (and he knew they would, Gus would make them, he was sure of that), Shawn knew he’d fuck everything up. Gus would ask him why he’d said yes, and the words would pour out of him and he wouldn’t be able to stop them.
Because I wanted to. Because I love you. And this way, I could get what I’ve always wanted regardless of whether or not you felt the same way. And Shawn knew that was a bad, horrible, terrible idea, that he could never say those words, could never look at Gus and see the pity on his face he was so certain would be there.
“Where’s Mira?” Gus asked, startling Shawn out of thoughts.
Shawn hummed an “I dunno” in response, and winced as he sat up. “Well, see ya later buddy,” he said, hoping his tone sounded casual enough, and not daring to meet Gus’s gaze.
He was just about to pick his jeans up off of the floor, when Gus’s hand lightly caught his wrist.
“You’re not staying?” Gus asked quietly.
Shawn froze. “You want me to?” he asked, barely audible, and he carefully searched Gus’s face for any sort of tell — any flicker of emotion he could detect to know just exactly what Gus meant.
“Well, yeah.” Gus shifted a bit against the pillows, his hand still holding onto Shawn.
Shawn couldn’t breathe. He’d just gotten his breath back, and now Gus had to go and suck it out of him again.
He could say no. He could flash one of his fake smiles, give some lame excuse, and be out the door in thirty seconds flat. He could see Gus tomorrow and spend the rest of his life feigning normal and desperately avoiding this conversation.
Or, he could stay. He’d slept at Gus’s plenty of times, and he could pretend this wasn’t any different. He could get dressed, grab a pillow, and take his spot on the couch. He and Gus could have breakfast in the morning, and as Shawn worked like hell to keep his mouth shut and not ruin the only important relationship in his life, he could close his eyes and pretend that this was their house, their morning, together.
It was the riskier option, but Shawn felt himself being pulled to it more and more.
Shawn huffed out a laugh and fell back against the pillows. “Good, ‘cause I can’t move.”
Gus snorted in response, and Shawn could feel the vibration of his quiet laughs. Gus turned on his side to look at Shawn, his hand still resting on Shawn’s wrist. It was the only thing Shawn could focus on — the soft, light touch of Gus’s fingers not in any hurry to move, so different than just a few minutes ago.
“Shawn,” Gus started, his voice warm and careful.
“I love you,” Shawn blurted out — and then every part of his body stilled. Well, guess he didn’t last as long as he thought he would. He could feel Gus freeze, could hear him take in a sharp, quiet breath, and in that moment, every part of Shawn wanted to run.
“What?” Gus breathed.
Shawn sat up quickly. “Nothing. Never mind. I’m gonna go.”
Gus had yet to move or say anything else, and so Shawn slipped out of the bed and began searching for his clothes as fast as he could. He’d just finished tugging on his jeans, eyeing his t-shirt at the end of the hall, and trying to get some ounce of air into his lungs, when he heard the bed squeak.
As he reached the door, as the back of his eyes began to burn, there was warmth around him and he was turned around by a touch. Shawn stilled as Gus’s lips met his, his hands cradling Shawn’s face. Gus’s lips were warm and dry, but Shawn wasn’t kissing back, and he could feel Gus frown against him and press into him harder.
Shawn turned his face away, hands pushing gently but insistently at Gus’s hips to get him to back up.
“What are you doing?” he asked, voice hoarse, and he wished Gus would move his hands away, move his lips off of his cheek, so he could think.
His hands finding their place again at Shawn’s neck and jaw, Gus frowned and tried to turn Shawn towards him. “Kissing you.”
Shawn sighed and removed Gus’s hands himself. “Yeah, I know that. I can feel that. Why ?”
“Because I love you,” Gus said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Shawn’s hands lingered as he placed Gus’s own back at his sides, not daring to meet his eyes. “Gus, you don’t have to do this.”
“Do what?” Gus caught Shawn’s wrists before he could pull them away.
“This,” Shawn sighed, tugging one of his hands free to gesture between them. “It’s fine. I know it was just a — a thing, okay? Just forget I said anything. Please.”
