Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So whos the girl you met Kacchan?” Deku blushed. “Is it that pretty girl over there” he nodded in the direction of an emo girl who was a barista there who was busy pouring salt into someone’s cappuccino. Whoever ordered it must have been gay af. 

“No Shitty Deku she’s obviously a lesbian, you fucking lesbophobe,” said Bakugo visciously. “Im not even dating the girl. I wanted to fistfight her.”

“Oh thats just like you Kacchan” Deku giggled gayly. Deku was gay af so maybe he was the one who ordered the cappuccino. Bakugo didnt even know why he was hanging out with him because he wanted to beat him to death since they were kids but his probation officer said that if he tried to kill him another time he’d have to go back to prison and Bakugo didnt want to go back to the pokey.

“Oh there she is.” Bakugo said as a busty purple haired bimbo breasted boobily into the shop. “Anyway im going to go ask her now.”

“Good luck Kacchan” Deku purred as he fixed his cat ears headband. (He was a catboy).

“Hey bimbo.” Bakugo said as he walked up to Rize. “Fight me in the alley tonight.” Bakugo didnt think it would be bad if he got into a fight with this girl because his probation officer never said anything about beating up women.

“Ummmm okay,” Rize said.

~That Night…~

“Tch, you really came, bitch.” Bakugo said misogynistically.

“Yeah I sure did.” Rize said. Then big red tentacles came out of her huge ass!

“Woah I thought we were fistfighting!” Bakugo cried,

“No. I’m going to eat you.” Rize smiled as her eyes turned black and red. Then Bakugo cried in pain as he was slapped by the tentacles… and then he heard steel beams falling and he died.

~Just kidding!~

Bakugo woke up in the hospital, his eye felt like it was twtiching, well that was weird! Anyway a nurse came in and was like, “do you want this food?”

“Im not hungry” Bakugo said smelling the awful food but he was actually telling the truth…”anyway did shitty deku come by…”

“Midoriya? Your friend?” the nurse frowned. “Yeah he was kind of a freak… kept saying ‘nya’... but you were still asleep so you couldnt see him.”

“Tch shitty deku/….” Bakugo said. He was glad he wasnt awake to see Deku because he hated that gay little freak.

Later he got discharged from the hospital and he felt hungry now, weird he wasnt hungry earlier. Then he smelled something tasty… “woah that smells tasty,” he said to himself aloud getting a weird glance from a dude on the street.

He followed the smell and started to run after it and then he found a dead body. “Is this all it is, tch,” he said, not even being shocked by the body as he had definitely killed people before. “Why does it smell so good though.”

“Did you not know your a fucking ghoul?” The emo ;lesbian from earlier said walking up to him “why is one of your eyes red?”

