Chapter Text
It was cold. That was all Beomgyu could think. How cold he was.
It was almost as if he were drowning, yet, he did not want to breathe. He wanted to stay, to let it overcome him, let the water fill his lungs, his brain, drag him down, down, down deep into the darkness he had been dancing with ever since that night. Just as the darkness began to consume him Beomgyu woke up.
It was a dream.
He was still incredibly cold, his roommate must have turned up the air conditioning without his permission, not surprising.
As Beomgyu sat up in his bed, catching his breath, he thought of the dream he was having. His body felt heavy and his mind was cloudy. He slowly made his way out of his room to grab another blanket from the living room. As he entered the living room, his roommate was sat on the couch, a book in his had and a cup of tea on the table.
"Taehyun? It's two in the morning, what are you doing?" Beomgyu asked his roommate who looked up at him, his big round eyes staring at him innocently.
"It was too hot in my room so I came out here. What are you doing out of your room this late?" Taehyun questioned the brown haired boy, patiently waiting for an answer. "I was too cold," Beomgyu replied. Taehyun snickered and pat the seat next to him, inviting Beomgyu to sit next to him.
Beomgyu eyed Taehyun suspiciously and shook his head, he approached the couch but did not sit next to Taehyun, instead, he grabbed a blanket from the basket and made his way back to his room. When Beomgyu entered his room he looked in the mirror. He stood and stared at his reflection for a while before looking away.
He did not recognize himself.
The boy shook his head and crawled back into his bed and bundled up in his own little blanket cocoon. As he stared at the ceiling, begging for sleep to find him, his mind began to think of the one person that destroyed him.
/
Yeonjun was his best friend. The two met in middle school and became inseparable for years. They were an unstoppable duo for as long as he could remember. Even when they befriended Soobin and Kai, they still were closest to each other. The boys would spend every waking moment together, whether they were exploring the woods, or in Beomgyu's basement having their weekly Mario Kart tournaments, they had this aura that just spelled out 'best friends'. They stayed that way until Yeonjun told Beomgyu he was in love with Soobin.
Beomgyu knew Yeonjun would always be by his side. They had their whole life planned for the two of them. When they were 22 they planned on renting a cute apartment in the city and decorating it the most dramatic and aesthetic way possible. They were going to travel to foreign countries with each other and buy cute souvenirs. On Yeonjun's 18th birthday, Beomgyu bought him an adventure book for the two of them to put their most precious memories in. He and Yeonjun had always called themselves 'Platonic Soulmates' it was their thing, they were inseperable.
Beomgyu loved his best friend. He loved him with everything he had. Yeonjun was the person he went to in his time of need. Yeonjun was his home. So when Yeonjun told Beomgyu he was in love with their friend Soobin, he was supportive, encouraged Yeonjun to tell Soobin as long as they could stay friends. All he ever wanted was for Yeonjun to be happy and Yeonjun promised that he wouldn't let a romantic relationship affect their friendship.
Yeonjun was happy now, but without Beomgyu.
When Soobin and Yeonjun started to date, Yeonjun would text Beomgyu less and less. Their hangouts felt almost like it was a chore for Yeonjun and it scared Beomgyu. Yeonjun was his best friend, his person. So, he fought. He fought for their friendship. Beomgyu would bring Yeonjun presents and send him text messages in attempt to get Yeonjun to love him again.
But Beomgyu had always loved too fiercely.
So when Beomgyu woke up one morning to a text from his best friend telling him he was sorry and that he did not want Beomgyu to contact him anymore, Beomgyu broke. He broke because his home had just abandoned him. He broke because his best friend who promised him forever, was leaving him for a boy.
Beomgyu wanted to scream. So he did. He buried his face in his pillow and he cried. The boy cried his heart out for his best friend. All of those promises he made, with his 'best friend' were just empty promises. They were lies. Beomgyu felt a fire burning in his heart. It was painful, like someone (namely Yeonjun) had reached his hand into his heart and held it and threw it away, like he was nothing.
/
After Yeonjun cut him off, he turned to Kai. His other best friend. Kai was a sweet boy, always there for him and always had the best advice.
For a few months, Kai and Beomgyu became close with each other. However, the broken boy would not let Kai in. After Yeonjun broke his heart, he built walls around his heart. He did not want to break again.
