Work Text:
Sweetheart (Face Throwing A Kiss)
Today 11:09 AM
Steve: Heeeey sweetheart
Toni: heeey
Steve: How’s your day going?
Toni: been stuck volleying between board meetings and conference calls since this morning but im having pep take over soon, missing my boys
Steve: Question – can we reschedule those pictures for Christmas?
Toni: no, wtf
Toni: thats literally the only consistent thing we do every year for xmas
Steve: Right
Steve: We need to reschedule those pictures
Toni: why? (Eyes )
Steve: Remember how whenever you get sick, I take care of everything and make you food and ward off Fury’s calls and won’t let you lift a finger because I love you so much?
Toni: why do we need to reschedule the photos, steven?
Steve: Remember how I proposed to you because I love you?
Toni: i swear to thor you better tell me rn
Steve: Sent an attachment
Toni: ANSWER THE PHONE
Toni: WHAT THE FUCK PICK YP THE OHNE
Steve: Sweetheart, call down
Steve: *calm
Toni: whAT DID YOU DO FUCKER PICK UP THE PHONE
Steve: I can't
Steve: Calm down. I'm going to fix it
Toni: FIX WHAT WHAT HAPPENED
Toni: jesus pls tell me, i cant do this
Toni: steve
Steve: Sent an attachment
Steve: Peter got the trimmers
Toni: DID HE GET PLUG THEM IN TOO? WTF WHYS STEVE WHY WHY the hell
Toni: god if you dony answer the phone im going to leave in the middle of contract negs and kill you
Toni: i am in no way joking pick the fuck up and let me talk to my son gdi
Toni: WHY IS JARVIS REROUTING MY CALLS
Toni: FUCK YOU NOW IM NOT GOING TO STOP CALLING
Steve: You can’t talk his hair back on, Toni I’m fixing it. I was trimming my neck for the pictures that YOU wanted to do. So, really, this is your fault
Steve: I turned my back for a minute, he skinned his head up
Toni: SSKSJDSK
Toni: BITCH
Toni: omg
Toni: MY FAULT?!? ur DEATH is gonna be my fault, asshole
11:27 AM
Steve: Calm down, I fixed it some. Maybe. Debatable. We can get his pictures at an angle or something.
Steve: Sent an attachment
Toni: oh my sweet kiddo looks like a potato
Toni: WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE THE STUPID CLIPPERS OUT
Steve: It was just for a second!
Toni: i have to get back to the meeting with insurance before pepper comes out here and cuts my balls off, why don’t you go be the man with a plan and NOT let our son stab himself until i call agn
11:52 AM
Steve: He just saw himself in the mirror
Steve: He’s super upset and won’t stop crying, honey. What should I do?
Steve: Toni, you can call me now
Steve: Sent an attachment
Steve: He won’t come out from under the covers
Steve: He is inconsolable, what should I do?
Steve: Sent an attachment
Steve: He’s sooo sad it hurts myheart. I think he’d feel better if I shaved my head too. Say goodbye. He won’t sotp the water works. There’s no other choice.
Toni: DO NOTTTT
Steve: *stop
Toni: DO NOTT SHAVE YOUR HEAD
Toni: FUCK YOU, PICK UP THE PHONE
Toni: i swear togod steve
Toni: honey please
Toni: pick UP THE PHONE i swear on my mother’s grave if you do it i will shave your face with my repulsor beams PICK UP
Toni: STEVE
12:15 PM
Steve: Sent an attachment
Toni: WWWWWWWWWWWTF HAVE YOU DONE
Toni: im done
Toni: im so done
Toni: finished
Toni: why would you my beautiful baby boy ur hair im shakinh I WANT A DIVORCE
Steve: It doesn't look so bad!
Toni: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU CUT MY SON’S HAIR WITH A WEEDWHACKER
Toni: and your HAIR steve why why come on i loved it long whyyyy
Steve: It'll grow back (Cry-Laugh Emoji)
Toni: too bad your head won’t bc im going to fucking cut it off
Toni: fuck it, im coming home DON’T DO ANYTHING OR ELSE
12:49 PM
Steve: Wait wait, hold up
Steve: Toni don't
Steve: Sent an attachment
Steve: It’s just Photoshop, I swear. No one’s head is shaved, everything’s fine. Nat taught me how to edit photos, I’m sorry
1:03 PM
Toni: WHY IN THE HELL
Toni: HOW DAREEEE
Toni: one day i’ll be holed up in the raft and have to tell my court-mandated therapist im in for life bc my asshole husband thought he was funny
Steve: Love you, Tones
Toni: you better pray to god and all the other powers that be bc you are so DEAD steven
Steve: (Face Throwing A Kiss)(Face Throwing A Kiss)(Face Throwing A Kiss)(Face Throwing A Kiss)