“Both of them are red idiot,” Bakugo said, he knew what color his eyes were. Touka beat the shit out of him and left him in the alleyway.

~~~~~~

“Kacchan? Kacchan?” A familiar voice called. “Wake up kacchan youre bleeding!” He felt someone shaking him around like a ragdoll.

“Waht the fuck is it?” Bakugo said. “Don't fucking touch me. Gross.”

“Its me Deku” the little freak said smiling shyly. “I was passing by for no reason and I found you here and I got so worried, youre covered in blood” He was wearing his stupid Naruto costume that his mom bought him on ebay for like 500 yen and a steven universe tshirt. He looked entirely swagless. No drip at all.

“Tch… It’s fine…” Bakugo said but he didn’t feel fine. He smelled the body still nearby and it was intoxicating…

“Umm, there’s a dead body here, that’s kind of awkward, right” Deku rubbed the back of his neck. “Anyway it’s probably dangerous here we should get out”

“Yeah okay” bakugou said. Some kind of instinct told him he should eat the body but that was gross and anyway, shitty deku was here.

“I’d treat your wounds but blood really grosses me out,” Deku said.

“Okay.” bakugo said. They walked back to bakugos apartment, which he had since he was 30 years old.

“I’m sure yuo can take care of yourself Kacchan,” Deku said, shittily.

“Okay bye,” Bakugo said. But he didn’t go inside. He saw a guy with black hair holding a book nearby and was suddenly filled with an insatiable bloodlust. Even though Deku wasn’t even 50 meters away, he somehow didn’t see Bakugo instinctively jump on the black haired man, and pull him into a nearby alley way, and eat him.

“What have I done?” Bakugo said as he realized he just killed and ate a guy. Then he looked at the guy’s face and thought yeah, this guy is nerdy and shitty just like Deku, he probably won’t be missed. Anyway he put the rest of the body in a dumpster and went into his apartment and went straight to bed feeling much better.

Chapter Text

Bakugo went back to that coffee shop. He briefly caught a glimpse of an extremely depressed looking bottle blond college student before Touka physically kicked him out of the shop. “I told you im not gonna help you put up missing posters for your shitty boyfriend. Hes not even missing its been like 8 hours.” She said as she slammed the door behind him. 

“Hey shitty emo lesbian.” Bakugo said as he walked up to her, he was going to kill her for beating him up the other day but suddenly some fool dressed like a waiter walked in between them and stopped him from getting closer to her.

“Who the fuck are you, gayass” He growled at the stranger, he really wanted to punch him in the face but he looked really gay and he didnt want to get sued for another hate crime. The gayass looked like prince zuko from avatar the last airbender but with a shitty split dye. Bakugo wondered why everyone he met was swagless as fuck. 

“I work here you dickhead...” the gay bitch replied in a monotone voice. He was carrying a tray with a single cappuccino on it, it reminded bakugo of shitty gay deku and made him incredibly angry so he smacked it and made it spill all over split dye zuko. 

The gay waiter started crying and ran out of the room screaming. Bakugo laughed because he liked making gay people cry 

"omg what's your fucking damage" touka asked and started smacking him around, Bakugo tried to bite her and she punched him in the face and knocked one of his teeth out. 

An old man walked in as touka performed the tombstone piledriver on Bakugo (A piledriver is a professional wrestling driver move in which the wrestler grabs their opponent, turns them upside-down, and drops into a sitting or kneeling position, driving the opponent head-first into the mat. This variation of a belly-to-belly piledriver refers to any belly-to-belly piledriver that involves the wrestler holding the opponent in a belly-to-belly position, then falling to a kneeling position.)

"Touka please stop practicing your wwe moves on the customers" the old man said as he picked bakugo up from the scruff of his neck and set him on the counter like some kind of fucked up small animal. "is this the ghoul with one red eye you almost beat to death?" he asked oldly. Bakugo didn't get why everyone was saying he had one red eye when he was born with two of them. His mom told him his eyes were red because she kept smoking weed when she was pregnant. Like a cool mom. 

“Damn why the fuck did i even come here,” Bakugo said out loud to himself, but loudly. “This is where i met that bimbo who turned out to be a ghoul anyway.”

“Wait didn’t Rize die in that accident? And the doctor put her organs in the dipshit she was hunting?” Touka said.

“Indeed, that means this guy used to be human but now he’s a ghoul. Pity he survived that,” the old man said wisely.

“I’m fine I ate already” Bakugo said.

“Wait what” Said Touka. Wouldn’t a human have been disgusted with himself if he had to eat other humans?

“Yeah I saw this shitty nerd with black bangs and I ate him,” Bakugo said casually. They were still in the main part of the coffee shop, but everyone else was too absorbed in their delicious coffee to notice or care.

“Fucker we can’t have you killing willy nilly!” Touka whisper screamed. Just then the bell rang announcing a new customer.

“Kacchan!!!!!!” Deku shrieked, cracking one of the windows. “I didn’t think you would be back here so soon!”

“Hi Deku,” Bakugo said flirtily but angrily.

Just then the old man stepped in front of Deku. “Young man you’re going to have to pay for the window,” he said. “It’s probably going to total to like, 10,000,000 yen.”

“Oh fudge!” Deku burst into tears and ran out. Bakugo felt an obligation to follow him. He felt Touka’s murderous gaze on his back as he sprinted out

He caught up to Deku in no time at all, because Bakugo was a ghoul now and had superior physical capabilities, and also because Deku didn’t work out at all. “Hey Deku what are you going to do about the window.” He said.

“I dont know Kacchan.” Deku whimpered. “Even though I’m 30 years old, I still don’t make a steady income and I think the last time my mom covered the cost of a window that broke when i yelled, she said it would be her last time.”

“Deku you could become a twitch streamer.” Bakugo said helpfully.

“I could,” Deku said gayly… “I have been a pro Papa’s Sushiria player for a few years now, i guess i could build my brand on that...”

Bakugo scoffed homosexually at the thought of someone streaming themselves on twitch playing a flash game. If anyone could do something so stupid it would be shitty deku. 

"I heard you guys were talking about becoming twitch streamers" a voice said from behind them, followed by clown noises. Bakugo and deku turned around and saw a 3d white guy with a thick ass. 

"oh shoot!!! Bakugo it's the king of twitch, jerma985!!!!!" Deku was just saying words now. Bakugo was very confused because hed never seen anyone who wasn't a flat anime character and also because he didn't know that white people were real. 

"thats right it's me Jerma from the internet, it seems like you kids need a little help with Kickstarting your twitch carreer" The dummy thick streamer said as the bells on his jester hat jingled faintly every time he moved.

Bakugo gave him a murderous stare hoping that the idiot would catch on and skidaddle out of the way, but the man kept staring at them with a sus smile on his face. 

"No we don't im not trying to become a streamer im normal. also why are you calling us kids were like the same age" Bakugo barked like a dog. the white man looked really confuzzled at his words. 

"Idk man you're just a couple of little cartoon guys and also you're wearing some kind of high school uniform? how was i supposed to know." Jerma said. "anyway i can promo you on my twitch channel i,m, heh, kind of a big deal…" his dump truck ass wobbled as he spoke.

"i would be honored jerma985!!!" Said deku. "I found a gaming pc in the dumpster so Ill go set that up. Here is my discord tag" he whispered something into jerma's ear. Even with bakugo's new ghoul hearing he couldnt decipher what he said.

"Got it." Jerma said and winked audibly. Deku went back in his underground tunnel network without so much as a goodbye to Bakugo who now felt very alone. He sat on a nearby bench and fell into a depression.

~Deku Time!~

Deku emerged from his mole tunnel into his bedroom where he whipped out his new gaming pc which was covered in flesh eating fungus from the dumpster. He opened discord and saw a friend request from THE one and only jerma985!! He was overjoyed. He accepted the request and started setting up his twitch channel. Jerma had told him he would feature him on his among us stream in a couple hours.

Just then Deku realized that he had left Bakugo. He dialed up the bitch.

"Hey Kacchan sorry I ditched you. Do you want to play Among us with me and Jerma?"

"What the fuck is amogus?" Said bakugo.

"Well its a game you can get it for free on your own. It will be funny if you play with me and Jerma," Deku said.

"Okay Deku." Kacchan said depressedly over the phone. He showed up to Dekus house thirty seconds later, Deku didn't think to question it because he was so fixated on amongus, but Bakugo had super speed from being a ghoul now.

"I installed the app." Said bakugo holding up Among Us.

"Great!" Deku said audibly. "The stream is in 30 minutes i will invite you to the discord call."

"Why is there flesh eating fungus on you?" Bakugo asked. The fungits was gently nibbling on Dekus forearm. Bakugo felt kind of jealous but like whatever. 

"Oh i didnt even notice haha! That was on my laptop but I didnt think it would be dangeous" Dkeu said. "its actuallt kind of cute" the fungits was growing bigger. absorbing nutrience from Dekus skin.

"Deku you dumb bitch it's eating you alive" Bakugo growled like an angry anime character. 

"its ok, I forgive it." Deku sighed happily. His face twisted in agony. "its cause i found the gaming pc in a dumpster i bet, there was also a half eaten corpse in there which was kind of gross, but the gaming pc was the only thing that really mattered"

Bakugo got a friend request on discord. "Who the fuck is Travis Mcelroy?" he asked. His profile picture looked like a conservatives caricature of a male feminist. 

"Umm idk? Maybe hes a friend of Jerma?" Deku wondered. "Maybe he will play among us with us."

