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Renjun would like to say he knew right away when he saw that first strand of black hair across the room, but it took him quite a while until he could actually see Jaemin in the crowded room. Maybe if it were a year ago, he would've known from the scent of Jaemin's cologne, but, right now, they're too far, and Jaemin might have changed his favorite perfume.
A lot changes in a year, and although Jaemin might not have changed his haircut at all, he does seem different. Renjun doesn't recognize the sweater he's wearing anymore, and Jaemin laughs openly now—he used to laugh hidden, finding Renjun's eyes and sharing the joke only between the two—; he's bright, and there are no more dark circles under his eyes.
Jaemin still wears the same sneakers Renjun gifted him three years ago—it was Christmas, and he was tired of seeing his boyfriend wear the same boots with holes and complain his feet were cold, so he went out, with the bit of money he could gather from his part-time job and got Jaemin the sneakers he had once told Renjun he found pretty.
They are still pretty on his feet, even if the gifter tried not to look at them too much.
Jaemin is, as far as anyone is concerned, still as pretty as the first time they met. He still sports the same mischief in his eyes and a striking profile as Renjun watches him talk to some people he doesn't know. Everything is there, the high nose bridge and the long eyelashes, the same features Renjun would trace away with his fingers for hours as he watched Jaemin sleep in the morning. He would wait until he woke up to nag him about breakfast, to which Jaemin would comply only when he had his quota of kisses for the day filled.
("Oh my god," Renjun said, fighting to get his boyfriend out of bed, "get your lips away from me, you monster."
Jaemin would laugh, as if he had not just woken up, with the confidence of a thousand suns and need to annoy his boyfriend, "Injun, it's like you don't even know me."
They would usually wake up earlier, simply because Renjun knew his boyfriend needed time before his brain could start working again, and he loved to take a few moments in with Jaemin and plan ahead their day.
"Your breath stinks," Renjun told him and got an outrageously shocked face back. It would've been cute if not for Jaemin's bed hair being all puffed out to the left and the trail of dry saliva on his cheek.
"You're not that better."
"I've already brushed my teeth."
"On Injun," Jaemin would smile, "then you have a problem.")
Those memories are still stored somewhere inside Renjun's brain as good times, no matter the consequences they had to it. And as he watches Jaemin waltz into the room, commanding the place with little effort, he can't help but find his walk funny. He knows Jaemin well enough to see as his smile turns cold, just as he is close and can hear the annoyance in his voice. There's a limit to how much social interaction with strangers Jaemin can take, and he was reaching it.
He doesn't know if his eyes are deceiving him or if Jaemin had already seen him at the party, but there's a conscious effort from Jaemin to not look over to where Renjun is—where he stands with Yukhei and the others—and he can't help but wonder if there's any meaning to it.
Maybe there is.
Maybe, as Renjun is brought back to the conversation he is having, as he feels Yukhei's hand slip into his, and as he basks on the comforting smile his boyfriend gives him, one that has made him feel at ease and at home for months now; he can't help but wonder if Jaemin not looking back could be because of the new development.
Renjun isn't sure how it happens, or when it does, all he knows is that one day Yukhei is beside him as he tries to finish his assignments, and the other he's running around campus because he finished up all his exams and can't wait to spend time with the boy. Renjun runs. He never does that. But for Yukhei, he's sprinting and telling people he's sorry as he passes through them.
He doesn't know how it happens, but Yukhei is there and his hands fit Renjun's, and the next thing they are skipping class to stay in bed and talk about their plans for Christmas—that year, Renjun isn't scared of the holidays anymore, and he has Yukhei to thank.
And he tries his best to ignore the back turned from him, the silk raven hair from the boy, his broad shoulders—Jaemin had definitely been working out—and continue his conversation. It was something about their upcoming graduation, about how they were all leaving town, and as he was gearing up to talk and not seem like a deadweight to their friend group, Renjun feels the eyes on him.
Not any pair of eyes, he's aware sometimes he draws attention and learned to deal with it, but this time it's different.
