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Kuroo felt like an idiot.
There were so many people out there willing to love him; girls cheering for him at his volleyball matches and boys in his messages late at night. His teammates wondered why he stayed single when it seemed like he could have anyone he wanted.
They couldn’t understand that he’d fallen for the one person he absolutely should not have fallen for.
Kuroo often accepted the advances of people interested in him. Hell, he even instigated some of his hookups. They were enjoyable distractions, even if he wasn’t with the person he wanted to be. Despite his efforts to relax during these encounters, his kisses remained shallow and every touch was void of affection. All he wanted to do was let go , let himself forget about his cursed feelings for his best friend and love someone new. Of course, life was never that easy.
He wasn’t sure when he fell in love with Kenma. They’d known each other for so long that the timeline for everything was a bit blurred. All Kuroo knew was that somewhere along the line he yearned for more; to touch Kenma in ways he hadn’t before, to tell him he loved him over and over again, as more than a friend. Obviously he was happy to have Kenma in any capacity; as long as he was there nothing else mattered. But late at night when Kuroo was alone, or when a text he’d sent to Kenma was left on delivered, he found himself in pain.
Kuroo had a tendency to overthink. This combined with Kenma’s inability to text back was a recipe for disaster. Too often would Kuroo find himself obsessively checking if Kenma had responded or if he’d at least seen the message. As well as he knew his best friend, he couldn’t help but convince himself that he might not know Kenma as well as he thought he did, that maybe Kuroo annoyed him.
All of these feelings would go away as soon as Kenma gave him the slightest bit of attention. As long as he was there, Kuroo would be okay. He felt obsessive for needing Kenma so desperately, for depending on him so much that he could fall apart at the seams if they weren’t together. But he knew, at the end of the day, that Kenma cared about him. So at each apology for going MIA, whether it was because Kenma had been napping or gaming, Kuroo would laugh at his own craziness. His own anxieties would drive himself up a wall, as he’d overanalyze the smallest things, only to realize later that it was stupid of him to obsess over meaningless stuff. He used to open up to Kenma about these feelings, about how he could get so nervous that the people he cared about would leave him. But ever since Kuroo realized he was in love with him, he hadn’t dared to talk about any of his problems.
He wondered if Kenma noticed, unsure of whether or not he wanted him to.
Every day was a struggle, an uphill climb where Kuroo tried to do anything but think of Kenma. Unfortunately for him, when someone is your whole world, everything reminds you of them. It felt like Kenma lived inside his head. While he ate breakfast he couldn’t help but wonder if Kenma had eaten too. As he looked in the mirror he’d imagine what snarky comment Kenma might make about his hair that day. Doing his schoolwork he’d wonder if Kenma needed any help on his. Kenma was an unavoidable piece of his life; no matter what he did, Kuroo would be thinking of his best friend.
Of course, he didn’t always avoid thinking about him. Kuroo never listened to music without Kenma in mind. Whether it was the playlist they made together or the one he’d made about Kenma, every song was about him . When he saw couples on social media, he imagined himself and Kenma in their place and wondered if he’d ever touch him that way. When he laid alone in his bed at night, he wished Kenma was next to him, close enough that he could hold him tight and kiss the back of his head, whispering i love you in the dark.
All of his fantasies were unattainable. This was the painful fact that kept Kuroo up when even Kenma had fallen asleep. This was what made him feel like he had to scream, to let out all the pent up feelings that overflowed within him. This was what made him feel like he was going crazy, because he loved Kenma too much , and it was hurting him constantly, knowing it was unrequited.
These feelings are what lead Kuroo up to this, face down in a tear stained pillow, filled with too many emotions to handle. He’d have to get up soon and walk with Kenma to school. At the moment it seemed impossible to be near him, to lie to him when Kenma would ask how he is, to stand so close but not close enough . How could Kuroo possibly look him in the eye without falling apart? God forbid Kenma look back at him, to meet his gaze with golden eyes that were impossible to look away from.
Kuroo didn’t know if it hurt more to be with him or without him.