bakugo didnt accept the friend request however. He literally never accepted discord friend requests. He was in a lot of different servers but didn't have any friends in any of them, he was actually blocked by multiple people inside those servers for calling them homophobic slurs. Tch, whatever, some people just couldn't take a joke. 

He was bored waiting for the stream so he decided toget up and see what snacks Deku had in the fridge, like he always did. It wasnt until he opened the fridge and lay his eyes on his favorite Mountain Dew Baja Blast that he remembered that he was a ghoul now and he couldnt have any more Mountain Dew Baja Blast. He didnt realize how long he was standing there looking in the fridge being depressed about not being able to have Mountain Dew Baja Blast until he heard Deku call "Kacchan!!! Its stream time!!!"

Bakugo joined the discord call Deku invited him to and the Among us room code he gave him not knowing what the fuck was going on. He was playing an orange bean guy? It was hard to tell with his tiny phone screen.

"Whats up Jermalings today were joined by a new guest, Griffinpuff1991, go check out his twitch channel!" Jerma said sexily over discord. Deku made a tiny annoying squeak.

"What the fuck is this game" Bakugo said.

"Language Kacchan!!!" Deku whimpered. "Sorry everyone this is my friend, Hes never played amoongus before."

"Well this should be fairly simple." A smug sounding voice said over discord. Wait who is this Light guy?

"Also let me introduce our other guests," Jerma said. "This is Light and the world famous L, and Travis Mcelroy."

"We're using this game as practice for the Kira investigation." An indistinguishable jumble of voices said.

What the fuck is Kira. Who is this L guy, Bakugo thought, but he intelligently kept his mouth shut.

"Hey everyone it's your favorite dm Travis Mcelroy here with some new games and friends" Travis Mcelroy said, his voice sounded like it was generated by a computer program trying to create the most annoying sound known to man. 

"This is going to be so fun Kacchan!" Deku said leaning away from his mic but it was still an open mic so discord picked it up and it echoed onto Jerma's stream.

They started playing the game and bakugo didn't understand any of it he just walked around until everyone else was dead or whatever. He was barely paying attention to the voice chat, but Travis kept doing this really annoying baby voice. One time instead of “crewmate” at the beginning of the game he saw “impostor” and his name was red and he found out he could kill people, so he killed Jerma in the middle of a room full of people. Immediately someone reported the body and a voting screen showed up.

“So it’s hard to tell who killed Jerma because everyone else was there and it could have been anybody,” Deku observed.

“Right…” said Light. “I’d like to vote off Travis though just because this little baby is really annoying.”

“Hold on guys, this isn’t fun for me,” Travis interjected. “Since we’re doing this for an audience, and they want to see us play the game, it wouldn’t be as fun if we didn’t play it right.”

“What?” Deku asked, even he was fucking bewildered.

“Like, making accusations without any proof, that’s not the way the game is supposed to be played, and it’s kind of toxic, like I’m not having fun.”

“Dude we told you to shut the ff… to shut up with that baby voice like a bunch of times and you didn’t listen to us.” Bakugo pointed out smartly.

“But I’m just saying… it’s not like, fun for us to not play the game right, accusing someone of something they didn’t do, that’s controlling and that’s something bad people do,” Travis was like, repeating himself, and he didn’t even acknowledge what Bakugo said. Just then jerma pulled out a gun and shot him which was really weird since they weren't even in the same room, and Jerma was dead. 

"Oh my gosh jerma you just killed Travvy!!!!!!" Deku shriek causing a crack to form on Bakugos phone screen, this was the third time it happened that week. 

"omg don't be such a baby griffinpuff1991 i kill people all the time" Jerma said in an annoyed voice. 

"Yeah deku grow up killing people's not a big deal" Bakugo nodded. Then light started asking some weird questions about his and jermas full names and their correct spelling and he laughed maniacally a couple of times and L started debating with him about his suspicions and things got really awkward so Jerma decided to end the stream early so he could run from the cops. 

"Well since the stream is over i guess we could grab something to eat. Do you want to go to McDonald's kacchan? I heard they have an among us meal now!" Deku giggled gayly. 

Bakugo wanted to say yes because he was definitely sure that whoever told deku that they had an amogus meal at McDonald's was fucking with him and also because he wanted an oreo mcflurry but then he remembered that he was a ghoul. 

"No i can't i have to do my math homework" He lied very intelligently. He was so smart, deku would never see through his lie. 

"But kacchan weve been out of school for over 10 years!" Deku pointed out,which was very out of character because deku was as dumb as a fucking brick. 

"Holy shit deku just shut the fuck up i don't wanna go to McDonald's with you, you stupid cunt! " Bakugo yelled at the top of his lungs, and deku made an annoying little sound like some kind of mouse before retreating into his mole tunnel. Bakugo took some money from his piggy bank and left.

Chapter Text

Bakugo was skulking around because his new ghoul instincts told him to skulk. He found himself at the local Mcdonalds and looked in the window. Deku was there and with his enhanced ghoul hearing Bakugo heard:

"Hi yeah can I have the among us meal" Deku said.

"Sure." Said the cashier. Wait, it was that split dye Zuko guy again, what the fuck.? Wait, was the Amogus meal actually real?

"Thank you." Said Deku politely. Split dye Zuko took something out from under the counter which Deku took. He turned around and Bakugo could see it was an Among us bag. He couldnt believe it. He watched Deku take the bag to  a table and remove the contents. There was a fucking among us shaped burger and among us shaped fries!! What the hell!?

Bakugo ran away, wiping tears from his face. He couldn't believe there was an actual among us meal at McDonalds and he couldn't have it. 

After running while sobbing for a while he found himself in front of the shitty cafe again. He felt really angry because that was the place where he met that bimbo that tried to kill him and when he woke up from that he was a ghoul. And also the emo lesbian and split dye zuko worked there which was even worse. 

Bakugo was so angry that he picked up a large rock and threw it at the window, forgetting that dekus ungodly shriek had already shattered it earlier that day. The rock flew through the empty window frame and hit Touka in the head. 

"Ah shit…" Bakugo grumbled to himself as touka started climbing out of the window ready to kill him in the middle of the street, but someone grabbed her by the scruff of her neck before she could actually get out of the building. 

"Touka how many times have i told you not to attack and kill people out in the streets…" The old man from earlier said as touka kicked and punched the air in a blind rage. 

"This motherfucker threw a rock at me, hes also a pussy and i hate him so why shouldn't i kill him??" touka was screaming really loudly and people were starting to look out of their windows to see what was happening. 

"He is a half ghoul that's very epic don't you think?" the old man said and smiled. "Come on young man let me offer you a nice coffee" 

Bakugo tsked like an anime punk. "I can't drink coffee im a ghoul now" He said smugly. They were all talking loudly about ghoul stuff but all the people watching thought this was some kind of larping so they weren't worried. 

"Well ghouls can drink coffee so it's fine" touka chimed in, she was still being held like a feral cat but she seemed used to it. 

"What? That doesn't make any sense. How is it even possible??" Bakugo asked in disbelief, he thought ghouls couldn't consume any human food which was why he ran from the McDonald's crying like a little baby. 

"Idk man i guess its because coffee tastes like shit to humans too or something." Said the old man. "Can you come inside now im getting tired of holding this fucked up lesbian with just one arm. im old and stuff you know" 

“Ugh fine I guess,” Bakugo said. He stomped angrily behind the old man who was still carrying the fucked up lesbian like a cat.

Once they were inside, the old man put Touka down. “Get back to work. We have coffee to make,” he said. That was a really weird thing to say since it was the middle of the night and the cafe was closed but bakugo couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of ghoul interactions. Then, he turned to Bakugo. “Come to the back; I think I can help you with some stuff.”

Bakugo tched again. He hated being ordered around by some old geezer, but he didn’t have anything better to do, so he decided to follow this old dude to the storage area of the cafe. When the two of them got to the storage room, the old man said, “My name is Yoshimura, and I own this cafe. Your weird little boyfriend broke my window and I need for it to be fixed so I would appreciate it if you would work for me until the debt is paid off. Also you’re a half ghoul now so you need human flesh and I can help with that.

Bakugo blushed angrily. “He’s not my boyfriend you dumbass. He’s really annoying and I hate him. Deku needs to learn to fix his own messes, so I’m not going to work off his debt. I need my own money though and also human flesh, so I’ll take the job. I guess.” He scoffed again to emphasize that he didn’t want to be here.

“Geez, someone has an attitude problem,” Yoshimura said. “I can pay you directly but I do really need that money from that kid because it’s probably against some building code to have the window just broken like that. Anyway, I’ll get someone to train you since it’s the middle of the night and if you fuck up it won’t matter since no one is here. Hopefully they can fix your attitude too.” Yoshimura went to find someone to train Bakugo.

Bakugo stood there waiting in the storage room. While he was waiting, Touka had to come back there to get a broom to clean the seating area with. When she saw Bakugo she hissed at him because she was still mad about the rock thing, but who wouldn’t be? Bakugo barked at her.

Right after Touka left, Yoshimura came back with a white-haired man who looked to be in his mid-twenties. The man was wearing all black and an apron. For some reason, he was wearing a blindfold. “This is Gojo. He’s going to train you on how to work here,” said Yoshimura.