It's different because he's been wanting that pair of eyes to look his way for the entirety of that night and when they do, it's hard to walk away from it. Jaemin isn't smiling, he doesn't even make any sign of recognition as Renjun sends him a silent greeting, but he also doesn't shy away from the stare.
It's awkward. And Renjun can feel his ears start to turn red as the seconds pass between them. He's aware he might come off as rude to his circle of friends, as he is clearly not interested in what they have to say, but Renjun doesn't really care by then.
All his attention is glued to the boy looking at him from a few meters away, his stance cold and eyes bored.
Jaemin, as anyone from their friend group would tell, is the brightest of them all. Not even Jeno, who pretty much started a revolution when he decided to dismantle their university's radio from the outside, could compare. Or maybe that was all inside Renjun's head, maybe no one would ever be able to top how Jaemin looked back then because he was in love, and Renjun in love only had eyes for one man.
Still, Jaemin is bright. Not only because he's smart—and studying to be a doctor, he has to be—but also because he is good. There's not a single mean bone in his body, and he was Renjun's perfect match because of it.
They were, what their friend group would call, one in a million. And as Renjun found himself waking up to watch Jaemin back then, he agreed. There was little to disagree when it came to both of them, and it was a done deal from the start—ever since Renjun had first seen Jaemin sitting down at one of the library tables, those that were too hard for it to be comfortable, and asked him if he would've like to split a private room.
And with their staring contest happening, Renjun could still feel it. But it was muted. Jaemin's force on him had been impaired, and there was little to fix. Time was a cruel concept and one year later, it was hard to tell what Renjun had found so alluring about Jaemin back then.
Sure, he could still tell he looked like he had been sculpted by gods, even more now, with the way Jaemin's features had grown into him, and all his soft edges had disappeared. But anyone could've told them that, they had a pretty group of friends. Renjun had been roommates with Jeno for years, and there was little attraction there.
He doesn't know what to do. Maybe the staring could be a cue to walk up and ask how he's been, to quench away his thirst for learning how he's been dealing with life since they grew apart, mess up the very last few months and go back to their routine. It would've been easy; all Renjun has to do is say the words.
Instead, Jaemin looks away. He doesn't give him an explanation, and just as he chose to look at Renjun without any ceremony, he also stops. It stings, but not as much as Renjun thought it would. It isn't the first time he's seen Jaemin break eye contact, he'd just forgotten those last few months together, and all the bitter memories came back rushing to him all at once.
He could feel Yukhei's lips near his ear before he could even get back and apologize for interrupting their talk, "do you wanna go there?"
Yukhei is a head taller than Renjun, so he has to crouch to reach Renjun's ear. Sometimes, somethings are made only for the two of them, and Renjun could feel the shiver start in his lower back when his boyfriend shifted closer.
Yukhei was also never a part of their friend group, not exactly. They knew each other through mutual friends, but Renjun had always been too occupied with his own world to expand his vision besides the people in direct contact with him. So he never really noticed Yukhei, not until a few months back, when Renjun decided to take a step back from his immediate friends and try new clubs in the university.
It came as a shock for Jeno when Renjun first told him his decision. Being one of the podcast's main hosts and creators, it was a no-brainer that Renjun would've always have a fixed position there. But as the months went by, and the conversation would stop as Renjun came through the doors, as they would try to censor Jaemin's name whenever he was around, Renjun thought there was only one way to make it stop.
Therefore, he left. He made sure not to create an alarm when it happened, and Jeno tried his best not to let it show how disappointed he was in his roommate and that revelation. Renjun didn't need any of that, and Jeno had already heard too many hushed cries inside his home to add to them anymore.
It happened gradually; at first, Jeno kept up with him all the time. They were still roommates, and Jeno spent most of his time home editing the episodes or driving around with Hyuck at night, so there wasn't much to worry about. But then, as the weeks passed, as their hearts would start to toughen up again, Jaemin got back to their friend group, and it was harder for Jeno to tell Renjun how his day had been.
And Renjun noticed it too, so they both retreated upon themselves. Instead of the best friends they were known to be, they became roommates with filters; there were things they didn't discuss anymore, and it would send Renjun into overdrive whenever he had to stop himself from calling his friends because Jaemin might've been with them.