He rolled over on his bed, ignoring the wet patches left behind his head. The sun beginning to peek through his window told him he’d spent another night dwelling on his unrequited feelings. He avoided his phone, knowing the only person he ever wanted to hear from hadn’t messaged him. After he stripped himself of his clothing and began stepping into the shower, he took a glance at himself in the mirror. As expected, he looked disheveled, hence the purpose for this shower. Anyone would be concerned at Kuroo’s tear stained face and frizzy hair that was somehow more of a mess than usual. The issue is that Kenma, being as perceptive as he is, would be able to fight the truth out of Kuroo if he knew something was wrong. So Kuroo needed to maintain his appearance, as to not draw attention to his current state.
As hot water began to slide down his body, he fought the urge to cry again. It wasn’t that he was sad; frankly, he didn’t know how he felt about the whole thing. The best way to describe it would probably be frustration. He wanted to give Kenma the whole world but he had a gut feeling that Kenma only loved him as a friend.
So he scrubbed his skin, rubbing at it as hard as he could as if it would wash away his feelings for Kenma. It turned red and raw until the only thought Kuroo could manage was
Why did it have to be him?
~~~~~~~
When Kuroo met Kenma’s eyes in front of the latter’s house, he wondered how much longer he could uphold his facade. Based on the way his heart raced as they walked together, he figured Kenma would have to discover his feelings eventually. This thought alone was terrifying. Kuroo had no idea how Kenma might react upon hearing that Kuroo was in love with him. He expected them to be unrequited, but his worst fear was that Kenma wouldn’t want to see him at all because of it. Even if he didn’t love him in the same way, Kuroo would be able to live with it. As long as he had Kenma in his life, he would be okay. So, Kuroo didn’t want to think about the possibility of Kenma finding out his secret, because by association it made him think about Kenma leaving. Just the thought of it was scaring him; he was nowhere near ready to face it happening in reality.
Just then, Kenma spoke up, “Are you okay?”
Kuroo turned to look down at him, only to find Kenma’s eyes scanning his face. He did his best not to let on his true feelings, “Uh, yeah I’m good. Why?”
“You just seem quiet.”
“Oh, I’m just tired since I was up late studying,” the taller boy held his breath, afraid his friend would push him and find out the truth.
Kenma seemed dissatisfied by his answer, staring at him for a second, before turning his gaze back to the sidewalk in front of them, “Okay.”
It was foolish of Kuroo to think Kenma wouldn’t notice something had changed. After all, he was the most perceptive person Kuroo knew, and the fact that they’d been friends for years only made it easier for Kenma to read him. Sometimes it was helpful. Right then, it was terrifying. Keeping something from Kenma made him feel as if he was constantly under a microscope.
Despite all of the hurt and anguish Kuroo was feeling on a daily basis, he could forget about it all in an instant.
The morning sun shined on Kenma’s face, giving the bleached half of his hair a reflective glow. His side profile was so painfully perfect as he walked towards Nekoma High, and Kuroo wished he could take a picture of him with his eyes, because no camera could capture the way Kenma looked. It was basically impossible for him to look bad, according to Kuroo. No matter how strained his eyes were from gaming constantly, or how tired he looked on a daily basis, he was always flawless. His cheeks and nose were flushed slightly red from the morning chill, and he shoved the bottom half of his face in his sweater, only peeking out to look down at his phone. Kuroo decided he was too cute for his own good.
It’s unfair for one man to have so much power , he thought.
The object of his affection looked up at him, as if he could read his mind, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Kuroo sighed, letting out a comment that was more flirtatious than intended, “I just like looking at you.”
Kenma’s face grew redder, this time not because of the cold. He didn’t respond to Kuroo’s comment, turning back down to his game. Kuroo was grateful for his lack of a response, because he’d just been reminded how weak he was when it came to Kenma. It took every part of him not to lean over and kiss his best friend right then, because he knew nobody could possibly compare to him. He smiled, looking down at him. Kuroo almost wanted to laugh at how upset he’d been earlier, even if it still hurt him deep down that Kenma wouldn’t return his feelings. It was amazing how easily Kenma could ground him, make him feel better, without even realizing. He thought maybe it would be okay. Kuroo still wanted to be with him romantically, but for the time being he was taking what he could. As his shoulders relaxed and he calmed down from the previous night’s upset, Kenma looked up at him and seemed to smile a bit.
Kuroo furrowed his brows, “What?”
“Nothing.”
As Kenma turned back to his game, Kuroo continued looking at him, chuckling lightly.
He’s too good for me.