Gojo waved at Bakugo, but Bakugo snarled at Gojo. “I hate this guy already. Why is he wearing a blindfold in a setting around hot liquids that he could easily spill on himself?” Bakugo asked. This was a surprisingly astute observation for Bakugo to make. It probably wasn’t very safe for Gojo to be walking around blindfolded all the time, especially if he was carrying hot coffee.

“We have to keep him blindfolded, actually. If we let him have his eyes out it scares the customers away. We actually almost went out of business when he was first hired, but then Kakashi, another one of my employees, said we should just put a blindfold on him. And it worked, surprisingly,” Yoshimura said.

Gojo lifted up his blindfold as if to demonstrate Yoshimura’s point. Bakugo recoiled in fear, and he understood why he had that blindfold on, even if it wasn’t safe. “I have spilled a lot of coffee, but with my overpowered ability I make sure I never get burned,” Gojo said. “It was so smart of Kakashi to suggest that.” Gojo blushed when he mentioned Kakashi. It made Bakugo hate him even more.

“Enough talk. Gojo, go teach Bakugo how to make coffee. I’m going to go get some human flesh for everyone.” Yoshimura left the cafe, and Gojo and Bakugo were left alone to make coffee. Bakugo stared at Gojo with murderous intent, but Gojo couldn’t tell because he was blindfolded and it was kind of dim in the storage room.

“Well, let’s teach you how to make some of my favorite drinks they serve here. Follow me to the front, and we can get started!” Gojo seemed really enthusiastic for working at a coffee shop in the middle of the night.

Bakugo followed Gojo but in a way that suggested that he did not want to be following Gojo. When they got to the place where the baristas made the drinks, Gojo turned to Bakugo and said, “To get started, I’ll teach you how to make my favorite thing: a--”

“A pink drink?” Bakugo cut Gojo off with a sneer. Gojo looked at him, mouth hanging open in devastation. How could this mean blond weirdo know this about him just by looking?

“Yeah. Uh. A pink drink. They’re GOOD okay? Coffee is a little too strong for me even with the cream and sugar and everything but pink drinks are just perfect.,” Gojo said. He didn’t wait for Bakugo to respond and started making one. Bakugo then realized that pink drinks didn't have any coffee in them. 

"Wait so you're not a ghoul?" he asked in confusion "Why the fuck do you work here then" 

Gojo giggled gayly "Um i just think this place is really cute.. and i can take a lot of ~aesthetic~ pictures for my Instagram teehe…" 

“Can you shut up already and teach me how to make coffee. Please,” Bakugo said.

Gojo rolled his eyes and limped his wrist at Bakugo. “Fine, I guess. I’ll make myself a pink drink some other time. Now for coffee.” He got out all the supplies to do the pour over method of making coffee, but before putting everything together and heating up the water he just looked at the stuff in confusion.

“You don’t actually know how to do this do you,” Bakugou said.

Gojo looked like he was going to say something in response, but then another white haired man appeared behind him, but this time he had on a mask instead of a blindfold. “Don’t worry Gojo. I know how coffee works, and your shift is over anyway. I can take over from here,” said the man.

Gojo looked at the clock on the wall, then back at the other man. “Oh, you’re right Kakashi!! Teehee… Guess I should get going. Good luck with training Bakugo, he has so many issues,” Gojo said. He left the cafe, but not before making himself a pink drink and taking a couple selfies with it and with Kakashi. Kakashi appeared unamused, but he didn’t make any effort to tell Gojo to stop.

“Okay, now that Gojo is gone, I’ll teach you how to make coffee,” Kakashi said. He put together the contraption to make pour over coffee, heated up some water, put the coffee grounds in the filter, then began to pour the water. He lifted the headband he was wearing over one eye, so he could use his sharingan to be as precise as possible. “Make sure you watch closely, little weirdo.”

Bakugo acted uninterested, but he needed the money, so he was really paying attention. It didn’t seem that hard, so once Kakashi was done making that cup, he pushed him out of the way to try.

Bakugo set everything up like he saw Kakashi do, then started to make the coffee. But he went too fast when pouring the water, and the filter ripped. Touka saw this happening while she was sweeping, and she pointed and laughed at him. “This guy doesn’t even know how to make coffee right!!” she shouted. Kakashi joined in on making fun of Bakugo. “Epic fail!!!!” both of them shouted in unison.

Bakugo got really angry at them. “THAT WAS MY FIRST TRY YOU INCONSIDERATE PRICKS!!!!” he yelled. This only made Touka and Kakashi laugh harder. Bakugo just stood there, seething, trying not to unleash his quirk on them. In other circumstances, he would have, but he needed money, so he decided now wasn’t the time to get fired. “Let me try again.”

“Okay, let’s see if you can do any better,” Touka said. She stopped sweeping to watch Bakugo make coffee and heckled him while he was making it. Kakashi stopped paying attention to Bakugo and summoned one of his dogs and started playing fetch with it since there were no customers.

This time, Bakugo managed to make the coffee without messing up. When he finished, Kakashi stopped playing fetch with his dog in the middle of the cafe and tried the coffee. He drank the coffee through his mask. He gave a thumbs up to Bakugo. “I think you’re ready to start working. This tastes fine to me. Here’s an apron, so customers know you actually work here,” Kakashi said.

Bakugo was secretly very proud of himself. He angrily took the apron from Kakashi and put it on. He was officially an employee of Anteiku, and he could learn what was up with this ghoul business. Touka was still making fun of him though, which cut Bakugo’s moment of self-satisfaction short. He turned around and threw one of his shoes at her, but she threw her huge platform boot (which she had been wearing the whole time) at him first which could have knocked him out if he didn’t dodge it.

"Ahah you kids with your platform shoe throwing fights… Reminds me of when i was a teenager" Kakashi reminisced with a nostalgic look in his eyes. Eye. Sorry about that. 

"Im literally thirty years old" bakugo raged.

"Idk couldve fooled me." Kakashi said. Then Touka threw her other platform book at Bakugo and this one hit his head, knocking him out.

Chapter Text

Bakugo woke up in a very soft bed.

"Hey you, you're finally awake," an annoying voice said from his right. It was Gojo sitting at his bedside. "You got knocked out when Touka threw her boot at you and briefly had a concussion but you have super ghoul healing now so you're fine. Anyway, it's your first day at work. Get up." 

Bakugo got out of bed. He was in the back part of Anteiku. How did they have such soft beds but not windows strong enough to withstand a scream??

After getting dressed in his uniform he went out to the shop where Touka greeted him with a hiss. Bakugo growled back. Then a customer walked up to the counter where Bakugo was standing and he realized he was supposed to say something.

"What the fuck do you want." Bakugo said. Touka shoved him out of the way, giving him a menacing look. "That's not how you talk to customers, asshole!" she hissed at him. Then she turned around to greet the customer herself, and blushed when she saw who it was.

"Um, hi Touka," the customer, a girl around Touka's age, said. "Your new coworker is kind of shit. Anyway, I'll just have my usual."

"YEAH, OF COURSE YORIKO!!" Touka said very loudly, kicking Bakugo on the ground. She went to the back to get the canned tomato soup, sand, ghost peppers, and mint leaves that Yoriko liked in her coffee.

Yoriko craned her neck to look at Bakugo on the ground, probably psychoanalyzing him already. Bakugo got up and quickly turned away, pretending to make coffee.

"Get out of the way motherfucker," Touka said pushing him aside. She was now holding the ingredience for Yoriko's """"usual"""" and needed to use the coffee machine. Bakugo stood back and watched her. She put the whole ghost peppers and mint leaves in a gigantic mug, then put the sand in the coffee machine thing instead of the coffee beans, and poured the canned tomato soup over it instead of water. Sandy soup came out of the machine and into the mug with the other flavorings. Then she took some whole coffee beans and poured them on top.

"It's perfect, thank you Touka," Yoriko said as Touka handed the mug to her. She placed the mug in front of her at the counter, stirring it absentmindedly.

Touka glared at Bakugo who was still just standing there. "Go take someone's order, asshole," she said, obviously wanting him to leave. He left to do his job shittily.

"So Touka," Yoriko said. "There's this new streamer that Jerma promoted."

"Oh?" Touka asked, she wasn't a fan of twitch streamers, but yoriko really liked them and of course touka liked to hear her talk about anything.

"Yeah his name is griffinpuff1991, he's kind of annoying, but Travis McElroy died while he was on stream so that was fun” Yoriko took a huge gulp of her “usual.”

Oh. Touka knew who Travis McElroy was. “I think it’s good that he died.” She said. Yoriko nodded in agreement.

"Are you guys talking about the dipshit that i playes amogus with yesterday? He was a total idiot!" Bakugo yelled from the other side of the cafe. Touka instinctively threw an empty mug at him but he skillfully dodged it and it crashed on the wall behind him and shattered into a million pieces. Literally nobody in the cafe was paying attention to this. 

"anyway touka do you want to go to the abandoned clown factory next friday?" Yoriko asked.

Touka blushed. Would this be like a d-d-d-date?!?!? "Of course!!!!" She said. She wasnt sure why Yoriko wanted to go there but it might be fun who knows...

~Meanwhile in Dekus underground tunnel network ~

"Wow, that among us meal was so tasty, it's too bad kacchan had to leave early, he would have loved it!" Deku said out loud to no one in particular as he scuttled around in one of his many tunnels. "Now that I think about it, kacchan has been acting kinda weird ever since the traumatic accident that led to his organ transplant from a mysterious girl no one had heard of before…" He trailed off absent-mindedly. 