In the span of a few months, Renjun saw himself stripped out of the place he used to go and the people he used to meet, and to only some fault of his own. With the realization he had to keep going, otherwise he would break down, Renjun tried to keep up with the Space Science Club—which was hard; he didn't know most of the people there would be studying engineering or physics, so he came home with a headache for the best part of the first month.
Nonetheless, he found Yukhei there, a familiar face since the boy was friends with Mark, and he found it funny whenever Renjun would scrunch his nose when they would talk about the possible mechanics of time warp or black holes. Renjun liked the science fiction part of space, but all the math and possibilities that came to it were still too far for him to understand.
But with Yukhei and the club, Renjun found himself enthralled by their conversations. Every day he would leave his classes and meet up with the members, hear as they would discuss passionately what they couldn't be sure, and get back home with his sense of hope restored. If there were people out there willing to bet their entire careers into the unknown, onto questions they could never find answers for, Renjun could also get back on his feet and start anew.
So that's exactly what he did, and he felt Jeno slipping away from him more and more as the days passed, as he would leave the room whenever he got a call from Jaemin, as he would try to keep his voice low so he wouldn't bother Renjun. By the end of the third month, they were back to their first days together, scheduling who would do the dishes that day and who would take the trash. By the end of the seventh month, Jeno moved out.
("If there's anything you need," Jeno told him back then, with his voice thundering over the silent room, "you call me, okay?"
Renjun could add there that they hadn't called each other in months, or that he had been too busy with Hyuck and his other set of friends to even care about how Renjun was, that they both took him leaving the project they build together way too personally and there was nothing they could do to restore what had been broken.
He could add he wasn't even in the top three people Renjun could call, or felt comfortable with, whenever he needed something. They had both made their choices and would have to live with them.
Renjun could've said a lot of things, but the man standing in front of him was still Jeno, and he would always have a soft spot for him.
"Of course," Renjun lied.)
Renjun got back to his boyfriend, looking over to Yukhei as he saw his worried eyes, as he scanned the room to find Jaemin again, now oblivious to them, talking to people Renjun had never met, people who knew the man Jaemin was now, and not the ghost of who he had been.
"I'll catch up with him later," Renjun told Yukhei, unsure if it was the truth or not.
Yukhei doesn't pressure him, because he never does. Yukhei waits around, until Renjun is ready to come out and be himself again, until he's comfortable existing and sharing his space with others.
Yukhei, unlike any other, waited around until Renjun was whole again to try and know him better.
The conversation flows, and before Renjun could notice, he is already telling others about their plans for the following months. How he had found himself a job as an assistant writer for a show and would be staying at a nearby city, and Yukhei would stay near campus because he had been offered a spot as a researcher, and therefore would be taking it. At first, it seemed even silly to think about moving in with his boyfriend of not even a year, but now Renjun was trying to get Yukhei to give up on the idea of having yes or no sex pillows for their bed.
"Oh wow," one of their friends joked, "Yukhei really doesn't plan on letting you go, huh."
Renjun laughs, and Yukhei tries to slap Guanheng's head, but the feeling has been mutual for a while, so they don't talk about it.
And Renjun tries to ignore it at first, until he can see from the side glances he's been taking all night long, that Jaemin detaches himself from his friend group—and now, Renjun can see Jeno and Donghyuck being there—to go somewhere further inside the house, and he can't help but want to follow.
"I'll be right back," Renjun tells his boyfriend and friends.
Yukhei looks around and when he can't find the one he's sure Renjun is looking for, "sure," is all he adds.
And Renjun departs from them, steps heavy from the confusion of what he's about to do. He's unsure even why he's doing all that; it would've been easier to just let it go, get back to Yukhei and leave that part of his life unattended forever. There had never been much closure between them, but who cared anyway? It had been over a year since he had last talked to Jaemin, since they had broken up, since they went from two back to one.