He tried to back up more, to get closer to the door and closer to freedom — a place outside of this, outside of Gus and his pity, a place where he could breathe and bury his feelings deep down back inside where they belonged. Where they never should’ve escaped from in the first place. Where they never should’ve even existed.
Gus clicked his tongue at Shawn and grabbed his shoulder. “Man, you really think I would lie about something like this?” Moving his hand up to Shawn’s jaw, Gus forced him to look him in the eye. “I. Love. You,” he said slowly, enunciating every word carefully, so Shawn could fully hear him — understand every word and what it meant, without any other jumble of thoughts and incorrect assumptions Shawn would conflate with them.
Shawn swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything, his eyes locked with Gus’s.
“And you’re an idiot to ever think otherwise,” Gus finished. He didn’t move, eyes pouring deeply into Shawn’s, his hands gentle but firm against his skin, not letting him go until he was sure Shawn understood just how much he meant it.
“Wh —” Shawn choked on his words. God, Gus was making it so hard to focus. “But, I mean, you just said —”
Sighing, Gus moved his hands lightly along Shawn’s body until they were resting on his hips. “Yeah, ‘cause I wasn’t expecting that. You’ve gotta give me a second to process things,” he chuckled lightly, shaking his head at Shawn.
“Oh.”
Gus grew a bit quieter, eyes big, and soft, as he said, “I wouldn’t have done this with anyone else.”
It took Shawn a second for his mind to catch up, to fully realize the fact that Gus was standing here, before him, saying words he had only ever dreamed of hearing. Everything was just a bit too real — too overwhelming and too relieving — and Shawn felt his tears finally fall. But before Gus could say anything, before he could brush his tears from his cheek or try to reassure him — make this moment even harder to handle, Shawn grinned a bit and said, “I don’t know man, you always seemed pretty kinky to me.”
Snorting out a surprised laugh, Gus rolled his eyes and pushed Shawn away. “Shut up.”
Shawn stumbled back a bit, and a bright, light laugh escaped his grin. “What?” He waggled his eyebrows and moved back closer to Gus. “You know I’m right,” he said, and lightly punched Gus in the shoulder.
Gus scoffed and rolled his eyes, but before he could make any remark about how, between the two of them, it was most definitely Shawn who was the kinky one (did he have to bring up that sticker on his motorcycle?), Shawn’s lips were against his, hand resting on his shoulder.
Gus’s hands found their place back on Shawn's hips, and he smiled into the kiss. Shawn’s mouth was warm and soft against his, and he still tasted salty and sweet from before. His hands curled around Gus’s neck, and Gus didn’t think it was possible, but he was able to shift even closer and press their bodies together even more.
They broke away just enough to be able to breathe, but kept their foreheads and noses pressed together. Shawn smiled softly and brushed their lips together for another moment. As he pulled away, he moved his lips against Gus’s cheek until his face was resting in the crook of his neck.
And this time, he allowed himself to take a breath, to revel in being in Gus’s arms. It was easier, without Gus looking at him, to sink into this new feeling — of relief, comfort, the ache that had made its home in his heart for years, finally ebbing away.
“Mine,” Shawn murmured into Gus’s skin, as he all but nuzzled into him, and held him even tighter.
Gus smiled into Shawn’s hair and said quietly, “Always.” And he could feel Shawn smile too.
They stood there, holding each other and taking in every moment of warmth, love, and complete and utter happiness — a feeling, a moment, neither had thought could ever exist, until Shawn started to shift uncomfortably.
“Can we lay down? My back hurts,” he mumbled, lips still smushed into Gus’s skin.
Gus laughed quietly and pulled them over to the bed. Tucked under the covers, bodies tangled together, and his head wedged between Gus’s shoulder and chin, Shawn said again, this time calm and happy, “I love you.”
“I love you more,” Gus said, tilting his head so he could brush a light kiss into Shawn’s hair.
Shawn nudged his head gently against Gus, and smiled into him. “Not possible.”
Gus’s fingers delicately traced patterns into Shawn’s back as he hummed lightly. “Agree to disagree.”
Huffing out a quiet laugh, Shawn held Gus tighter. And as he closed his eyes, as he breathed in, everything around him Gus, and only Gus, Shawn didn’t have to pretend.
He finally had the only thing he’s ever wanted.