He kept making his way through the tunnel for a while until his phone started ringing. He looked at the screen (which was cracked from all the times he shrieked so loud) and saw that it was his dad Killua calling him so he picked up. 

"Hi dad" he said cheerfully. "How are you and Pa doing?" 

The man on the other end of the line made a "tsk" sound like some kind of tsundere character. 

"Same as always" Killua coughed into the receiver. He had been a chain smoker ever since Deku was born for some reason. "Listen son, I saw your twitch collab with Jerma and I have to say i'm really proud of you. I never thought you'd be successful like your brothers because you're such a dipshit but maybe i was wrong…" 

"My brothers? Dad what are you talking about i don't have any brothers!" Deku laughed nervously. He was an only child which made things a lot harder for him when Killua and Gon abandoned him in a walmart parking lot and he got adopted by the lady trying to sell people expired coupons behind the store. Thankfully a few years later his parents finally realized that they'd left him there so they started looking for him and eventually found him being attacked by a swarm of wasps that came out of the nest kacchan threw at him. 

"Ah shit… did we forget to tell you? Well yeah you have two younger brothers, they're twins, we decided to give them up for adoption when you were too young to remember since you were a really fucked up baby and we wanted them to have a chance at a normal life.. Now they're pro volleyball players."

Deku was in shock, he had two brothers that hed never known about! Not only that, but they were much more successful than he could ever aspire to be!! 

"But wait… If you gave them up for adoption how do you know that they became professional volleyball players??" Deku asked in disbelief. Maybe this was one of his fathers pranks, like that one time they went to Disneyland and they got banned because he tased goofy. That was such a weird prank now that he was thinking about it. 

"We saw them the other day on the news and we immediately recognized them because of their unique Anime hair that is a defining characteristic of someone so we decided, so we decided to contact them and they said they're going to visit us next friday." 

"oh, okay… Should i um… should i come?" Deku asked hesitantly, he knew his parents lived in the abandoned clown factory nearby and lived by hunting and eating the failed clown experiments, but it might be a chance to meet his estranged brothers.

"Yea. Sure. Why not" Killuas aged voice rasped through the speakers. "anyway, next friday. Make sure you bring something to defend yourself, you know how it is in the clown factory."

"Yea I know dad" Deku said, eyeing his shotgun. It had been a while since he had to use it but the clowns never really seemed to go away, a side effect of the experiment being that they just kept glooping into existence around the place. They were a really good source of most of the nutrients you need if you knew how to hunt them though, like his dad and pa.

Chapter Text

Touka and Yoriko stood in front of the abandoned clown factory. It looked like this:

"Isnt it exciting Touka?" Yoriko asked excitedly holding Toukas hands.

"Uh yeah, sure" Touka said. The place looked like a place one of those ghoul gangs would hide out in, except that it was full of clownbominations so ghouls didn't really go there. She was surprised Yoriko was unfazed.

"this is for the clowns." Yoriko said pulling two baseball bats out of her pocket. Touka was taken aback as she was assuming that if they were attacked by a clown, she would heroically save Yoriko with her kagune to dramatically reveal she was a ghoul. But she took the baseball bat anyway. It had nails stuck in it like in those zombie apocalypse games. "Okay I think we're ready to go in." Said yoriko.

They went in one of the tubes. It smelled like mold and pee and… something else Touka couldn't quite place. They had to crouch to fit in, and Yoriko's dress was getting dirty. Touka wondered why she wore it to the abandoned clown factory.

They emerged from the tube into a large dark room. They couldn't see anything, but they were on edge and could hear some sloshing noises. Touka cautiously moved forward a bit and…

BLAM!

It was a shotgun noise. Touka was hit right in the middle of her forehead, but the bullets just bounced off her ghoul skin. Out of the shadows, fucking Deku emerged.

"Watch where you're pointing that thing, asshole!" Touka growled. "Why are you here anyway?"

"Umm im pretty sure i hit something. must have missed. Sorry." Deku said. "Anyway I'm here to visit my parents. They live here, and i have to navigate this clown filled maze in order to visit them. Since you're here too, do you want to team up? It'll be safer."

"Oh for fucks sake…" Touka grumbled. She glanced at Yoriko who was grimacing. It didn't seem like she liked the idea of deku accompanying them either, but if he didn't he might actually shoot Yoriko and kill her. Touka considered killing Deku, but then his "parents" would find out whats up, and they could be doves for all she knew. "Fine. Come with us. It'll be… safer." She was silently seething with rage.

"Great!" Deku shrieked. Just then they heard a rumbling sound and a clownbomination appeared. It was melting all over itself, glooping sadly but aggressively towards the group.

"Great fucking job asshole, your shrieking caused problems again!" Touka said angrily as she readied her bat.

"Oh I was wondering why the window in Anteiku was broken" Yoriko said.

"Aaahhhhh!!" Deku yelled, firing shots at the clownbomination, missing most of them but hitting it in the, uh… gloopy part once. It recoiled, moaning, and then opened its maw full of layers of sharp, rotating teeth, and shrieked, sounding oddly similar to Deku's shriek…

Yoriko wordlessly smacked the clownbomination over the head with such force that it caved in on itself and bits of clown goop splattered all over the place. It appeared to melt to the ground, emitting horribly human-sounding moans.

"Is it dead?" Touka whispered.

"Think so," Yoriko said. "You just gotta give them a good smacking. Not sure what this dude is thinking with his uh, gun."

"Hey, i have a lot of ammo," Deku said, gesturing to his big sack that he was dragging through the muck.

"Um. Well that is a lot of ammo," Yoriko mused. "Let's just keep going though."

They made their way through the dark, dank complex. Deku flinched and whimpered at every noise and Touka had to whack him over the head to shut him up. They encountered a few more one-off clownbominations, but Yoriko's bat took care of everything. Deku shot at them a few times but it didn't really do anything.

Eventually they came across a big-ass lookin… machine?

Touka grabbed Deku's hand and used it to wipe off the gunk on the faded label. Squinting her eyes, she could just barely read:

"Clown… generating machine?" she read aloud. "Deku, you seen this shit before?"

"Uhh no," Deku said. "I don't actually know my way around this place, usually i just stumbled around until i got to my parents' cave"

Touka tch'ed. "Well, it's no use to us. We don't need more clowns and anyway, it's powered off."

"Wait, I can power it back on," Yoriko said, and she took out some kind of device and whacked it against the machine. It suddenly whirred to life, lighting up, and the party had to shield their unadjusted eyes from the sudden brightness.

"Oh! You can put your DNA in here to make a unique clown based on yourself!" Deku chirped.

"What did I just say about us not needing more clowns?!" Touka fumed. She moved to try to break Deku's arm before he could do anything, but he had already put one of his hairs in. "The fuck are you soing, idiot!?"

"What the fuck is that…" yoriko said uneasily.

The machine was glooping out something. Yoriko moved to bash it, but it didn't splatter; it was shockingly resilient. As the beast took shape, our "heroes" recognized its face as Deku's; but it was pale white, with clown makeup, most notably a red smile painted around the mouth, and a forehead tattoo reading "Damaged," and a purple pinstriped suit…

"It's the fucking jorker!!" Yoriko gasped in horror.

Deku's face spread into a maniacal smile. "Yes… Rise, my creation!" he shouted in glee.

Touka and Yoriko tried repeatedly bashing the jorker with their baseball bats, but he just kind of caved in and bounced back, unbothered. "Why so serious?" he asked in Deku's annoying shitty voice.

"He's insane! Let's get out of here!" Yoriko cried, grabbing Touka's arm and running back through the clown labyrinth, leaving Deku and his twisted creation.

Chapter Text

Bakugo teleported into Killua and Gon’s house.

“What the Fuck,” Killua said in disgust. “Isn’t that Deku’s shitty friend”

“Hi” Bakugo said.

“I thought Deku was coming over to visit his brothers.” Killua said. “He didn’t say anything about his shitty boyfriend, where is he by the way.”

“I don’t know man I was just thinking about Deku and I teleported here.” Bakugo said. “Where is Deku?”

“Like I said I told him to come over, he’s probably lost in the clown factory.” Killua said.

Just then someone walked in.

“Oh there you are,” Killua said. “Wait…”

It was someone who looked like deku, but he had creepy clown makeup on and a purple suit. He was wearing a maniacal grin uncharacteristic of Deku.

“By God! That’s not my son! Who are you?!” Killua yelled, but then there was a gunshot and he died instantly. The Joker had taken out a gun and shot Killua.

“What the fuck! That’s deku’s dad!” Bakugo yelled. Then the joker shot him too, but he didn’t die because he was a ghoul now. He jumped at the joker and took a bite out of his arm but it didn’t taste like human, it tasted like chalk with the texture of a marshmallow and the joker immediately grew the arm back. Bakugo spat out the chalky marshmallow flesh and looked up in horror at the Joker.

“Society,” it said gleefully. Bakugo, terrified, teleported away.

~

Meanwhile, at the Commission of Counter Ghoul headquarters, a ghoul investigator was poring over recent reports.

“The binge eater ghoul has all but disappeared lately.” The investigator said in a deep, sensual voice. His face was off camera for dramatic effect, but he was rather short.

“Sucks,” said the other investigator in the room, who was facing away from the camera, but wearing a military-grade helmet.