It's a house party, one Chenle was excited to throw because he had finally convinced all his roommates to be home and host it with him—otherwise, house parties were off-limits—so Renjun had to wander around locked bedrooms until he could find where Jaemin was. He tries Chenle's room, to which he finds locked—Chenle was always smart—and a few others who had either followed his steps or rooms that had been tainted with a sock on the doorknob, and Renjun couldn't even begin to fathom if Jaemin would've been inside one of those.
Luckily for him, Jaemin isn't. And by the end of the hall, the place where Renjun thought he wouldn't actually find Jaemin, he opens the door to the bathroom and hears Jaemin curse loudly for being caught off guard.
Jaemin is washing his hands by then and splashes water on the mirror when he jumps from seeing Renjun enter his space, "Jesus fuck, Renjun," he says, "don't you know how to knock?"
"Why didn't you lock the door?" He asks, "I thought there was no one inside."
"I could've been with my pants around my ankles," Jaemin deflects, wanting to put the blame on Renjun—and to some extent, it was.
"It's not like I've never seen you naked before."
The look of exasperation doesn't pass Renjun by, and he can see as Jaemin stands tall, eyes confused but also annoyed. He can see as Jaemin's stance goes from startled to uninterested, and he manages to smile down to the hands he's still washing.
"You lost the privileges to that, don't you think?"
He's not sure if Jaemin wanted to sting him with that comment, or if Renjun himself wanted that comment to sting, but it doesn't, and it's not a fact lost by any of them. Jaemin watches as Renjun blinks his eyes, wondering why would Jaemin add such an obvious comment to their conversation, and the door behind them closes again, leaving the two of them in the bathroom and the party out there forgotten.
Jaemin turns around to dry his hands on a towel they left in the bathroom and leans on the wall. Renjun notices he added extra space between them, but he doesn't say it—Jaemin likes to have his own personal space, and after being around him all those years and being inside his bubble, the distance seems alarming. Another reminder that who they were no longer existed.
"Do you need to use the bathroom?" He asks.
"I was looking for you."
Jaemin stops what he's doing—which is just fumbling with the towel—and looks over to his ex-boyfriend, distrust in his voice, "why?"
That was a mystery to Renjun as well. And it still is.
He's not sure why he was looking for Jaemin or what he was looking for in Jaemin. All he knew was that his feet brought him here, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't look over this boy, talked to him, one last time.
As the next month would come, Renjun would be gone from that city, he would have started a new life, a new job, stayed in touch with other friends, and would leave Jaemin and all their memories behind.
Jaemin, the boy who helped him with his homework from time to time, who would run around the campus and help Renjun out with his errands, who would tell him every day how lucky he was they had found each other. Jaemin, the one who he spent his formative years with, who he introduced to his parents first, and who made sure he was never lonely during weekends he could not go back to see his family.
Jaemin, this one boy. In front of him. Who Renjun was ready to leave behind.
And he felt nothing.
This isn't how they are supposed to go. Renjun thought, in the back of his mind—even when he was buying matching mugs for his new home—that Jaemin wasn't exactly someone he could shake off as easily as his other relationships.
He figured Jaemin would always be the one who posed with all the questions they would have to leave unanswered; the one he would be left wondering what could have been, who they would be now, if only they weren't so young and naive back then.
Nothing has changed that much, which doesn't come as a shock; Renjun supposes there's only so little he can turn his life around in the span of a year when he still lives in the same place and has the same routine. And Jaemin is still there, standing, looking at him as he always did. He doesn't embrace Renjun as they see each other anymore, and Renjun still can't seem to figure out whether Jaemin is wearing his favorite cologne or not. However, Jaemin still gives him his undivided attention and doesn't make any signs of leaving the room.
Whatever Renjun wanted to talk about, this was not it. He can't begin to explain why he still felt the need to chase after Jaemin when they had both made their decisions months ago and cut each other out of their lives, but the confirmation was astounding nonetheless.
It does come to Renjun as a shock the fact that the boy inside his mind isn't Jaemin at all. He's not made of flesh and bones and needs and failures; the one inside his head, the one Renjun misses, is the memory he created of Jaemin—the sweet imagination which was never part of their reality. Moreover, Renjun misses himself.