But the boy was never good at defending his heart, so when Kai weaseled his screeching laugh into his heart, he felt a sense of comfort again, like he could be himself. He thought he had another best friend, one that would not leave him this time.
He was wrong.
Kai started to ghost him, Beomgyu didn't know why. He had done everything right, been a good friend and given his all to Kai. So after a month of Kai ignoring him, Beomgyu gave up. He was lost, he had no one again and he was all alone. The pain of losing friends was a pain that was becoming too familiar to Beomgyu and he did not want to let his heart get broken again.
Therefore, Beomgyu ran. He moved away, packed his bags and left. He figured no one would care, they had left him.
Beomgyu couldn't even look in the mirror anymore, he was broken and could no longer recognize himself.
/
He met Taehyun at his job. He worked as a Medical Assistant in a hospital while he took classes for his Master's Degree.
One day a boy came in, a couple broken fingers, he had broke them by trying to hammer signs on a pole that he was looking for a roommate. Beomgyu thought the story was ridiculous and questioned if he had needed a roommate that badly that he broke his fingers. Taehyun had scowled at him and pushed his ruffled blonde hair back with his uninjured hand. "Yes I need a roommate that bad, I am poor!" Taehyun had said to him. Beomgyu let out a chuckle "Me too," he agreed, an idea popping into his head. "Ill be your roommate"
That's how Beomgyu found himself staring in the mirror again, at two in the morning. He still didn't know who that person was. When he looked at his reflection all he could see was the hurt he had been through. He saw Yeonjun and Soobin and Kai laughing at him, telling him he was nothing.
It was his own fault really, it was his fault for loving too fiercely.
.
Winter had long passed. It was summer now and Beomgyu was beginning to feel better. It had been three years since his friends abandoned him and he finished school, finally able to work a stable job. He still lived with Taehyun, he felt comfortable with the now brown haired boy, but not comfortable enough to open up to him about those dark feelings inside him. Taehyun took care of him. If Taehyun ever came home to find Beomgyu on the couch, the darkness holding his brain, he would not hesitate to sit with Beomgyu, hold him until he felt better. The best part was that Taehyun rarely questioned Beomgyu when he was sad, he knew his roommate was curious but he would not pushed him to talk.
Taehyun was a constant in Beomgyu's life yet, he would never let him in no matter how hard Taehyun tried to knock down those walls.
However, there were nights where Taehyun would ask Beomgyu why he cried so often and Beomgyu would not tell him, opting for running away to his room leaving the question ignored.
Some days the darkness was not kind to Beomgyu and clouded his brain until he sent himself into a panic, he would struggle to breathe. He felt like he was drowning. Quite frequently, Taehyun came to his rescue. He would hold Beomgyu until he could breathe again and assure him he was okay.
One day, Beomgyu came home to see Taehyun sitting on the couch, holding a thick book in his hands he recognized all to well, the adventure book. That stupid book he had made when he was a kid that he couldn't throw away because it would have hurt too bad.
"I uh, I found this... in your room. I was doing laundry and it just was there," Taehyun stuttered as he looked at Beomgyu's shocked expression. "That's mine! Why would you look at this? It doesn't belong to you!" Beomgyu was shouting, his breath becoming ragged. His eyes darted around the room, looking for something to focus on to calm him down.
"Hey, hey Beomgyu breathe, you're okay. I'm sorry, youre just always sad and I.. I don't know I wanted to help and this looked like it might tell me something about you and I-" Taehyun paused his speech as he looked to Beomgyu, he was looking in the book now, tears falling on the old pages. Beomgyu looked up at Taehyun and spoke, "He was my best friend and he broke me Taehyun,"
"He broke me. I am broken," Beomgyu said, a laugh leaving his mouth at the end of his sentence.
Taehyun stood confused as the crying boy retreated to his room, the door locking behind him.
Beomgyu sat in his room, he had just threw the stupid book out of his window, hoping it fell in that puddle in front of their building he stepped in every morning. He wanted to disappear. He almost knocked down all of those walls he spent years building, just for Taehyun.
'He will leave you too,' was all Beomgyu was telling himself. Beomgyu believed he was not lovable. After he moved away from his hometown, he tried dating. He wasn't sure what he liked so he dated a couple girls and a few boys. However, it was the same with every person he dated, they grew bored of him and left him he figured Taehyun would do the same if he let him in.