“Doesn’t seem like them to just stop. We haven’t had any reports of exterminating such a distinctive and high-ranking ghoul lately, so something must have happened in the… ghoul community,” the short investigator said. “What say you, partner? Should we go snoop out the 20th ward?”

The helmeted investigator looked adoringly at his partner with his shadowed, bloodshot eyes, a soft smile adorning his rough features. “Yeah, man.”

~

Bakugo teleported back into Anteiku just as Touka ran in, holding hands with Yoriko and sweating bullets.

“Yo wtf happened?” Bakugo asked, it wasn’t like Touka to be so genuinely scared.

“The fucking joker!” Touka yelled. “Your shitty boyfriend made a clownbomination with his own DNA. And now theres a Deku joker walking around.”

“Oh. I think I saw that,” Bakugo said. “It killed Deku’s dad with a gun. Fucked up-” he interuppted himself suddenly and shook his head cartoonishly as a classic hanna barbera sound effect played. “Wait you were at the clown factory with him? Where the fuck is he now?? Did you leave him there on his own?!? You know hes a huge fucking weenie! Hes going to fucking die!!” He started yelling at the two lesbians (pretty shitty of him tbh. Homophobic even). 

Touka punched him in the balls and he keeled over pathetically. “Man will you stop shouting already i don't give a fuck about whatshisface. Hes a human so like he sucks. I don't even know why you hang out with him tbh since youre a ghoul now.” she said nonchalantly. Yoriko didnt hear the stuff about being a ghoul because she was listening to swedish death metal on her ipod nano now. 

Just then two men walked into the café making out. "Fuck its the doves!!!" Touka yelled, they didnt hear her because they were busy making out, and yoriko was still listening to swedish death metal on her ipod nano.

"Doves?" Bakugo asked dumbly.

"They fuckint kill ghouls bro." Touka hissed like a menacing kitten.

Bakugo looked back at the two men. "they dont look like they could kill anyone to me," he said. One of them was a very short chubby bald guy who might have been a skeleton but he was too squishy to be certain. He had a smile that didn't move or open. The other one was a somewhat taller but still pretty short middle-aged lookign man with a big helmet and very disturbingly bloodshot eyes. Both of them were wearing white coats that looked too big for them and carrying sussy suitcases. They looked like they were eating each others faces and there were blue bubbles coming out from where their faces were locked together. 

"Dont underestimate them man those white coats and suitcases mean trouble." Touka growled. "Anyway just act normal."

As if on cue, the two doves detached from each other with a wet schlopping noise and turned to face the employees. "Hey guys we're from the ccg." The short one said. "I am Sans Undertale and this is my partner Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Be. We are investigating ghoul activity in the area as, you might have guessed, heh"

"Ok well are you gonna order something" Bakugo said.

"Yes guy can i get a mug of hot ketchup." Sans said.

"coffe" Benry said.

"and a black coffee for Benry," Sans added.

"okay" said bakugo as he took the fistful of money sans gave him and turned around to start making the beverages. Ketchup smelled so bad even before he became a ghoul and boiling it seemed to make it worse.

"omg whats in the suitcase" Yoriko asked the doves, taking one earbud out. Touka looked at her in horror, but no one seemed to notice.

"heh well thats our little secret." Sans said, winking at her. "You could say it's… a classified case."

Yoriko just stared at him blankly cause that pun probably doesn't make sense in Japanese.

While Bakugo was busy boiling the ketchup and making a sick black coffee the door opened AGAIN and in walked another interesting character. Bakugo turned around to look and said out loud "hey what the fuck isnt that the streamer guy?"

Because it was definitely Jerma but he was dressed in a maid outfit and he had a twitching cat tail and ears. "i have arrived, nya" he announced to everyone in the shop.

Benny walked up to the catboy "yooo dawg lol have you seen any ghouls around?"

"well i saw some guy eating anyother guy one time." Catboy jerma said. "i dont remember when or where or what any of them looked like though."

"great man" Benny said, looking heartbroken. Sans placed a sympathetic bone hand on his partner's shoulder.

"ok your shit is ready." bakugo said, bringing the doves their drinks. "And um. Jerma? What do you want?"

"who's Jerma?" asked jerma. "i'm yerma, nya"

"Ok Yerma" Bakugo said. "Do you want some boiled ketchup or fuckint whatever." 

Jerma licked his hand and rubbed his face like a cat. “I’ll have a warm bowl of milk thanks, nya” 

“Woah what the fuck? We don't serve that type of shit here” said touka with a disgusted face, yoriko nodded approvingly behind her because she was a vegan. Not because she cared about animals or anything, she actually thought animal cruelty was hilarious, but she liked making people feel bad about their dietary choices. 

“What do you use to make anything that isnt just black coffee then?” asked Sans. from his tone he seemed to be bewildered but his expression was the same hed had since coming in. Touka shrugged. “Glue.” 

“It’s my favorite” Yoriko smiled. "well, second favorite, after my usual."

Just then Deku materialized out of thin air looking like he just crawled out of a dumpster and got eaten alive by rats. 

“Hey what’s up guys.”

Everyone in the coffee shop shrieked, including the nameless background customers, breaking all the remaining windows. Sans and Benry were gripping each other gayly. Yoshimura came out of the back room to see what was going on and screamed in agony as he witnessed his precious floor-to-ceiling windows in shards on the ground.

"What the fuck!!!" Bakugo yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Deku. "Whats up with you?!?!"

"umm what?" Deku looked hurt. "I just got back from visiting my dad and pa but dad was dead" he started sobbing.

"Yeah idiot your fucking joker clone killed him!" Bakugo retorted.

"joker clone?" Sans interjected intelligently. The ccg hadn't had any leads on the abandoned clown factory in quite some time.

"yeah it was horrible! That shitty guy put his hair in a clown generating machine and it made like, himself but as the joker."

"nooooo pls Jokey would never do that." Deku cried. "hes such a nice guy."

"Fucking Jokey?? You couldnt come up with a better name?!" Bakugo growled. Just then Jokey appeared.

"Why so serious?" The clownbomination asked, clearly splattered with blood. Jerma gasped and went to lick the blood off of it, purring.

"Get the fuck out!" Touka yelled and kicked Jerma so that jokey (whom he was attached to) would also be kicked out of the shop. Deku squealed and followed Jokey. Touka slammed the door so hard it came off its hinges and fell to the ground inside, crushing Benry with a sickening crack.

Touka froze, realizing she had just killed a dove in broad daylight with like 20 witnesses.

Then to her great surprise, Sans waved a hand and was like "eh he'll be fine." Benry's body despawned and then he walked in the door again alive and well.

Just then yoshimura came in from the back room. "What the fuck is happening?!" Yoshimura growled, scaring all the employees. Sans made finger guns at him.

"this is just normal innit" Yoriko said, stirring her """""usual""""" absentmindedly. Another nameless customer nodded sagely at her from across the room.

"Um well we have some special customers." Touka tried to explain.

"How are ALL the windows AND the door broken this time? Did that little freak come in again?" Yoshimura started sobbing, how was he going to pay for all of this? “Touka, Bakugo, come to the back with me i need to talk to you about something” 

Touka nodded seriously and grabbed bakugo by his ear and dragged him behind her as they left the room with yoshimura. Just then Touka realized Yoriko was left alone with Sans and Benrey, but she was a human (probably) so she should have been fine on her own. 

~ in the back room ~

Gojo, Kakashi, and Todoroki were busy playing poker when Yoshimura Touka and the mean new guy burst into the room. 

Yoshimura looked at them and nodded “Good, youre all here” he said somberly. “I never thought this day would come, but im afraid the circumstances are dire. All of our precious windows have been broken, the front door came off its hinges, and there are two doves just drinking coffee and bothering the customers with horrible puns in our super secret ghoul hideout that anyone can just come into. Something needs to be done immediately.” 

Gojo and Kakashi gave each other a concerned look. At least kakashi did, gojos eyes were covered for everyones safety so its not like anyone could tell if he was even looking back at the man. 

“We’ll do anything for you boss!” gojou exclaimed gayly. Kakashi Todoroki and Touka nodded along, not bakugo though. He was looking at reddit on his phone. 

“It’s good to hear you say that, Satoru, because i have a very dangerous plan. One that i wouldnt be able to pull off without help from all of you.” Yoshimura sighed heavily, everyone was looking at him in anticipation, their already huge eyes even bigger now.
Yoshimura cleared his throat and then…………. “We’re going to rob a fucking bank bitches” 

Chapter Text

It turned out that Benry and Sans really liked anteiku. They stayed up until closing chatting about everything but their investigation and made out a few times too. Bakugo had to bark loudly at them to get their attention that it was closing time. (Even though all the windows and the door were broken, the café stayed open cause they needed the money and no one seemed to care anyway)

Then he retreated to the back room to get his bank robbing clothes on. Yoshimura, Touka, Kakashi, and Gojo were also preparing in the same room. Todoroki had declined the mission for some reason. The participants were getting on full body animal costumes and foam heads to disguise their identities, and bringing 4 pistols for each person.

"we strike at midnight," Yoshimura had said during the meeting. They were targeting a bank in a different ward to avoid drawing attention to the 20th, a big one called "bacon barn" whose exterior was shaped like a pig and that had a mini restaurant inside that served a lot of pork kind of like a starbucks in a barnes and noble. They specifically targeted this building cause everyone fucking hated the piggy bank gimmick.