The boy inside his mind isn't Jaemin at all, but Renjun. A version where he was louder, freer, respectful of others' boundaries while still managing to break through. These days, he's lost in between the version of himself he was and who he wants to be. And no one other than Xuxi is willing to wait around until he figures himself out.
So no, Renjun doesn't feel anything. There's nothing left to feel anymore. The boy in front of him is still a bittersweet memory. Jaemin was the best and worst part of his college life; he was there when Renjun first got his internship and cried on the phone with his parents, and Jaemin was also there when the tears became sad, and they decided to call it off. If anything, the boy was Renjun's entire college life, as Renjun was his.
He can't help but feel a little disappointed that this chapter of his life is over. Once upon a time, Renjun thought that would be impossible—Jaemin was far too ingrained in his body for them to ever be able to detach from each other. But just as the future isn't set in stone, it shouldn't leave Renjun speechless when it finally happens. The one thing he's been waiting for all this time.
It happens when Renjun least expects it, too. Inside a bathroom, in the middle of a party he doesn't want to be at, watching as the boy who once meant everything to him jumps from the intrusion to his personal space. It happens, and it's as easy as breathing.
Renjun falls out of love with Jaemin.
Whoever once had told him 'out of sight, out of mind' had been lying tremendously. While he couldn't see Jaemin, he had been the one thought Renjun couldn't shake off, that one nagging in his mind where he worried if he was eating right or if he still had the habit of forgetting to change his indoor slippers for his outside shoes.
Seeing Jaemin, in all his glory, eyes without a single trace of tiredness, erect posture, and defying stance, and Renjun finally realizes he doesn't care. At least not as he once did; what Jaemin does with his life is his to give and take, and there's nothing Renjun could or wants to do about it. They were long gone, and he just never realized it.
Falling out of love isn't as scary as he thought it would be; there's no tingling in his hands or sinking feeling in his stomach, there's nothing, actually. He's numb. It's almost like he's looking at a cherished blanket from his childhood—there are good memories that come with it, but also the understanding he has outgrown that piece of comfort.
Falling out of love is quick and not at all. It took Renjun months to be where he's at, to be able to face Jaemin again with the knowledge he wouldn't crack. It's still quick because he's not so sure when it happens. It could've been months ago, when Jeno first decided to move out, and Jaemin's name didn't tug at his heartstrings anymore, when the thought of losing his best friend had overpowered everything else. It could've been a month ago, when Renjun had finally finished up the papers to his new home. It could've been a week ago, when he first started looking at engagement rings.
Or it could've been none of those situations, because falling out of love had nothing to do with others but only with the two people inside that bathroom. Love, as they found out through the years, is about commitment and timing, and they had been terrible at both.
"I don't know," Renjun admits, "it was weird, earlier, you and me."
Jaemin snickers and Renjun can't help but feel he deserves it. Of course they would be weirded out by seeing each other; of course Jaemin would be taken aback; Renjun had actively tried to hide himself and ignore Jaemin whenever they crossed paths—to the point where they didn't even have the same friend group anymore.
"I'm sorry," Jaemin still manages to say, no genuine remorse in his voice, just the numb acknowledgment, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
It's funny, because he didn't. Jaemin still doesn't. They never tethered into the uneasy side of their relationship; they got hurt, they dismissed each other's feelings, they took it for granted, maybe a little too much, but they were never uncomfortable. So maybe the falling out of love happened before they even broke up.
Maybe they had been so in synch, so aware of who they were as a couple and not as individuals, that they didn't understand the crucial ingredient to their recipe had been missing for quite a while. It culminated into hushed cries and lying in the end, but they were both there when it first happened. They were both there when Jaemin first declined Renjun's call or when Renjun faked being sick so he could stay away from his boyfriend. They were both there and they let it happen.
Renjun decides to let it slide, a shrug of shoulders to remind Jaemin they were never like that with each other, "I'm sorry I barged in here."