So at midnight the team walked into the bank normally except for the fact that they were wearing animal suits. The pig squeal that sounded over the intercom every time the door opened woke the dozing receptionist who was on shift, who then got a pistol in his face, held by Gojo.

"This is a robbery, don't resist!" Gojo said gayly.

The rest of the team then sprinted down a hallway that had a big sign over it saying "MONEY VAULT THIS WAY." They rounded a corner and sure enough there was a huge thick metal door with a sign on it that said "MONEY VAULT - DONT STEAL PLS."

"Ok bakugo use your kagune and open the vault!!!" Yoshimura ordered.

"my huh?" Bakugo wondered.

"Fucks sake we should have trained you" Touka growled. "Just pretend like youre shitting but with your back muscles!!"

Bakugo screwed up his face in intense concentration under his horse mask as he tried to get the thingy out. A single skinny limp red noodle poked out of his horse suit and lay sadly on the floor.

"Is that it?" Kakashi asked.

"Fucking hell" Touka growled, she had wanted to see him grab the vault door with rize's tentacles like doc ock did in spiderman 2, but apparently that wasn't gonna happen. She used her raw strength to rip the door off its hinges instead. An alarm started to go off that sounded like a pig being tortured.

"Grab the money and let's go!" Yoshimura said, grabbing the conveniently sized sacks of money and hoisting them upon his back. Amidst the horrifyingly realistic tortured oinking of the alarm system, they heard the sound of wheels approaching, and turned around to see…

A veritable army of security guards were speeding down the hallway, all using a carrot on a stick to command insanely fast wooden minecraft pigs like that guy on tiktok made. At the head of it was none other than Todoroki…!

"I thought you were on our side what the fuck split dye Zuko!" Bakugo spat furiously, holding about 17 sacks of money.

"umm… this is my job." Todoroki said boredly.

"Do you just fucking work everywhere!!! Asshole!!!?!" Bakugo yelled.

Todoroki did not grace him with a response. The security guards charged forward on their minecraft pigs until they bumped into the bank robbery squad, and then they took out rubber hammers and started whacking.

"Fuck!!" Touka yelled creatively as she took out her kagune and all four of her pistols, shooting all at once. Kakashi summoned one of his dogs and made it rip the arm off a security guard. He fell to the floor and screamed in agony, louder than the already deafening pig squealing noises. Yoshimura was blocking every one of the rubber hammer attacks with his bare hands.

In the lobby area, Gojo was forcing the receptionist to listen to BTS, still holding him at gunpoint, while sipping his pink drink.

Bakugo realized that he should probably do something against the rubber hammers whacking against his horse suit, and suddenly remembered he had superpowers. He jumped on the security guards' heads like Mario jumps on goombas, and put his hands on a random wall and blew it up with his quirk.

"What the fuck! You never said you could do that!" Touka shouted angrily over the sound of the alarm and the guy screaming and the gunshots and the BTS.

"Yeah the writers didn't remember i could do that until now," Bakugo replied.

Unexpectedly, the blown-open wall was now starting to flood the room with none other than Skittles™. More Skittles™ than were probably physically possible were flowing out of the wall, and the two parties stopped fighting as they struggled to navigate the flood. It didn't help that the smell was absolutely assaulting the ghouls' nostrils. However, the hole in the wall did lead to the outside, if one could blast a path through the Skittles™.

"Come on guys! I can clear a path!" Bakugo yelled, using his quirk to explode his way through the Skittles™. As the rest of the team followed, Yoshimura silently wiped a tear from his eye, or he would have if he didn't have a panda head on, because Bakugo was finally being useful… :')

"They can't… get away… with this…" the armless security guard croaked as he was crushed to death by Skittles™.

The team hurried to the getaway van and were all strapped in and ready to go before Kakashi was like "wait, wheres Gojo?"

The others weren't really concerned but just then Gojo appeared shrek walking towards the van, still in his giraffe suit. "hiiii guys," he said gayly.

"oh great he survived," Bakugo muttered. The building had been on fire and collapsing for some reason by the time they got out.

"yeah umm well the receptionist guy didn't like BTS so I blew the building up." Gojo said. "I used my overpowered math ability to escape unharmed."

"well we're glad you're okay," Kakashi said warmly. He made out with Gojo passionately through their masks.

"There's no time for this get in the fucking van!" Touka growled, slapping Gojo into one of the seats as Yoshimura hit the gas and blazed off at top speed.

Nearby the ruined bank, Todoroki watched the smoldering wreckage with an apathetic expression. "well at least this is an easy way to fake my death so i don't have to talk to my boss again." he said to himself. Then he took out one of those old timey sacks tied to a stick and started walking away. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The very inconspicuous van screeched to a halt outside of Anteiku as the fursuited inhabitants piled out with their sacks of money. Bakugo didnt help carry the sacks cause he was a piece of shit. As he stepped in through a shattered windowpane, he suddenly noticed a huge besuited guy with an ET-esque face just knocking all the cups off the shelves like Walter White in episode 1 of breaking bad when he goes off on his boss and quits the car wash.

"Guys wtf theres a guy here and he's causing more property damage," Bakugo complained to his sack-bearing compatriots.

"Oh great, it's fucking yamori," Yoshimura groaned.

Yamori turned around slowly with a vicious smile on his face. "I heard you people have a one-eyed ghoul now" he said.

"Where the fuck did you hear that?" Touka growled, its not like they were yelling about it in public or anything.

"A little bird told me." Yamori said mysteriously. "With psychic powers. It read your mind. I have a psychic bird" 

Just then a little blue bird fluttered down on Yamori's outstretched hand. He petted it affectionately.

"So what do you want?" Yoshimura asked cautiously.

"One of you bitches" Yamori said and then he snatched Bakugo by the scruff of his fursuit and skipped away at lightning speed.

The others looked back at where Yamori had disappeared behind a corner. Kakashi shrugged apathetically and said "well he wasn't helping us with the groceries anyway, sooo…"

Everyone else nodded sagely at him and continued to bring the sacks of money in. They had bigger problems than their most insufferable staff member being kidnapped, after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Deku sat on the edge of a building, legs swinging back and forth. At his side, standing still, was Jokey.

"Do you feel that Jokey?" Deku purred. "Our little Kacchans in danger."

Jokey giggled. "Is it time for… mischief? Tomfoolery?"

"Yes Jokey" Deku's eyes were wide. The Bakugo radar in his brain pointed him towards a desolate complex in the 11th ward. "yes it is…"

Chapter Text

Yamori dribbled Bakugo like a basketball as he entered a large and empty domed room with a single chair at its center.
He took the ghoul and strapped him to the chair with rusty shackles as he cackled maniacally, it was only then that bakugo started feeling a little uneasy. When the huge guy grabbed him and took him away from anteiku he just let him do because he thought he was another one of the colorful characters working at the cafe he hadnt met yet, but now he was beginning to suspect that the man might have had bad intentions. Yamori ripped off Bakugos horse head.

“Ok so im going to torture you now” Yamori said evilly as he took out a comically large syringe filled with a mysterious green goop “This comically large syringe is made specifically for ghouls. Because normal syringes don't work on us. But funny ones do.” he explained, then he did that thing they do in movies where they plink the glass and shoot some of the goop out to get rid of the air bubbles. Bakugo started getting antsy, he dint want to be injected with some random goop, especially green one. It could have been like joker toxin or some shit and he could end up like dekus fucked up clone.

“What the hell is that” he barked pretty aggressively for being the one strapped to a chair inside a torture chamber.
Yamori chuckled sinisterly “Oh, don't worry… its just an extremely powerful dose of TESTOSTERONE!” he began cackling again. 

“Jokes on you im TRANSGENDER!!!” bakugo yelled defiantly. Yamori got really mad and started smacking him around (not because hes transgender) and bakugo remembered that he had superpowers again and used them to blow up the chair he was strapped to. 

“HEY. thats not very nice!” Yamori complained, but bakugo was already attacking him again with his explosions.
Yamori took out his kagune and started trying to impale bakugo but he was too fast for him and kept blowing the tentacles up with his quirk. They kept going like that for a while running around the room while Scooby-doo chase music played until Bakugo slipped on a banana peel and fell (it was really embarrassing) and Yamori grabbed him with his kagune. 

“Now im really going to torture you” he said menacingly as bakugo wiggled around pointlessly making dog toy squeaky sounds. Yamori walked seductively over to the wall of the torture dungeon and grabbed another chair and one of those box TVs on a stand like in underfunded american public schools. He wheeled the TV back to the center of the room and plunked Bakugo back down in the chair, but still held him tightly in his kagune, and forced him to watch as the screen flickered to life and showed… A fucking steven universe episode!!!!

Bakugou started feeling sick. He hated steven universe so much, but shity deku loved it and always talked about it and showed him his crappy lapis lazuli and peridot ship art because "it's so us, right Kacchan? like i'm peridot and you're lapis!!!" Being forced to watch dekus favorite show in the torture chamber was traumatizing bakugo beyond repair. As yamori kept his eyes locked on the flanderized neon green gremlin, black nail polish materialized on bagukos fingers and his hair suddenly turned white. Now he was DARK Bakugo. 