Jaemin smiles at that, and it's the first time that night where Renjun can finally see the boy he once fell in love with. That's Jaemin's smile for Renjun, the one conveying secrets only the two would know. Except today Renjun can't decipher what his eyes are trying to say, "I'm still used to it, don't worry."
Renjun can't be sure if the comment is aimed towards him, and how the both of them didn't actually seem to know the concept of personal space around each other, or if it's because he's sure Jaemin still lives in a dorm, with other pre-med students, and they all try to survive as best as they can. For the sake of his own sanity, Renjun decides for himself it's the latter.
For the sake of his own revelation, it has to be the latter.
"I heard you're leaving," Jaemin fills the empty bathroom when it becomes too much.
"Yeah," Renjun confirms, "got a job at a town somewhat near, though."
"Are you doing what you wanted?"
Renjun thinks about it for a moment. When they were still together, back when they first started dating, Renjun had crazy schemes and plans for his future, and they all required more courage and money than he could ever have. If that's what Jaemin is asking about, no, he's not doing what the version of Jaemin's Renjun wanted.
As he reminisces about it, maybe that Renjun would've been mad at his choices. But ultimately, Renjun is not the same person he was, and his choices are for the sake of his future, one where Jaemin isn't in it.
"Yeah," he realizes, smiling, "I am."
That does crack Jaemin a little, and it might be because he's not used to having Renjun smile so openly next to him, for him, now. He clears his throat and averts his gaze, looking for words or a way out; Renjun can't be sure of what this boy does anymore.
"I should go," Jaemin says, voice quiet, and it's hard to hear it even if they have the bathroom door closed, "my friends will start to worry."
The possessive pronoun doesn't fly past Renjun, and he wonders if Jaemin even noticed the distinction now, how their friends became his, and how Renjun became other. If he does, he doesn't let it show. He gestures for Renjun to open the door, which he complies with.
For a single second, Renjun lets himself wonder about it for one last time. He imagines how it would be like to try again, how it would be to wake up next to Jaemin and finish his days with this one boy while they order suspiciously warm sushi. He thinks about the white picket fence they once dreamed of, and Renjun coming home to find out Jaemin had taped all the episodes of the show Renjun is a writer for, how it would've been, how it could've been.
The thought comes as fast as it goes, and with a last touch to Renjun's arm, a gentle squeeze from the hand Renjun had been so accustomed to, Jaemin passes him by and leaves the bathroom.
And once again, Renjun feels nothing.
Where he should've been sad, where he wanted to feel the despair for having that book closed, he can only think of other problems in his life. How he had to change all his billing address still, how he still hadn't started thinking about how he would present himself to his new coworkers or how he would, for the first time now, look into engagement rings without the ghost of his past haunting him. How he was about to take the biggest step of his life, and he was sure of it.
So Renjun leaves the bathroom as well, and locks all the words they were supposed to say inside those four walls. There was no need for any of that; whatever that could've been, it belonged to one Na Jaemin and one Huang Renjun who no longer existed.
He leaves that room and finds Yukhei still in the same place he had been throughout the entire party, laughing the night away with their friends, and they lock gazes before Renjun can even make himself present again. They don't acknowledge what had just happened; they had enough time for the rest of their lives for it. Instead, Yukhei lifts his hand, and Renjun takes it.
And as he had never been before, Renjun can't help but feel excited about his future.
Jaemin watches as Renjun comes back to the main area of the party, watches as his eyes scan the party, not acknowledging Jaemin at all, and going directly to his new boyfriend, he watches how he lights up when they are back together.
He sees it all happen, once again. Jaemin felt it back in the bathroom, he felt it a year ago, and it's worse seeing it in front of him. Still, he can't help but watch as Renjun finds comfort in someone that isn't him, how he gives in easily and hard, and it stings the same. It's the confirmation he needed and dreaded all this time, as he remembers moments ago the look in Renjun's eyes, the indifference towards him, the surprise when the boy finally smiled back, and how his heart, his silly little heart, skips a beat like he always did when Renjun was around.
Jaemin sees it all happen, and his eyes are still glued to them when they decide to leave the party, when Jaemin sees the love of his life go out with someone that isn't him.