~~~~~~~~~

Deku and Jokey walked gayly up to the entrance of the Aogiri base. It was an abandoned parking garage. There was some guy standing guard outside.

"Hey! You're not supposed to be in here," the guy said sounding suspiciously like an elder scrolls Npc.

"Jokey, kill this clown" Deku murmured threateningly. Jokey expanded his gloopy mass around the guy and contracted, crushing his body instantly, even though he was a ghoul.

Deku sighed happily. "Okay I think Kacchan is in danger around here so lets look around okay Jokey?" Deku asked, not waiting for an answer as he put his cat ear headphones on and started blasting a song Bakugo had recommended to him, which was now one of his favorites.

It's just one of those days where you don't wanna wake up. Everything is fucked, everybody sucks.

Deku attempted to hum along to the whiteboy rap as he sauntered along through the darkness, Jokey obliterating a couple of ghouls who stood in his path.

You don't really know why, but you wanna justify ripping someone's head off

Jokey ripped someone's head off in front of Deku with surprising ease. Deku giggled

No human contact, and if you interact your life is on contract. 

Deku thought about how he was the only human around, everyone else was ghouls that were currently being bonked by Jokey if they came close, or Jokey himself of course.

Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker.

Nothing would get in the way of him and his Kacchan.

ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

 ~~~~~~~~~~

The Anteiku crew by now had safely gotten all their money in the back room and they had already hired some guys to start replacing the door and windows as well as buying new dishes. Everything was under construction and no one had decided to sweep up the shards of glass and dishware on the ground but the shop was still open because they had to launder money somehow.

Yoriko was now sitting at the counter chatting up Touka while she was on her shift, as usual, but not drinking her usual, only glue, her second favorite drink.

"Hey why isn't that 30 year old spikey haired weirdo here today?" Yoriko asked.

"He got kidnapped," Touka shrugged.

"Oh. Cool." Yoriko also shrugged. "Anyway, did you hear how that horrible annoying piggy bank place got robbed and burned down?"

Touka made her best poker face, pretending she was still reacting to Bakugo being kidnapped. "Yeah, apparently they were keeping a bunch of Skittles™ in the walls, or something."

"Yeah, glad it's gone though," Yoriko said. She cupped her cheek and leaned on her arm, smiling wistfully. "The robbers were really smart though, wearing animal costumes to conceal their identities."

"R-r-really?!?!" Touka blushed, almost dropping the cup she had been drying for the past ten minutes.

Yoriko raised an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, I really admire anyone who would come up with that. Apparently some of them are ghouls though, not even their minecraft pig-slash-rubber hammer crew could defeat them."

Touka furrowed her brow, attempting to seem neutral and giving her best 'ignorant human' impression. "Huh, I wonder what ghouls could use money for. I thought they just ran around and killed people."

"Yeah, I thought so too, but Ive been watching ghoul documentaries lately and experts say they could be living among us." An uproarious laugh track played, drowning out all other sound in the vicinity for about five minutes. During this time, Yoriko and Touka stared deeply into each other's eyes, staying absolutely still save for Touka's absent rubbing of the same cup.

Then Yoriko's phone made a loud dinging sound and the laugh track abruptly stopped. "Oh my gosh, Griffinpuff1991 is streaming again!!" she said, looking at her phone screen. She opened the stream and forced Touka to look.

Griffinpuff1991 wasn't playing a game like Among Us or Papa's Sushira this time, instead it was just a phone front cam as he walked through a dark abandoned building. There was a limp bizkit midi playing.

"heyyy guys so I think my best friend-" Deku blushed at that "-is in trouble like he got kidnapped or something, so im in this abandoned parking garage cause I think he's somewhere around here. Whats up guys."

"this is boring." Yoriko went to close the app, then "WAIT IS THAT THE JOKER CREATURE!!!"

sure enough Deku's camera was angled now to get a view of Jokey consuming a ghoul whole.

It's all about the he says she says bullshit.

"fucking hell" Touka said as Yoriko turned off the stream, disturbed. "can't believe he'd go looking for that little bitch."

Oddly enough, the sounds of maiming and killing didnt stop when Yoriko put her phone away. Her and touka looked around with worried expressions on their faces and then saw Benrey and Sans sitting at a table drinking coffee and hot ketchup while watching Deku’s stream on an ipad.

“Tch, of course doves are snooping around as usual…” touka whispered to herself while Yoriko was distracted by the loud screams and cries for help coming from the livestream. 

"yo those are ghouls right?" Benry stage-whispered to his partner.

"Oh these are all ghouls btw" Deku said on the screen right then, shaky footage showing a ghoul being sliced in half behind him.

"guess that answers your question" Sans replied.

"ok cool i have an idea," Benry said.

He tapped on the screen seemingly randomly and impossibly fast, but then  from the stream there was an audio clip of the among us drip song and a text-to-speech voice that said "yooo where u at?"

"Omg thanks for the 5 subs johnwicklover1994!!!" Deku squealed, cracking the screen of the ipad. "I'm in this weird complex in the 11th ward, there's a building here that has like, a big dome on the top? It's kinda dangerous here though i guess." A ghoul almost latched onto his arm but Jokey flung it into the stratosphere. Deku didn't seem to notice.

Sans made out passionately with Benry before making a call to CCG headquarters to tip them off.

"Touka you good?" Yoriko asked. Touka was glaring at a spot on the wall just above the doves like it had pissed in her coffee. The wall, I mean. Like if walls could piss. Nothing to do with the doves.

"I guess we'll have to rescue that idiot after all if the CCG is gonna weaken those Aogiri assholes." Touka growled, she didn't really want to rescue Bakugo but he DID save their asses during the bank robbery, his inexplicable superpowers could be useful for similar things in the future, and this would provide the best opportunity they had to rescue him.

"Oh, I'll help!" Yoriko smiled. She had a supply of at least a hundred baseball bats, they actually took up quite a bit of space in her apartment.

"They're ghouls Yoriko. Your baseball bats won't do anything." Touka gently petted Yoriko.

"Oh, okay. That's fine," Yoriko said, looking crestfallen. The implication that Touka and Anteiku would be going up against an organization of ghouls and somehow had weaponry that could do something against them flew over her head, so she wasn't suspicious of Touka leading a double life or anything, and Benry and Sans had gone back to making out so they didn't hear the conversation.